If you spend a lot of time frustratedly explaining to people why you don’t do some common social activity, consider giving in and just doing it.
There have been a few discussions on Less Wrong about how to explain to people why you don’t drink. I eventually got so frustrated at having to verbally offset the mistrust I received through not drinking, I just went ahead and started drinking. It obviously depends on your social situation, but for me this amounts to maybe four glasses of wine a month, which is a ridiculously good trade-off.
Can you find nicer friends? No one has ever been weird about the fact that I don’t really drink. (If anyone tried to be weird about it, I think I would claim there was alcoholism in my family—there’s not, as far as I know. And not be friends with them.)
Without outright asking or commenting, people can still subconsciously judge, especially in certain situations or social groups.
For example, I am the president of my chapter of my fraternity. Some people interested don’t drink. While for the most part people look past the not drinking, there are some activities or events where drinking is common. We have had some non-drinkers still enjoy themselves, but some have been scared away as a result of said activities.
I think an equal precursor to the idea of being judged for not drinking is how you handle being around others who are. If you can still enjoy yourself without the alcohol, in a lot of cases being judged for it is in your imagination. If you sit there awkwardly in the corner sober while everyone else is having a good time, the judgement is very real. It’s just not entirely for the reason you think.
If you sit there awkwardly in the corner sober while everyone else is having a good time, the judgement is very real. It’s just not entirely for the reason you think.
Yeah, not surprising. That doesn’t sound like it adds fun for anyone. (I have been in that situation a few times, but never by choice.)
I wasn’t the most social person when I started hanging out with the fraternity I ended up joining, so I did some of that at first, even when I did drink. It took some time to get out of my shell a little. I have since improved with that, indicated by the fact that I was voted to be president, with the main job of being the “face” of the house. I do my best to help people who are in that role become more involved, whether they choose to drink or not, because I was in a similar role my first year. Some people, and it does generally seem to be the non-drinkers, resist that, and they mostly end up not coming back. Drinking is far from all we do, but it’s one of the ways we relax and get to know people, so people not being social to at least some extent do end up treated differently.
My recommendation if you don’t drink and go to social situations where people do is to simply have a good time. Be social, smile, feel free to be a little animated, and you’ll be alright. There are plenty of nights where people drink where I choose not to (often because I’m broke), and while some nights I will have alcohol handed to me because I don’t have a cup in my hand, for the most part people don’t know if I’m drinking or not. (Unless I do a 12 foot beer bong of wine. Then they can tell.) If you don’t make things awkward, most people won’t either, and the ones who do will be handled by others.
Sure, that’s my usual approach. Times when it hasn’t gone like that have been times when I have very much not wanted to be wherever I was and for one reason or another been unable to escape. I think such a situation is more noticeable to others (and to the one experiencing it, perhaps...) when the person in question is sober than drunk!
After putting polyurethane on the floor of a house, I had an -excellent- reason which few people questioned: After polyurethaning the floor, alchohol started tasting like polyurethane smelled. (To this day it still hasn’t faded completely. I stopped drinking entirely for a long time there, and still can’t do straight whiskey shots, which was my old standard. Went from tasting pretty good to… awful.) Takes about thirty seconds to explain, and most people accept it just based on the weirdness of the reason.
It’s a refusal to participate in ritualized social bonding, and that signals you aren’t willing to relax around other people and don’t consider them to be part of your social in-group. If you’re not drinking, that may also mean you get to keep your guard up while everyone else is saying and doing silly or even forbidden things.
I can’t drink because of my medications, and I always get teased about it. “Come on, just one shot is fine...”
Or it signals that you are comfortable asserting your own values in contradiction to a group. That’s a very positive signal to me, but probably generally negative.
Interesting. I knew people think that way in Japan (I was thinking about asking sixes_and_sevens if they were Japanese), but there, people don’t mind if you actually do silly/forbidden things when you’re drunk (or so I’ve heard).
I probably should drink less myself, and I tend to think of non-drinkers as “sensible people who didn’t like the taste of alcohol when they were teenagers and didn’t give in to social pressure” (like my mother, my sister and my husband).
If you spend a lot of time frustratedly explaining to people why you don’t do some common social activity, consider giving in and just doing it.
There have been a few discussions on Less Wrong about how to explain to people why you don’t drink. I eventually got so frustrated at having to verbally offset the mistrust I received through not drinking, I just went ahead and started drinking. It obviously depends on your social situation, but for me this amounts to maybe four glasses of wine a month, which is a ridiculously good trade-off.
Can you find nicer friends? No one has ever been weird about the fact that I don’t really drink. (If anyone tried to be weird about it, I think I would claim there was alcoholism in my family—there’s not, as far as I know. And not be friends with them.)
Without outright asking or commenting, people can still subconsciously judge, especially in certain situations or social groups.
For example, I am the president of my chapter of my fraternity. Some people interested don’t drink. While for the most part people look past the not drinking, there are some activities or events where drinking is common. We have had some non-drinkers still enjoy themselves, but some have been scared away as a result of said activities.
I think an equal precursor to the idea of being judged for not drinking is how you handle being around others who are. If you can still enjoy yourself without the alcohol, in a lot of cases being judged for it is in your imagination. If you sit there awkwardly in the corner sober while everyone else is having a good time, the judgement is very real. It’s just not entirely for the reason you think.
Yeah, not surprising. That doesn’t sound like it adds fun for anyone. (I have been in that situation a few times, but never by choice.)
I wasn’t the most social person when I started hanging out with the fraternity I ended up joining, so I did some of that at first, even when I did drink. It took some time to get out of my shell a little. I have since improved with that, indicated by the fact that I was voted to be president, with the main job of being the “face” of the house. I do my best to help people who are in that role become more involved, whether they choose to drink or not, because I was in a similar role my first year. Some people, and it does generally seem to be the non-drinkers, resist that, and they mostly end up not coming back. Drinking is far from all we do, but it’s one of the ways we relax and get to know people, so people not being social to at least some extent do end up treated differently.
My recommendation if you don’t drink and go to social situations where people do is to simply have a good time. Be social, smile, feel free to be a little animated, and you’ll be alright. There are plenty of nights where people drink where I choose not to (often because I’m broke), and while some nights I will have alcohol handed to me because I don’t have a cup in my hand, for the most part people don’t know if I’m drinking or not. (Unless I do a 12 foot beer bong of wine. Then they can tell.) If you don’t make things awkward, most people won’t either, and the ones who do will be handled by others.
Sure, that’s my usual approach. Times when it hasn’t gone like that have been times when I have very much not wanted to be wherever I was and for one reason or another been unable to escape. I think such a situation is more noticeable to others (and to the one experiencing it, perhaps...) when the person in question is sober than drunk!
After putting polyurethane on the floor of a house, I had an -excellent- reason which few people questioned: After polyurethaning the floor, alchohol started tasting like polyurethane smelled. (To this day it still hasn’t faded completely. I stopped drinking entirely for a long time there, and still can’t do straight whiskey shots, which was my old standard. Went from tasting pretty good to… awful.) Takes about thirty seconds to explain, and most people accept it just based on the weirdness of the reason.
Mistrust? Why would people mistrust you if you don’t drink?
It’s a refusal to participate in ritualized social bonding, and that signals you aren’t willing to relax around other people and don’t consider them to be part of your social in-group. If you’re not drinking, that may also mean you get to keep your guard up while everyone else is saying and doing silly or even forbidden things.
I can’t drink because of my medications, and I always get teased about it. “Come on, just one shot is fine...”
Or it signals that you are comfortable asserting your own values in contradiction to a group. That’s a very positive signal to me, but probably generally negative.
Or maybe they think that your non-drinking is not a value of yours, but a value of another group that you are choosing over theirs.
Interesting. I knew people think that way in Japan (I was thinking about asking sixes_and_sevens if they were Japanese), but there, people don’t mind if you actually do silly/forbidden things when you’re drunk (or so I’ve heard).
I can’t speak for everybody, but I think this is the reason why I tend to dislike non-drinkers.
Huh, you got a downvote for that? That wasn’t me!
I probably should drink less myself, and I tend to think of non-drinkers as “sensible people who didn’t like the taste of alcohol when they were teenagers and didn’t give in to social pressure” (like my mother, my sister and my husband).