I’d really like to know some basic, repeatable exercises that build empathy and social skills. Changing your everyday behavior to incorporate little bits of training here and there is not very effective. It’s like wanting to get fit and deciding to walk a little faster whenever you need to get somewhere, instead of joining the gym. Or wanting to be a musician and deciding to hum along to songs more often, instead of getting a tutor.
Great points in this article. I noticed in high school that I had difficulties in this area, but rather than approach it with this conceptual pwno has, I sought out training regimens more like what you describe.
I can’t say that they’ve been super effective. I still come across as a bit “off” a lot of the time, but they’ve certainly helped. YMMV, of course.
If you’re single (or, at least, not locked down), join a dating website (or a few). Don’t try to find the love of your life. Just try to go on as many first dates as you can. Try to learn as much as you can about the other person, and practice empathy techniques. This is good because people tend to have very little tolerance for odd behavior, and will be experiencing a lot of odd uncertainty, curiosity, excitement, etc., themselves. Make it your goal to learn about them, and build a model of this new person.
Take a foreign language. This is good because it’s regular, safe, and you’ll have to interact and converse with a bunch of people. Since you’re all struggling, people tend to let their guard down, and the conversation topics are usually pretty basic (what’s your name, where do you live, how many pets do you have, blah blah blah) so it’s not distracting. I’m studying ASL now. Sign language is particularly good because facial/body language is such a huge part of the language, so it can build a lot of control and awareness.
Take a dance or martial arts class. Empathy is a very physical activity, and it can be incredibly instructive to learn how to trust your instincts and respond to another person’s body in real time. While, of course, it happens in the brain, it’s not the sort of problem that (in my experience) I can “think my way out of”.
Tell the people closest to you that you’ve come to realize that this is something you need to work on, and that they seem pretty good at it, and ask them to a) call you out on it when you seem to act oddly, and b) to be patient and helpful if you ever ask them how they’re feeling at random times. Most people will be flattered and happy to help. Then actually use their help! Resist the urge to be defensive if they correct you on something, and repeatedly check your model of how you think they’re feeling if you’re unsure. (Make sure to tell them that it’s ok to tell you to stop, if it bugs them. You don’t want to push people away in your quest to be more empathic!)
When you’re speaking with people, try to figure out how they’re feeling, and state it as a tentative sentence. Throw in “And you’re happy about this” or “that makes you sad” or “you’re mad at me about something” in conversation, if it seems like that’s true. In therapy, this is called making “process comments”—comments that just state what’s happening, and don’t try to add explanation or judgement. They’ll correct you if you’re wrong, and give you more information if you’re right. It’s an incredibly powerful technique, and much more difficult than it sounds.
Keep a log. At the end of each day, write down how someone you know was feeling, and how it made you feel, and what physical sensations made you aware of these feelings. Especially: make a note of any time when someone’s behavior surprised you, or someone you know who is consistently surprising. This means that you’re not reading them properly.
Remind yourself frequently that no one is the villain of their own story. So, while they may in fact be a villain any number of reasons, thinking of them as such will not help you understand them.
A lot of overcoming a lack of empathy is simply a matter of overcoming a fear of interaction as such. If you wear a watch or carry a book with you everywhere you go, stop. Every time you’re at a bus stop (train station, etc.), ask someone what time it is, and make put-up comment. If you make them smile, you get a point. If you don’t, make a note of it in your journal and try to think of why that might have been. Did they seem annoyed? Startled? Tired? What messages were you sending that might have made them felt that way? How could you have misinterpreted their reaction?
I learned a lot from doing door-to-door sales once upon a time, but I would not recommend that. As helpful as it was for getting over my lack of empathy and social skills, it was a horrible experience overall.
Great suggestions. I like the suggestions of using dates and classes as behavior labs. I’d like to add one comment, though, on point number 5:
‘When you’re speaking with people, try to figure out how they’re feeling, and state it as a tentative sentence. Throw in “And you’re happy about this” or “that makes you sad” or “you’re mad at me about something” in conversation, if it seems like that’s true. In therapy, this is called making “process comments”—comments that just state what’s happening, and don’t try to add explanation or judgement. They’ll correct you if you’re wrong, and give you more information if you’re right. It’s an incredibly powerful technique, and much more difficult than it sounds.’
Personally, I’d be very careful with making statements about another person’s feelings in this format. If your read of their emotions is wrong, this can come across as forming snap judgements and being unwilling to listen to them about what they are actually feeling. Even more frightening, I’ve found that when other people state things about my own emotional state, I tend to become confused about what I actually am feeling, wondering if I actually did have an unconscious motive driven by the emotions they point to. I suspect this is more likely to be problematic when the person making the statement is perceived as higher status. On the other hand, if the status difference is reversed, the statement may sound presumptuous.
Instead, I’d suggest using language that shows ownership of your own perceptions “I get the sense that you’re upset about something...” or “You seem happy to me.” Or present the observation as a question “Are you angry about what happened?”
I’ve had very mixed results with this technique. Some people respond to it very positively, others very negatively. The same is true of asking targeted questions (e.g., “Are you angry...?”) or open-ended questions (e.g. “How do you feel about that?”) or asserting my own observations (e.g., “You seem angry to me”).
Face to face, I can usually figure out with some tentative probing which approach works best before I commit to one. But the safest tactic I’ve come across, and the one I generally use on the Internet (where I cannot tell who is listening to me or how they might respond), is sticking to related statements about my own experience (e.g. “That would anger me”) and avoiding the second person pronoun altogether.
I can barely read people’s feelings at all on the Internet, or in any text-based medium really. So I tend to avoid discussing their feelings at all unless it’s in response to them bringing up feelings and describing it themselves.
I’m pretty good at reading body language and facial expressions it in real life (well, I can place people quite easily on a spectrum of ‘relaxed’ to ‘uncomfortable’, and it’s sometimes harder to tell what particular kind of uncomfortable they are feeling, i.e. sad vs frustrated vs angry). What I find works well is “summarizing” what they have said and then adding one comment at the end that is my interpretation or observation, if I have one. Most people I know respond well to this; I find that even if I’ve interpreted their feelings wrong, they are eager to go deeper into the conversation and correct me, rather than getting frustrated and walking off. Which is ultimately what I want: more conversation time, about more topics, so that I have more data for my ‘model.’
Yes, that’s why I mentioned that it’s much more difficult than it seems. There are two negative reactions I’ve encountered: The first is a “yeah, no $#!+, what are you, autistic or something?” The second is, “No, why would you even think that? Are you autistic or something?”
So, yeah… use with caution. It’s a technique that can be a little weird, but when you’re finding yourself completely without any clue what’s going on inside someone else, and you really need to know, just throwing out your best guess (or whatever you do know, even if it’s not the full story) almost always gets some reaction that will give you more information. I’ve learned that process comments must be made tentatively; half-question, half-validation.
Another thing I forgot to mention: Non-Violent Communication. Get this book and read it. http://amzn.com/dp/1892005034 It’s full of things that sound obvious. So read it again and again.
Most people, in most situations, have a strong desire to tell you how they feel, what they’re interested in, etc. Learning how to let them do this is very powerful. A lot of what passes for empathy is just a matter of not inadvertently shutting people down before they get a chance to tell you what they’re feeling.
I’ve realized over the years that I habitually made a ton of mistakes that NVC explicitly calls out. Noticing these mistakes is hard. Changing them is harder. It’s a worthwhile enterprise.
EDIT: A slight correction: “you’re angry” is not technically a “process comment” unless it’s bloody well obvious that the person is angry. “You’re speaking loudly” or “you just smashed the table” would be process comments (assuming that they are true.)
I learned a lot from doing door-to-door sales once upon a time, but I would not recommend that. As helpful as it was for getting over my lack of empathy and social skills, it was a horrible experience overall.
I don’t have a handy exercise regimen, but I’ll toss in my two cents.
An exercise I often do in this space involves explicitly looking for symmetry: if I am judging someone for doing X, I look for and articulate ways in which I also do X; if I am feeling aggrieved because Y has happened to me, I look for and articulate ways in which Y has also happened to other people. I doubt it helps build empathy directly, but it helps me curtail some reflexes that seem incompatible with empathy.
Another involves building models of worlds in addition to people: if someone is behaving in a way that seems inconsistent with how the world actually is, I try to work out in some detail how the world would have to be for their behavior to make sense… or, rather, what the minimal changes would have to be. It seems like something that ought not make a difference, and yet it does: the way I approach someone who I model as operating in a fictional world where everyone is a dangerous threat, for example, is different (and much more compassionate) than the way I approach someone who I model as being frightened of everyone.
Taking a step back… I find it’s helpful to remember that every time someone seems to be doing or saying something unconscionably stupid, or thoughtless, or evil, or otherwise behaving in ways that I want to classify as other-than-me, that’s an opportunity to instead practice empathy and compassion. (I don’t mean to suggest here that one ought to practice empathy and compassion in such cases; I don’t think that’s a useful claim to make in this context.)
Taking a step back… I find it’s helpful to remember that every time someone seems to be doing or saying something unconscionably stupid, or thoughtless, or evil, or otherwise behaving in ways that I want to classify as other-than-me, that’s an opportunity to instead practice empathy and compassion.
I think this is an excellent point. From most people’s own point of view, they never do anything stupid, thoughtless, or evil. Everything is justified as the best or only course of action that anyone they consider reasonable could take when put into the same circumstances. If you look at what they’re doing and judge it to be stupid, thoughtless, or evil, and you don’t understand how they could see it otherwise, then your model of them is incomplete. This method has almost always worked for me in terms of figuring out the missing bit of my model, and usually works for reducing frustration. (Sometimes my own emotional response is still “I know I’d do exactly the same thing in your place, but it’s still freaking annoying!”)
I agree with this point as well, and I think it bears emphasizing.
Awhile ago, I had a series of conversations with a friend who was having problems with people in her workplace. She would complain along the lines of, “I just can’t believe that X would just shuffle a problem over to my desk. It was X’s responsibility to solve the problem; X must be trying to get me in trouble with the boss.”
Or similar formulations.
It gradually became clear that her go-to modality was to think that if other people aggravated her, it was because they were doing it on purpose.
I pointed out to her that practically nobody in the world enjoys maliciousness, meanness, etc. and that, given the choice of ascribing a person’s actions to maliciousness, when it was just as plausible that the real motivation was thoughtlessness, misunderstanding, or ignorance, one should only opt for maliciousness if there’s a number of REALLY GOOD REASONS to think the person would behave that way.
Ultimately, we all want to get along with those around us. Usually, when we don’t, it’s misunderstanding to blame.
Well, sometimes people really are out to get you. My brother’s immediately senior co-worker at Goldman Sachs once admitted to deliberately trying to sabotage his work. The co-worker was indeed behaving quite game-theoretic-rationally, though; the way Goldman Sachs works, it was likely that exactly one of them would soon lose their job.
I also find it can help with communication. That is, when I decide I want to talk to someone about the annoying behavior (which I don’t always, of course) the opening tack of “I notice you doing X, which is something that I do more often than I’d like and really irritates me when I do it, so I’m kind of sensitized to it” is often both entirely true and a useful way of shortcircuiting the usual adversarial dance that starts that sort of conversation.
I like to watch movies and decide who is the smartest person, who is the most compassionate person, and who is the meanest person. And then ask myself: Why? Some mean behavior is actually an irrational self-protective response, for example.
The problem is the repeatability. Social skills, by their very nature, require interaction with people. And people are unpredictable; at least, until you have good enough social skills :p.
The closest I can come to an exercise regime suggestion* is to go into bars, coffee shops, or other gathering places; and look around for a person (or people) who seems bored, lonely, or otherwise in need of company.
Go up to said person(s) and greet them in a manner you deem appropriate. If it works; you just correctly judged someone’s state, you approached them in an acceptable manner, and you now get to converse with them (giving you practise on other social skills). If not; consider why not? Did you misread their state? Did you approach them in an unacceptable manner? What should you try differently next time?
*(and something I actually did, that seemed to help me personally: in fact I met my girlfriend due to this practise)
How did you manage to do this without garnering a reputation as that weird person who always starts conversations with random strangers, who you shouldn’t bother responding to because the only reason he’s talking to you is because you happened to be there when he was?
There are 2.6 million people in this city. I didn’t need to actively avoid becoming known, it would have been extremely difficult to become known.
Also: had I gained a reputation for talking to random strangers, why would that have been a bad thing? The person I approach knows I approach random strangers; they are one.
Being known as a person who tries to chat up random people may be a problem*. Being known as a person who tries to chat to random people isn’t. In fact, if anything, I’ve earned status for it.@
*You’re seen as having low standards, and therefore the fact you’re interested in someone no longer puts them in an exclusive group. Oh, and you may end up viewed as a slut.
@I have friends with low social skills, who find it too scary to approach people they don’t know. The fact I do so gives me a certain amount of esteem in their eyes.
You’re seen as having low standards, and therefore the fact you’re interested in someone no longer puts them in an exclusive group.
Why would this apply to romantic forays but not other types of social overture? It seems like it(becoming known as a person who tries to chat up random people) would happen no matter what you actually talked about.
Why would this apply to romantic forays but not other types of social overture?
The fact that chatting to random people merely means you’re willing to let anyone be one of your acquaintances
In general, being someone’s acquaintance cannot be considered an exclusive group to begin with, so there was no exclusivity to be lost.
It seems like it(becoming known as a person who tries to chat up random people) would happen no matter what you actually talked about.
If you only rarely* make a sexual or romantic pass it is unlikely that people would view you in such a way. Especially if you approach people who are not of your preferred gender, etc..
*[when you find someone who is actually particularly attractive to you, after you’ve gotten to know them a bit]
There are “empathy challenges” all around you. Whenever you observe or interact with someone, really try to understand why they behaved the way they did—feel it on a gut level. Feeling confident about your conclusions is key. Keeping a checklist similar to the one in the post is helpful to keep in mind when confronted with these challenges.
However, without actually interacting with people, entering relationships or reading about social dynamics, your models of people won’t be entangled with reality. My advice is more about how to be an active learner given you are doing these things.
There are also physical challenges all around you, but going to the gym is still a better idea. I find it easier to get better at something if I can practice every little sub-skill repeatedly in a short period of time with immediate feedback. I realize your advice doesn’t fit that mold, but I’d still like to find some advice that does :-)
May I suggest learning microexpressions? There’s an app for the android I use and after a few dozen trials, I can noticeably read emotions better. By increasing the accuracy and timeliness of the emotional feedback you get, you can learn from real-life situations much better.
Many parts of nursing school are a giant exercise in building empathy :) Also, volunteering at social events can be really good. I found volunteering at church events helpful, but you may not want to do that.
I suppose you could do the equivalent of “getting a tutor” if you have a friend who is much more empathetic than you are, and willing to teach you. Actually, it would be useful to have a structured system for that kind of thing...
I’d really like to know some basic, repeatable exercises that build empathy and social skills. Changing your everyday behavior to incorporate little bits of training here and there is not very effective. It’s like wanting to get fit and deciding to walk a little faster whenever you need to get somewhere, instead of joining the gym. Or wanting to be a musician and deciding to hum along to songs more often, instead of getting a tutor.
Great points in this article. I noticed in high school that I had difficulties in this area, but rather than approach it with this conceptual pwno has, I sought out training regimens more like what you describe.
I can’t say that they’ve been super effective. I still come across as a bit “off” a lot of the time, but they’ve certainly helped. YMMV, of course.
If you’re single (or, at least, not locked down), join a dating website (or a few). Don’t try to find the love of your life. Just try to go on as many first dates as you can. Try to learn as much as you can about the other person, and practice empathy techniques. This is good because people tend to have very little tolerance for odd behavior, and will be experiencing a lot of odd uncertainty, curiosity, excitement, etc., themselves. Make it your goal to learn about them, and build a model of this new person.
Take a foreign language. This is good because it’s regular, safe, and you’ll have to interact and converse with a bunch of people. Since you’re all struggling, people tend to let their guard down, and the conversation topics are usually pretty basic (what’s your name, where do you live, how many pets do you have, blah blah blah) so it’s not distracting. I’m studying ASL now. Sign language is particularly good because facial/body language is such a huge part of the language, so it can build a lot of control and awareness.
Take a dance or martial arts class. Empathy is a very physical activity, and it can be incredibly instructive to learn how to trust your instincts and respond to another person’s body in real time. While, of course, it happens in the brain, it’s not the sort of problem that (in my experience) I can “think my way out of”.
Tell the people closest to you that you’ve come to realize that this is something you need to work on, and that they seem pretty good at it, and ask them to a) call you out on it when you seem to act oddly, and b) to be patient and helpful if you ever ask them how they’re feeling at random times. Most people will be flattered and happy to help. Then actually use their help! Resist the urge to be defensive if they correct you on something, and repeatedly check your model of how you think they’re feeling if you’re unsure. (Make sure to tell them that it’s ok to tell you to stop, if it bugs them. You don’t want to push people away in your quest to be more empathic!)
When you’re speaking with people, try to figure out how they’re feeling, and state it as a tentative sentence. Throw in “And you’re happy about this” or “that makes you sad” or “you’re mad at me about something” in conversation, if it seems like that’s true. In therapy, this is called making “process comments”—comments that just state what’s happening, and don’t try to add explanation or judgement. They’ll correct you if you’re wrong, and give you more information if you’re right. It’s an incredibly powerful technique, and much more difficult than it sounds.
Keep a log. At the end of each day, write down how someone you know was feeling, and how it made you feel, and what physical sensations made you aware of these feelings. Especially: make a note of any time when someone’s behavior surprised you, or someone you know who is consistently surprising. This means that you’re not reading them properly.
Remind yourself frequently that no one is the villain of their own story. So, while they may in fact be a villain any number of reasons, thinking of them as such will not help you understand them.
A lot of overcoming a lack of empathy is simply a matter of overcoming a fear of interaction as such. If you wear a watch or carry a book with you everywhere you go, stop. Every time you’re at a bus stop (train station, etc.), ask someone what time it is, and make put-up comment. If you make them smile, you get a point. If you don’t, make a note of it in your journal and try to think of why that might have been. Did they seem annoyed? Startled? Tired? What messages were you sending that might have made them felt that way? How could you have misinterpreted their reaction?
I learned a lot from doing door-to-door sales once upon a time, but I would not recommend that. As helpful as it was for getting over my lack of empathy and social skills, it was a horrible experience overall.
Great suggestions. I like the suggestions of using dates and classes as behavior labs. I’d like to add one comment, though, on point number 5:
‘When you’re speaking with people, try to figure out how they’re feeling, and state it as a tentative sentence. Throw in “And you’re happy about this” or “that makes you sad” or “you’re mad at me about something” in conversation, if it seems like that’s true. In therapy, this is called making “process comments”—comments that just state what’s happening, and don’t try to add explanation or judgement. They’ll correct you if you’re wrong, and give you more information if you’re right. It’s an incredibly powerful technique, and much more difficult than it sounds.’
Personally, I’d be very careful with making statements about another person’s feelings in this format. If your read of their emotions is wrong, this can come across as forming snap judgements and being unwilling to listen to them about what they are actually feeling. Even more frightening, I’ve found that when other people state things about my own emotional state, I tend to become confused about what I actually am feeling, wondering if I actually did have an unconscious motive driven by the emotions they point to. I suspect this is more likely to be problematic when the person making the statement is perceived as higher status. On the other hand, if the status difference is reversed, the statement may sound presumptuous.
Instead, I’d suggest using language that shows ownership of your own perceptions “I get the sense that you’re upset about something...” or “You seem happy to me.” Or present the observation as a question “Are you angry about what happened?”
Your mileage may vary, of course.
I’ve had very mixed results with this technique. Some people respond to it very positively, others very negatively. The same is true of asking targeted questions (e.g., “Are you angry...?”) or open-ended questions (e.g. “How do you feel about that?”) or asserting my own observations (e.g., “You seem angry to me”).
Face to face, I can usually figure out with some tentative probing which approach works best before I commit to one. But the safest tactic I’ve come across, and the one I generally use on the Internet (where I cannot tell who is listening to me or how they might respond), is sticking to related statements about my own experience (e.g. “That would anger me”) and avoiding the second person pronoun altogether.
I can barely read people’s feelings at all on the Internet, or in any text-based medium really. So I tend to avoid discussing their feelings at all unless it’s in response to them bringing up feelings and describing it themselves.
I’m pretty good at reading body language and facial expressions it in real life (well, I can place people quite easily on a spectrum of ‘relaxed’ to ‘uncomfortable’, and it’s sometimes harder to tell what particular kind of uncomfortable they are feeling, i.e. sad vs frustrated vs angry). What I find works well is “summarizing” what they have said and then adding one comment at the end that is my interpretation or observation, if I have one. Most people I know respond well to this; I find that even if I’ve interpreted their feelings wrong, they are eager to go deeper into the conversation and correct me, rather than getting frustrated and walking off. Which is ultimately what I want: more conversation time, about more topics, so that I have more data for my ‘model.’
Yes, that’s why I mentioned that it’s much more difficult than it seems. There are two negative reactions I’ve encountered: The first is a “yeah, no $#!+, what are you, autistic or something?” The second is, “No, why would you even think that? Are you autistic or something?”
So, yeah… use with caution. It’s a technique that can be a little weird, but when you’re finding yourself completely without any clue what’s going on inside someone else, and you really need to know, just throwing out your best guess (or whatever you do know, even if it’s not the full story) almost always gets some reaction that will give you more information. I’ve learned that process comments must be made tentatively; half-question, half-validation.
Another thing I forgot to mention: Non-Violent Communication. Get this book and read it. http://amzn.com/dp/1892005034 It’s full of things that sound obvious. So read it again and again.
Most people, in most situations, have a strong desire to tell you how they feel, what they’re interested in, etc. Learning how to let them do this is very powerful. A lot of what passes for empathy is just a matter of not inadvertently shutting people down before they get a chance to tell you what they’re feeling.
I’ve realized over the years that I habitually made a ton of mistakes that NVC explicitly calls out. Noticing these mistakes is hard. Changing them is harder. It’s a worthwhile enterprise.
EDIT: A slight correction: “you’re angry” is not technically a “process comment” unless it’s bloody well obvious that the person is angry. “You’re speaking loudly” or “you just smashed the table” would be process comments (assuming that they are true.)
I recommend Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.
Looks useful, thanks for the tip!
I’d second that in particular.
I don’t have a handy exercise regimen, but I’ll toss in my two cents.
An exercise I often do in this space involves explicitly looking for symmetry: if I am judging someone for doing X, I look for and articulate ways in which I also do X; if I am feeling aggrieved because Y has happened to me, I look for and articulate ways in which Y has also happened to other people. I doubt it helps build empathy directly, but it helps me curtail some reflexes that seem incompatible with empathy.
Another involves building models of worlds in addition to people: if someone is behaving in a way that seems inconsistent with how the world actually is, I try to work out in some detail how the world would have to be for their behavior to make sense… or, rather, what the minimal changes would have to be. It seems like something that ought not make a difference, and yet it does: the way I approach someone who I model as operating in a fictional world where everyone is a dangerous threat, for example, is different (and much more compassionate) than the way I approach someone who I model as being frightened of everyone.
Taking a step back… I find it’s helpful to remember that every time someone seems to be doing or saying something unconscionably stupid, or thoughtless, or evil, or otherwise behaving in ways that I want to classify as other-than-me, that’s an opportunity to instead practice empathy and compassion. (I don’t mean to suggest here that one ought to practice empathy and compassion in such cases; I don’t think that’s a useful claim to make in this context.)
I think this is an excellent point. From most people’s own point of view, they never do anything stupid, thoughtless, or evil. Everything is justified as the best or only course of action that anyone they consider reasonable could take when put into the same circumstances. If you look at what they’re doing and judge it to be stupid, thoughtless, or evil, and you don’t understand how they could see it otherwise, then your model of them is incomplete. This method has almost always worked for me in terms of figuring out the missing bit of my model, and usually works for reducing frustration. (Sometimes my own emotional response is still “I know I’d do exactly the same thing in your place, but it’s still freaking annoying!”)
That’s okay, I’d be annoyed in your place too.
I agree with this point as well, and I think it bears emphasizing.
Awhile ago, I had a series of conversations with a friend who was having problems with people in her workplace. She would complain along the lines of, “I just can’t believe that X would just shuffle a problem over to my desk. It was X’s responsibility to solve the problem; X must be trying to get me in trouble with the boss.”
Or similar formulations.
It gradually became clear that her go-to modality was to think that if other people aggravated her, it was because they were doing it on purpose.
I pointed out to her that practically nobody in the world enjoys maliciousness, meanness, etc. and that, given the choice of ascribing a person’s actions to maliciousness, when it was just as plausible that the real motivation was thoughtlessness, misunderstanding, or ignorance, one should only opt for maliciousness if there’s a number of REALLY GOOD REASONS to think the person would behave that way.
Ultimately, we all want to get along with those around us. Usually, when we don’t, it’s misunderstanding to blame.
Well, sometimes people really are out to get you. My brother’s immediately senior co-worker at Goldman Sachs once admitted to deliberately trying to sabotage his work. The co-worker was indeed behaving quite game-theoretic-rationally, though; the way Goldman Sachs works, it was likely that exactly one of them would soon lose their job.
Yes.
I also find it can help with communication. That is, when I decide I want to talk to someone about the annoying behavior (which I don’t always, of course) the opening tack of “I notice you doing X, which is something that I do more often than I’d like and really irritates me when I do it, so I’m kind of sensitized to it” is often both entirely true and a useful way of shortcircuiting the usual adversarial dance that starts that sort of conversation.
I like to watch movies and decide who is the smartest person, who is the most compassionate person, and who is the meanest person. And then ask myself: Why? Some mean behavior is actually an irrational self-protective response, for example.
The problem is the repeatability. Social skills, by their very nature, require interaction with people. And people are unpredictable; at least, until you have good enough social skills :p.
The closest I can come to an exercise regime suggestion* is to go into bars, coffee shops, or other gathering places; and look around for a person (or people) who seems bored, lonely, or otherwise in need of company.
Go up to said person(s) and greet them in a manner you deem appropriate. If it works; you just correctly judged someone’s state, you approached them in an acceptable manner, and you now get to converse with them (giving you practise on other social skills). If not; consider why not? Did you misread their state? Did you approach them in an unacceptable manner? What should you try differently next time?
*(and something I actually did, that seemed to help me personally: in fact I met my girlfriend due to this practise)
How did you manage to do this without garnering a reputation as that weird person who always starts conversations with random strangers, who you shouldn’t bother responding to because the only reason he’s talking to you is because you happened to be there when he was?
I live in Manchester, England.
There are 2.6 million people in this city. I didn’t need to actively avoid becoming known, it would have been extremely difficult to become known.
Also: had I gained a reputation for talking to random strangers, why would that have been a bad thing? The person I approach knows I approach random strangers; they are one.
Being known as a person who tries to chat up random people may be a problem*. Being known as a person who tries to chat to random people isn’t. In fact, if anything, I’ve earned status for it.@
*You’re seen as having low standards, and therefore the fact you’re interested in someone no longer puts them in an exclusive group. Oh, and you may end up viewed as a slut.
@I have friends with low social skills, who find it too scary to approach people they don’t know. The fact I do so gives me a certain amount of esteem in their eyes.
Why would this apply to romantic forays but not other types of social overture? It seems like it(becoming known as a person who tries to chat up random people) would happen no matter what you actually talked about.
The fact that chatting to random people merely means you’re willing to let anyone be one of your acquaintances
In general, being someone’s acquaintance cannot be considered an exclusive group to begin with, so there was no exclusivity to be lost.
If you only rarely* make a sexual or romantic pass it is unlikely that people would view you in such a way. Especially if you approach people who are not of your preferred gender, etc..
*[when you find someone who is actually particularly attractive to you, after you’ve gotten to know them a bit]
There are “empathy challenges” all around you. Whenever you observe or interact with someone, really try to understand why they behaved the way they did—feel it on a gut level. Feeling confident about your conclusions is key. Keeping a checklist similar to the one in the post is helpful to keep in mind when confronted with these challenges.
However, without actually interacting with people, entering relationships or reading about social dynamics, your models of people won’t be entangled with reality. My advice is more about how to be an active learner given you are doing these things.
There are also physical challenges all around you, but going to the gym is still a better idea. I find it easier to get better at something if I can practice every little sub-skill repeatedly in a short period of time with immediate feedback. I realize your advice doesn’t fit that mold, but I’d still like to find some advice that does :-)
May I suggest learning microexpressions? There’s an app for the android I use and after a few dozen trials, I can noticeably read emotions better. By increasing the accuracy and timeliness of the emotional feedback you get, you can learn from real-life situations much better.
Do you have a link for that app?
Here it is.
Method acting perhaps?
Running around the block is a good start :)
I might write a follow-up post with the kind of advice you’re looking for.
Many parts of nursing school are a giant exercise in building empathy :) Also, volunteering at social events can be really good. I found volunteering at church events helpful, but you may not want to do that.
I suppose you could do the equivalent of “getting a tutor” if you have a friend who is much more empathetic than you are, and willing to teach you. Actually, it would be useful to have a structured system for that kind of thing...
I found it helpful to listen to speeches at retirement parties for what the person leaving was good at, and trying to emulate that virtue.