I also want to learn how to be kinder. The sticking point, for me, is better prediction about what makes people feel good.
I was very ill a year ago, and at that time learned a great deal about how comforting it is to be taken care of by someone who is compassionate and knowledgeable about my condition. But for me, unless I’m very familiar with that exact situation, I have trouble anticipating what will make someone feel better.
This is also true in everyday situations. I work on figuring out how to make guests feel better in my home and how to make a host feel better when I’m the guest. (I already know that my naturally overly-analytic, overly-accommodating manner is not most effective.) I observe other people carefully, but it all seems very complex and I consider myself learning and a ‘beginner’—far behind someone who is more natural at this.
I have trouble anticipating what will make someone feel better.
In this kind of situation, I usually just ask, outright, “What can I do to help you?” Then I can file away the answer for the next time the same thing happens.
However, this assumes that, like me, you are in a strongly Ask culture. If the people you know are strongly Guess, you might get answers such as “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account”, in which case the next best thing is probably to ask 1) people around them, or 2) the Internet.
You also need to keep your eyes out for both Ask cues and Guess cues of consent and nonconsent—some people don’t want help, some people don’t want your help, and some people won’t tell you if you’re giving them the wrong help because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. This is the part I get hung up on.
The “keep your eyes out for cues” works the other way around in what we’re calling a “Guess culture” as well.
That is, most natives of such a culture will be providing you with hints about what you can do to help them, while at the same time saying “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account.” Paying attention to those hints and creating opportunities for them to provide such hints is sometimes useful.
(I frequently observe that “Guess culture” is a very Ask-culture way of describing Hint culture.)
Yes, I would like to improve on all of this. I haven’t found the internet particularly helpful.
And I do find myself in a bewildering ‘guess’ culture. Asking others (though not too close to the particular situation) would probably yield the most information.
I also want to learn how to be kinder. The sticking point, for me, is better prediction about what makes people feel good.
I was very ill a year ago, and at that time learned a great deal about how comforting it is to be taken care of by someone who is compassionate and knowledgeable about my condition. But for me, unless I’m very familiar with that exact situation, I have trouble anticipating what will make someone feel better.
This is also true in everyday situations. I work on figuring out how to make guests feel better in my home and how to make a host feel better when I’m the guest. (I already know that my naturally overly-analytic, overly-accommodating manner is not most effective.) I observe other people carefully, but it all seems very complex and I consider myself learning and a ‘beginner’—far behind someone who is more natural at this.
In this kind of situation, I usually just ask, outright, “What can I do to help you?” Then I can file away the answer for the next time the same thing happens.
However, this assumes that, like me, you are in a strongly Ask culture. If the people you know are strongly Guess, you might get answers such as “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account”, in which case the next best thing is probably to ask 1) people around them, or 2) the Internet.
You also need to keep your eyes out for both Ask cues and Guess cues of consent and nonconsent—some people don’t want help, some people don’t want your help, and some people won’t tell you if you’re giving them the wrong help because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. This is the part I get hung up on.
The “keep your eyes out for cues” works the other way around in what we’re calling a “Guess culture” as well.
That is, most natives of such a culture will be providing you with hints about what you can do to help them, while at the same time saying “Oh, it’s all right, don’t inconvenience yourself on my account.” Paying attention to those hints and creating opportunities for them to provide such hints is sometimes useful.
(I frequently observe that “Guess culture” is a very Ask-culture way of describing Hint culture.)
Yes, I would like to improve on all of this. I haven’t found the internet particularly helpful.
And I do find myself in a bewildering ‘guess’ culture. Asking others (though not too close to the particular situation) would probably yield the most information.