This reminds me of some of the literature on fallibility of introspection. (If you have time only for one essay, read “The Unreliability of Naïve Introspection” and try the experiment with the playing card.)
As far as generalizing about an entire gender: It’s extremely likely that I know a wildly unrepresentative sample of women, but why would you assume that the pickup artists don’t? I imagine they meet vast numbers of women, but if they find them all at parties and clubs and bars, they’re going to meet the kinds of women who go to parties and clubs and bars, not the ones who spend their time gardening at home or who go to all-women gyms to avoid being hit on or the ones who play D&D with their brothers in the basement. Even if their statements are accurate about that sort of woman (which I am not yet prepared to believe), that doesn’t make them applicable to the entire gender, and the stereotype remains wildly inappropriate and offensive. If you’re hearing things about men as a group that don’t apply to you or any men you know, then chances are you’re not hearing from someone who has a really ideal sample. If a female friend of mine complains about her sixth boyfriend in a row being a jerk, I don’t conclude that men are jerks, I conclude that she has terrible taste.
...which I am not yet prepared to believe... ...wildly inappropriate and offensive...
Alicorn, are you applying the virtue of evenness, and searching equally for evidence for and against your conclusions? I mean, is your aim solely to get an accurate answer?
For myself, I find that phrases like “not yet prepared to believe” are a tip-off, when I notice them in my own thinking, that… I’m looking for permission to keep believing a pleasant, socially useful, or otherwise convenient belief, rather than really trying to figure out what’s true. I’m thinking “but the evidence doesn’t yet force me to change my mind, or at least I can see it that way!” instead of asking “what’s most likely to be true? what clues can I draw from the evidence? what models are most likely to help me make accurate predictions in the future?”.
Ditto for terms like “offensive”, if applied to peoples’ anticipations about the world (matters of truth and falsity) rather than to peoples’ non-belief actions. If what you mean by “offensive” is that you suspect folks’ beliefs here are stemming from emotional biases, it is okay to say that, and to explain the causes of your beliefs about their biases. If what you mean by “offensive” is that having statements like this around may make women uncomfortable, it is okay to say that, to explore why, and to start a dialog on how (without ceasing to seek accurate beliefs, but while perhaps taking special pains to include other facets of the story) we can make LW a comfortable place for women. But a belief’s “offensiveness” isn’t directly relevant to its truth, and so it’s confusing to include it in an argument about what’s true, or in an argument about what we should say and believe.
I agree that women and men sometimes vary (though I’d love a better model of the details). It isn’t really your conclusions I’m trying to talk about here; it’s how to talk about potentially mind-killing topics, as a community, in a way that helps true conclusions come to the fore.
I don’t put a high priority on discovering the truth value of the proposition “women who are found at parties, in clubs, and patronizing bars are [insert pejorative here]”. I don’t currently have a belief about it (I’m ambivalent because my uninformed dislike for parties/clubs/bars and their patrons is in opposition to my equally uninformed general wish to think well of others), and I’m not looking for evidence either way because it’s not important to me in comparison to other things I could learn about as easily or more so. The information that I’ve stumbled across passively hasn’t pushed me to accept either conclusion, especially since my information is filtered by what happens to appear on my screen without any special looking. Regardless of whether women who are found in those places are [insert pejorative here], that doesn’t change my relevant opinions because I don’t think rights are a function of personal virtue, and all of the ethical claims I’ve made have been based on rights. It also doesn’t change whether I think the topic is appropriate, because among the reasons I find it inappropriate is that it makes me, personally, uncomfortable.
I think spending so much time talking about how men can sleep with/achieve success with/be more confident around/pick your favorite charming descriptor with women makes Less Wrong very gendered. It seems to be the pet topic of a few posters, who attribute specific characteristics unqualifiedly to “women” as an apparently undifferentiated group; this is alienating and stereotypifies us in what seems an obviously unwarranted way.
I’m ambivalent because my uninformed dislike for parties/clubs/bars and their patrons is in opposition to my equally uninformed general wish to think well of others.
So… wishes to think well of others aren’t actually evidence about what’s true. (I realize you probably know that, but you did cite it as a reason for belief.)
doesn’t change whether I think the topic is appropriate, because among the reasons I find it inappropriate is that it makes me, personally, uncomfortable.
Whether or not any given LW-er aims to believe something for a reason other than truth, it would be really nice if we could make LW a place where public conversation, at least, does aim for truth. If I want to go off and believe a convenient might-be-falsehood, fine, but other LW-ers shouldn’t have to censor themselves so as not to interfere with my belief. This is similar to my impressions on LW theists: yes, anyone should be welcomed here insofar as they help us learn rationality; no, we should not censor ourselves to avoid interfering with might-be-false beliefs folks want to preserve. And, no, LW shouldn’t be a forum in which people can take beliefs they hold for non-truth-related reasons, and try by non-truth-related arguments (e.g., arguments about social offensiveness) to get others to adopt those beliefs. There are plenty of other places to do that.
Although I do care that the topics make you uncomfortable. I liked your last two posts, and many of your comments, and I very much hope we’re able to form a community in which you’d like to stick around.
and I’m not looking for evidence either way because it’s not important to me in comparison to other things I could learn about as easily or more so.
It might be useful to distinguish two senses of “not looking for evidence” here. There are many topics on which it’s not worth one’s time/energy to go out and seek evidence, which is I think what you’re saying. But sometimes people “don’t look for evidence” in a different sense: they actively close their minds against the evidence, avert their eyes, and look for excuses not to let the evidence upset their beliefs. This sort of not looking is more costly; I find it can clog my head up, and make it harder for me to acknowledge truths elsewhere as well (including in areas where I do need accurate beliefs). I hope this isn’t what you mean.
Regardless of whether women who are found in those places are [insert pejorative here], that doesn’t change my relevant opinions because I don’t think rights are a function of personal virtue, and all of the ethical claims I’ve made have been based on rights.
Okay. But other people are trying to build accurate models of how various groups of women actually act—either because we’re intrinsically interested in how people work, or because it’s practically useful to understand how people work. And for these inquiries, information helps. I don’t think my or various others’ interest stems from trying to find out whether these groups of women are bad or pejorative-worthy. I’m also a bit skeptical of trying to form one’s ethics about how to treat people in isolation from empirical data on what makes people happy or unhappy and on what people in fact prefer—but I’m ignorant of the empirical details here, and I haven’t yet read most of your exchanges on those other threads, so maybe you really can ignore how people work as you form your ethics.
makes Less Wrong very gendered.
I agree that info on how to pick up women is likely to be of more direct relevance to LW men than to LW women. It might be good to create some articles that are of strong interest to LW women and/or that would help women feel more comfortable here, although our numbers make that more difficult. If you have thoughts on e.g. how to be comfortable being both intellectual and in at least some ways feminine (something I have trouble with, despite organically wanting both), I’d love to hear it, and, if it’s good, I could imagine referring other smart women I know to LW though the post.
Anna, not sure if you meant to paste in Alicorn’s entire comment at the top of yours, but the fact there’s no quote bar made me think you might not’ve—hence this comment =)
So… wishes to think well of others aren’t actually evidence about what’s true. (I realize you probably know that, but you did cite it as a reason for belief.)
I did no such thing. I cited it as something that contributed to my lack of a belief on this topic. I recognize that it would not suitably motivate any belief; it’s just competing with an equally unsuitable intuition to make me have no particular interest in the answer to the question. If I had a belief on this topic, I would not cite my optimism about human nature as evidence.
Whether or not any given LW-er aims to believe something for a reason other than truth, it would be really nice if we could make LW a place where public conversation, at least, does aim for truth...
Of course; I agree completely. That doesn’t mean we can’t have a narrowed, less creepy topic set; there are several subjects that don’t get much attention here that nonetheless can have truths about them, and I think seduction might do better in that category.
It might be useful to distinguish two senses of “not looking for evidence” here. There are many topics on which it’s not worth one’s time/energy to go out and seek evidence, which is I think what you’re saying.
You read me correctly. I did mention passively absorbing information on the subject; I’m not sticking my fingers in my ears and humming show tunes when I read things about seduction.
If you have thoughts on e.g. how to be comfortable being both intellectual and in at least some ways feminine (something I have trouble with, despite organically wanting both), I’d love to hear it, and, if it’s good, I could imagine referring other smart women I know to LW though the post.
The only characteristically feminine thing I have any special knowledge about is cooking. Would that be a suitable subject, if I can figure out how to make it on-topic? (Drawing a blank, but perhaps something would come to me in a dream.)
Cooking’s a great place to talk about where to add, where to multiply, where to pay attention to ratios, and above all where to pay attention to diminishing marginal utility of returns to X. These are core rationalist skills that haven’t been adequately discussed.
What has been said on LW about seduction is the aggregate state of the evidence. The discussions about seduction on OB and LW are the most unbiased summary on the topic I know. Take an intersection of Robin’s signaling theory, Eliezer’s essays on gender, and the skeptical-empirical knowledge of pickup artists. That is the truth insofar approximable.
For one thing, no blog is large enough to contain the aggregate state of the evidence about anything. For another, don’t you suppose some women might know something about this topic that you and your sources have missed? It may help to meditate on “Reversed Stupidity is Not Intelligence”—even if some critics irrationally discount the domain knowledge of PUAs, this is no excuse for irrationally discounting the critics’ domain knowledge.
Now AFAICT you refuse to accept OB and LW as ‘extraordinary institutions’.
Argument screens off authority. I agree that this is a wonderful blog, but it doesn’t mean that you should expect people to just accept the majority opinion here simply on the grounds that it’s such a wonderful blog. Especially on a mind-killing topic like gender, about which I fear no one’s rationality can simply be trusted. The authority of biologists derives from massive amounts of empirical evidence and many years of intense study, and even then, I do not think you should automatically trust everything a biologist says about anything to do with biology; you may have domain knowledge of your own that bears on some particular question. A comment thread full of smart people who profess truthseeking has still less authority.
You can afford to do this because inaccurate beliefs may cost you little in this area.
Isn’t this a fully general counterargument? It might similarly be said that you can afford to hold the opinions you do because inaccurate beliefs may cost you little in this area. And it gets us nowhere, either way.
A rational/scientific approach to cooking is the inspiration behind quite a few books and websites. I don’t really like to follow recipes so I’m quite interested in explanations of cooking that let you improvise by deriving from first principles rather than blindly following a rule book.
I haven’t read that book (I independently developed my style) but I’m thinking of buying it. Still, “how to cook without a recipe” is the premise of Improvisational Soup proper; I’d need some way to connect it more tightly to Less Wrong-worthy subjects to turn it into a post here that wouldn’t just serve as an excuse to plug Improv Soup. Maybe I could relate intuitions about food to the stuff about control theory (I don’t always know what I need to do to make my food turn out how I want it, so I guess, and with experience cooking all the ingredients, it’ll often work).
You could potentially make an interesting article illustrating common biases and failures of rationality with culinary examples.
One that springs to mind is browning meat to ‘seal in the juices’ when making stews or casseroles. As I’ve heard the story, a famous cookbook from many years ago explained the importance of browning meat to producing good stews and explained it as ‘sealing in the juices’ and that was the standard explanation for many years. At some point it was realized that the actual value of browning the meat is that the caramelization of sugars in the meat improves flavour and that the original explanation was nonsense. The process is still called ‘sealing’ however and many chefs will still try to avoid leaving any part of the meat ‘unsealed’. This seems like a pretty good example of how people come to believe a spurious explanation because it produces a good outcome and are reluctant to abandon the original explanation even when a better explanation comes along.
I’m sure there must be many more examples of this kind of thing in cooking—there seems to be a lot of pseudo science and poorly understood ritual in the culinary arts.
Anecdotal, perhaps, but I always found that the complicated method of “making a roux” seems totally pointless to me.
The point is to mix in a starchy flour-like substance to a sauce, then heat it up to make the starches go glutinous… this can be done much easier by mixing the flour into a little bit of cold water—then stirring it into the sauce while the heat is on it.
All this frigging about with putting it in butter in a pan and heating it up while madly stirring it to make sure it doesn’t burn or clump and only then adding it to the sauce seems totally unnecessary complication. It’s much more difficult than just dissolving it in water and stirring.
The point is to mix in a starchy flour-like substance to a sauce, then heat it up to make the starches go glutinous… this can be done much easier by mixing the flour into a little bit of cold water—then stirring it into the sauce while the heat is on it.
If you prefer to thicken things this way, use cornstarch: that’s exactly how you do it. The point of roux is partly to cook the flour so it doesn’t taste so floury. (Although if you find you have to “madly stir” your butter and flour you may have the heat up too high.)
Hmm—I guess I do tend to use cornflour. However—even when I use normal flour—I’ve never had it taste that floury. Cooking it in the sauce also cooks the flour… just afterwards instead of before.
At some point it was realized that the actual value of browning the meat is that the caramelization of sugars in the meat improves flavour and that the original explanation was nonsense.
Actually, if memory serves me, the primary benefit comes from the Maillard reaction, a heat-driven process involving amino acids. Not that this changes your point, of course.
I don’t know enough about how other people cook to have a collection of myths like that on hand, although I guess I could consult my mother (a more traditional cook) and see what she has to say.
I did no such thing. I cited it as something that contributed to my lack of a belief on this topic. I recognize that it would not suitably motivate any belief; it’s just competing with an equally unsuitable intuition to make me have no particular interest in the answer to the question. If I had a belief on this topic, I would not cite my optimism about human nature as evidence.
The confusion comes from ambiguity between lack of belief as disbelief, and lack of belief as not looking for evidence and thus lacking strong opinion either way.
No specific word belongs in the brackets. It represents a variety of things that have been said that appear to me to convey negative attitudes about women, some simply by virtue of saying anything about “women” without a qualifier like “many” or “in my experience” or “as a general tendency”.
In against disclaimers Robin argues against the idea that those qualifiers should be included
The idea is that among aspiring rationalists, it is silly to assume that “Any general claim about human behavior is an absolute law without exception unless it includes qualifiers like “tends” or “often.”″. Since there are always exceptions, you can drop the qualifier without losing any information.
I disagree with that part of that article. In spite of the fact that it may be safe to make charitable assumptions of most people on this site, the fact remains that people do make general statements about groups, including women, without deliberately intending to leave room for abundant exceptions. Also, qualifiers can convey different information about how general a tendency is being claimed. If I say “women have two X chromosomes”—am I making a definitional statement that excludes the transgendered, or am I just mentally classifying them as exceptions and hoping everyone knows what I mean? If I say “diamonds are the favorite gem of women”, am I unaware that plenty of women think moissanite is prettier or am I just saying that I think, if all women voted, diamonds would win? Qualifiers do change the information in many cases. Even when they don’t (less often, I suspect, than Robin thinks), they’re polite.
Hanson’s post certainly does come off a bit strong, and I agree that there are times to use disclaimers.
However, in this case, I assumed the disclaimer and (correct me if I’m wrong Yvain), but I think my interpretation was more accurate because of that.
I added the “among aspiring rationalists” qualifier for a reason; it makes less sense for those with no mental “sub buckets” within the “women” one.
If the disclaimer goes as far as to specify the size/location of the exception then yes, it adds more information. This may be not be useful information if the point is just that it’s a general trend. I see it like saying “The probability of a meteorite striking my house tomorrow is 0” (with the implied disclaimer “almost”)
They don’t find them all at parties and clubs and bars. There’s a whole raft of material on ‘day game’ - approaches in non-obvious places like bookshops, grocery stores, museums, the high street, etc. which are designed in part to reach women who are unlikely to be encountered in clubs and bars.
Thank you for the correction; that still won’t reach women who don’t get out much in places where they can be easily approached (my gardening/D&D in the basement/all-women gym examples still hold, for instance).
One of the reasons the seduction community has been a topic on less wrong is the application of rationality to success in everyday life. If there is any significant subset of desirable women who are not easily approached then someone in the seduction community will have tried to figure out a way to engineer an approach opportunity. If there are a lot of attractive single gardeners in the world then there is probably a blog somewhere that extols the virtues of garden centres as potentially fruitful pickup venues.
You can argue that the consensus judgement of the community as to what constitutes an attractive/desirable woman is flawed but to the extent that the ‘hard to reach’ women you describe are considered desirable, the likelihood is that someone will have tried to figure out how to reach them effectively.
The success of pickup artist techniques only prove that there are enough women who are vulnerable to them to keep pickup artists in business. Same with any stereotypes about males. If my post implied there was strong evidence that such people were in a majority, that was an error. Although I think if these women were too small of a minority, the PUAs would alter their techniques to ones that worked on a more representative sample of women (assuming they’re rational; I don’t know any, but people in this community seem to have a high opinion of them.)
I think the general point that we’re too unwilling to believe there are significant groups of people who think differently from ourselves still stands, though, whether it’s closer to 20% or 60%.
Although I think if these women were too small of a minority, the PUAs would alter their techniques to ones that worked on a more representative sample of women (assuming they’re rational; I don’t know any, but people in this community seem to have a high opinion of them.)
One phenomenon I’ve observed is that some of the biggest gurus have begun talking about “higher quality women” or “true 10s” in the last couple of years, where they are meaning “women who have more than looks going for them”… suggesting that as the gurus and their markets mature, they become more interested in other qualities. And these gurus then begin emphasizing personal development, getting one’s own life in order, etc.
Have you read a large proportion of this literature? Or just marketing blurbs, which try to make the material sound sensationalistic, controversial, and forbidden? If by “large,” you mean nontrivial, then I would agree, but if you mean the majority of the literature, I don’t think that’s true. For the most part, these guys want to believe that what they are doing is a positive thing, and that they are “adding value” (to use the technical term) to other people’s lives in addition to fulfilling their own goals.
Whether a journalist, or one of these guys, describe these techniques in ominous tones, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are unethical. Likewise, just because those techniques are described in glowing terms, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are ethical.
People should judge the ethics of the techniques based on actual arguments which understand these techniques, rather than falling prey (see what I did there?) to assumptions embedded in the language describing them that block thought.
I’ve read some free instructional material, some forum discussions, and some blog posts. I’ve also read Elana Clift’s thesis and recommended it here on LW, as you have done.
I’ve found that for the most part the instructional material is as you describe it: the techniques are presented as directed towards a a positive sum interaction. The forums and blog posts are rather more mixed—some PUAs hold to the “added value” line, and others are forthright in expressing the bedpost-notching attitude.
Sounds like we are more on the same page. You are observing that the attitudes of PUAs are not homogenous; empirical research would be necessary to figure out exactly what subsets of PUAs have what attitudes towards women.
The forums and blog posts are rather more mixed—some PUAs hold to the “added value” line, and others are forthright in expressing the bedpost-notching attitude.
Of course, seeking casual sex, and seeking positive-sum interactions, are not mutually exclusive. There may be a correlation between seeking multiple casual sexual partners, and engaging in negative-sum interaction, yet I don’t think that such a correlation is as high as stereotypes, or even PUA’s own language, may make it sound.
Since the primary piece these men are missing is usually their ability to find partners who are sexually attracted, and to initiate sexually with those partners, it’s unsurprising that these guys primarily focus on sexual topics on internets forums; yet this kind of talk may not represent the totality of their attitudes towards women or their relationship goals. To assume that this kind of technical discussion in a specialized forum represent their entire attitudes towards women would be a classic example of the fundamental attribution error.
As for “bedpost-notching,” it’s another loaded term because it implies that seeking many partners is due to a motivation to rack up numbers, rather than, say, simply finding many people desirable.
It has pleased me to rack up numbers in the past; I noticed that the rate at which I was sleeping with new people slowed down after I’d reached a psychologically satisfying number. So it does happen, and I’d like to hope it’s not incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
It has pleased me to rack up numbers in the past; I noticed that the rate at which I was sleeping with new people slowed down after I’d reached a psychologically satisfying number. So it does happen, and I’d like to hope it’s not incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with wanting a certain number of partners as long as raising one’s count isn’t the primary motivation for seeking a partner (does anyone actually have that motivation? I don’t know). But the pejorative nature of the term “bedpost notching” suggests that seeking a psychologically satisfying number of partners is incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
As pjeby observes, a lot of the time, it does. Outsiders reading it just think that it doesn’t (and they do have some valid beefs).
Outsiders, when first encountering PUA language, will often note how PUAs are focused on sex and conclude that this is all they are interested in. Due to the dichotomy between sex and relationships in our culture, and stereotypes of “players,” a viewer might further conclude that since PUAs are looking for sex, then they are not looking for relationships. Women want “relationships,” men who are “players” want sex.
This is a stereotype, a schema, that ignores the fact that adult relationships typically contain sex. The next part of the schema is that “players” will do whatever it takes to have sex with women including lying and “manipulating,” and then move on, misleading and hurting her (“using her”).
Sometimes, responses to the seduction community really show less about it, and more about our culture’s views towards sex, men, and women. Some people cannot imagine that men learning to pursue sex can use it as a building block for a relationship. That it is possible for men to ethically pursue women when they are not interested in long term relationships. That some women aren’t looking for something long term with every partner. Or that guys may not be sure what they want, and that they are trying to meet people until they meet someone they really connect with.
So there are actually several types of language in the community:
Language that is positive-sum, and sounds positive sum to outsiders
Language that is positive-sum or neutral in that regard, yet sounds zero-sum to outsiders who hold certain assumptions
Language that is zero-sum, and also sounds zero-sum to outsiders
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
It does. I’ve pointed you to more than one sample already. Hell, even Ross Jeffries, arguably one of the sleaziest in the business, has said for decades, “Always leave her better than you found her.”
I should have been more careful in my wording—I was using “bedpost-notching” as the negation of the “added value” attitude, which it is not, as you point out.
To assume that this kind of technical discussion in a specialized forum represent their entire attitudes towards women would be a classic example of the fundamental attribution error.
I would be committing the fundamental attribution error if I assumed that the person who cut me off in traffic was just a jerk instead of, say, momentarily distracted. But much of the PUA ethos is about the correct attitude to hold towards women in order to have good game. Teachings and opinions vary in the community, but it’s not hard to find the contingent that holds that the optimized attitude is “bitches ain’t shit”.
But much of the PUA ethos is about the correct attitude to hold towards women in order to have good game.
Yes, you are quite correct. And there are indeed contingents in the community that advocate attitudes towards women that are negative, in which case it would be reasonable to expect that such men would be less likely to have positive-sum interaction with women. What I wanted to explain was that seeking sexual partners (“bedpost notching”) is not sufficient to ascribe a zero-sum attitude (not that you were necessarily saying otherwise). I didn’t necessarily think that you were committing the fundamental attribution error yourself; I just wanted to put forward the hypothesis that what PUAs write on internet forums doesn’t represent the totality of their views on women.
My observations tend to match yours Hugh. Perhaps my sample is biased somewhat because whenever I am devouring information I naturally seek out the higher quality sources. In the PUA circles the best literature always comes from a perspective of adding value to other people’s lives in addition to fulfilling their own goals. One reason for this is that it is simply a more effective way to think about social interaction. What you believe leaks out non-verbally and having a pro-social identity simply works better.
Regardless of the PUA scene, I simply find descriptions that are a carrier signal for a strong normative frame distasteful in general.
Not to mention that they’re only talking about a specific subsection of a specific subsection, namely the women they are actually successful with. I’m assuming their batting average is well below .500, though I could be wrong. Thus, a small subsection of a small subsection of women conform to those particular stereotypes, or at least that’s all you can say from that evidence.
Other examples suffer somewhat similar problems; all men may seem like chauvinistic jerks because chauvinistic jerks are quite noticeable and quite memorable. Thus, women may encounter more jerks because they get around more, rather than because most men are jerks.
Post is overall excellent, but some of those vaguely anecdotal counterexamples may well suffer from skewed reporting due to other biases.
all men may seem like chauvinistic jerks because chauvinistic jerks are quite noticeable and quite memorable. Thus, women may encounter more jerks because they get around more, rather than because most men are jerks
Yes, see also the availability heuristic. P(A|B) does not in general equal P(B|A), but this is not necessarily obvious to human intuition.
If a female friend of mine complains about her sixth boyfriend in a row being a jerk, I don’t conclude that men are jerks, I conclude that she has terrible taste.
Once is bad luck, twice is a mistake, six times is a really bad habit!
(Which, mister downvoter, I suggest is a damn important insight that is fundamental to self development that all too many people never manage to master. Who has not had friends who generalise from their own experience a quality of the world at large rather than seeing an area of their life and decision making which they could drastically improve? Heck, I’ve been there myself.)
Good. I considered the possibility, multiplied by the amount that making an innacurate address would irritate me and decided that it was somewhat less than the cost of dredging up gender neutral terms from the dusty corners of my brain.
One of the practical exercises pickup artists use to break their shyness is to open conversations with thirty women on the street; in fact, being able to start conversations and ask out strange women in a non-bar setting is part of what a good pickup artist is expected to be able to do (in Tokyo there’s even a name for it, “nampa”). I’d expect a pickup artist to know many different kinds of women.
Also, if you don’t really know what pickup artists do, how do you know what they think of women?
This reminds me of some of the literature on fallibility of introspection. (If you have time only for one essay, read “The Unreliability of Naïve Introspection” and try the experiment with the playing card.)
As far as generalizing about an entire gender: It’s extremely likely that I know a wildly unrepresentative sample of women, but why would you assume that the pickup artists don’t? I imagine they meet vast numbers of women, but if they find them all at parties and clubs and bars, they’re going to meet the kinds of women who go to parties and clubs and bars, not the ones who spend their time gardening at home or who go to all-women gyms to avoid being hit on or the ones who play D&D with their brothers in the basement. Even if their statements are accurate about that sort of woman (which I am not yet prepared to believe), that doesn’t make them applicable to the entire gender, and the stereotype remains wildly inappropriate and offensive. If you’re hearing things about men as a group that don’t apply to you or any men you know, then chances are you’re not hearing from someone who has a really ideal sample. If a female friend of mine complains about her sixth boyfriend in a row being a jerk, I don’t conclude that men are jerks, I conclude that she has terrible taste.
Alicorn, are you applying the virtue of evenness, and searching equally for evidence for and against your conclusions? I mean, is your aim solely to get an accurate answer?
For myself, I find that phrases like “not yet prepared to believe” are a tip-off, when I notice them in my own thinking, that… I’m looking for permission to keep believing a pleasant, socially useful, or otherwise convenient belief, rather than really trying to figure out what’s true. I’m thinking “but the evidence doesn’t yet force me to change my mind, or at least I can see it that way!” instead of asking “what’s most likely to be true? what clues can I draw from the evidence? what models are most likely to help me make accurate predictions in the future?”.
Ditto for terms like “offensive”, if applied to peoples’ anticipations about the world (matters of truth and falsity) rather than to peoples’ non-belief actions. If what you mean by “offensive” is that you suspect folks’ beliefs here are stemming from emotional biases, it is okay to say that, and to explain the causes of your beliefs about their biases. If what you mean by “offensive” is that having statements like this around may make women uncomfortable, it is okay to say that, to explore why, and to start a dialog on how (without ceasing to seek accurate beliefs, but while perhaps taking special pains to include other facets of the story) we can make LW a comfortable place for women. But a belief’s “offensiveness” isn’t directly relevant to its truth, and so it’s confusing to include it in an argument about what’s true, or in an argument about what we should say and believe.
I agree that women and men sometimes vary (though I’d love a better model of the details). It isn’t really your conclusions I’m trying to talk about here; it’s how to talk about potentially mind-killing topics, as a community, in a way that helps true conclusions come to the fore.
I don’t put a high priority on discovering the truth value of the proposition “women who are found at parties, in clubs, and patronizing bars are [insert pejorative here]”. I don’t currently have a belief about it (I’m ambivalent because my uninformed dislike for parties/clubs/bars and their patrons is in opposition to my equally uninformed general wish to think well of others), and I’m not looking for evidence either way because it’s not important to me in comparison to other things I could learn about as easily or more so. The information that I’ve stumbled across passively hasn’t pushed me to accept either conclusion, especially since my information is filtered by what happens to appear on my screen without any special looking. Regardless of whether women who are found in those places are [insert pejorative here], that doesn’t change my relevant opinions because I don’t think rights are a function of personal virtue, and all of the ethical claims I’ve made have been based on rights. It also doesn’t change whether I think the topic is appropriate, because among the reasons I find it inappropriate is that it makes me, personally, uncomfortable.
I think spending so much time talking about how men can sleep with/achieve success with/be more confident around/pick your favorite charming descriptor with women makes Less Wrong very gendered. It seems to be the pet topic of a few posters, who attribute specific characteristics unqualifiedly to “women” as an apparently undifferentiated group; this is alienating and stereotypifies us in what seems an obviously unwarranted way.
Um, hmm.
So… wishes to think well of others aren’t actually evidence about what’s true. (I realize you probably know that, but you did cite it as a reason for belief.)
Whether or not any given LW-er aims to believe something for a reason other than truth, it would be really nice if we could make LW a place where public conversation, at least, does aim for truth. If I want to go off and believe a convenient might-be-falsehood, fine, but other LW-ers shouldn’t have to censor themselves so as not to interfere with my belief. This is similar to my impressions on LW theists: yes, anyone should be welcomed here insofar as they help us learn rationality; no, we should not censor ourselves to avoid interfering with might-be-false beliefs folks want to preserve. And, no, LW shouldn’t be a forum in which people can take beliefs they hold for non-truth-related reasons, and try by non-truth-related arguments (e.g., arguments about social offensiveness) to get others to adopt those beliefs. There are plenty of other places to do that.
Although I do care that the topics make you uncomfortable. I liked your last two posts, and many of your comments, and I very much hope we’re able to form a community in which you’d like to stick around.
It might be useful to distinguish two senses of “not looking for evidence” here. There are many topics on which it’s not worth one’s time/energy to go out and seek evidence, which is I think what you’re saying. But sometimes people “don’t look for evidence” in a different sense: they actively close their minds against the evidence, avert their eyes, and look for excuses not to let the evidence upset their beliefs. This sort of not looking is more costly; I find it can clog my head up, and make it harder for me to acknowledge truths elsewhere as well (including in areas where I do need accurate beliefs). I hope this isn’t what you mean.
Okay. But other people are trying to build accurate models of how various groups of women actually act—either because we’re intrinsically interested in how people work, or because it’s practically useful to understand how people work. And for these inquiries, information helps. I don’t think my or various others’ interest stems from trying to find out whether these groups of women are bad or pejorative-worthy. I’m also a bit skeptical of trying to form one’s ethics about how to treat people in isolation from empirical data on what makes people happy or unhappy and on what people in fact prefer—but I’m ignorant of the empirical details here, and I haven’t yet read most of your exchanges on those other threads, so maybe you really can ignore how people work as you form your ethics.
I agree that info on how to pick up women is likely to be of more direct relevance to LW men than to LW women. It might be good to create some articles that are of strong interest to LW women and/or that would help women feel more comfortable here, although our numbers make that more difficult. If you have thoughts on e.g. how to be comfortable being both intellectual and in at least some ways feminine (something I have trouble with, despite organically wanting both), I’d love to hear it, and, if it’s good, I could imagine referring other smart women I know to LW though the post.
Anna, not sure if you meant to paste in Alicorn’s entire comment at the top of yours, but the fact there’s no quote bar made me think you might not’ve—hence this comment =)
It was indeed a mistake. Thanks. Fixed.
I did no such thing. I cited it as something that contributed to my lack of a belief on this topic. I recognize that it would not suitably motivate any belief; it’s just competing with an equally unsuitable intuition to make me have no particular interest in the answer to the question. If I had a belief on this topic, I would not cite my optimism about human nature as evidence.
Of course; I agree completely. That doesn’t mean we can’t have a narrowed, less creepy topic set; there are several subjects that don’t get much attention here that nonetheless can have truths about them, and I think seduction might do better in that category.
You read me correctly. I did mention passively absorbing information on the subject; I’m not sticking my fingers in my ears and humming show tunes when I read things about seduction.
The only characteristically feminine thing I have any special knowledge about is cooking. Would that be a suitable subject, if I can figure out how to make it on-topic? (Drawing a blank, but perhaps something would come to me in a dream.)
Cooking’s a great place to talk about where to add, where to multiply, where to pay attention to ratios, and above all where to pay attention to diminishing marginal utility of returns to X. These are core rationalist skills that haven’t been adequately discussed.
It’s also something that anyone who eats could relate to, and want to be less wrong about. http://xkcd.com/720/
Or this famous dilbert strip
deleted
For one thing, no blog is large enough to contain the aggregate state of the evidence about anything. For another, don’t you suppose some women might know something about this topic that you and your sources have missed? It may help to meditate on “Reversed Stupidity is Not Intelligence”—even if some critics irrationally discount the domain knowledge of PUAs, this is no excuse for irrationally discounting the critics’ domain knowledge.
Argument screens off authority. I agree that this is a wonderful blog, but it doesn’t mean that you should expect people to just accept the majority opinion here simply on the grounds that it’s such a wonderful blog. Especially on a mind-killing topic like gender, about which I fear no one’s rationality can simply be trusted. The authority of biologists derives from massive amounts of empirical evidence and many years of intense study, and even then, I do not think you should automatically trust everything a biologist says about anything to do with biology; you may have domain knowledge of your own that bears on some particular question. A comment thread full of smart people who profess truthseeking has still less authority.
Isn’t this a fully general counterargument? It might similarly be said that you can afford to hold the opinions you do because inaccurate beliefs may cost you little in this area. And it gets us nowhere, either way.
Not nearly as much as the reply was!
deleted
A rational/scientific approach to cooking is the inspiration behind quite a few books and websites. I don’t really like to follow recipes so I’m quite interested in explanations of cooking that let you improvise by deriving from first principles rather than blindly following a rule book.
I haven’t read that book (I independently developed my style) but I’m thinking of buying it. Still, “how to cook without a recipe” is the premise of Improvisational Soup proper; I’d need some way to connect it more tightly to Less Wrong-worthy subjects to turn it into a post here that wouldn’t just serve as an excuse to plug Improv Soup. Maybe I could relate intuitions about food to the stuff about control theory (I don’t always know what I need to do to make my food turn out how I want it, so I guess, and with experience cooking all the ingredients, it’ll often work).
You could potentially make an interesting article illustrating common biases and failures of rationality with culinary examples.
One that springs to mind is browning meat to ‘seal in the juices’ when making stews or casseroles. As I’ve heard the story, a famous cookbook from many years ago explained the importance of browning meat to producing good stews and explained it as ‘sealing in the juices’ and that was the standard explanation for many years. At some point it was realized that the actual value of browning the meat is that the caramelization of sugars in the meat improves flavour and that the original explanation was nonsense. The process is still called ‘sealing’ however and many chefs will still try to avoid leaving any part of the meat ‘unsealed’. This seems like a pretty good example of how people come to believe a spurious explanation because it produces a good outcome and are reluctant to abandon the original explanation even when a better explanation comes along.
I’m sure there must be many more examples of this kind of thing in cooking—there seems to be a lot of pseudo science and poorly understood ritual in the culinary arts.
Anecdotal, perhaps, but I always found that the complicated method of “making a roux” seems totally pointless to me.
The point is to mix in a starchy flour-like substance to a sauce, then heat it up to make the starches go glutinous… this can be done much easier by mixing the flour into a little bit of cold water—then stirring it into the sauce while the heat is on it.
All this frigging about with putting it in butter in a pan and heating it up while madly stirring it to make sure it doesn’t burn or clump and only then adding it to the sauce seems totally unnecessary complication. It’s much more difficult than just dissolving it in water and stirring.
If you prefer to thicken things this way, use cornstarch: that’s exactly how you do it. The point of roux is partly to cook the flour so it doesn’t taste so floury. (Although if you find you have to “madly stir” your butter and flour you may have the heat up too high.)
Hmm—I guess I do tend to use cornflour. However—even when I use normal flour—I’ve never had it taste that floury. Cooking it in the sauce also cooks the flour… just afterwards instead of before.
Actually, if memory serves me, the primary benefit comes from the Maillard reaction, a heat-driven process involving amino acids. Not that this changes your point, of course.
I don’t know enough about how other people cook to have a collection of myths like that on hand, although I guess I could consult my mother (a more traditional cook) and see what she has to say.
The confusion comes from ambiguity between lack of belief as disbelief, and lack of belief as not looking for evidence and thus lacking strong opinion either way.
If it’s not horribly offensive, may I ask you to actually insert the pejorative? I don’t think I’ve seen any assumed in mainstream conversation here.
I’m afraid I might come off as being deliberately obtuse, but I really am genuinely confused about...what the actual accusation is here.
No specific word belongs in the brackets. It represents a variety of things that have been said that appear to me to convey negative attitudes about women, some simply by virtue of saying anything about “women” without a qualifier like “many” or “in my experience” or “as a general tendency”.
In against disclaimers Robin argues against the idea that those qualifiers should be included
The idea is that among aspiring rationalists, it is silly to assume that “Any general claim about human behavior is an absolute law without exception unless it includes qualifiers like “tends” or “often.”″. Since there are always exceptions, you can drop the qualifier without losing any information.
I disagree with that part of that article. In spite of the fact that it may be safe to make charitable assumptions of most people on this site, the fact remains that people do make general statements about groups, including women, without deliberately intending to leave room for abundant exceptions. Also, qualifiers can convey different information about how general a tendency is being claimed. If I say “women have two X chromosomes”—am I making a definitional statement that excludes the transgendered, or am I just mentally classifying them as exceptions and hoping everyone knows what I mean? If I say “diamonds are the favorite gem of women”, am I unaware that plenty of women think moissanite is prettier or am I just saying that I think, if all women voted, diamonds would win? Qualifiers do change the information in many cases. Even when they don’t (less often, I suspect, than Robin thinks), they’re polite.
Hanson’s post certainly does come off a bit strong, and I agree that there are times to use disclaimers.
However, in this case, I assumed the disclaimer and (correct me if I’m wrong Yvain), but I think my interpretation was more accurate because of that.
I added the “among aspiring rationalists” qualifier for a reason; it makes less sense for those with no mental “sub buckets” within the “women” one.
If the disclaimer goes as far as to specify the size/location of the exception then yes, it adds more information. This may be not be useful information if the point is just that it’s a general trend. I see it like saying “The probability of a meteorite striking my house tomorrow is 0” (with the implied disclaimer “almost”)
I’m just going to link my own comment on Robin’s post. Short version: include written disclaimers if the idea you want to convey includes disclaimers.
They don’t find them all at parties and clubs and bars. There’s a whole raft of material on ‘day game’ - approaches in non-obvious places like bookshops, grocery stores, museums, the high street, etc. which are designed in part to reach women who are unlikely to be encountered in clubs and bars.
Thank you for the correction; that still won’t reach women who don’t get out much in places where they can be easily approached (my gardening/D&D in the basement/all-women gym examples still hold, for instance).
One of the reasons the seduction community has been a topic on less wrong is the application of rationality to success in everyday life. If there is any significant subset of desirable women who are not easily approached then someone in the seduction community will have tried to figure out a way to engineer an approach opportunity. If there are a lot of attractive single gardeners in the world then there is probably a blog somewhere that extols the virtues of garden centres as potentially fruitful pickup venues.
You can argue that the consensus judgement of the community as to what constitutes an attractive/desirable woman is flawed but to the extent that the ‘hard to reach’ women you describe are considered desirable, the likelihood is that someone will have tried to figure out how to reach them effectively.
You’re right.
The success of pickup artist techniques only prove that there are enough women who are vulnerable to them to keep pickup artists in business. Same with any stereotypes about males. If my post implied there was strong evidence that such people were in a majority, that was an error. Although I think if these women were too small of a minority, the PUAs would alter their techniques to ones that worked on a more representative sample of women (assuming they’re rational; I don’t know any, but people in this community seem to have a high opinion of them.)
I think the general point that we’re too unwilling to believe there are significant groups of people who think differently from ourselves still stands, though, whether it’s closer to 20% or 60%.
One phenomenon I’ve observed is that some of the biggest gurus have begun talking about “higher quality women” or “true 10s” in the last couple of years, where they are meaning “women who have more than looks going for them”… suggesting that as the gurus and their markets mature, they become more interested in other qualities. And these gurus then begin emphasizing personal development, getting one’s own life in order, etc.
The point is good, but I would perhaps make it without implying victimhood.
The use of the term “vulnerable” is little more than an echo of a large proportion of the PUA literature.
Have you read a large proportion of this literature? Or just marketing blurbs, which try to make the material sound sensationalistic, controversial, and forbidden? If by “large,” you mean nontrivial, then I would agree, but if you mean the majority of the literature, I don’t think that’s true. For the most part, these guys want to believe that what they are doing is a positive thing, and that they are “adding value” (to use the technical term) to other people’s lives in addition to fulfilling their own goals.
Whether a journalist, or one of these guys, describe these techniques in ominous tones, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are unethical. Likewise, just because those techniques are described in glowing terms, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are ethical.
People should judge the ethics of the techniques based on actual arguments which understand these techniques, rather than falling prey (see what I did there?) to assumptions embedded in the language describing them that block thought.
I’ve read some free instructional material, some forum discussions, and some blog posts. I’ve also read Elana Clift’s thesis and recommended it here on LW, as you have done.
I’ve found that for the most part the instructional material is as you describe it: the techniques are presented as directed towards a a positive sum interaction. The forums and blog posts are rather more mixed—some PUAs hold to the “added value” line, and others are forthright in expressing the bedpost-notching attitude.
Sounds like we are more on the same page. You are observing that the attitudes of PUAs are not homogenous; empirical research would be necessary to figure out exactly what subsets of PUAs have what attitudes towards women.
Of course, seeking casual sex, and seeking positive-sum interactions, are not mutually exclusive. There may be a correlation between seeking multiple casual sexual partners, and engaging in negative-sum interaction, yet I don’t think that such a correlation is as high as stereotypes, or even PUA’s own language, may make it sound.
Since the primary piece these men are missing is usually their ability to find partners who are sexually attracted, and to initiate sexually with those partners, it’s unsurprising that these guys primarily focus on sexual topics on internets forums; yet this kind of talk may not represent the totality of their attitudes towards women or their relationship goals. To assume that this kind of technical discussion in a specialized forum represent their entire attitudes towards women would be a classic example of the fundamental attribution error.
As for “bedpost-notching,” it’s another loaded term because it implies that seeking many partners is due to a motivation to rack up numbers, rather than, say, simply finding many people desirable.
It has pleased me to rack up numbers in the past; I noticed that the rate at which I was sleeping with new people slowed down after I’d reached a psychologically satisfying number. So it does happen, and I’d like to hope it’s not incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with wanting a certain number of partners as long as raising one’s count isn’t the primary motivation for seeking a partner (does anyone actually have that motivation? I don’t know). But the pejorative nature of the term “bedpost notching” suggests that seeking a psychologically satisfying number of partners is incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
As pjeby observes, a lot of the time, it does. Outsiders reading it just think that it doesn’t (and they do have some valid beefs).
Outsiders, when first encountering PUA language, will often note how PUAs are focused on sex and conclude that this is all they are interested in. Due to the dichotomy between sex and relationships in our culture, and stereotypes of “players,” a viewer might further conclude that since PUAs are looking for sex, then they are not looking for relationships. Women want “relationships,” men who are “players” want sex.
This is a stereotype, a schema, that ignores the fact that adult relationships typically contain sex. The next part of the schema is that “players” will do whatever it takes to have sex with women including lying and “manipulating,” and then move on, misleading and hurting her (“using her”).
Sometimes, responses to the seduction community really show less about it, and more about our culture’s views towards sex, men, and women. Some people cannot imagine that men learning to pursue sex can use it as a building block for a relationship. That it is possible for men to ethically pursue women when they are not interested in long term relationships. That some women aren’t looking for something long term with every partner. Or that guys may not be sure what they want, and that they are trying to meet people until they meet someone they really connect with.
So there are actually several types of language in the community:
Language that is positive-sum, and sounds positive sum to outsiders
Language that is positive-sum or neutral in that regard, yet sounds zero-sum to outsiders who hold certain assumptions
Language that is zero-sum, and also sounds zero-sum to outsiders
It does. I’ve pointed you to more than one sample already. Hell, even Ross Jeffries, arguably one of the sleaziest in the business, has said for decades, “Always leave her better than you found her.”
I should have been more careful in my wording—I was using “bedpost-notching” as the negation of the “added value” attitude, which it is not, as you point out.
I would be committing the fundamental attribution error if I assumed that the person who cut me off in traffic was just a jerk instead of, say, momentarily distracted. But much of the PUA ethos is about the correct attitude to hold towards women in order to have good game. Teachings and opinions vary in the community, but it’s not hard to find the contingent that holds that the optimized attitude is “bitches ain’t shit”.
Yes, you are quite correct. And there are indeed contingents in the community that advocate attitudes towards women that are negative, in which case it would be reasonable to expect that such men would be less likely to have positive-sum interaction with women. What I wanted to explain was that seeking sexual partners (“bedpost notching”) is not sufficient to ascribe a zero-sum attitude (not that you were necessarily saying otherwise). I didn’t necessarily think that you were committing the fundamental attribution error yourself; I just wanted to put forward the hypothesis that what PUAs write on internet forums doesn’t represent the totality of their views on women.
My observations tend to match yours Hugh. Perhaps my sample is biased somewhat because whenever I am devouring information I naturally seek out the higher quality sources. In the PUA circles the best literature always comes from a perspective of adding value to other people’s lives in addition to fulfilling their own goals. One reason for this is that it is simply a more effective way to think about social interaction. What you believe leaks out non-verbally and having a pro-social identity simply works better.
Regardless of the PUA scene, I simply find descriptions that are a carrier signal for a strong normative frame distasteful in general.
Not to mention that they’re only talking about a specific subsection of a specific subsection, namely the women they are actually successful with. I’m assuming their batting average is well below .500, though I could be wrong. Thus, a small subsection of a small subsection of women conform to those particular stereotypes, or at least that’s all you can say from that evidence.
Other examples suffer somewhat similar problems; all men may seem like chauvinistic jerks because chauvinistic jerks are quite noticeable and quite memorable. Thus, women may encounter more jerks because they get around more, rather than because most men are jerks.
Post is overall excellent, but some of those vaguely anecdotal counterexamples may well suffer from skewed reporting due to other biases.
Yes, see also the availability heuristic. P(A|B) does not in general equal P(B|A), but this is not necessarily obvious to human intuition.
Once is bad luck, twice is a mistake, six times is a really bad habit!
(Which, mister downvoter, I suggest is a damn important insight that is fundamental to self development that all too many people never manage to master. Who has not had friends who generalise from their own experience a quality of the world at large rather than seeing an area of their life and decision making which they could drastically improve? Heck, I’ve been there myself.)
Hmm, since I did not downvote, I must not need to read the rest of that paragraph.
Quite right. And if the said downvoter was female then it is for nobody.
That depends on your views on definite description. (It wasn’t me, though.)
Good. I considered the possibility, multiplied by the amount that making an innacurate address would irritate me and decided that it was somewhat less than the cost of dredging up gender neutral terms from the dusty corners of my brain.
One of the practical exercises pickup artists use to break their shyness is to open conversations with thirty women on the street; in fact, being able to start conversations and ask out strange women in a non-bar setting is part of what a good pickup artist is expected to be able to do (in Tokyo there’s even a name for it, “nampa”). I’d expect a pickup artist to know many different kinds of women.
Also, if you don’t really know what pickup artists do, how do you know what they think of women?