It has pleased me to rack up numbers in the past; I noticed that the rate at which I was sleeping with new people slowed down after I’d reached a psychologically satisfying number. So it does happen, and I’d like to hope it’s not incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
It has pleased me to rack up numbers in the past; I noticed that the rate at which I was sleeping with new people slowed down after I’d reached a psychologically satisfying number. So it does happen, and I’d like to hope it’s not incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with wanting a certain number of partners as long as raising one’s count isn’t the primary motivation for seeking a partner (does anyone actually have that motivation? I don’t know). But the pejorative nature of the term “bedpost notching” suggests that seeking a psychologically satisfying number of partners is incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
As pjeby observes, a lot of the time, it does. Outsiders reading it just think that it doesn’t (and they do have some valid beefs).
Outsiders, when first encountering PUA language, will often note how PUAs are focused on sex and conclude that this is all they are interested in. Due to the dichotomy between sex and relationships in our culture, and stereotypes of “players,” a viewer might further conclude that since PUAs are looking for sex, then they are not looking for relationships. Women want “relationships,” men who are “players” want sex.
This is a stereotype, a schema, that ignores the fact that adult relationships typically contain sex. The next part of the schema is that “players” will do whatever it takes to have sex with women including lying and “manipulating,” and then move on, misleading and hurting her (“using her”).
Sometimes, responses to the seduction community really show less about it, and more about our culture’s views towards sex, men, and women. Some people cannot imagine that men learning to pursue sex can use it as a building block for a relationship. That it is possible for men to ethically pursue women when they are not interested in long term relationships. That some women aren’t looking for something long term with every partner. Or that guys may not be sure what they want, and that they are trying to meet people until they meet someone they really connect with.
So there are actually several types of language in the community:
Language that is positive-sum, and sounds positive sum to outsiders
Language that is positive-sum or neutral in that regard, yet sounds zero-sum to outsiders who hold certain assumptions
Language that is zero-sum, and also sounds zero-sum to outsiders
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
It does. I’ve pointed you to more than one sample already. Hell, even Ross Jeffries, arguably one of the sleaziest in the business, has said for decades, “Always leave her better than you found her.”
It has pleased me to rack up numbers in the past; I noticed that the rate at which I was sleeping with new people slowed down after I’d reached a psychologically satisfying number. So it does happen, and I’d like to hope it’s not incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
If PUAs are seeking positive-sum interactions, why doesn’t their language reflect that?
I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with wanting a certain number of partners as long as raising one’s count isn’t the primary motivation for seeking a partner (does anyone actually have that motivation? I don’t know). But the pejorative nature of the term “bedpost notching” suggests that seeking a psychologically satisfying number of partners is incompatible with a sex-positive, positive-sum-seeking attitude.
As pjeby observes, a lot of the time, it does. Outsiders reading it just think that it doesn’t (and they do have some valid beefs).
Outsiders, when first encountering PUA language, will often note how PUAs are focused on sex and conclude that this is all they are interested in. Due to the dichotomy between sex and relationships in our culture, and stereotypes of “players,” a viewer might further conclude that since PUAs are looking for sex, then they are not looking for relationships. Women want “relationships,” men who are “players” want sex.
This is a stereotype, a schema, that ignores the fact that adult relationships typically contain sex. The next part of the schema is that “players” will do whatever it takes to have sex with women including lying and “manipulating,” and then move on, misleading and hurting her (“using her”).
Sometimes, responses to the seduction community really show less about it, and more about our culture’s views towards sex, men, and women. Some people cannot imagine that men learning to pursue sex can use it as a building block for a relationship. That it is possible for men to ethically pursue women when they are not interested in long term relationships. That some women aren’t looking for something long term with every partner. Or that guys may not be sure what they want, and that they are trying to meet people until they meet someone they really connect with.
So there are actually several types of language in the community:
Language that is positive-sum, and sounds positive sum to outsiders
Language that is positive-sum or neutral in that regard, yet sounds zero-sum to outsiders who hold certain assumptions
Language that is zero-sum, and also sounds zero-sum to outsiders
It does. I’ve pointed you to more than one sample already. Hell, even Ross Jeffries, arguably one of the sleaziest in the business, has said for decades, “Always leave her better than you found her.”