Instead of thinking that this guy is just too clingy/creepy/codependent/etc., dig a little deeper.
I could pause before attaching labels, but I don’t think arbitrary guys who I don’t enjoy interactions with ought to get particularly much attention in the form of “digging”; that doesn’t make sense to me.
I don’t think I would enjoy a prolonged period of having to manage someone’s desperation on the expectation that there is an otherwise functional guy under all of it. Plenty of guys come functional out of the package, so the opportunity cost of a lot of dysfunction-fussing-with is high. But your advice could be good for people who like fixer-uppers; it’s probably safer and more productive than trying to tame a sociopath or something.
“the ones who do seem compatible have problems like the above”
There are a lot of incompatible guys trying to make me like them and hoping they can magically “make it work”, and the ones who do seem good have problems like the above, and I feel a need to cut it short to prevent dysfunction.
You can be dysfunctional and incompatible, which is a fail. Or you can be functional and incompatible, also a fail. Or you can be compatible and dysfunctional, still a fail.
The only thing that’s not a definite fail is compatible + functional.
I could pause before attaching labels, but I don’t think arbitrary guys who I don’t enjoy interactions with ought to get particularly much attention in the form of “digging”; that doesn’t make sense to me.
In the context of Epiphany’s post, these aren’t arbitrary guys:
I don’t think I would enjoy a prolonged period of having to manage someone’s desperation on the expectation that there is an otherwise functional guy under all of it. Plenty of guys come functional out of the package, so the opportunity cost of a lot of dysfunction-fussing-with is high. But your advice could be good for people who like fixer-uppers; it’s probably safer and more productive than trying to tame a sociopath or something.
Well, this conversation has managed to go right around in a circle:
Also, turning “dig a little deeper” into “a prolonged period” seems uncharitable.
Well, yes. I do in fact have many more romantic prospects than a bunch of the guys I know. Should I act like that is false?
Prolonged beyond what is enjoyable, or required for me to achieve a comfortable level of confidence that it’s not going to become enjoyable soon.
If you read it in context, that means:
“the ones who do seem compatible have problems like the above”
You can be dysfunctional and incompatible, which is a fail. Or you can be functional and incompatible, also a fail. Or you can be compatible and dysfunctional, still a fail.
The only thing that’s not a definite fail is compatible + functional.