is a matter of cost/benefit Except maybe for the laws of nature anything can be changed, the question is whether the effort of doing so provides less disutility than the benefit provides utility. That’s a question only trained introspection can answer.
It’s not that you ask, it’s how you ask in the second example that makes it bad. The first thing you should do is accept the full responsibility for your own life. If you do this you can always ask for anything in a polite way as long as you clearly treat others as equals and don’t imply that you would be entitled to anything except that which has been mutually agreed upon.
Always be sure about your midterm and longterm plans, then get as much short term fun/comfort/benefits as possible without endangering them and leave as much error margin as you need to feel good about it. If you keep checking your progress with your midterm/longterm plans you should become well calibrated with this assessment.
That’s a question only trained introspection can answer.
Okay, but I’m looking for the sorts of questions one might need to ask oneself in the course of that introspection.
it’s how you ask in the second example that makes it bad
I disagree. I think the request is unreasonable. Yes, you can ask it politely, and thus cause no ill feeling, but it’s still a request that would not plausibly be granted unless the asker has great power or status over the askee, which was not intended to be the case in the example. This makes the request presumptuous: I wouldn’t make an implausible request, so to ask is to behave as if I had so much power over you as to expect you to drop your actual work to satisfy my laziness (and hunger).
The set of requests I would rather not make, then, are those which overstep my bounds or my rights within the relationship I have with the person I’m asking. Perhaps the next place to look would be what I consider those bounds to be.
Always be sure about your midterm and longterm plans
Easier said, but nevertheless valid, as is the rest of your point about this one.
Okay, but I’m looking for the sorts of questions one might need to ask oneself in the course of that introspection.
I think two questions are important:
What is the actual cause of my emotions? (I.e. expected loss of status, or just feeling cranky all day, etc.)
What part of my emotions is actually warranted? (I.e. am I over- or underconfident, overly stressed / too calm, etc.)
I disagree. I think the request is unreasonable. Yes, you can ask it politely, and thus cause no ill feeling, but it’s still a request that would not plausibly be granted unless the asker has great power or status over the askee, which was not intended to be the case in the example. This makes the request presumptuous: I wouldn’t make an implausible request, so to ask is to behave as if I had so much power over you as to expect you to drop your actual work to satisfy my laziness (and hunger).
That’s what I meant with treating others as equals and taking responsibility for your own wellbeing. It’s not easy to conceive of an example where you could do that and still ask for a sandwich but I think it’s possible.
Always be sure about your midterm and longterm plans
Easier said, but nevertheless valid, as is the rest of your point about this one.
There too, training is key. Set aside a time every evening or every week where you review your goals. Like brushing your teeth, it should eventually become second nature.
That’s what I meant with treating others as equals and taking responsibility for your own wellbeing.
I think that part of taking responsibility for one’s own well-being is knowing when to ask for help with it, and that doing so is not necessarily unreasonable. For example, “I’m really sad right now, will you lend me a shoulder for a while?” seems like it would usually be a reasonable request—but if it’s asked of someone whom you know doesn’t have the time, or who has even weightier problems of their own, or who will be very distressed by hearing about the nature of your problems, it might become unreasonable.
it’s still a request that would not plausibly be granted unless the asker has great power or status over the askee,
Have you ever studied linguistic pragmatics? I would highly recommend you read up on Brown and Levinson’s concepts of politeness. They talk about there being three factors in interaction that determine your level of politeness: social distance, power difference, and weight of request. In the sandwich example you come across as rude because, as you say, you’re acting as though the other person is lower power than you. If they were your close friend you could maybe get away with that sort of behaviour, especially since you’re not asking for much, but it’s still pretty chancy. Better to add some extra politeness and grovel rather than ask for that sort of thing.
(of course, if you were sufficiently more powerful, you could get away with ordering a sandwich, and you would still probably be rude, only justifiably so ;)
is a matter of cost/benefit Except maybe for the laws of nature anything can be changed, the question is whether the effort of doing so provides less disutility than the benefit provides utility. That’s a question only trained introspection can answer.
It’s not that you ask, it’s how you ask in the second example that makes it bad. The first thing you should do is accept the full responsibility for your own life. If you do this you can always ask for anything in a polite way as long as you clearly treat others as equals and don’t imply that you would be entitled to anything except that which has been mutually agreed upon.
Always be sure about your midterm and longterm plans, then get as much short term fun/comfort/benefits as possible without endangering them and leave as much error margin as you need to feel good about it. If you keep checking your progress with your midterm/longterm plans you should become well calibrated with this assessment.
Okay, but I’m looking for the sorts of questions one might need to ask oneself in the course of that introspection.
I disagree. I think the request is unreasonable. Yes, you can ask it politely, and thus cause no ill feeling, but it’s still a request that would not plausibly be granted unless the asker has great power or status over the askee, which was not intended to be the case in the example. This makes the request presumptuous: I wouldn’t make an implausible request, so to ask is to behave as if I had so much power over you as to expect you to drop your actual work to satisfy my laziness (and hunger).
The set of requests I would rather not make, then, are those which overstep my bounds or my rights within the relationship I have with the person I’m asking. Perhaps the next place to look would be what I consider those bounds to be.
Easier said, but nevertheless valid, as is the rest of your point about this one.
I think two questions are important:
What is the actual cause of my emotions? (I.e. expected loss of status, or just feeling cranky all day, etc.)
What part of my emotions is actually warranted? (I.e. am I over- or underconfident, overly stressed / too calm, etc.)
That’s what I meant with treating others as equals and taking responsibility for your own wellbeing. It’s not easy to conceive of an example where you could do that and still ask for a sandwich but I think it’s possible.
There too, training is key. Set aside a time every evening or every week where you review your goals. Like brushing your teeth, it should eventually become second nature.
I think that part of taking responsibility for one’s own well-being is knowing when to ask for help with it, and that doing so is not necessarily unreasonable. For example, “I’m really sad right now, will you lend me a shoulder for a while?” seems like it would usually be a reasonable request—but if it’s asked of someone whom you know doesn’t have the time, or who has even weightier problems of their own, or who will be very distressed by hearing about the nature of your problems, it might become unreasonable.
Have you ever studied linguistic pragmatics? I would highly recommend you read up on Brown and Levinson’s concepts of politeness. They talk about there being three factors in interaction that determine your level of politeness: social distance, power difference, and weight of request. In the sandwich example you come across as rude because, as you say, you’re acting as though the other person is lower power than you. If they were your close friend you could maybe get away with that sort of behaviour, especially since you’re not asking for much, but it’s still pretty chancy. Better to add some extra politeness and grovel rather than ask for that sort of thing.
(of course, if you were sufficiently more powerful, you could get away with ordering a sandwich, and you would still probably be rude, only justifiably so ;)
Ooh, interesting. Thanks, I’ll look into that.
I suspect that, in the edge cases, the problem is that I don’t know where I stand well enough in this regard.