This seems to assume that social graces represent cooperative social strategies, rather than adversarial social strategies. I don’t think this is always the case.
Consider a couple discussing where to go to dinner. Both keep saying ‘oh, I’m fine to go anywhere, where do you want to go?’ This definitely sounds very polite! Much more socially-graceful than ‘I want to go to this place! We leave at 6!’
Yet I’d assert that most of the time these people are playing social games adversarially against one another.
If you name a place and I agree to go there (especially if I do so in just the right tone of pseudo-suppressed reluctance), it feels like you owe me one.
If you name a place and then something goes wrong—the food is bad, the service is slow, there is a long wait—it feels like I can blame you for that.
What looks like politeness is better thought of as these people fighting one another in deniable and destructive ways for social standing. Opting out of that seems like a good thing: if the Invention Of Lying people say ‘I would like to go to this place, but not enough to pay large social costs to do so,’ that seems more honest and more cooperative.
I believe the common case of mutual “where do you want to go?” is motivated by not wanting to feel like you’re imposing, not some kind of adversarial game.
What convinced you that adversarial games between friends are more likely a priori? In my experience the vast majority of interactions between friends are cooperative, attempts at mutual benefit, etc. If a friend needs help, you do not say “how can I extract the most value from this”, you say “let me help”*. Which I guess is what convinced me. And is also why I wrote “Maybe I’m bubbled though?” Is it really the case for you that you look upon people you think of as friends and say “ah, observe all the adversarial games”?
*Sure, over time, maybe you notice that you’re helping more than being helped, and you can evaluate your friendship and decide what you value and set boundaries and things, but the thing going through your head at the time is not “am I gaining more social capital from this than the amount of whatever I lose from helping as opposed to what, otherwise, I would most want to do”. Well, my head.
Is it really the case for you that you look upon people you think of as friends and say “ah, observe all the adversarial games”?
Indeed not. Among my friends, the “mutual ‘where do you want to go?’ scenario” doesn’t happen in the first place. If it did, it would of course be an adversarial game; but it does not, for precisely the reason that adversarial games among friends are rare.
Adversarial gaming doesn’t match my experience much at all and suggesting options doesn’t feel imposing either. For me at least, it’s largely about the responsibility and mental exertion of planning.
In my experience, mutual “where do you want to go” is most often when neither party has a strong preference and neither feels like taking on the cognitive burden of weighing options to come to a decision. Making decisions takes effort especially when there isn’t a clearly articulated set of options and tradeoffs to consider.
For practical purposes, one person should provide 2-4 options they’re OK with and the other person can pick one option or veto some option(s). If they veto all given options, they must provide their own set of options the first person can choose or veto. Repeat as needed but rarely is more than one round needed unless participants are picky or disagreeable.
This seems to assume that social graces represent cooperative social strategies, rather than adversarial social strategies. I don’t think this is always the case.
Consider a couple discussing where to go to dinner. Both keep saying ‘oh, I’m fine to go anywhere, where do you want to go?’ This definitely sounds very polite! Much more socially-graceful than ‘I want to go to this place! We leave at 6!’
Yet I’d assert that most of the time these people are playing social games adversarially against one another.
If you name a place and I agree to go there (especially if I do so in just the right tone of pseudo-suppressed reluctance), it feels like you owe me one.
If you name a place and then something goes wrong—the food is bad, the service is slow, there is a long wait—it feels like I can blame you for that.
What looks like politeness is better thought of as these people fighting one another in deniable and destructive ways for social standing. Opting out of that seems like a good thing: if the Invention Of Lying people say ‘I would like to go to this place, but not enough to pay large social costs to do so,’ that seems more honest and more cooperative.
I believe the common case of mutual “where do you want to go?” is motivated by not wanting to feel like you’re imposing, not some kind of adversarial game.
Maybe I’m bubbled though?
That is an adversarial game—the game of avoiding having to expend cognitive effort and/or “social currency”.
No, that is a cooperative game that both participants are playing poorly.
This seems substantially less likely a priori. What convinced you of this?
What convinced you that adversarial games between friends are more likely a priori? In my experience the vast majority of interactions between friends are cooperative, attempts at mutual benefit, etc. If a friend needs help, you do not say “how can I extract the most value from this”, you say “let me help”*. Which I guess is what convinced me. And is also why I wrote “Maybe I’m bubbled though?” Is it really the case for you that you look upon people you think of as friends and say “ah, observe all the adversarial games”?
*Sure, over time, maybe you notice that you’re helping more than being helped, and you can evaluate your friendship and decide what you value and set boundaries and things, but the thing going through your head at the time is not “am I gaining more social capital from this than the amount of whatever I lose from helping as opposed to what, otherwise, I would most want to do”. Well, my head.
Indeed not. Among my friends, the “mutual ‘where do you want to go?’ scenario” doesn’t happen in the first place. If it did, it would of course be an adversarial game; but it does not, for precisely the reason that adversarial games among friends are rare.
Adversarial gaming doesn’t match my experience much at all and suggesting options doesn’t feel imposing either. For me at least, it’s largely about the responsibility and mental exertion of planning.
In my experience, mutual “where do you want to go” is most often when neither party has a strong preference and neither feels like taking on the cognitive burden of weighing options to come to a decision. Making decisions takes effort especially when there isn’t a clearly articulated set of options and tradeoffs to consider.
For practical purposes, one person should provide 2-4 options they’re OK with and the other person can pick one option or veto some option(s). If they veto all given options, they must provide their own set of options the first person can choose or veto. Repeat as needed but rarely is more than one round needed unless participants are picky or disagreeable.