Is there some kind of psychological theory I should be aware of?
I found something long time ago in some PUA materials, but unfortunately I don’t remember the source anymore. The central idea was this:
People don’t say random stories. (At least the socially savvy don’t.) People, consciously or not, select the stories that support the persona they want to project. So the rational approach would start by making a list of attributes you want to associate with yourself, and then select / modify / invent the stories that provide fictional evidence that you have these attributes.
A typical PUA advice would probably recommend this set of attributes for a heterosexual man:
your life is full of adventures;
you are able to overcome problems (you have the skills, and you stay mentally stable in adversity);
you have loyal friends, who consider you their natural leader;
women want you (this should not be a focus of the story, merely a background assumption).
Now your task is to create an story that is interesting to listen and contains all these attributes. For example:
“A few years ago you did something adventurous with your charming girlfriend (tried to travel across the desert in a car; or took a hike through an exotic jungle). Then something dangerous happened (your car hit a landmine that destroyed its motor; in a supposedly safe part of jungle you met a tiger). You were smart and quick enough to avoid the immediate danger (you catapulted yourself and your girlfriend from the car; you took the girlfriend and pushed her up on a tree, then you climbed up too). Your girlfriend was super scared, but you remained cool and said “honey, I don’t know how, but trust me, we are going to solve this, and it will be a cool story afterwards”. You demonstrated some more skills (built a guitar from the remains of the car; killed a squirrel on the tree and cooked it for a dinner). Then you called your good friends, who owe you for saving their lives in the past—but that’s another story, you could offer to tell her tonight at your own place, if she is interested—and they immediately went there to help you, because you are a very high priority for them. Then you spent the rest of the day partying together and having a lot of fun.” (Also you need some good explanation for why you are not with the amazing girlfriend anymore. She was a student from an exotic country, and she returned home to follow her career.)
If you are too honest to invent stories, just filter your own experience and find situations where you exhibited the desired traits. Feel free to slightly exaggerate your role; most people do.
In the context of communication categories (a, b, and others) it may be useful particularly to view conversations as persona building (as above), because there is a subset of people who do not tell stories about what they have done, but tell you about what they are doing—or simply do them. The person who shows up with Google Cardboard or TARDIS nail polish is signaling strongly without telling any stories. Depending on your goals, this may be a more effective way of persona building than learning to tell stories.
On the other hand, if you want to improve conversational skills, you might instead focus on finding productive questions to ask—it is very hard to determine what stories people will enjoy, but most people will enjoy telling you about themselves, and this appears to be true even if you ask very simple questions.
I found something long time ago in some PUA materials, but unfortunately I don’t remember the source anymore. The central idea was this:
People don’t say random stories. (At least the socially savvy don’t.) People, consciously or not, select the stories that support the persona they want to project. So the rational approach would start by making a list of attributes you want to associate with yourself, and then select / modify / invent the stories that provide fictional evidence that you have these attributes.
A typical PUA advice would probably recommend this set of attributes for a heterosexual man:
your life is full of adventures;
you are able to overcome problems (you have the skills, and you stay mentally stable in adversity);
you have loyal friends, who consider you their natural leader;
women want you (this should not be a focus of the story, merely a background assumption).
Now your task is to create an story that is interesting to listen and contains all these attributes. For example:
“A few years ago you did something adventurous with your charming girlfriend (tried to travel across the desert in a car; or took a hike through an exotic jungle). Then something dangerous happened (your car hit a landmine that destroyed its motor; in a supposedly safe part of jungle you met a tiger). You were smart and quick enough to avoid the immediate danger (you catapulted yourself and your girlfriend from the car; you took the girlfriend and pushed her up on a tree, then you climbed up too). Your girlfriend was super scared, but you remained cool and said “honey, I don’t know how, but trust me, we are going to solve this, and it will be a cool story afterwards”. You demonstrated some more skills (built a guitar from the remains of the car; killed a squirrel on the tree and cooked it for a dinner). Then you called your good friends, who owe you for saving their lives in the past—but that’s another story, you could offer to tell her tonight at your own place, if she is interested—and they immediately went there to help you, because you are a very high priority for them. Then you spent the rest of the day partying together and having a lot of fun.” (Also you need some good explanation for why you are not with the amazing girlfriend anymore. She was a student from an exotic country, and she returned home to follow her career.)
If you are too honest to invent stories, just filter your own experience and find situations where you exhibited the desired traits. Feel free to slightly exaggerate your role; most people do.
In the context of communication categories (a, b, and others) it may be useful particularly to view conversations as persona building (as above), because there is a subset of people who do not tell stories about what they have done, but tell you about what they are doing—or simply do them. The person who shows up with Google Cardboard or TARDIS nail polish is signaling strongly without telling any stories. Depending on your goals, this may be a more effective way of persona building than learning to tell stories.
On the other hand, if you want to improve conversational skills, you might instead focus on finding productive questions to ask—it is very hard to determine what stories people will enjoy, but most people will enjoy telling you about themselves, and this appears to be true even if you ask very simple questions.