Questions are great, but they have certain limitations:
If you are beginning a conversation with some who you don’t know well, they may not give you very extensive or useful answers to your questions.
You can only ask so many questions in a row before you are interviewing them. Worse, it looks low status.
For people who over-rely on questions, they often ask a question, get a short or one-word answer, and then ask another questions, getting the same type of answer. After about 3 or 4 of these, the conversation is dead in the water.
The solution is to limit the amount of questions you ask until the other person becomes invested in the conversation enough to give you real answers. The PUA Juggler advises asking less questions and making more statements. Making statements engages the other person, and unlike questions, don’t require the other person to reciprocate, avoiding the interviewing, chasing, or badgering dynamics that questions can cause. Making statements gives the other person information about the kind of person you are, which helps them decide if they want to open up to you. Of course, statements still need to be related someone to the current conversational context, or the other person will be wondering, “why are you telling me this?”
Here is an example of how you can get stuck in a rut with questions. This is a Standard College Conversation:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Pretty good… how was your weekend?
Student2: It was good.
Student1: Cool… where are you living nowadays?
Student2: Dorm Blah Blah Blah.
Student1: Nice, how is it there?
Student2: It’s good...
A surprising amount of conversations go like this. Student2 is necessarily trying to be unhelpful; he just isn’t yet invested in the conversation. After each of Student1′s questions fail to hook Student2 into the conversation, he asks another questions which gets a similar response.
A better approach is for Student1 to start making some statements. Making statements gives him a lot more opportunities to hook Student2. Here are some examples:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Great! You’ll never guess what happened to me today...
Now Student2 is engaged. Instead of firing back with another question, Student1 starts talking about what he was up to (if you ask a question and get a noncommittal answer, you can often answer your own question). In case, “you’ll never guess what happened to me today” is a bit too much of a gimmick, here is another way:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Great! I’ve been having a crazy day… [describes what happened]
In the original conversation, Student1 only had 4 possible hooks into a conversation: one for each question he asked. In this example, telling an anecdote about what happened during his will give him a lot more hooks that will inspire a response from Student2 to either ask questions back, or talk more about his own day.
Any of the questions that Student1 asks in the conversation could be turned into an opportunity to answer it himself, giving him the opportunity to tell a story about what is going on in his life:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Pretty good… how was your weekend?
Student2: Awesome, I went to this party / book club, and [describes what happened]...
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Pretty good… how was your weekend?
Student2: It was good.
Student1: Cool… where are you living nowadays?
Student2: Gamma Gamma Gamma.
Student1: Cool, I’m in Kappa Kappa Kappa. It’s a funny place… [starts talking about something that recently happened at his dorm]
Once someone gets invested in a conversation and engaged, then you can start asking questions and getting in-depth answers. Sometimes a question alone will engage them, but if it doesn’t, you can fall back on making statements (and answer your questions yourself) until the other person is sufficiently engaged.
Huh. That does a lot to explain what was so very awkward about that one conversation I had with that one acquaintance-of-an-acquaintance earlier this year: it was all him asking questions and me giving noncommittal responses while thinking, “who is this guy?”
...I wonder if I could have spun an answer to redirect a question to him. Would that have been a good strategy?
I can think of instances in which someone has started talking about an anecdote and the other person wasn’t really responsive at all. (And, yeah, more than anything it was I who were telling the anecdote.) I guess it requires social savvy to pick which anecdote to tell.
I don’t think engaging someone meaningfully (i.e. “hooking”) in a conversation is as easy as making more statements as opposed to asking questions.
Conversation is more of an art than an exact science - ’tis true…
Anybody wants to call me so they can hear my totally irrelevant anecdote?
I can think of instances in which someone has started talking about an anecdote and the other person wasn’t really responsive at all. (And, yeah, more than anything it was I who were telling the anecdote.) I guess it requires social savvy to pick which anecdote to tell.
Exactly.
I don’t think engaging someone meaningfully (i.e. “hooking”) in a conversation is as easy as making more statements as opposed to asking questions.
I agree. But you can make more statements in a short period of time than you can ask questions, so you have a higher chance of hitting something that engages the other person before they tire of the conversation.
For people who over-rely on questions, they often ask a question, get a short or one-word answer, and then ask another questions, getting the same type of answer.
If someone only gives me one-word answers, that means that they do not want to talk to me (but are too polite to tell me to get lost), and if I choose to disregard that, I don’t get to complain when I get labelled and treated as a creep.
If someone only gives me one-word answers, that means that they do not want to talk to me
It can also mean that they aren’t very good at making conversation, or even that they’re not sure if you’re just being polite, and aren’t interested in a longer answer. I often refrain from answering people’s questions in detail if I think they’re just asking to be polite.
So, substituting interesting statements for stock questions signals that you are actually interested in conversing, as well as giving the other person more possible points to take off from.
(Of course, if you make such statements and get one-word replies a few times, then of course this should be taken as a lack of interest in conversation at that time. But if you’re just asking stock questions, then people who don’t have “stock interesting answers” for those questions will have a harder time conversing with you… and may assume you’re just being polite, rather than actually interested in their opinions or experiences.)
It can also mean that they aren’t very good at making conversation
In which case, why would I want to make conversation with them? :-)
or even that they’re not sure if you’re just being polite, and aren’t interested in a longer answer. I often refrain from answering people’s questions in detail if I think they’re just asking to be polite.
Good point, though there’s a middle ground between answering with as few syllables as grammatically possible (what I usually do when I wish someone wasn’t talking to me in the first place, but I don’t want to be excessively impolite) and a long answer mentioning personal feelings and asking a question back.
Most of the people that I want to have conversations with have some topics that they can talk about enthusiastically at the drop of a hat, if only they could find someone interested. Today I was talking with someone who really likes chemistry, and I learned why it is that some molecules (like lipids) are hydrophobic and others (like ammonia) are hydrophilic. I didn’t expect to learn this, but I wanted to keep the conversation going, so I just asked, thinking that maybe it would become interesting. And it worked! That conversation kicked ass!
This works for all sorts of subjects. Does someone love gardening? Say something about soil drainage, and it’ll open the floodgates, starting what could be a fascinating conversation. The other person’s obscure interests make for great conversation topics because they usually don’t get to talk about it with anybody else.
The trick is finding those obscure interests. A lot of people seem embarrassed to be interested in weird stuff, and don’t advertise it. It’s socially okay to be interested in gossip and whether or not Lady Gaga has a penis (hint: no), but usually less okay to be interested in database denormalization and homoerotic Stargate SG-1 fanfiction. I’m hoping that the Internet will magically change this somehow, but until then, does anybody have hints for finding another person’s weird interests?
This is my thing—I always want to hear about any person’s area of passion or expertise. It’s usually much more interesting than small talk.
But I find it’s often quite easy to get people started. I like to ask people about their work. (Scientists and engineers often seem particularly willing to talk, but there’s certainly a range.) If someone mentions a hobby, I’ll ask for details. I’ve learned a lot about ballroom dancing, guns, and violin from letting people ramble. It all comes down to being open to hearing long stories. I think people can somehow detect a willing listener, and as a result people seem to love to come to me with their stories.
My most useful conversation strategy is the question. Being naturally curious helps, but it really is a universal tool, good for any topic.
Questions are great, but they have certain limitations:
If you are beginning a conversation with some who you don’t know well, they may not give you very extensive or useful answers to your questions.
You can only ask so many questions in a row before you are interviewing them. Worse, it looks low status.
For people who over-rely on questions, they often ask a question, get a short or one-word answer, and then ask another questions, getting the same type of answer. After about 3 or 4 of these, the conversation is dead in the water.
The solution is to limit the amount of questions you ask until the other person becomes invested in the conversation enough to give you real answers. The PUA Juggler advises asking less questions and making more statements. Making statements engages the other person, and unlike questions, don’t require the other person to reciprocate, avoiding the interviewing, chasing, or badgering dynamics that questions can cause. Making statements gives the other person information about the kind of person you are, which helps them decide if they want to open up to you. Of course, statements still need to be related someone to the current conversational context, or the other person will be wondering, “why are you telling me this?”
Here is an example of how you can get stuck in a rut with questions. This is a Standard College Conversation:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Pretty good… how was your weekend?
Student2: It was good.
Student1: Cool… where are you living nowadays?
Student2: Dorm Blah Blah Blah.
Student1: Nice, how is it there?
Student2: It’s good...
A surprising amount of conversations go like this. Student2 is necessarily trying to be unhelpful; he just isn’t yet invested in the conversation. After each of Student1′s questions fail to hook Student2 into the conversation, he asks another questions which gets a similar response.
A better approach is for Student1 to start making some statements. Making statements gives him a lot more opportunities to hook Student2. Here are some examples:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Great! You’ll never guess what happened to me today...
Now Student2 is engaged. Instead of firing back with another question, Student1 starts talking about what he was up to (if you ask a question and get a noncommittal answer, you can often answer your own question). In case, “you’ll never guess what happened to me today” is a bit too much of a gimmick, here is another way:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Great! I’ve been having a crazy day… [describes what happened]
In the original conversation, Student1 only had 4 possible hooks into a conversation: one for each question he asked. In this example, telling an anecdote about what happened during his will give him a lot more hooks that will inspire a response from Student2 to either ask questions back, or talk more about his own day.
Any of the questions that Student1 asks in the conversation could be turned into an opportunity to answer it himself, giving him the opportunity to tell a story about what is going on in his life:
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Pretty good… how was your weekend?
Student2: Awesome, I went to this party / book club, and [describes what happened]...
Student1: Hey, how’s it going?
Student2: Good… you?
Student1: Pretty good… how was your weekend?
Student2: It was good.
Student1: Cool… where are you living nowadays?
Student2: Gamma Gamma Gamma.
Student1: Cool, I’m in Kappa Kappa Kappa. It’s a funny place… [starts talking about something that recently happened at his dorm]
Once someone gets invested in a conversation and engaged, then you can start asking questions and getting in-depth answers. Sometimes a question alone will engage them, but if it doesn’t, you can fall back on making statements (and answer your questions yourself) until the other person is sufficiently engaged.
Huh. That does a lot to explain what was so very awkward about that one conversation I had with that one acquaintance-of-an-acquaintance earlier this year: it was all him asking questions and me giving noncommittal responses while thinking, “who is this guy?”
...I wonder if I could have spun an answer to redirect a question to him. Would that have been a good strategy?
I don’t know. I am hesitant.
I can think of instances in which someone has started talking about an anecdote and the other person wasn’t really responsive at all. (And, yeah, more than anything it was I who were telling the anecdote.) I guess it requires social savvy to pick which anecdote to tell.
I don’t think engaging someone meaningfully (i.e. “hooking”) in a conversation is as easy as making more statements as opposed to asking questions.
Conversation is more of an art than an exact science - ’tis true…
Anybody wants to call me so they can hear my totally irrelevant anecdote?
AnlamK
Exactly.
I agree. But you can make more statements in a short period of time than you can ask questions, so you have a higher chance of hitting something that engages the other person before they tire of the conversation.
Does that seem plausible/implausible?
Dammit, I wanted to hear the anecdote.
If someone only gives me one-word answers, that means that they do not want to talk to me (but are too polite to tell me to get lost), and if I choose to disregard that, I don’t get to complain when I get labelled and treated as a creep.
It can also mean that they aren’t very good at making conversation, or even that they’re not sure if you’re just being polite, and aren’t interested in a longer answer. I often refrain from answering people’s questions in detail if I think they’re just asking to be polite.
So, substituting interesting statements for stock questions signals that you are actually interested in conversing, as well as giving the other person more possible points to take off from.
(Of course, if you make such statements and get one-word replies a few times, then of course this should be taken as a lack of interest in conversation at that time. But if you’re just asking stock questions, then people who don’t have “stock interesting answers” for those questions will have a harder time conversing with you… and may assume you’re just being polite, rather than actually interested in their opinions or experiences.)
In which case, why would I want to make conversation with them? :-)
Good point, though there’s a middle ground between answering with as few syllables as grammatically possible (what I usually do when I wish someone wasn’t talking to me in the first place, but I don’t want to be excessively impolite) and a long answer mentioning personal feelings and asking a question back.
Most of the people that I want to have conversations with have some topics that they can talk about enthusiastically at the drop of a hat, if only they could find someone interested. Today I was talking with someone who really likes chemistry, and I learned why it is that some molecules (like lipids) are hydrophobic and others (like ammonia) are hydrophilic. I didn’t expect to learn this, but I wanted to keep the conversation going, so I just asked, thinking that maybe it would become interesting. And it worked! That conversation kicked ass!
This works for all sorts of subjects. Does someone love gardening? Say something about soil drainage, and it’ll open the floodgates, starting what could be a fascinating conversation. The other person’s obscure interests make for great conversation topics because they usually don’t get to talk about it with anybody else.
The trick is finding those obscure interests. A lot of people seem embarrassed to be interested in weird stuff, and don’t advertise it. It’s socially okay to be interested in gossip and whether or not Lady Gaga has a penis (hint: no), but usually less okay to be interested in database denormalization and homoerotic Stargate SG-1 fanfiction. I’m hoping that the Internet will magically change this somehow, but until then, does anybody have hints for finding another person’s weird interests?
This is my thing—I always want to hear about any person’s area of passion or expertise. It’s usually much more interesting than small talk.
But I find it’s often quite easy to get people started. I like to ask people about their work. (Scientists and engineers often seem particularly willing to talk, but there’s certainly a range.) If someone mentions a hobby, I’ll ask for details. I’ve learned a lot about ballroom dancing, guns, and violin from letting people ramble. It all comes down to being open to hearing long stories. I think people can somehow detect a willing listener, and as a result people seem to love to come to me with their stories.