In a more ideal case, I think that it’s not the individual’s responsibility to take care of unusually sensitive people, but the group as a whole.
well within what is allowed by the regulations or social norms.
Then the regulations or social norms are wrong for the real people they’re supposed to help and should take the variance of sensitivity into account. Though if that has already been done and someone complains even after the norms have been calculated with kindness, I’d say you are under no obligation to help.
On the flip side, if you’re the sensitive neighbor, don’t go asking the loud one directly (you have no power over them and they gain no benefit from helping), call your landlord and complain. At least you have the relation of customer to them and they have some degree of authority.
Yeah, I put the burden of responsibility on the group to have better norms. This works even if the sensitivity is to something you can’t control, and gets the benefits of the curb-cut effect (youtube).
(Of course, I am ignoring the difficulties of institutional reform and you can go ahead and still try to be nice, using ete’s process above, for example.)
On the flip side, if you’re the sensitive neighbor, don’t go asking the loud one directly (you have no power over them and they gain no benefit from helping), call your landlord and complain.
That’s bad advice. If you are a sensitive neighbor asking nicely doesn’t cost you much. On the other hand complaining to landlord before asking directly can often reduce willingness to help.
If a neighbor feels uneasy because of noise I create and the person comes to me, that creates in me a desire to stop making that person uncomfortable.
Going directly to the landlord without any communication with me on the other hand removes that desire and it becomes a question of power.
If I already conform to the rules of the house, it’s unlikely to make me change my behavior to be less noisy.
Escalating a conflict without attempting to solve it directly by talking to another person violates a social norm.
It decreases the chance that the person is willing to give you a favor even if you try to speak directly to them afterwards.
It also reduces the chances that the landlord is willing to help you when you didn’t do the reasonable thing of asking the other party directly before involving him.
1) Likelihood of success by asking directly: Of course it’s higher when you ask in an effective way. I would recommend the framework of nonviolent communication.
2) Costs of asking the landlord before asking directly: Carol: Dear landlord Dave, my neighbor is to loud.
Dave: Dear Alice, Carol told me that you are to loud. Alice: Dear Dave, I’m fully within the house rules and anyway Carol didn’t even ask me to turn down the volume.
Dave: Dear Carol, is it true that you didn’t ask Alice directly to turn down the volume? Carol: Yes, but....
That’s a situation into which Carol doesn’t want to navigate herself.
if you’re the sensitive neighbor, don’t go asking the loud one directly (you have no power over them and they gain no benefit from helping), call your landlord and complain.
And the Landlord will point out that Alice is playing by the rules.
In a more ideal case, I think that it’s not the individual’s responsibility to take care of unusually sensitive people, but the group as a whole.
Then the regulations or social norms are wrong for the real people they’re supposed to help and should take the variance of sensitivity into account. Though if that has already been done and someone complains even after the norms have been calculated with kindness, I’d say you are under no obligation to help.
On the flip side, if you’re the sensitive neighbor, don’t go asking the loud one directly (you have no power over them and they gain no benefit from helping), call your landlord and complain. At least you have the relation of customer to them and they have some degree of authority.
Yeah, I put the burden of responsibility on the group to have better norms. This works even if the sensitivity is to something you can’t control, and gets the benefits of the curb-cut effect (youtube).
(Of course, I am ignoring the difficulties of institutional reform and you can go ahead and still try to be nice, using ete’s process above, for example.)
That’s bad advice. If you are a sensitive neighbor asking nicely doesn’t cost you much. On the other hand complaining to landlord before asking directly can often reduce willingness to help.
That’s fair. I’m flavored by my experiences with college students signalling their status through obstinacy.
At any rate, it’s useful to have multiple strategies.
If a neighbor feels uneasy because of noise I create and the person comes to me, that creates in me a desire to stop making that person uncomfortable.
Going directly to the landlord without any communication with me on the other hand removes that desire and it becomes a question of power. If I already conform to the rules of the house, it’s unlikely to make me change my behavior to be less noisy.
Escalating a conflict without attempting to solve it directly by talking to another person violates a social norm. It decreases the chance that the person is willing to give you a favor even if you try to speak directly to them afterwards. It also reduces the chances that the landlord is willing to help you when you didn’t do the reasonable thing of asking the other party directly before involving him.
For me, and many others, it depends a lot on whether they come to you with a request for a favor, or with a complaint.
A complaint will likely be met with an assertion of rights, not accommodation.
There are two issues:
1) Likelihood of success by asking directly:
Of course it’s higher when you ask in an effective way. I would recommend the framework of nonviolent communication.
2) Costs of asking the landlord before asking directly:
Carol: Dear landlord Dave, my neighbor is to loud.
Dave: Dear Alice, Carol told me that you are to loud.
Alice: Dear Dave, I’m fully within the house rules and anyway Carol didn’t even ask me to turn down the volume.
Dave: Dear Carol, is it true that you didn’t ask Alice directly to turn down the volume?
Carol: Yes, but....
That’s a situation into which Carol doesn’t want to navigate herself.
And the Landlord will point out that Alice is playing by the rules.