When I was young and doing tech support for a company I had someone come in to ask for a quick fix for a laptop his boss used. It was not going to be a big investigation to troubleshoot the problem or much effort to actually fix the problem so I was happy to take care of it without waiting for a trouble ticket or telling him to wait his turn.
In response the guy gave me $20. I told him it was not necessary (we actually knew each other and we on good terms). He insisted and ultimately I accepted it. I never felt good about it and was a bit hurt that he though I needed to be bought (not sure if that was his mindset but that was how I was feeling) just to do a simple favor.
So for me there definitely are situations where the offer of money as a thank you are unwelcome and uncomfortable.
It all depends on the frame, and people are bad at explicitly navigating the game theory of various kinds of reciprocity. Imagine he had said something like the following:
“You saved me much more time and money, and I feel gratitude for that. I enjoy the thought of you having a nice lunch on me both as an expression of the gratitude and a kind of upvote for more such things happening in the future, since many mutually beneficially exchanges don’t happen due to relatively small amounts of social friction.”
I would have been happier with “I own you one. Let me know if you need a favor sometime.” Or even, “That was a big help, let’s grab lunch some time. On me.”
I think the monetization of social relationship where money is a poor substitute for what it is replacing—the exchange of personal considerations via personal actions. This isn’t to say I don’t value money either directly myself or as a very beneficial social institution. I just don’t see it as a universally applicable tool.
I am a fan of the whole “pay it forward” mentality when it comes to small(ish) social consideration or others. I see that very much in a networks effect type situation where even if I don’t receive the favor from the person I gave on to, if they passed that on (and especially if they adopt a similar attitude towards other) then I will like be paid back several fold in the future. I don’t see money working quite the same way in these situations. I think it become too much of an “at distance” exchange that ends up potentially separating us, or at least not serving to really bring anyone together. I see the like-for-like exchange of favors working in that direction.
When I was young and doing tech support for a company I had someone come in to ask for a quick fix for a laptop his boss used. It was not going to be a big investigation to troubleshoot the problem or much effort to actually fix the problem so I was happy to take care of it without waiting for a trouble ticket or telling him to wait his turn.
In response the guy gave me $20. I told him it was not necessary (we actually knew each other and we on good terms). He insisted and ultimately I accepted it. I never felt good about it and was a bit hurt that he though I needed to be bought (not sure if that was his mindset but that was how I was feeling) just to do a simple favor.
So for me there definitely are situations where the offer of money as a thank you are unwelcome and uncomfortable.
It all depends on the frame, and people are bad at explicitly navigating the game theory of various kinds of reciprocity. Imagine he had said something like the following: “You saved me much more time and money, and I feel gratitude for that. I enjoy the thought of you having a nice lunch on me both as an expression of the gratitude and a kind of upvote for more such things happening in the future, since many mutually beneficially exchanges don’t happen due to relatively small amounts of social friction.”
I would have been happier with “I own you one. Let me know if you need a favor sometime.” Or even, “That was a big help, let’s grab lunch some time. On me.”
I think the monetization of social relationship where money is a poor substitute for what it is replacing—the exchange of personal considerations via personal actions. This isn’t to say I don’t value money either directly myself or as a very beneficial social institution. I just don’t see it as a universally applicable tool.
I am a fan of the whole “pay it forward” mentality when it comes to small(ish) social consideration or others. I see that very much in a networks effect type situation where even if I don’t receive the favor from the person I gave on to, if they passed that on (and especially if they adopt a similar attitude towards other) then I will like be paid back several fold in the future. I don’t see money working quite the same way in these situations. I think it become too much of an “at distance” exchange that ends up potentially separating us, or at least not serving to really bring anyone together. I see the like-for-like exchange of favors working in that direction.
yeah I think the crux is something like the feeling that the money closes out other dimensions rather than being in addition to other dimensions