I agree, I just wasn’t sure how to word it to make clear that the same reasoning applies if a significant fraction of the members of one gender think you’re creepy then, even if they are outnumbered by the other gender, that’s still a significant fraction.
One of the prime tools used by the kind of arsehole who infiltrates groups in order to rape is to isolate individuals, and behave differently towards them. If any individual person thinks your behaviour towards them is creepy, it is your responsibility to change your behaviour towards that person, even if everyone else disagrees with them.
I can understand this on a sort of “don’t be a dick” set of rules where if something you do makes someone uncomfortable you should prefer not to do it, a rule of this kind is not just open to abuse but oppressive in and of itself.
Most moral guidelines have a bajillion exceptions. All rules are ultimately something of a “don’t be a dick” rule.
It occurs to me that perhaps, as LW-ers we tend to like nice, codified rules you could program into an AI, so our tendency is to read rules as “execute this behavior consistently” rather than “this is the generally correct heuristic, but use your judgement as appropriate.”
Falling back on vagueness misses the entire point of the rules, which is simultaneously to provide a guideline for well-meaning but oblivious people and to allow your group to expel people for clearcut reasons. If you are worried about being creepy and bad at reading social signals, the rules do you the favor of allowing you to be good nonetheless, whereas a vague exception-filled guideline is almost useless as telling someone to not be creepy. If you are a bad person, the rules mean you can’t defend yourself by saying you’re well-meaning or whatever, because if you touch people without permission a bunch, we can point to the rules and say “Go away”.
First: I’m actually in the process of figuring out my own take on this, so my opinion may be subject to change over the course of this thread (and a few other threads elsewhere in the internet that happened to come up at the same time).
There’s two sets of rules getting talked about here—one is the rules for the group, the other is the rules for an individual.
Because of things like bystander effect, status-quo bias, etc, it’s important for groups to have some clear cut lines which, if crossed, result in expulsion (or at least a solid warning with a clear threat of expulsion).
I think AndrewHickey was not referring to codified group rules at the time, but to your own personal rules you should be following, regardless. The group shouldn’t automatically expel every member who’s doing something that one person finds arbitrarily creepy. But if you find that someone is creeped out by a behavior of yours, you should still take it upon yourself to alter that behavior, at least around that person, for no reason other than that it bothers them. You should also use common sense in the corner case that some person is arbitrarily deciding “I find X creepy” in a deliberate effort to screw with you.
It’s also your responsibility to treat that question seriously and not look for reasons like “this person is arbitrarily declaring me creepy” as an excuse to not have to change your behavior.
Exactly. I was talking about the ‘rule’ “If a significant fraction of a group find your behaviour creepy, the responsibility to change the behaviour is yours.”
That’s a rule for an individual’s behaviour. And as written it’s a stupid rule that invites abuse—the stereotypical ‘nice guy’ can just say “well, no-one else complained” and still carry on behaving that way and thinking of himself as behaving properly.
Given we’re establishing guidelines that people will choose to follow in order not to be jerks, “don’t rape people” is a perfectly good rule. You said yourself that for group-enforced guidelines, the group has to judge (and thus reject “Alice speaks in a creepy monotone, I am creeped out, she must stop”-type complaints); it’s hard to see how to do that if every one else disagrees.
I agree, I just wasn’t sure how to word it to make clear that the same reasoning applies if a significant fraction of the members of one gender think you’re creepy then, even if they are outnumbered by the other gender, that’s still a significant fraction.
No.
Not ‘a significant fraction’.
One of the prime tools used by the kind of arsehole who infiltrates groups in order to rape is to isolate individuals, and behave differently towards them. If any individual person thinks your behaviour towards them is creepy, it is your responsibility to change your behaviour towards that person, even if everyone else disagrees with them.
I can understand this on a sort of “don’t be a dick” set of rules where if something you do makes someone uncomfortable you should prefer not to do it, a rule of this kind is not just open to abuse but oppressive in and of itself.
Most moral guidelines have a bajillion exceptions. All rules are ultimately something of a “don’t be a dick” rule.
It occurs to me that perhaps, as LW-ers we tend to like nice, codified rules you could program into an AI, so our tendency is to read rules as “execute this behavior consistently” rather than “this is the generally correct heuristic, but use your judgement as appropriate.”
Falling back on vagueness misses the entire point of the rules, which is simultaneously to provide a guideline for well-meaning but oblivious people and to allow your group to expel people for clearcut reasons. If you are worried about being creepy and bad at reading social signals, the rules do you the favor of allowing you to be good nonetheless, whereas a vague exception-filled guideline is almost useless as telling someone to not be creepy. If you are a bad person, the rules mean you can’t defend yourself by saying you’re well-meaning or whatever, because if you touch people without permission a bunch, we can point to the rules and say “Go away”.
First: I’m actually in the process of figuring out my own take on this, so my opinion may be subject to change over the course of this thread (and a few other threads elsewhere in the internet that happened to come up at the same time).
There’s two sets of rules getting talked about here—one is the rules for the group, the other is the rules for an individual.
Because of things like bystander effect, status-quo bias, etc, it’s important for groups to have some clear cut lines which, if crossed, result in expulsion (or at least a solid warning with a clear threat of expulsion).
I think AndrewHickey was not referring to codified group rules at the time, but to your own personal rules you should be following, regardless. The group shouldn’t automatically expel every member who’s doing something that one person finds arbitrarily creepy. But if you find that someone is creeped out by a behavior of yours, you should still take it upon yourself to alter that behavior, at least around that person, for no reason other than that it bothers them. You should also use common sense in the corner case that some person is arbitrarily deciding “I find X creepy” in a deliberate effort to screw with you.
It’s also your responsibility to treat that question seriously and not look for reasons like “this person is arbitrarily declaring me creepy” as an excuse to not have to change your behavior.
I agree that the distinction between group rules and personal rules is very important, and should be more explicit in this sort f conversation
Exactly. I was talking about the ‘rule’ “If a significant fraction of a group find your behaviour creepy, the responsibility to change the behaviour is yours.”
That’s a rule for an individual’s behaviour. And as written it’s a stupid rule that invites abuse—the stereotypical ‘nice guy’ can just say “well, no-one else complained” and still carry on behaving that way and thinking of himself as behaving properly.
Taking responsibility for one’s own actions is not oppressive.
I find your point of view creepy, and want you to stop talking about it. Take responsibility for your actions, and stop creeping me out.
Given we’re establishing guidelines that people will choose to follow in order not to be jerks, “don’t rape people” is a perfectly good rule. You said yourself that for group-enforced guidelines, the group has to judge (and thus reject “Alice speaks in a creepy monotone, I am creeped out, she must stop”-type complaints); it’s hard to see how to do that if every one else disagrees.