I’ve had very mixed results with this technique. Some people respond to it very positively, others very negatively. The same is true of asking targeted questions (e.g., “Are you angry...?”) or open-ended questions (e.g. “How do you feel about that?”) or asserting my own observations (e.g., “You seem angry to me”).
Face to face, I can usually figure out with some tentative probing which approach works best before I commit to one. But the safest tactic I’ve come across, and the one I generally use on the Internet (where I cannot tell who is listening to me or how they might respond), is sticking to related statements about my own experience (e.g. “That would anger me”) and avoiding the second person pronoun altogether.
I can barely read people’s feelings at all on the Internet, or in any text-based medium really. So I tend to avoid discussing their feelings at all unless it’s in response to them bringing up feelings and describing it themselves.
I’m pretty good at reading body language and facial expressions it in real life (well, I can place people quite easily on a spectrum of ‘relaxed’ to ‘uncomfortable’, and it’s sometimes harder to tell what particular kind of uncomfortable they are feeling, i.e. sad vs frustrated vs angry). What I find works well is “summarizing” what they have said and then adding one comment at the end that is my interpretation or observation, if I have one. Most people I know respond well to this; I find that even if I’ve interpreted their feelings wrong, they are eager to go deeper into the conversation and correct me, rather than getting frustrated and walking off. Which is ultimately what I want: more conversation time, about more topics, so that I have more data for my ‘model.’
Yes, that’s why I mentioned that it’s much more difficult than it seems. There are two negative reactions I’ve encountered: The first is a “yeah, no $#!+, what are you, autistic or something?” The second is, “No, why would you even think that? Are you autistic or something?”
So, yeah… use with caution. It’s a technique that can be a little weird, but when you’re finding yourself completely without any clue what’s going on inside someone else, and you really need to know, just throwing out your best guess (or whatever you do know, even if it’s not the full story) almost always gets some reaction that will give you more information. I’ve learned that process comments must be made tentatively; half-question, half-validation.
Another thing I forgot to mention: Non-Violent Communication. Get this book and read it. http://amzn.com/dp/1892005034 It’s full of things that sound obvious. So read it again and again.
Most people, in most situations, have a strong desire to tell you how they feel, what they’re interested in, etc. Learning how to let them do this is very powerful. A lot of what passes for empathy is just a matter of not inadvertently shutting people down before they get a chance to tell you what they’re feeling.
I’ve realized over the years that I habitually made a ton of mistakes that NVC explicitly calls out. Noticing these mistakes is hard. Changing them is harder. It’s a worthwhile enterprise.
EDIT: A slight correction: “you’re angry” is not technically a “process comment” unless it’s bloody well obvious that the person is angry. “You’re speaking loudly” or “you just smashed the table” would be process comments (assuming that they are true.)
I’ve had very mixed results with this technique. Some people respond to it very positively, others very negatively. The same is true of asking targeted questions (e.g., “Are you angry...?”) or open-ended questions (e.g. “How do you feel about that?”) or asserting my own observations (e.g., “You seem angry to me”).
Face to face, I can usually figure out with some tentative probing which approach works best before I commit to one. But the safest tactic I’ve come across, and the one I generally use on the Internet (where I cannot tell who is listening to me or how they might respond), is sticking to related statements about my own experience (e.g. “That would anger me”) and avoiding the second person pronoun altogether.
I can barely read people’s feelings at all on the Internet, or in any text-based medium really. So I tend to avoid discussing their feelings at all unless it’s in response to them bringing up feelings and describing it themselves.
I’m pretty good at reading body language and facial expressions it in real life (well, I can place people quite easily on a spectrum of ‘relaxed’ to ‘uncomfortable’, and it’s sometimes harder to tell what particular kind of uncomfortable they are feeling, i.e. sad vs frustrated vs angry). What I find works well is “summarizing” what they have said and then adding one comment at the end that is my interpretation or observation, if I have one. Most people I know respond well to this; I find that even if I’ve interpreted their feelings wrong, they are eager to go deeper into the conversation and correct me, rather than getting frustrated and walking off. Which is ultimately what I want: more conversation time, about more topics, so that I have more data for my ‘model.’
Yes, that’s why I mentioned that it’s much more difficult than it seems. There are two negative reactions I’ve encountered: The first is a “yeah, no $#!+, what are you, autistic or something?” The second is, “No, why would you even think that? Are you autistic or something?”
So, yeah… use with caution. It’s a technique that can be a little weird, but when you’re finding yourself completely without any clue what’s going on inside someone else, and you really need to know, just throwing out your best guess (or whatever you do know, even if it’s not the full story) almost always gets some reaction that will give you more information. I’ve learned that process comments must be made tentatively; half-question, half-validation.
Another thing I forgot to mention: Non-Violent Communication. Get this book and read it. http://amzn.com/dp/1892005034 It’s full of things that sound obvious. So read it again and again.
Most people, in most situations, have a strong desire to tell you how they feel, what they’re interested in, etc. Learning how to let them do this is very powerful. A lot of what passes for empathy is just a matter of not inadvertently shutting people down before they get a chance to tell you what they’re feeling.
I’ve realized over the years that I habitually made a ton of mistakes that NVC explicitly calls out. Noticing these mistakes is hard. Changing them is harder. It’s a worthwhile enterprise.
EDIT: A slight correction: “you’re angry” is not technically a “process comment” unless it’s bloody well obvious that the person is angry. “You’re speaking loudly” or “you just smashed the table” would be process comments (assuming that they are true.)
I recommend Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.
Looks useful, thanks for the tip!