nor have I seen any male person display a feminine personality with the same sort of depth and internal integrity, nor have I seen any male person convincingly give the appearance of having thought out the nature of feminity to that depth.
Absolutely not! It just means Eliezer is working from a biased sample and therefore his perceptions should not be taken as scientific fact.
I am sorry you’re having such problems, Liza. I kind of relate because I didn’t even believe in gender for a long time. Then I realized that there were a few things about me that I had never accepted and couldn’t seem to change:
I live to make other people happy. This is a very feminine trait—probably related to maternal instincts.
I have never been as aggressive as I want to be. I force myself to be aggressive when life demands it, and I’m very proud of this—but the fact that I have to force myself and that I feel proud of it are signs that I’m not naturally aggressive. Men often have a natural aggression that … actually allows them to have fun while being aggressive. I don’t get that, and I want to, but I don’t.
I hope you have encountered alternative gender labels like “genderqueer”. You do not need to choose between male and female! There are even more options. You can also be N/A, gender apathetic, not believe in gender, or make up a new gender term and define your gender for yourself. Not saying everyplace will always have a drop down for that, but there’s no reason you can’t do something other than pick “male” or “female”.
There’s a TED talk on gender (I forgot the exact ted.com URL but it shouldn’t be too hard to find with the search) that explains that human bodies can have soooo many variations when it comes to gender that there are hundreds of combinations and sometimes people can have both male and female parts and not realize it because they are internal. The video makes a pretty good case that our binary gender concept is a false dichotomy.
If I was you, I’d feel comforted to know that there are some who are attracted to people regardless of their gender. I am one of them. And I don’t just mean that there are bi people who date the binary “men” and “women”. There are also pansexual people who will date people of any gender (genderqueer, gender N/A, etc.) or most of them. I call my orientation “sapiosexual” because my attractions are to minds—physique and gender do not stop my attractions.
I am no gender expert but I hope I made you feel better.
I live to make other people happy. This is a very feminine trait—probably related to maternal instincts.
That’s great that you can be so clear about a goal like that! I am not sure what I live for, I like making people happy but I also like trying to encourage them to experience new things.
I have never been as aggressive as I want to be. [...]
If I behave too aggressively it makes me feel very uncomfortable so I kind of understand what you mean. When I’m aggressive, like when playing a competitive game, there’s always a certain playfulness to it that reminds me it’s all in fun. I think this is what let’s me be aggressive without feeling uncomfortable; the knowledge that everyone else knows I would never seriously be aggressive.
I am no gender expert but I hope I made you feel better.
You did. : ) And I’m still trying to figure out my sexuality but I’m probably some form of pansexual too.
That’s great that you can be so clear about a goal like that! I am not sure what I live for, I like making people happy but I also like trying to encourage them to experience new things.
Well… do you think encouraging them to experience new things is likely to make them happy?
I think this is what let’s me be aggressive without feeling uncomfortable; the knowledge that everyone else knows I would never seriously be aggressive.
For me, it’s just tiring. I want to be making people happy, not competing and winning. I like doing things that are awesome, and I like doing things that are challenging. But I don’t enjoy defeating people. I can get angry enough that I’m able to be very aggressive and not feel drained by it, but I almost never get that angry.
You did. : )
Oh good!
And I’m still trying to figure out my sexuality but I’m probably some form of pansexual too.
Well… do you think encouraging them to experience new things is likely to make them happy?
Yes, and I wouldn’t do it if I thought it would make them sad, but, I don’t do it just because it makes them happy. I feel I can understand a person more deeply if I am with them as they react to new situations; it makes them feel more human to me and increases my ability to empathize.
For me, it’s just tiring. I want to be making people happy, not competing and winning. I like doing things that are awesome, and I like doing things that are challenging. But I don’t enjoy defeating people
The more I reflect on them, the more complicated my feelings on competition and winning seem to be… I want to be valuable to other people and accomplishment proves that I have the necessary ability; for example, if I do well on an assignment relative to my classmates then they will ask me to help them in the future.
But I also feel like there are competing forces within me. Winning leads to praise which helps me with insecurity but this bothers me; I want to be at peace with myself so I can focus on other people. If I won and it didn’t make anybody like me, I would just feel empty. I know other people can value for me for who I am rather than what I can do, and it is really important to me to learn how to accept this.
As for whether any of this is masculine or feminine I don’t know… I’m mostly happy with how I am inside, but often not happy with how I express it. I do love feeling at peace, and so want to recover from my insecurities.
I have I have!
flies over and says something to Eliezer
Absolutely not! It just means Eliezer is working from a biased sample and therefore his perceptions should not be taken as scientific fact.
I am sorry you’re having such problems, Liza. I kind of relate because I didn’t even believe in gender for a long time. Then I realized that there were a few things about me that I had never accepted and couldn’t seem to change:
I live to make other people happy. This is a very feminine trait—probably related to maternal instincts.
I have never been as aggressive as I want to be. I force myself to be aggressive when life demands it, and I’m very proud of this—but the fact that I have to force myself and that I feel proud of it are signs that I’m not naturally aggressive. Men often have a natural aggression that … actually allows them to have fun while being aggressive. I don’t get that, and I want to, but I don’t.
I hope you have encountered alternative gender labels like “genderqueer”. You do not need to choose between male and female! There are even more options. You can also be N/A, gender apathetic, not believe in gender, or make up a new gender term and define your gender for yourself. Not saying everyplace will always have a drop down for that, but there’s no reason you can’t do something other than pick “male” or “female”.
There’s a TED talk on gender (I forgot the exact ted.com URL but it shouldn’t be too hard to find with the search) that explains that human bodies can have soooo many variations when it comes to gender that there are hundreds of combinations and sometimes people can have both male and female parts and not realize it because they are internal. The video makes a pretty good case that our binary gender concept is a false dichotomy.
If I was you, I’d feel comforted to know that there are some who are attracted to people regardless of their gender. I am one of them. And I don’t just mean that there are bi people who date the binary “men” and “women”. There are also pansexual people who will date people of any gender (genderqueer, gender N/A, etc.) or most of them. I call my orientation “sapiosexual” because my attractions are to minds—physique and gender do not stop my attractions.
I am no gender expert but I hope I made you feel better.
That’s great that you can be so clear about a goal like that! I am not sure what I live for, I like making people happy but I also like trying to encourage them to experience new things.
If I behave too aggressively it makes me feel very uncomfortable so I kind of understand what you mean. When I’m aggressive, like when playing a competitive game, there’s always a certain playfulness to it that reminds me it’s all in fun. I think this is what let’s me be aggressive without feeling uncomfortable; the knowledge that everyone else knows I would never seriously be aggressive.
You did. : ) And I’m still trying to figure out my sexuality but I’m probably some form of pansexual too.
Well… do you think encouraging them to experience new things is likely to make them happy?
For me, it’s just tiring. I want to be making people happy, not competing and winning. I like doing things that are awesome, and I like doing things that are challenging. But I don’t enjoy defeating people. I can get angry enough that I’m able to be very aggressive and not feel drained by it, but I almost never get that angry.
Oh good!
Cool. (:
Yes, and I wouldn’t do it if I thought it would make them sad, but, I don’t do it just because it makes them happy. I feel I can understand a person more deeply if I am with them as they react to new situations; it makes them feel more human to me and increases my ability to empathize.
The more I reflect on them, the more complicated my feelings on competition and winning seem to be… I want to be valuable to other people and accomplishment proves that I have the necessary ability; for example, if I do well on an assignment relative to my classmates then they will ask me to help them in the future.
But I also feel like there are competing forces within me. Winning leads to praise which helps me with insecurity but this bothers me; I want to be at peace with myself so I can focus on other people. If I won and it didn’t make anybody like me, I would just feel empty. I know other people can value for me for who I am rather than what I can do, and it is really important to me to learn how to accept this.
As for whether any of this is masculine or feminine I don’t know… I’m mostly happy with how I am inside, but often not happy with how I express it. I do love feeling at peace, and so want to recover from my insecurities.