I don’t know how good this holds up, but: I noticed that in conversations I tend to barge out questions like an inquisitor, while some of my friends are more like story tellers. Some, I can’t really talk with, and when we get together, it’s more like ‘just chilling out’.
I was wondering
a, if people tend to fall into some category more than others
b, if there are more such categories
c, if overemphasis on one behavior is a significant factor of mine, (and presumably others’) social skill deficit
If the last is true, I would like to diversify this portfolio..
Is there some kind of psychological theory I should be aware of?
In my search for underutilized venues, where should I go?
Where could I find a large corpus of people having real conversations, preferably followed over a long term?
Is there some kind of psychological theory I should be aware of?
I found something long time ago in some PUA materials, but unfortunately I don’t remember the source anymore. The central idea was this:
People don’t say random stories. (At least the socially savvy don’t.) People, consciously or not, select the stories that support the persona they want to project. So the rational approach would start by making a list of attributes you want to associate with yourself, and then select / modify / invent the stories that provide fictional evidence that you have these attributes.
A typical PUA advice would probably recommend this set of attributes for a heterosexual man:
your life is full of adventures;
you are able to overcome problems (you have the skills, and you stay mentally stable in adversity);
you have loyal friends, who consider you their natural leader;
women want you (this should not be a focus of the story, merely a background assumption).
Now your task is to create an story that is interesting to listen and contains all these attributes. For example:
“A few years ago you did something adventurous with your charming girlfriend (tried to travel across the desert in a car; or took a hike through an exotic jungle). Then something dangerous happened (your car hit a landmine that destroyed its motor; in a supposedly safe part of jungle you met a tiger). You were smart and quick enough to avoid the immediate danger (you catapulted yourself and your girlfriend from the car; you took the girlfriend and pushed her up on a tree, then you climbed up too). Your girlfriend was super scared, but you remained cool and said “honey, I don’t know how, but trust me, we are going to solve this, and it will be a cool story afterwards”. You demonstrated some more skills (built a guitar from the remains of the car; killed a squirrel on the tree and cooked it for a dinner). Then you called your good friends, who owe you for saving their lives in the past—but that’s another story, you could offer to tell her tonight at your own place, if she is interested—and they immediately went there to help you, because you are a very high priority for them. Then you spent the rest of the day partying together and having a lot of fun.” (Also you need some good explanation for why you are not with the amazing girlfriend anymore. She was a student from an exotic country, and she returned home to follow her career.)
If you are too honest to invent stories, just filter your own experience and find situations where you exhibited the desired traits. Feel free to slightly exaggerate your role; most people do.
In the context of communication categories (a, b, and others) it may be useful particularly to view conversations as persona building (as above), because there is a subset of people who do not tell stories about what they have done, but tell you about what they are doing—or simply do them. The person who shows up with Google Cardboard or TARDIS nail polish is signaling strongly without telling any stories. Depending on your goals, this may be a more effective way of persona building than learning to tell stories.
On the other hand, if you want to improve conversational skills, you might instead focus on finding productive questions to ask—it is very hard to determine what stories people will enjoy, but most people will enjoy telling you about themselves, and this appears to be true even if you ask very simple questions.
I was wondering a, if people tend to fall into some category more than others b, if there are more such categories c, if overemphasis on one behavior is a significant factor of mine, (and presumably others’) social skill deficit
It’s probably not that useful to think about this in terms of categories. It would be better to think about what makes a conversation great and to find out what is missing when you end up ‘just chilling out’.
Let me know what you perceive to be the difference in your conversations that work and the ones in which you end up just chilling out.
Here’s some background information to help you out with that.
Conversations are a type of speech exchange system that involves turn taking. When you are having your turn, i.e. speaking, this is referred to as holding the conversational floor. A conversation that progresses past the initial stage, referred to as small talk, will have longer turns in which the content is free flowing and natural. One of the main things that differentiate conversation from other speech systems like interviews is that the turns are best when they are somewhat balanced. Conversations thrive when the turns are natural, build on previous turns and allow multiple avenues for future turns.
Based on what you have said, I would presume that your conversations that don’t work tend to involve short turns as you keep asking them questions and they give short answers. When conversations sag and die, it will most likely be because of minimal responses, i.e. short turns, and no free information that the other person can use to take a future turn. In fact, this is how almost all conversations end. That is, with the exchange of ritualistic small turns, e.g. “Ok, cya” → “Yeh, bye”
In general, I think that a good conversationalist is someone who is good at doing conversational work which is all about ensuring that the conversation will continue and that the turns will become more expansive and natural. Some aspects of conversational work include:
Asking questions (preferably open ones which lead to longer turns or follow up questions which show that you’re listening and care)
Providing answers
Introducing new topics
Picking up topics
Telling good stories
Helping good stories
Helping others to be able to ask you questions, i.e. offering lots of free information. For example, if asked what do you do then it is good if you can provide enough information to allow them to expand on what you have said. Don’t just tell them your role, but tell them what you do day to day and why you love it, or don’t.
According to Greene, 50 Cent is an example of what Machiavelli called a New Prince, a leader who emerges in a time of chaos or turmoil and rewrites the rules.
Conversation is a bit of a chaotic act. People sometimes cling to the act of small talk. Seems like you’ve done without that. Why frantically skate back to the norm? Are you afraid? Rewrite the rules, be a leader, be the inquisitor.
I don’t know how good this holds up, but: I noticed that in conversations I tend to barge out questions like an inquisitor, while some of my friends are more like story tellers. Some, I can’t really talk with, and when we get together, it’s more like ‘just chilling out’.
I was wondering a, if people tend to fall into some category more than others b, if there are more such categories c, if overemphasis on one behavior is a significant factor of mine, (and presumably others’) social skill deficit
If the last is true, I would like to diversify this portfolio..
Is there some kind of psychological theory I should be aware of?
In my search for underutilized venues, where should I go?
Where could I find a large corpus of people having real conversations, preferably followed over a long term?
I found something long time ago in some PUA materials, but unfortunately I don’t remember the source anymore. The central idea was this:
People don’t say random stories. (At least the socially savvy don’t.) People, consciously or not, select the stories that support the persona they want to project. So the rational approach would start by making a list of attributes you want to associate with yourself, and then select / modify / invent the stories that provide fictional evidence that you have these attributes.
A typical PUA advice would probably recommend this set of attributes for a heterosexual man:
your life is full of adventures;
you are able to overcome problems (you have the skills, and you stay mentally stable in adversity);
you have loyal friends, who consider you their natural leader;
women want you (this should not be a focus of the story, merely a background assumption).
Now your task is to create an story that is interesting to listen and contains all these attributes. For example:
“A few years ago you did something adventurous with your charming girlfriend (tried to travel across the desert in a car; or took a hike through an exotic jungle). Then something dangerous happened (your car hit a landmine that destroyed its motor; in a supposedly safe part of jungle you met a tiger). You were smart and quick enough to avoid the immediate danger (you catapulted yourself and your girlfriend from the car; you took the girlfriend and pushed her up on a tree, then you climbed up too). Your girlfriend was super scared, but you remained cool and said “honey, I don’t know how, but trust me, we are going to solve this, and it will be a cool story afterwards”. You demonstrated some more skills (built a guitar from the remains of the car; killed a squirrel on the tree and cooked it for a dinner). Then you called your good friends, who owe you for saving their lives in the past—but that’s another story, you could offer to tell her tonight at your own place, if she is interested—and they immediately went there to help you, because you are a very high priority for them. Then you spent the rest of the day partying together and having a lot of fun.” (Also you need some good explanation for why you are not with the amazing girlfriend anymore. She was a student from an exotic country, and she returned home to follow her career.)
If you are too honest to invent stories, just filter your own experience and find situations where you exhibited the desired traits. Feel free to slightly exaggerate your role; most people do.
In the context of communication categories (a, b, and others) it may be useful particularly to view conversations as persona building (as above), because there is a subset of people who do not tell stories about what they have done, but tell you about what they are doing—or simply do them. The person who shows up with Google Cardboard or TARDIS nail polish is signaling strongly without telling any stories. Depending on your goals, this may be a more effective way of persona building than learning to tell stories.
On the other hand, if you want to improve conversational skills, you might instead focus on finding productive questions to ask—it is very hard to determine what stories people will enjoy, but most people will enjoy telling you about themselves, and this appears to be true even if you ask very simple questions.
This seems pretty good.
It’s probably not that useful to think about this in terms of categories. It would be better to think about what makes a conversation great and to find out what is missing when you end up ‘just chilling out’.
Let me know what you perceive to be the difference in your conversations that work and the ones in which you end up just chilling out.
Here’s some background information to help you out with that. Conversations are a type of speech exchange system that involves turn taking. When you are having your turn, i.e. speaking, this is referred to as holding the conversational floor. A conversation that progresses past the initial stage, referred to as small talk, will have longer turns in which the content is free flowing and natural. One of the main things that differentiate conversation from other speech systems like interviews is that the turns are best when they are somewhat balanced. Conversations thrive when the turns are natural, build on previous turns and allow multiple avenues for future turns.
Based on what you have said, I would presume that your conversations that don’t work tend to involve short turns as you keep asking them questions and they give short answers. When conversations sag and die, it will most likely be because of minimal responses, i.e. short turns, and no free information that the other person can use to take a future turn. In fact, this is how almost all conversations end. That is, with the exchange of ritualistic small turns, e.g. “Ok, cya” → “Yeh, bye”
In general, I think that a good conversationalist is someone who is good at doing conversational work which is all about ensuring that the conversation will continue and that the turns will become more expansive and natural. Some aspects of conversational work include:
Asking questions (preferably open ones which lead to longer turns or follow up questions which show that you’re listening and care)
Providing answers
Introducing new topics
Picking up topics
Telling good stories
Helping good stories
Helping others to be able to ask you questions, i.e. offering lots of free information. For example, if asked what do you do then it is good if you can provide enough information to allow them to expand on what you have said. Don’t just tell them your role, but tell them what you do day to day and why you love it, or don’t.
Conversation is a bit of a chaotic act. People sometimes cling to the act of small talk. Seems like you’ve done without that. Why frantically skate back to the norm? Are you afraid? Rewrite the rules, be a leader, be the inquisitor.