Sex is qualitatively different from everything else.
Well...yes, as an empirical matter, that was the thesis of my comment! Wasn’t it clear that I was questioning, as a normative matter, whether that ought to be the case?
I have met you. I know that you are not an awful (or even creepy) person. I still can’t read this charitably
Just what is your uncharitable interpretation, such that you would feel the need to make this kind of disclaimer?
I’m hoping you’ve just been primed by reading too much Hanson or something
Probably. I can’t claim to have thought about this kind of thing much before Hanson brought it up.
Dude: People are not entitled to get things for free from people who don’t want to give them, even if you think their reasons for not wanting to give are dumb. It is not acceptable to criticize women for inadequate generosity because they are not as promiscuous as would be convenient for straight men.
First of all, the phrase “it is not acceptable to criticize...” is kind of an alarm bell. Secondly, yes, the issue is precisely at the level of “wanting”. Obviously, given that someone already doesn’t want to give something, then their giving it would be bad, all else being equal. The question is, what to do about this problem of their not wanting, since their lack of wanting causes pain for others.
It should also be obvious that eating large quantities of sugar is less rational in our era of processed food. Do you consume sweets?
(Some, but not very many, as it happens.) Yes, indeed, it is less rational to consume as much sugar as possible nowadays: it leads to bad health consequences.
First of all, the phrase “it is not acceptable to criticize...” is kind of an alarm bell.
How about “it is hurtful and offensive to criticize...”? I realize that being hurtful and offensive is not a reason not to criticize something (see also: religion), but please recognize that I consider my freedom not to have sex with someone I don’t want to have sex with sacrosanct, even above other freedoms that I also consider sacrosanct.
I took your original suggestion to mean that my preferences in that area should be up for debate. Since I am completely unwilling to debate whether or not I should be so reluctant to offer up “sexual favors”, that makes me hurt and afraid.
If you had suggested that I might be happier if I was more willing to have sex with people, I might have bristled a little, but I would at least recognize ways in which that could be a defensible position. However, your initial suggestion came off as “the world would be better if women were altered so that they would be more easily convinced to have sex”. Since you failed to mention any specific benefit to the women so altered, it sounds like coercion and is extremely offensive.
Given that this is your point of view, it is not possible for me to discuss this topic with you.
I cannot psychologically afford to have a bunch of people here calling me “extremely offensive”. That isn’t how I see myself. I’m not one of those people. A comment such as yours is already very distressing to me. Yet, it is now clear to me that if I were to honestly express myself, this is exactly what I would have to expect: more of this.
I stand to gain almost nothing from wading further into this minefield, and on the other hand risk losing almost everything. Except as incidental to other matters, on the topic of sex and gender on LW, I am officially finished.
I was offended by your original comment, but I don’t want you to think that I translated being offended by your comment into finding you offensive. I’ve certainly found you reasonable, and you haven’t yet seemed intentionally hostile. I don’t by any stretch of the imagination consider you one of those people; if I did, I don’t think I would feel that conversing with you would have any point.
I certainly understand you wanting to be finished with this topic. After being downvoted for nearly all my comments on this thread, I’ve begun to feel very unwelcome here, so I should probably take a break from this topic as well. Also, despite the fact that I feel like I’ve been arguing with you, I don’t feel like you have been involved in making me feel unwelcome.
After being downvoted for nearly all my comments on this thread, I’ve begun to feel very unwelcome here
Don’t give too much weight to early downvotes; they reflect only the opinion of the most active users, not necessarily most users. I’ve found it’s best to give it a few days to see what LW in the large really thinks of what you said, and early trends sometimes reverse themselves on controversial topics.
My experience is similar. On especially controversial or social-political subjects I’ve sometimes found an early downvote to be a predictor of a higher later karma score, a far cry from a negative spiral.
I’m not feeling any too pleased with myself or the world, either.
I very tentatively suggest that this sort of discussion is made more awful than necessary (for all participants) to the extent that they think it’s urgent to convince other people faster than one can reasonably expect for them to be convinced.
I stand to gain almost nothing from wading further into this minefield, and on the other hand risk losing almost everything. Except as incidental to other matters, on the topic of sex and gender on LW, I am officially finished.
Kompo not being willing to discuss this ‘minefield’ of a topic on LW which is an indicator that other people will be similarly discouraged. If he and people like him aren’t able to participate in the conversation we lose valuable perspective. I know, lets create another site where people like kompo will feel free to contribute!
Is someone stopping you? What obstacle to your progress can I remove so I can stop seeing complaints about it?
There is no complaint here. I am taking the opportunity to encourage XFrequentist to follow through with his proposal. I get the impression that he or she is better suited to the social engineering required to make the system a success. Since XFrequentist has actually made moves to test for support and interest he or she seems like the perfect person to take the lead here. I would, of course, be willing and able to provide technical support and hosting.
This is what this whole post was about. The tangent is, Cthulu forbid, interjecting something on topic.
Ok, nobody is going to win any Tony awards for acting ability in this little bit of street theater. Isn’t it time to lower the curtain on this turkey and let the narrator come onstage and explain to the audience wtf the moral of this production was supposed to be?
Ok, nobody is going to win any Tony awards for acting ability in this little bit of street theater. Isn’t it time to lower the curtain on this turkey and let the narrator come onstage and explain to the audience wtf the moral of this production was supposed to be?
Well...yes, as an empirical matter, that was the thesis of my comment! Wasn’t it clear that I was questioning, as a normative matter, whether that ought to be the case?
Because it now is the case that sex is qualitatively different from everything else, attempts to make it be not so or create a norm that it be not so now impinge on the current, existent feelings of people (esp. women) who think about sex as how it now is.
In other words: Sexuality’s differences from other things, if respected, are self-supporting. It opposes these features to try to alter them. Failing to respect sexual rules in these, among other, ways is Very Bad.
First of all, the phrase “it is not acceptable to criticize...” is kind of an alarm bell.
How about “it makes me afraid when people criticize”? Or is that irrelevant?
The question is, what to do about this problem of their not wanting, since their lack of wanting causes pain for others.
I am very good at getting people to give me presents. This ability is only targetable to a certain point, but it is partly under my control. Supposing, probably inaccurately, that I could scale up this capacity indefinitely—not stealing things I wanted, but just acting in such a way that encouraged people to give them to me significantly more than they’d otherwise be inclined—there are things it would be unethical for me to try to get in this way. I shouldn’t encourage people to spend beyond their means, for example. I shouldn’t encourage them to give me things that they need for themselves. I shouldn’t encourage them to give me things that I only want a little bit that they have much stronger interests in. Even if their means are limited by choice, or their need for the needed object is evitable, or their reason for strongly valuing the prized possession is really stupid. If I find myself tempted to seek gifts of such things, the correct place to solve the “problem” is in my excessive interest in owning stuff that belongs to others.
In other words: Sexuality’s differences from other things, if respected, are self-supporting. It opposes these features to try to alter them. Failing to respect sexual rules in these, among other, ways is Very Bad.
This sounds suspicious to me—a bit too Fully General. It seems that you could similarly Engrave In Stone For All Time any set of currently existing norms this way.
I’ll have to think about this more to determine the extent to which I agree.
How about “it makes me afraid when people criticize”?
That’s certainly better and more specific—and would naturally prompt the followup: “afraid of what?”
It seems that you could similarly Engrave In Stone For All Time any set of currently existing norms this way.
I don’t think it’s as fully general as all that. Most norm sets don’t have as their first rule that You Do Not Question The Norm Set. If they have such rules, it’s rarely with the historical context of the rule being there to protect against horrific crimes.
“afraid of what?”
I’m afraid of not at least trying to nip things in this family of thoughts in the bud. I’m afraid I’ll be raped by a guy with expensive lawyers who will use anything I’ve publicly stated that they possibly can twist into making me look like a slut who deserved it. I’m afraid I’ll say something ambiguous and be misunderstood and justify, in someone’s mind, some hurt. I’m afraid that if I check my fear, I’ll overshoot, and I’ll wind up ever so reasonably agreeing with something that can be made to justify attacks on my friends, myself, and others, past and future.
I’m afraid that if I bring in my personal history or that of my friends, the ever-so-reasonable attack dogs on this website will demand that I provide details that are no one’s business, pick apart the possible motivations of the villains and sympathize with them, and speculate about the participation of the victims. I’m afraid that if I don’t make it personal, I’ll look like I’m talking out of my ass. I’m afraid to have conversations about this with people who don’t start by agreeing to the rules of engagement that may help keep me and people I care about safe.
I don’t think it’s as fully general as all that. Most norm sets don’t have as their first rule that You Do Not Question The Norm Set. If they have such rules, it’s rarely with the historical context of the rule being there to protect against horrific crimes.
Actually, my sense is the opposite: that most norm sets do have this rule. (The first of the infamous Ten Commandments might easily be interpreted this way, for example.) And rules are nearly always justified by the supposition that something Bad would happen if they weren’t enforced. So I remain unconvinced, for the moment.
As for the rest, I’m not sure I’m clever enough to come up with a set of words that will simultaneously communicate to you my disagreement and benignity. So, at least for now, I shan’t try.
As for the rest, I’m not sure I’m clever enough to come up with a set of words that will simultaneously communicate to you my disagreement and benignity. So, at least for now, I shan’t try.
Dude, saying this (or a simpler permutation thereof) would have helped me so many times in so many of my relationships. I really wish I’d learned that a kiss on the forehead and saying “Never mind, let’s go bake brownies” is a much better response than two paragraphs of autistic complex-compound sentences explaining how what I’d said was reasonable but how the other’s interpretation was also reasonable given the context. Such paragraphs went half-ignored and were translated as defensive self-justifying and blame-shifting moves. It was so annoying for so long, and I didn’t update until like two weeks ago.
Normal people don’t care about detailed explanations of the motivations behind what you say, they care about the imagined motivations behind what people would say in epistemic and emotional positions that are roughly similar to what they imagine to be yours. This leads to lots of confusion and frustration for the literal-minded.
Well...yes, as an empirical matter, that was the thesis of my comment! Wasn’t it clear that I was questioning, as a normative matter, whether that ought to be the case?
Just what is your uncharitable interpretation, such that you would feel the need to make this kind of disclaimer?
Probably. I can’t claim to have thought about this kind of thing much before Hanson brought it up.
First of all, the phrase “it is not acceptable to criticize...” is kind of an alarm bell. Secondly, yes, the issue is precisely at the level of “wanting”. Obviously, given that someone already doesn’t want to give something, then their giving it would be bad, all else being equal. The question is, what to do about this problem of their not wanting, since their lack of wanting causes pain for others.
(Some, but not very many, as it happens.) Yes, indeed, it is less rational to consume as much sugar as possible nowadays: it leads to bad health consequences.
How about “it is hurtful and offensive to criticize...”? I realize that being hurtful and offensive is not a reason not to criticize something (see also: religion), but please recognize that I consider my freedom not to have sex with someone I don’t want to have sex with sacrosanct, even above other freedoms that I also consider sacrosanct.
I took your original suggestion to mean that my preferences in that area should be up for debate. Since I am completely unwilling to debate whether or not I should be so reluctant to offer up “sexual favors”, that makes me hurt and afraid.
If you had suggested that I might be happier if I was more willing to have sex with people, I might have bristled a little, but I would at least recognize ways in which that could be a defensible position. However, your initial suggestion came off as “the world would be better if women were altered so that they would be more easily convinced to have sex”. Since you failed to mention any specific benefit to the women so altered, it sounds like coercion and is extremely offensive.
Given that this is your point of view, it is not possible for me to discuss this topic with you.
I cannot psychologically afford to have a bunch of people here calling me “extremely offensive”. That isn’t how I see myself. I’m not one of those people. A comment such as yours is already very distressing to me. Yet, it is now clear to me that if I were to honestly express myself, this is exactly what I would have to expect: more of this.
I stand to gain almost nothing from wading further into this minefield, and on the other hand risk losing almost everything. Except as incidental to other matters, on the topic of sex and gender on LW, I am officially finished.
Now, as they say, off to buy some strychnine....
I was offended by your original comment, but I don’t want you to think that I translated being offended by your comment into finding you offensive. I’ve certainly found you reasonable, and you haven’t yet seemed intentionally hostile. I don’t by any stretch of the imagination consider you one of those people; if I did, I don’t think I would feel that conversing with you would have any point.
I certainly understand you wanting to be finished with this topic. After being downvoted for nearly all my comments on this thread, I’ve begun to feel very unwelcome here, so I should probably take a break from this topic as well. Also, despite the fact that I feel like I’ve been arguing with you, I don’t feel like you have been involved in making me feel unwelcome.
Don’t give too much weight to early downvotes; they reflect only the opinion of the most active users, not necessarily most users. I’ve found it’s best to give it a few days to see what LW in the large really thinks of what you said, and early trends sometimes reverse themselves on controversial topics.
My experience is similar. On especially controversial or social-political subjects I’ve sometimes found an early downvote to be a predictor of a higher later karma score, a far cry from a negative spiral.
I’m not feeling any too pleased with myself or the world, either.
I very tentatively suggest that this sort of discussion is made more awful than necessary (for all participants) to the extent that they think it’s urgent to convince other people faster than one can reasonably expect for them to be convinced.
Kompo not being willing to discuss this ‘minefield’ of a topic on LW which is an indicator that other people will be similarly discouraged. If he and people like him aren’t able to participate in the conversation we lose valuable perspective. I know, lets create another site where people like kompo will feel free to contribute!
Is someone stopping you? What obstacle to your progress can I remove so I can stop seeing complaints about it?
There is no complaint here. I am taking the opportunity to encourage XFrequentist to follow through with his proposal. I get the impression that he or she is better suited to the social engineering required to make the system a success. Since XFrequentist has actually made moves to test for support and interest he or she seems like the perfect person to take the lead here. I would, of course, be willing and able to provide technical support and hosting.
This is what this whole post was about. The tangent is, Cthulu forbid, interjecting something on topic.
Ok, nobody is going to win any Tony awards for acting ability in this little bit of street theater. Isn’t it time to lower the curtain on this turkey and let the narrator come onstage and explain to the audience wtf the moral of this production was supposed to be?
The moral is clear… we need to create a… ;)
Because it now is the case that sex is qualitatively different from everything else, attempts to make it be not so or create a norm that it be not so now impinge on the current, existent feelings of people (esp. women) who think about sex as how it now is.
In other words: Sexuality’s differences from other things, if respected, are self-supporting. It opposes these features to try to alter them. Failing to respect sexual rules in these, among other, ways is Very Bad.
How about “it makes me afraid when people criticize”? Or is that irrelevant?
I am very good at getting people to give me presents. This ability is only targetable to a certain point, but it is partly under my control. Supposing, probably inaccurately, that I could scale up this capacity indefinitely—not stealing things I wanted, but just acting in such a way that encouraged people to give them to me significantly more than they’d otherwise be inclined—there are things it would be unethical for me to try to get in this way. I shouldn’t encourage people to spend beyond their means, for example. I shouldn’t encourage them to give me things that they need for themselves. I shouldn’t encourage them to give me things that I only want a little bit that they have much stronger interests in. Even if their means are limited by choice, or their need for the needed object is evitable, or their reason for strongly valuing the prized possession is really stupid. If I find myself tempted to seek gifts of such things, the correct place to solve the “problem” is in my excessive interest in owning stuff that belongs to others.
This sounds suspicious to me—a bit too Fully General. It seems that you could similarly Engrave In Stone For All Time any set of currently existing norms this way.
I’ll have to think about this more to determine the extent to which I agree.
That’s certainly better and more specific—and would naturally prompt the followup: “afraid of what?”
I don’t think it’s as fully general as all that. Most norm sets don’t have as their first rule that You Do Not Question The Norm Set. If they have such rules, it’s rarely with the historical context of the rule being there to protect against horrific crimes.
I’m afraid of not at least trying to nip things in this family of thoughts in the bud. I’m afraid I’ll be raped by a guy with expensive lawyers who will use anything I’ve publicly stated that they possibly can twist into making me look like a slut who deserved it. I’m afraid I’ll say something ambiguous and be misunderstood and justify, in someone’s mind, some hurt. I’m afraid that if I check my fear, I’ll overshoot, and I’ll wind up ever so reasonably agreeing with something that can be made to justify attacks on my friends, myself, and others, past and future.
I’m afraid that if I bring in my personal history or that of my friends, the ever-so-reasonable attack dogs on this website will demand that I provide details that are no one’s business, pick apart the possible motivations of the villains and sympathize with them, and speculate about the participation of the victims. I’m afraid that if I don’t make it personal, I’ll look like I’m talking out of my ass. I’m afraid to have conversations about this with people who don’t start by agreeing to the rules of engagement that may help keep me and people I care about safe.
Actually, my sense is the opposite: that most norm sets do have this rule. (The first of the infamous Ten Commandments might easily be interpreted this way, for example.) And rules are nearly always justified by the supposition that something Bad would happen if they weren’t enforced. So I remain unconvinced, for the moment.
As for the rest, I’m not sure I’m clever enough to come up with a set of words that will simultaneously communicate to you my disagreement and benignity. So, at least for now, I shan’t try.
Dude, saying this (or a simpler permutation thereof) would have helped me so many times in so many of my relationships. I really wish I’d learned that a kiss on the forehead and saying “Never mind, let’s go bake brownies” is a much better response than two paragraphs of autistic complex-compound sentences explaining how what I’d said was reasonable but how the other’s interpretation was also reasonable given the context. Such paragraphs went half-ignored and were translated as defensive self-justifying and blame-shifting moves. It was so annoying for so long, and I didn’t update until like two weeks ago.
Normal people don’t care about detailed explanations of the motivations behind what you say, they care about the imagined motivations behind what people would say in epistemic and emotional positions that are roughly similar to what they imagine to be yours. This leads to lots of confusion and frustration for the literal-minded.