Your originals are rated 1-10. My suggested changes are rated 1-10. You might think a change that I suggested is poor—I might agree, and merely think that it is better than what was there, and that you should keep thinking about how to improve it. You might think that a phrasing or idea of yours I changed is good or good enough—I might agree, and merely think mine is an improvement.
My comments are in italics, suggested changes are in plain font.
I am an ideal editor for this because I have not read any of Rowling’s books, nor seen the movies.
Fanfiction.net is the legally gray slum of literature, overpopulated with mostly bad Alternate Universe versions of popular novels. 5
“Alternate universe” should not be capitalized. I think “alternative universe” is more accessible.
The website fanfiction.net is a legally gray slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by bad versions of popular novels set in alternative universes. 7
Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few stories capable of truly impacting a person’s life. 8
Ideally your thinking would reflect that impact isn’t a property of stories, but rather a property of story-audience pairs. See mind projection fallacy. I’m not sure if the reader will understand “host” is correct, so it is better to use a different word if an equally good one can be found. “Truly” might not be the best fit since its core meaning has to do with likelihood of effect rather than magnitude. The word “life” I took out so it could be used for the first time in the following sentence, where it helps clarify the meaning.
Unexpectedly, however, it features a few stories capable of deeply impacting an open-minded reader. 9
“Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality” by Eliezer Yudkowsky, is one such story, and it has already changed mine. 4
I think this sentence needs either one comma or three, though perhaps only three would be correct. I do not know if there is a special convention for writing the titles of fan fiction, but novel titles are italicized. Also, “mine” can be read as referring back to “story”.
Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, by Eliezer Yudkowsky, is one such story, and it has already changed my life. 7
The protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational, overlapping little with the Harry Potter of J.K. Rowling’s celebrated works. 6
This doesn’t sufficiently tell me about the original depiction of Harry Potter. Is he stupid, or of normal intelligence? Telling me a character isn’t neutral good) doesn’t tell me much. I can’t tell you how to fix this because I do not know what Harry Potter is like in the books. “The protagonist” isn’t descriptive enough.
The story’s protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational. 7
Yudkowsky’s iteration of The Boy Who Lived often cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own) but his influence comes from how he thinks rather than what he knows. 3
You need to identify Harry Potter as The Boy Who Lived.
Yudkowsky’s iteration of Potter often cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own) as reasons for what he believes, but his influence on me comes from how he thinks rather than what he knows.
Immediately upon being tossed into the world of magic he starts testing his new environment. 5
The new paragraph should probably have the first reference to Potter by name. It should clarify that the properties of magic are what he is testing. The sentence needs a comma.
Immediately upon being tossed into the world of magic, Potter starts testing the properties of his new-found magical powers.
He designs and performs experiments and believes in his own ability to find truths the wizarding world has overlooked. 7
The irrationality of the wizarding world should be mentioned. Otherwise, the belief is not clearly rational.
He believes in his ability to find truths the unscientific wizarding world has overlooked, and takes the initiative to design and perform his own experiments to discover the nature of magic. 8
Unlike so many others, he approaches each problem as if it can be solved, trusting his own intelligence and perseverance. 7
I dislike the phrase “so many others”. Clarify that the others are others in the wizarding world.
Unlike others in the wizarding world, who are used to not understanding magic, he approaches each puzzle as if it can be solved, trusting his own intelligence and perseverance.
One very useful technique that I’ve picked up for emulating this determination is to, when faced with a problem, really think about it for a solid five minutes before writing it off as too difficult. 7
I’ve emulated his determination, and have adopted the habit of never writing off a problem as too difficult until I have thought about it and nothing else for a solid five minutes. 8
His focus on rationality prompted me to introspect on why I procrastinate, and take successful steps against the problem through the use of highly atomized task lists. 6
His focus on rationality, or his application of rationality? ”...through the use of...” is passive
His rational outlook has prompted me to introspect on why I procrastinate, and take successful steps against the problem by routinely making highly atomized task lists.
His efforts to study and understand magic, and his intent to use that knowledge to better the world, were inspiring. 7
The notion of intent to better the world is abruptly introduced here. Regarding rationality, you first said that the character used it, and then described how it affected you. In contrast, regarding altruistic intent, the first mention of Harry’s possessing it is in the middle of a sentence describing how he has influenced you. ”...were inspiring” is passive.
(Something came up, and I have abruptly run out of time to do this for now. Let me know if you want me to suggest changes to the sentences below.)
I had never really been sure about what I wanted to do with my life. But now I know; I’m going to be a scientist. 7
What caused you to know? The context implies it was the influence of HPMOR, or perhaps the character of Harry in it, but that is not good enough.
But he didn’t just help guide me towards my future; he gave me hope. 8
Once again, I think it is important to exclude the first “he” of each paragraph from referring to Yudkowsky.
Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres taught me to look up at the heavens, the stars blazing against the dark and the mountains on the surface of the Moon, and see not only the cold indifference of the universe but also the promise of humanity’s future.
That one day we might expand beyond the Earth and the Solar System, into the huge, luminous spiral of the Milky Way. 7
Fanfiction.net is the legally gray slum of literature, overpopulated with mostly bad Alternate Universe versions of popular novels.
I go off balance at “legally gray slum” since my first interpretation is that it’s a slum with a legal requirement to make things the color gray, and then I have to sort it out.
Also, there’s probably no need to talk about fanfiction.net rather than fan fiction. Part of my problem with guessing how it ought to be phrased is that there’s no way to know whether the audience knows anything about science fiction, or likes science fiction.
I’d go with “uninspired, cliched variations on popular culture”—if the reader does know something about fan fiction, they’ll know it’s not just about novels, and that some of it’s filling in gaps rather than alternate universes.
I have to disagree. I think “art” sounds terrible here; I’m expecting ff.net to be hosting not only paintings but music and drama as well.
Here’s what you should say:
The website fanfiction.net is a questionably legal slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by uninspired, cliched variations of popular stories. Unexpectedly, however, it hosts a few works...
That sounds good, but what about the end of the paragraph?
The adventure’s protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational, overlapping little with the brave but academically average Harry Potter of J.K. Rowling’s celebrated works.
Sorry, I was unclear. I was wondering if you think that “stories” is broad enough to include the things Nancy mentioned such as video games. It may be, but I’m not sure.
I think a misunderstanding still persists, because now I notice you’ve gone back to “popular novels”, while retaining “Rowling’s celebrated works”. My suggestion, just to be absolutely clear, was: “popular stories” and “Rowling’s celebrated novels”.
(If you were worried about “popular stories” not being broad enough, “popular novels” is even narrower, and definitely doesn’t apply to video games.)
No, you were clear. I’m considering sticking with “novels” though as 1) the reader probably won’t know enough about fanfiction for it to be a problem, 2) I like how it sounds this way, and 3) it’s probably true that most of the stuff on there is about books. (Maybe not though considering how much anime stuff there is).
I would say so. What is the title of the first page in every video game manual? “Story”. (At least it was back in my day.)
The narrative element of video games is what makes them suitable fanfiction subjects. The same presumably applies to any other art form which might be represented on fanfiction sites.
I don’t think your sentence is in any way misleading.
I like “art” better. My mental referent for “media” is the news media, though, and that’s affecting my preference. If thinking of “media” as meaning “news outlets” isn’t common, media could also work. Art still has an esthetic edge though.
It’s a mess because these things shift fairly quickly (I think some of them cycle in less than a generation), and there’s no way to tell how old the person reading your essay is, aside from not knowing their tastes and background.
Another thing to do is, if you refer to fanfiction.net, you may want to explicitly state that it’s a website. I don’t know how oblivious admissions officers are, and it likely varies a lot.
Yeah, Lessdazed suggested that. I made the change but most of lessdazed’s suggestions are so far only affecting my google docs version of essay since 1) I’m not completely sure how I want to use all of them and 2) I’m making a lot of edits pretty quickly.
The new paragraph should probably have the first reference to Potter by name. It should clarify that the properties of magic are what he is testing. The sentence needs a comma.
Does this mean I wouldn’t mention Harry Potter in the first paragraph?
Sorry, I meant “The new paragraph should probably have its first reference to Potter by name rather than pronoun,” or “For each paragraph, the first mention of a person should not be a pronoun referring to a previous paragraph,” not “The first mention of Potter by name in the essay should be in a later paragraph than the first.”
Key:
Your originals are rated 1-10. My suggested changes are rated 1-10. You might think a change that I suggested is poor—I might agree, and merely think that it is better than what was there, and that you should keep thinking about how to improve it. You might think that a phrasing or idea of yours I changed is good or good enough—I might agree, and merely think mine is an improvement.
My comments are in italics, suggested changes are in plain font.
I am an ideal editor for this because I have not read any of Rowling’s books, nor seen the movies.
“Alternate universe” should not be capitalized. I think “alternative universe” is more accessible.
The website fanfiction.net is a legally gray slum of derivative literature, mostly populated by bad versions of popular novels set in alternative universes. 7
Ideally your thinking would reflect that impact isn’t a property of stories, but rather a property of story-audience pairs. See mind projection fallacy. I’m not sure if the reader will understand “host” is correct, so it is better to use a different word if an equally good one can be found. “Truly” might not be the best fit since its core meaning has to do with likelihood of effect rather than magnitude. The word “life” I took out so it could be used for the first time in the following sentence, where it helps clarify the meaning.
Unexpectedly, however, it features a few stories capable of deeply impacting an open-minded reader. 9
I think this sentence needs either one comma or three, though perhaps only three would be correct. I do not know if there is a special convention for writing the titles of fan fiction, but novel titles are italicized. Also, “mine” can be read as referring back to “story”.
Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, by Eliezer Yudkowsky, is one such story, and it has already changed my life. 7
This doesn’t sufficiently tell me about the original depiction of Harry Potter. Is he stupid, or of normal intelligence? Telling me a character isn’t neutral good) doesn’t tell me much. I can’t tell you how to fix this because I do not know what Harry Potter is like in the books. “The protagonist” isn’t descriptive enough.
The story’s protagonist, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, is extraordinarily intelligent, curious, and rational. 7
You need to identify Harry Potter as The Boy Who Lived.
Yudkowsky’s iteration of Potter often cites studies in cognitive psychology (inspiring me to do quite a bit of research on my own) as reasons for what he believes, but his influence on me comes from how he thinks rather than what he knows.
The new paragraph should probably have the first reference to Potter by name. It should clarify that the properties of magic are what he is testing. The sentence needs a comma.
Immediately upon being tossed into the world of magic, Potter starts testing the properties of his new-found magical powers.
The irrationality of the wizarding world should be mentioned. Otherwise, the belief is not clearly rational.
He believes in his ability to find truths the unscientific wizarding world has overlooked, and takes the initiative to design and perform his own experiments to discover the nature of magic. 8
I dislike the phrase “so many others”. Clarify that the others are others in the wizarding world.
Unlike others in the wizarding world, who are used to not understanding magic, he approaches each puzzle as if it can be solved, trusting his own intelligence and perseverance.
I’ve emulated his determination, and have adopted the habit of never writing off a problem as too difficult until I have thought about it and nothing else for a solid five minutes. 8
His focus on rationality, or his application of rationality? ”...through the use of...” is passive
His rational outlook has prompted me to introspect on why I procrastinate, and take successful steps against the problem by routinely making highly atomized task lists.
The notion of intent to better the world is abruptly introduced here. Regarding rationality, you first said that the character used it, and then described how it affected you. In contrast, regarding altruistic intent, the first mention of Harry’s possessing it is in the middle of a sentence describing how he has influenced you. ”...were inspiring” is passive.
(Something came up, and I have abruptly run out of time to do this for now. Let me know if you want me to suggest changes to the sentences below.)
What caused you to know? The context implies it was the influence of HPMOR, or perhaps the character of Harry in it, but that is not good enough.
Once again, I think it is important to exclude the first “he” of each paragraph from referring to Yudkowsky.
Why would this be good?
“That one day we might” returns 43.9 million google hits.
I think this is too big a concept to introduce here.
I go off balance at “legally gray slum” since my first interpretation is that it’s a slum with a legal requirement to make things the color gray, and then I have to sort it out.
Also, there’s probably no need to talk about fanfiction.net rather than fan fiction. Part of my problem with guessing how it ought to be phrased is that there’s no way to know whether the audience knows anything about science fiction, or likes science fiction.
I’d go with “uninspired, cliched variations on popular culture”—if the reader does know something about fan fiction, they’ll know it’s not just about novels, and that some of it’s filling in gaps rather than alternate universes.
I think I’ll go with something like this:
I don’t like the word culture at the end though. I may just use “novels” despite that it isn’t entirely accurate. Do you have any other ideas?
The thing is, there’s fan fiction about movies, games, comics, etc. How about “popular fiction”? “Popular art”?
And I’m torn between ‘fan fiction’ and “fanfiction”. Wikipedia uses both in the article.
I vote for “popular art.” Wait, never mind, you already decided.
I haven’t decided. Do you think “art” is better than “media”?
I have to disagree. I think “art” sounds terrible here; I’m expecting ff.net to be hosting not only paintings but music and drama as well.
Here’s what you should say:
That sounds good, but what about the end of the paragraph?
There you can use “novels”.
So do you disagree with the following comment by NancyLebovits? or do you think “stories” is broad enough to still work?
That was posted when it read “variations of popular novels”.
Wrong passage. I was talking about specifically about the passage you quoted, at the end of the paragraph:
Rowling’s Harry Potter books are indeed novels, so the word may be properly applied: “J.K. Rowling’s celebrated novels.”
(Guess: you misread the grandparent as “Then you can use ‘novels’ ” rather than “There you can use ‘novels’ ”.)
Sorry, I was unclear. I was wondering if you think that “stories” is broad enough to include the things Nancy mentioned such as video games. It may be, but I’m not sure.
I think a misunderstanding still persists, because now I notice you’ve gone back to “popular novels”, while retaining “Rowling’s celebrated works”. My suggestion, just to be absolutely clear, was: “popular stories” and “Rowling’s celebrated novels”.
(If you were worried about “popular stories” not being broad enough, “popular novels” is even narrower, and definitely doesn’t apply to video games.)
No, you were clear. I’m considering sticking with “novels” though as 1) the reader probably won’t know enough about fanfiction for it to be a problem, 2) I like how it sounds this way, and 3) it’s probably true that most of the stuff on there is about books. (Maybe not though considering how much anime stuff there is).
I would say so. What is the title of the first page in every video game manual? “Story”. (At least it was back in my day.)
The narrative element of video games is what makes them suitable fanfiction subjects. The same presumably applies to any other art form which might be represented on fanfiction sites.
I don’t think your sentence is in any way misleading.
Edit: The tag didn’t seem to be working so I made it visible.
That falls into the “quirky exception” category. As far as I know, most of fanfiction.net is Harry Potter and the like.
I still don’t think the sentence is misleading. If necessary a qualifier like “mostly” can be added.
I like “art” better. My mental referent for “media” is the news media, though, and that’s affecting my preference. If thinking of “media” as meaning “news outlets” isn’t common, media could also work. Art still has an esthetic edge though.
Yeah, I’m just worried that they’ll think of paintings and stuff when they read “art”.
If you say “literature” earlier in the sentence that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. “Popular works” might be another term to consider.
That’s the same conclusion I came to, so I chose “art”. I use works later in the paragraph.
It’s a mess because these things shift fairly quickly (I think some of them cycle in less than a generation), and there’s no way to tell how old the person reading your essay is, aside from not knowing their tastes and background.
I may go with “fiction”. Or what about “media”.
I’ll probably just write “fanfiction.net″ so it’s not too big a problem that Wikipedia is inconsistent.
Another thing to do is, if you refer to fanfiction.net, you may want to explicitly state that it’s a website. I don’t know how oblivious admissions officers are, and it likely varies a lot.
Yeah, Lessdazed suggested that. I made the change but most of lessdazed’s suggestions are so far only affecting my google docs version of essay since 1) I’m not completely sure how I want to use all of them and 2) I’m making a lot of edits pretty quickly.
I endorse this.
Does this mean I wouldn’t mention Harry Potter in the first paragraph?
Sorry, I meant “The new paragraph should probably have its first reference to Potter by name rather than pronoun,” or “For each paragraph, the first mention of a person should not be a pronoun referring to a previous paragraph,” not “The first mention of Potter by name in the essay should be in a later paragraph than the first.”
This is amazing. I would definitely like to see your alternatives. I’m going to go through it step by step along side my essay in a moment.