On the flip side, if you’re the sensitive neighbor, don’t go asking the loud one directly (you have no power over them and they gain no benefit from helping), call your landlord and complain.
That’s bad advice. If you are a sensitive neighbor asking nicely doesn’t cost you much. On the other hand complaining to landlord before asking directly can often reduce willingness to help.
If a neighbor feels uneasy because of noise I create and the person comes to me, that creates in me a desire to stop making that person uncomfortable.
Going directly to the landlord without any communication with me on the other hand removes that desire and it becomes a question of power.
If I already conform to the rules of the house, it’s unlikely to make me change my behavior to be less noisy.
Escalating a conflict without attempting to solve it directly by talking to another person violates a social norm.
It decreases the chance that the person is willing to give you a favor even if you try to speak directly to them afterwards.
It also reduces the chances that the landlord is willing to help you when you didn’t do the reasonable thing of asking the other party directly before involving him.
1) Likelihood of success by asking directly: Of course it’s higher when you ask in an effective way. I would recommend the framework of nonviolent communication.
2) Costs of asking the landlord before asking directly: Carol: Dear landlord Dave, my neighbor is to loud.
Dave: Dear Alice, Carol told me that you are to loud. Alice: Dear Dave, I’m fully within the house rules and anyway Carol didn’t even ask me to turn down the volume.
Dave: Dear Carol, is it true that you didn’t ask Alice directly to turn down the volume? Carol: Yes, but....
That’s a situation into which Carol doesn’t want to navigate herself.
That’s bad advice. If you are a sensitive neighbor asking nicely doesn’t cost you much. On the other hand complaining to landlord before asking directly can often reduce willingness to help.
That’s fair. I’m flavored by my experiences with college students signalling their status through obstinacy.
At any rate, it’s useful to have multiple strategies.
If a neighbor feels uneasy because of noise I create and the person comes to me, that creates in me a desire to stop making that person uncomfortable.
Going directly to the landlord without any communication with me on the other hand removes that desire and it becomes a question of power. If I already conform to the rules of the house, it’s unlikely to make me change my behavior to be less noisy.
Escalating a conflict without attempting to solve it directly by talking to another person violates a social norm. It decreases the chance that the person is willing to give you a favor even if you try to speak directly to them afterwards. It also reduces the chances that the landlord is willing to help you when you didn’t do the reasonable thing of asking the other party directly before involving him.
For me, and many others, it depends a lot on whether they come to you with a request for a favor, or with a complaint.
A complaint will likely be met with an assertion of rights, not accommodation.
There are two issues:
1) Likelihood of success by asking directly:
Of course it’s higher when you ask in an effective way. I would recommend the framework of nonviolent communication.
2) Costs of asking the landlord before asking directly:
Carol: Dear landlord Dave, my neighbor is to loud.
Dave: Dear Alice, Carol told me that you are to loud.
Alice: Dear Dave, I’m fully within the house rules and anyway Carol didn’t even ask me to turn down the volume.
Dave: Dear Carol, is it true that you didn’t ask Alice directly to turn down the volume?
Carol: Yes, but....
That’s a situation into which Carol doesn’t want to navigate herself.