Maybe you need to go more crazy, not less. Accept that you are in an existential desert and your soul is dying. But there are other places over the horizon, where you may or may not be better off. So either you die where you are, or you pick a direction, crawl, and see if you end up somewhere better.
I’ve considered that. There are changes in circumstances that would effect positive changes in my mental state, like hopping on the first train to a faraway town or just stop pretending I’m normal in public. I’d be much happier, until I run out of money.
Not one big abnormality. Inability to work for long stretches of time (you can get good at faking). Trouble focusing at random-ish times (even easier to fake). Inability to do certain things out of routine (now I pretend I’ll do it later). Extreme anxiety at things like paperwork. Panic attacks (I can delay them until I’m alone, but the cost is high). Sometimes after a panic attack my legs refuse to work, so I just sit there; I could crawl, but I don’t in public. Stimming (I choose consciously to do it, but the effects of not doing it when it’s needed are bad; I do it as discreetly as possible while still effective).
I do, very much; I want a job so I can get money so I can do things (such as, you know, saving the world). I don’t particularly like schooling but it helps get jobs, and has less variance than being an autodidact.
Maybe you need to go more crazy, not less. Accept that you are in an existential desert and your soul is dying. But there are other places over the horizon, where you may or may not be better off. So either you die where you are, or you pick a direction, crawl, and see if you end up somewhere better.
I’ve considered that. There are changes in circumstances that would effect positive changes in my mental state, like hopping on the first train to a faraway town or just stop pretending I’m normal in public. I’d be much happier, until I run out of money.
Why would you run out of money if you stopped pretending you’re normal?
I couldn’t go to school or get a job. If I stay in school, I have a career ahead of me if I can pursue it.
What is this abnormality you have which, if you displayed it, would make it impossible to go to school or get a job?
Not one big abnormality. Inability to work for long stretches of time (you can get good at faking). Trouble focusing at random-ish times (even easier to fake). Inability to do certain things out of routine (now I pretend I’ll do it later). Extreme anxiety at things like paperwork. Panic attacks (I can delay them until I’m alone, but the cost is high). Sometimes after a panic attack my legs refuse to work, so I just sit there; I could crawl, but I don’t in public. Stimming (I choose consciously to do it, but the effects of not doing it when it’s needed are bad; I do it as discreetly as possible while still effective).
Panic attacks are a very treatable illness. See a medical doctor and tell him or her all about this.
Not wanting to go to school or get a job?
Nice try.
I do, very much; I want a job so I can get money so I can do things (such as, you know, saving the world). I don’t particularly like schooling but it helps get jobs, and has less variance than being an autodidact.