I feel so much freer when I don’t have to demonstrate that I am happy.
Sometimes, it almost seems like I am truly happy only when I “escape” or “triumph” over something that almost “ate me up”: my husband’s household, the Department that I had gone to for a PhD thesis… the genuinely nice psychiatrist who soothes my Mother’s fears… Like “I am happy when I have proved that I haven’t changed, because change is corruption”. So yes, [feeling happy] is one of the necessary chores of self-maintenance. I don’t get why I should want it more than, say, a chance to sleep in.
OTOH, joy is very different. It kind of just happens, unasked-for.
Well, in my life I can recall two instances off-hand. There have probably been more of them, but at the very least, they seem to be completely unrelated to attempts to raise well-being levels...