my default state matches the negative symptoms of schizophrenia...”happiness” as such is not an emotion I experience very much at all
Have you sought professional help in the past? If not, do nothing else until you take some concrete step in that direction. This is an order from your decision theory.
Yes, including from the nice but not particularly insightful folk at UCSF, but negative symptoms generally don’t go away, ever. My brain is pretty messed up. Jhana meditation is wonderful and helps when I can get myself to do it. Technically if I did 60mg of Adderall and stayed up for about 30 to 45 hours then crashed, then repeated the process forever, I think that would overall increase my quality of life, but I’m not particularly confident of that, especially as the outside view says that’s a horrible idea. In my experience it ups the variance which is generally a good thing. Theoretically I could take a bunch of nitrous oxide near the end of the day so as to stay up for only about 24 hours as opposed to 35 before crashing; I’m not sure if I should be thinking “well hell, my dopaminergic system is totally screwed anyway” or “I should preserve what precious little automatic dopaminergic regulation I have left”. In general nobody knows nothin’ ‘bout nothin’, so my stopgap solution is moar meditation and moar meta.
Have you tried doing a detailed analysis of what would make it easier for you to meditate, and then experimenting to find whether you’ve found anything which would actually make it easier? Is keeping your cushion closer to where you usually are a possibility?
Not particularly detailed. It’s hard to do better than convincing my girlfriend to bug me about it a few times a day, which she’s getting better at. I think it’s a gradual process and I’m making progress. I’m sure Eliezer’s problems are quite similar, I suppose I could ask him what self-manipulation tactics he uses besides watching Courage Wolf YouTube videos.
Technically if I did 60mg of Adderall and stayed up for about 30 to 45 hours then crashed, then repeated the process forever, I think that would overall increase my quality of life
I suspect it would, at least in some ways. I’m mentally maybe not too dissimilar, and have done a few months of polyphasic sleeping, supported by caffeine (which I’m way too sensitive to). My mental abilities were pretty much crap, and damn was I agitated, but I was overall happier, baseline at least.
I do recommend 4+ days of sleep deprivation and desperately trying to figure out how an elevator in HL2 works as a short-term treatment for can’t-think-or-talk-but-bored, though.
Have you sought professional help in the past? If not, do nothing else until you take some concrete step in that direction. This is an order from your decision theory.
Yes, including from the nice but not particularly insightful folk at UCSF, but negative symptoms generally don’t go away, ever. My brain is pretty messed up. Jhana meditation is wonderful and helps when I can get myself to do it. Technically if I did 60mg of Adderall and stayed up for about 30 to 45 hours then crashed, then repeated the process forever, I think that would overall increase my quality of life, but I’m not particularly confident of that, especially as the outside view says that’s a horrible idea. In my experience it ups the variance which is generally a good thing. Theoretically I could take a bunch of nitrous oxide near the end of the day so as to stay up for only about 24 hours as opposed to 35 before crashing; I’m not sure if I should be thinking “well hell, my dopaminergic system is totally screwed anyway” or “I should preserve what precious little automatic dopaminergic regulation I have left”. In general nobody knows nothin’ ‘bout nothin’, so my stopgap solution is moar meditation and moar meta.
Have you tried doing a detailed analysis of what would make it easier for you to meditate, and then experimenting to find whether you’ve found anything which would actually make it easier? Is keeping your cushion closer to where you usually are a possibility?
Not particularly detailed. It’s hard to do better than convincing my girlfriend to bug me about it a few times a day, which she’s getting better at. I think it’s a gradual process and I’m making progress. I’m sure Eliezer’s problems are quite similar, I suppose I could ask him what self-manipulation tactics he uses besides watching Courage Wolf YouTube videos.
I suspect it would, at least in some ways. I’m mentally maybe not too dissimilar, and have done a few months of polyphasic sleeping, supported by caffeine (which I’m way too sensitive to). My mental abilities were pretty much crap, and damn was I agitated, but I was overall happier, baseline at least.
I do recommend 4+ days of sleep deprivation and desperately trying to figure out how an elevator in HL2 works as a short-term treatment for can’t-think-or-talk-but-bored, though.