Any good advice on how to become kinder? This can really be classified as two related goals, 1) How can I get more enjoyment out of alleviating others suffering and giving others happiness? 2) How can I reliably do 1 without negative emotions getting in my way (ex. staying calm and making small nudges to persuade people rather than getting angry and trying to change people’s worldview rapidly)?
I’d recommend Nonviolent Communication for this. It contains specific techniques for how to frame interactions that I’ve found useful for creating mutual empathy. How To Win Friends And Influence People is also a good source, although IIRC it’s more focused on what to do than on how to do it. (And of course, if you read the books, you have to actually practice to get good at the techniques.)
Thanks! And out of curiosity, does the first book have much data backing it? The author’s credentials seem respectable so the book would be useful even if it relied on mostly anecdotal evidence, but if it has research backing it up then I would classify it as something I need (rather than ought) to read.
According to wikipedia, there’s a little research and it’s been positive, but it’s not the sort of research I find persuasive. I do have mountains of anecdata from myself and several friends whose opinions I trust more than my own. PM me if you want a pdf of the book.
I would like to offer further anecdotal evidence that NVC techniques are useful for understanding your own and other people’s feelings and feeling empathy toward them.
Thirded. The most helpful part for me was internalising the idea that even annoying/angry/etc outbursts are the result of people trying to get their needs met. It may not be a need I agree with, but it gives me better intuition for what reaction may be most effective.
When it comes to research about paradigms like that it’s hard to evaluate them. If you look at nonviolent communication and set up your experiment well enough I think you will definitely find effects.
The real question isn’t whether the framework does something but whether it’s useful. That in turn depends on your goals.
Whether a framework helps you to successfully communicate depends a lot on cultural background of the people with whom you are interacting.
If you engage in NVC, some people with a strong sense of competition might see you as week.
If you would consistentely engage in NVC in your communcation on LessWrong, you might be seen as a weird outsider.
You would need an awful lot of studies to be certain about the particular tradeoff in using NVC for a particular real world situation.
I don’t know of many studies that compare whether Windows is better than Linux or whether VIM is better than Emacs. Communication paradigms are similar they are complex and difficult to compare.
I found NVC is very intuitively compelling, have personal anecdotal evidence that it works (though not independent of ESRogs, we go to the same class).
In addition to seconding nonviolent communication, cognitive behavior therapy techniques are pretty good—basically mindfulness exercises and introspection. If you want to change how you respond to certain situations (e.g. times when you get angry, or times when you have an opportunity to do something nice), you can start by practicing awareness of those situations, e.g. by keeping a pencil and piece of paper in your pocket and making a check mark when the situation occurs.
I also want to learn how to be kinder. The sticking point, for me, is better prediction about what makes people feel good.
I was very ill a year ago, and at that time learned a great deal about how comforting it is to be taken care of by someone who is compassionate and knowledgeable about my condition. But for me, unless I’m very familiar with that exact situation, I have trouble anticipating what will make someone feel better.
This is also true in everyday situations. I work on figuring out how to make guests feel better in my home and how to make a host feel better when I’m the guest. (I already know that my naturally overly-analytic, overly-accommodating manner is not most effective.) I observe other people carefully, but it all seems very complex and I consider myself learning and a ‘beginner’—far behind someone who is more natural at this.
I have trouble anticipating what will make someone feel better.
In this kind of situation, I usually just ask, outright, “What can I do to help you?” Then I can file away the answer for the next time the same thing happens.
However, this assumes that, like me, you are in a strongly Ask culture. If the people you know are strongly Guess, you might get answers such as “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account”, in which case the next best thing is probably to ask 1) people around them, or 2) the Internet.
You also need to keep your eyes out for both Ask cues and Guess cues of consent and nonconsent—some people don’t want help, some people don’t want your help, and some people won’t tell you if you’re giving them the wrong help because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. This is the part I get hung up on.
The “keep your eyes out for cues” works the other way around in what we’re calling a “Guess culture” as well.
That is, most natives of such a culture will be providing you with hints about what you can do to help them, while at the same time saying “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account.” Paying attention to those hints and creating opportunities for them to provide such hints is sometimes useful.
(I frequently observe that “Guess culture” is a very Ask-culture way of describing Hint culture.)
Yes, I would like to improve on all of this. I haven’t found the internet particularly helpful.
And I do find myself in a bewildering ‘guess’ culture. Asking others (though not too close to the particular situation) would probably yield the most information.
I find myself happier when I act more kindly to others. In addition, lowering suffering/increasing happiness are pretty close to terminal values for me.
It mostly boils down to simply concentrating on feeling nice towards everyone. There is some technical advice on how to turn the vague goal of ‘feeling nice’ to more concrete mental actions (through visualization, repeating specific phrases, focusing on positive qualities of people) and how to structure the practice by having a progression of people towards which you generate warm fuzzy feelings, of increasing level of difficulty (like starting with yourself and eventually moving on to someone you consider an enemy). Most of this can be found in the Wiki article or easily googled.
Any good advice on how to become kinder? This can really be classified as two related goals, 1) How can I get more enjoyment out of alleviating others suffering and giving others happiness? 2) How can I reliably do 1 without negative emotions getting in my way (ex. staying calm and making small nudges to persuade people rather than getting angry and trying to change people’s worldview rapidly)?
I’d recommend Nonviolent Communication for this. It contains specific techniques for how to frame interactions that I’ve found useful for creating mutual empathy. How To Win Friends And Influence People is also a good source, although IIRC it’s more focused on what to do than on how to do it. (And of course, if you read the books, you have to actually practice to get good at the techniques.)
Thanks! And out of curiosity, does the first book have much data backing it? The author’s credentials seem respectable so the book would be useful even if it relied on mostly anecdotal evidence, but if it has research backing it up then I would classify it as something I need (rather than ought) to read.
According to wikipedia, there’s a little research and it’s been positive, but it’s not the sort of research I find persuasive. I do have mountains of anecdata from myself and several friends whose opinions I trust more than my own. PM me if you want a pdf of the book.
I would like to offer further anecdotal evidence that NVC techniques are useful for understanding your own and other people’s feelings and feeling empathy toward them.
Thirded. The most helpful part for me was internalising the idea that even annoying/angry/etc outbursts are the result of people trying to get their needs met. It may not be a need I agree with, but it gives me better intuition for what reaction may be most effective.
When it comes to research about paradigms like that it’s hard to evaluate them. If you look at nonviolent communication and set up your experiment well enough I think you will definitely find effects.
The real question isn’t whether the framework does something but whether it’s useful. That in turn depends on your goals.
Whether a framework helps you to successfully communicate depends a lot on cultural background of the people with whom you are interacting.
If you engage in NVC, some people with a strong sense of competition might see you as week. If you would consistentely engage in NVC in your communcation on LessWrong, you might be seen as a weird outsider.
You would need an awful lot of studies to be certain about the particular tradeoff in using NVC for a particular real world situation.
I don’t know of many studies that compare whether Windows is better than Linux or whether VIM is better than Emacs. Communication paradigms are similar they are complex and difficult to compare.
I found NVC is very intuitively compelling, have personal anecdotal evidence that it works (though not independent of ESRogs, we go to the same class).
In addition to seconding nonviolent communication, cognitive behavior therapy techniques are pretty good—basically mindfulness exercises and introspection. If you want to change how you respond to certain situations (e.g. times when you get angry, or times when you have an opportunity to do something nice), you can start by practicing awareness of those situations, e.g. by keeping a pencil and piece of paper in your pocket and making a check mark when the situation occurs.
I also want to learn how to be kinder. The sticking point, for me, is better prediction about what makes people feel good.
I was very ill a year ago, and at that time learned a great deal about how comforting it is to be taken care of by someone who is compassionate and knowledgeable about my condition. But for me, unless I’m very familiar with that exact situation, I have trouble anticipating what will make someone feel better.
This is also true in everyday situations. I work on figuring out how to make guests feel better in my home and how to make a host feel better when I’m the guest. (I already know that my naturally overly-analytic, overly-accommodating manner is not most effective.) I observe other people carefully, but it all seems very complex and I consider myself learning and a ‘beginner’—far behind someone who is more natural at this.
In this kind of situation, I usually just ask, outright, “What can I do to help you?” Then I can file away the answer for the next time the same thing happens.
However, this assumes that, like me, you are in a strongly Ask culture. If the people you know are strongly Guess, you might get answers such as “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account”, in which case the next best thing is probably to ask 1) people around them, or 2) the Internet.
You also need to keep your eyes out for both Ask cues and Guess cues of consent and nonconsent—some people don’t want help, some people don’t want your help, and some people won’t tell you if you’re giving them the wrong help because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. This is the part I get hung up on.
The “keep your eyes out for cues” works the other way around in what we’re calling a “Guess culture” as well.
That is, most natives of such a culture will be providing you with hints about what you can do to help them, while at the same time saying “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account.” Paying attention to those hints and creating opportunities for them to provide such hints is sometimes useful.
(I frequently observe that “Guess culture” is a very Ask-culture way of describing Hint culture.)
Yes, I would like to improve on all of this. I haven’t found the internet particularly helpful.
And I do find myself in a bewildering ‘guess’ culture. Asking others (though not too close to the particular situation) would probably yield the most information.
What is your reason for wanting to?
I find myself happier when I act more kindly to others. In addition, lowering suffering/increasing happiness are pretty close to terminal values for me.
You say
Yet you said earlier that
Does this mean that you feel that you do enjoy it but not “enough” in some sense and you want to enjoy it even more?
Correct, it is enjoyable but I wish to make it more so. Hence why I used “more”.
I recommend trying loving-kindness meditation.
Could you elaborate? I’m relatively familiar with and practice mindfulness meditation, but I’ve never heard of loving-kindness meditation.
This here Wikipedia page is a good summary.
It mostly boils down to simply concentrating on feeling nice towards everyone. There is some technical advice on how to turn the vague goal of ‘feeling nice’ to more concrete mental actions (through visualization, repeating specific phrases, focusing on positive qualities of people) and how to structure the practice by having a progression of people towards which you generate warm fuzzy feelings, of increasing level of difficulty (like starting with yourself and eventually moving on to someone you consider an enemy). Most of this can be found in the Wiki article or easily googled.
See here for an introduction.