I need some advice. I recently moved to a city and I don’t know how to stop myself from giving money to strangers! I consider this charity to be questionable and, at the very least, inefficient. But when someone gets my attention and asks me specifically for a certain amount of money and tells me about themselves, I won’t refuse. I don’t even feel annoyed that it happened, but I do want to have it not happen again. What can I do?
The obvious precommitment to make is to never carry cash. I am strongly considering this and could probably do so, but it is nice to be able to have at least enough for a bus trip, a quick lunch or for some emergency. I have tried to give myself a running tally of number of people refused and when that gets to, say, 20, I would donate something to a known legitimate charity. While doing so makes me feel better about passing beggars by, it doesn’t help once someone gets me one-on-one. So I’ve never gotten to that tally without resetting it first by succumbing to someone. Is there some way to not look like an easy mark? Are there any good standard pieces of advice and resources for this?
However, I always find these exchanges to be really fascinating from the point of view of the Dark Arts used. The most recent time this happened, I was stopped and asked for the time which he promptly ignored. Then he told me that he had seen me around before—this is entirely plausible since I walk by there most days but is also likely to be true of a randomly selected person so could just be a shot in the dark. He shook my hand multiple times. Gave me his name and told me to call him by his nickname. He told me about being a veteran, talked to me about any veterans I knew. Tried to guess my current job and messed up in a way that implied I was younger than I am which was probably his only significant mistake as that could have annoyed some people. He then acted impressed when I corrected him. Asked where I was from and then said he had an acquaintance from nearby. Then of course he asked for train ride money which started at 8 dollars and ended up being 23.
I could practically check off the chapters of Cialdini’s Influence one-by-one on this list and noticed at least two of these tactics while they were being used. Unfortunately, Cialdini’s book has laughable excuses for sections on “Defense Against” said dark arts, rarely saying anything more than “just use the fact that they’re using these tricks against them since now you know better!” So, here I am, knowing the nature of my foe and yet still being utterly dragged in by it.
assume that they’re scamming. It will often be true and even when honest giving money to panhandlers is an inefficient use of charity. Remind yourself that you already have a budget for charity and that you’re sending it to givewell or MIRI or whatever.
However, I always find these exchanges to be really fascinating from the point of view of the Dark Arts used. The most recent time this happened, I was stopped and asked for the time which he promptly ignored. Then he told me that he had seen me around before—this is entirely plausible since I walk by there most days but is also likely to be true of a randomly selected person so could just be a shot in the dark. He shook my hand multiple times. Gave me his name and told me to call him by his nickname. He told me about being a veteran, talked to me about any veterans I knew. Tried to guess my current job and messed up in a way that implied I was younger than I am which was probably his only significant mistake as that could have annoyed some people. He then acted impressed when I corrected him. Asked where I was from and then said he had an acquaintance from nearby. Then of course he asked for train ride money which started at 8 dollars and ended up being 23.
I could practically check off the chapters of Cialdini’s Influence one-by-one on this list and noticed at least two of these tactics while they were being used. Unfortunately, Cialdini’s book has laughable excuses for sections on “Defense Against” said dark arts, rarely saying anything more than “just use the fact that they’re using these tricks against them since now you know better!” So, here I am, knowing the nature of my foe and yet still being utterly dragged in by it.
And yet people here are still surprised that gatekeepers could lose at the AI box game.
Keep your head up and your back straight, look towards the horizon, walk with a certain pace.
Avoid the places with high density of scammers, if you can. (For example in my city it would around the train station.)
The most recent time this happened, I was stopped and asked for the time which he promptly ignored.
Did you notice immediately that the person is lying to you (pretending to care about time, but actually not caring), therefore you have no social obligation to interact with them?
I keep an attitude that if someone is manipulating me like this, I owe them nothing socially… I give myself permission to just walk away without any explanation or interaction, or to lie to them (even in a very transparrent manner: “sorry, I don’t have any money”; they did it first, so they have no right to complain). Saying “sorry, I am in a hurry” and walking away without looking at them should work in most cases (and is even socially acceptable if you care about that aspect).
More meta, I have problem giving you good advice, because I have no idea why do you behave this way. I don’t know what precisely happens in your head during the interaction, which is why I can’t be specific about which parts of that you need to change (because it starts in the head). It is an interaction: they are playing their parts of the script, you are playing your part. The key is to stop playing your part (because obviously, they have no motivation to stop playing theirs).
Is it difficult for you to realize that you are being scammed? Or do you suspect this, but you don’t feel certain about your judgement? Or are you pretty sure about your judgement, but you don’t know how to stop the interaction without… feeling bad about yourself? Seems to me the last one is more likely. If that is true, please explain the details. Do you believe you should feel bad about yourself for not giving money to strangers (because you imagine some person would consider you bad)? Would you also feel guilty about stopping a thief from taking your wallet? Where is the difference? Can you write the words that go in your head and keep you cooperating in the scenario you described?
It just, you know, feels like yes they could use this money more than I could. I know that there’s a good chance they’re lying, but they’re lying to spice it up but probably do need this for one reason or another. It’s not entirely rational choice, I admit, but it always seems like a rather minor favor that really won’t hurt me much this time. It’s just that it happens far too frequently for my own comfort that I consider it a problem. I don’t even feel bad about having given them the money, even in retrospect. I just know that I can’t give everyone money who asks for it and that by conceding I’m encouraging even more of this exploitation. (But neither do I think I get a significant ‘warm fuzzies’ feeling for giving as it seems to be cancelled by the “what am I doing?” in the back of my head.)
I guess that EY’s tale here about holding open doors and letting people know they left the car trunk open is why I keep doing this. If I modify myself to completely ignore these little things… what will I lose? Can I really just not ever give anyone the time? What about all those times when they really did just need to know the time, or wanted to charge their phone, or whatever? Those happen, probably more often than times when they’re just tricks for scammers. That’s why I was looking at solutions like not carrying cash—a way that I can not ignore it but still can’t fall for it.
For the record, this was the first time I’ve given out more than a dollar or two. My original post has probably made it seem like I do this more often and more egregiously than I do, partly because I was carried away by that particular exchange and partly because prior to moving this never happened so anything seems like a lot.
Edit: In fact, now I can think of at least one situation in which I had to ask strangers for some quarters in order to be able to pay to park and catch my train. The only difference in this situation being that I obviously had money on me and just didn’t expect their to be automated pay booths taking only quarters. And in retrospect I had some quarters in the car I could have gotten. But regardless, there is value in having people be generally kind to strangers. And I don’t think I looked particularly less like a scammer than the last guy who got me, nor was I in a less scam-likely place (possibly the opposite).
An idea: Next time try to estimate how much money such person makes. As a rough estimate, divide the money you gave them by the length of your interaction. (To get a more precise estimate, you would have to follow them and observe how much other people give them, but that could be pretty dangerous for you.)
Years ago I made a similar estimate for a beggar on a street (people dropped money to his cap, so it was easy to stand nearby, watch for a few minutes and calculate), and the conclusion was that his income was above average for my country.
By the way, these people destroy a lot of social capital by their actions. They make life more difficult for people who genuinely want to ask for the time, or how to get somewhere, or similar things. They condition people against having small talk with people they don’t know. -- So if you value people being generally kind to strangers, remember that these scammers make their money by destroying that value.
feels like yes they could use this money more than I could
it feels like it, but it’s wrong. And you are actively making the situation worse. Better melt your cash and burn your bills. These people could use food, shelter and some skills to earn an honest living. There are charitable organizations providing these services, find the best ones and donate to them. Next time you give a dollar to a beggar, think of how your selfish feel-good act makes the world a worse place to live.
I guess that EY’s tale here about holding open doors and letting people know they left the car trunk open is why I keep doing this. If I modify myself to completely ignore these little things… what will I lose? Can I really just not ever give anyone the time? What about all those times when they really did just need to know the time, or wanted to charge their phone, or whatever?
People don’t leave their car trunks open for deception unless they’re kidnappers. If you can’t tell if people are lying or not, please just ignore them. Otherwise you’re encouraging the dishonest ones to harass other people too.
I’ll be willing to help out if I hear anything other than a request for money, or if I see an obvious problem I can help with (like a cyclist with a flat tire when I have a patch kit in my pocket). I just categorically don’t allow “kindness to strangers” to translate to “giving money to strangers,” and as soon as money comes up I say I’m broke (which is not true, but not that far from it either), figuratively close my ears, and walk away.
I suppose it helps that most panhandlers in my area have signs. Most non-sign-carriers who approach me want directions or some such. Maybe I just look like a bad scam target though.
I hate feeling I have to walk by a person pandhandling and not respond at all—it makes me feel like a bad person. I had been told not to make eye contact unless you’re going to give money, but I’ve recently changed my strategy and started smiling before giving my standard, “no, sorry” to the request for cash. Recently I flashed a smile as I strode by a man on the sidewalk. He smiled back and said, “God bless you for that smile.” It felt like we connected, which is what people are generally going for when they give money (unless it’s just to avoid feeling guilty).
Let me suggest a world view which is much less negative than the other replies: I view panhandlers as vendors of warm fuzzies and therefore treat them as I would any other street vendor whose product I am most likely not interested in. In particular, I have no reason to be hostile to them, or to be disrespectful of their trade.
If they engage me politely, I smile and say “No thanks.” I think the second word there is helpful to my mindset and also makes their day a little better. If they become hostile or unpleasant, I feel no guilt about ignoring them; they have given me good reason to suspect their fuzzies are of low quality. If they have a particularly amusing approach, and I feel like treating myself, I give them money. (EG The woman who offered to bet me a dollar that she could “knock down this wall”, gesturing at a nearby brick building. It was obviously a setup, but it was worth paying a dollar to learn the punchline, and she delivered it well.)
I developed this mindset while living in Berkeley, CA near Telegraph and walking everywhere, which I suspect means that I was encountering panhandlers at a rate about as high as anyone in the first world.
I also, of course, contribute significant portions of money to charities which can do a lot more good with it. If you are looking for a charity which specifically aids people in a situation similar to the ones you are refusing, you may want to consider the HOPE program http://www.thehopeprogram.org/ . In 2007, Givewell said about them “For donors looking to help extremely disadvantaged adults obtain relatively low-paying jobs, we recommend HOPE.” http://www.givewell.org/united-states/charities/HOPE-Program . There is an argument (and Givewell makes it) that helping extremely disadvantaged adults in the first world obtain relatively low-paying jobs is so much harder than helping poor people in the third world that it should not be attempted. Without taking a side on that, if you feel guilty that you are not helping extremely disadvantaged adults in the first world, contributing to the HOPE project would do more to actually address this issue than giving to panhandlers.
I was cured after I naively gave money to a street beggar, and was pursued for more money, to the point that I felt threatened.
My usual procedure in the US is to actively pretend that beggars, and those who look like them, don’t exist. Phil Collins wouldn’t like it, but after that occasion and one or two like it, I feel scared. I truly admire a certain friend who can chit-chat on a friendly basis with a street person.
As I got older and more confident, I developed other practices:
Someone asked for money for food, so I handed her a bag of fancy chocolate almonds I had in my hand. She looked like that wasn’t what she was expecting.
In a friendly way, I told a collector for some ineffective charity that, in honor of his request, I would give 100 NIS more than usual to my regular charity, but not his. Chutzpah.
When a collector for some ineffective charity comes up to me, I solicit him, in a friendly way, to give money to my favorite charity before he has a chance to ask. Once I got 1 NIS this way, so I felt obliged to give him a (different) shekel. I then had fun ceremonially taking that 1 NIS coin to the treasurer, along with my usual donation.
Once I asked a phone collector for some ineffective charity, in a friendly way, to decide on my behalf: Should I give 100 NIS to a certain truly worthy cause, or deny it to that worthy cause and give it to her charity. She got quite tangled up trying to answer.
In short, I became a little obnoxious. The fact that I regularly give a good amount to charity is probably what gave me the psychological leeway to do this.
(And I wouldn’t do any of that to a more-or-less worthy charity, or if a friend asked.)
I truly admire a certain friend who can chit-chat on a friendly basis with a street person.
A few months ago I was with a co-worker in the centre of a foreign capital, waiting for some other people, and some guy approached us offering to sell us some marijuana. I told him “I quitted smoking five years ago” and we kept talking about that for about half a minute before he left.
My co-worker was very annoyed that I didn’t just ignore the guy.
When a collector for some ineffective charity comes up to me, I solicit him, in a friendly way, to give money to my favorite charity before he has a chance to ask. One I got 1 NIS this way, so I felt obliged to give him a (different) shekel.
Remind yourself that the panhandler is defecting (in the Prisoner’s Dilemma sense) by putting you in that situation. Remind yourself that they are actively and premeditatedly manipulating you through a set of known exploitable psychological levers. There is a strain of Dark Arts to this advice, because you are choosing to preemptively deflect your empathy with a feeling of defensiveness. It is nonetheless true that the panhandler is being rude, definitionally, and that you are being tricked.
The obvious precommitment to make is to never carry cash.
I’m terribly sorry for my strong reaction but this whole post reeks of abuser attracting vulnerability so much that it’s making me angry. It’s not difficult to imagine beggars can sense you a mile away.
What the hell? People are robbing your time in the street and lying to your face to get your money too, and you are considering to inconvenience your own life to accommodate them? Just learn to tell a white lie like the rest of humanity, it doesn’t even matter if you do it badly in a case like this. All you need is an attitude change, not a bag of tricks.
I’m going to appeal to your altruism. You’re making lying for money profitable. When you give away your hard earned money it doesn’t hurt just you or the potential charities.
I’m not sure what makes me so angry about this… it just seems that submissiveness seems to be a relatively common failure mode for otherwise smart people.
ETA: in Europe, begging is highly organized so you would likely be financing organized crime.
ETA2:
Then he told me that he had seen me around before—this is entirely plausible since I walk by there most days … Is there some way to not look like an easy mark?
Yes, stop giving money to these people. Of course they recognize you, it’s their job.
It seems like your problem might be too in having much empathy for strangers, which (at least when dealing with panhandlers) shouldn’t theoretically be too hard to deal with. If you cultivate a mindset of viewing beggars as parasites and degenerates you ought to be able to resist any impulses of sympathy which come up, especially since you already know that you’re not helping them and many are in fact con-artists. It shouldn’t really affect your other charity giving much either, since my understanding is that EA mostly focuses on giving medical aid to foreigners rather than dealing with poverty in areas with high costs of living like American cities.
On the other hand, it’s very possible empathy isn’t your real problem here. The feeling of gratitude (even faux-gratitude) and generosity from handing a few bucks to a hobo is a big rush; I certainly get more utility out of my spare change that way than I ever would buying junk food with it. If that’s your issue than it might be smart to do what you’re doing now and poison the good feeling by re-framing it as something shameful.
Don’t turn your head in their direction. Don’t change your pace. Don’t make eye contact. It gets easier.
Does your city have transit passes or RFID stored-value cards? It may be possible for you to be prepared to take the bus without carrying cash. As for lunch, is it uncommon for restaurants in your area to accept credit cards?
If you feel bad about lying (given that it’s not a good idea to give money to panhandlers, you shouldn’t), take a note of how much money you would have given them and donate double that to your nearest food bank/shelter. There, now you actually helped them.
Others have recommended keeping your eyes away from them, I’ll add the possibility of wearing headphones and sunglasses to give you plausible deniability which will probably make you feel better psychologically even though it should have no impact.
Another idea is you could keep a few quarters in your pocket and just give them a quarter from your pocket as quickly as you can, then at least you are limiting the damage to a trivial amount. I have never tried this idea.
I need some advice. I recently moved to a city and I don’t know how to stop myself from giving money to strangers! I consider this charity to be questionable and, at the very least, inefficient. But when someone gets my attention and asks me specifically for a certain amount of money and tells me about themselves, I won’t refuse. I don’t even feel annoyed that it happened, but I do want to have it not happen again. What can I do?
The obvious precommitment to make is to never carry cash. I am strongly considering this and could probably do so, but it is nice to be able to have at least enough for a bus trip, a quick lunch or for some emergency. I have tried to give myself a running tally of number of people refused and when that gets to, say, 20, I would donate something to a known legitimate charity. While doing so makes me feel better about passing beggars by, it doesn’t help once someone gets me one-on-one. So I’ve never gotten to that tally without resetting it first by succumbing to someone. Is there some way to not look like an easy mark? Are there any good standard pieces of advice and resources for this?
However, I always find these exchanges to be really fascinating from the point of view of the Dark Arts used. The most recent time this happened, I was stopped and asked for the time which he promptly ignored. Then he told me that he had seen me around before—this is entirely plausible since I walk by there most days but is also likely to be true of a randomly selected person so could just be a shot in the dark. He shook my hand multiple times. Gave me his name and told me to call him by his nickname. He told me about being a veteran, talked to me about any veterans I knew. Tried to guess my current job and messed up in a way that implied I was younger than I am which was probably his only significant mistake as that could have annoyed some people. He then acted impressed when I corrected him. Asked where I was from and then said he had an acquaintance from nearby. Then of course he asked for train ride money which started at 8 dollars and ended up being 23.
I could practically check off the chapters of Cialdini’s Influence one-by-one on this list and noticed at least two of these tactics while they were being used. Unfortunately, Cialdini’s book has laughable excuses for sections on “Defense Against” said dark arts, rarely saying anything more than “just use the fact that they’re using these tricks against them since now you know better!” So, here I am, knowing the nature of my foe and yet still being utterly dragged in by it.
The basic answer is not to talk to these people.
Do not answer questions about what time it is, do not enter any conversations at all. At most say “sorry” and walk on.
Just. Do. Not. Talk. To. Them.
assume that they’re scamming. It will often be true and even when honest giving money to panhandlers is an inefficient use of charity. Remind yourself that you already have a budget for charity and that you’re sending it to givewell or MIRI or whatever.
And yet people here are still surprised that gatekeepers could lose at the AI box game.
Keep your head up and your back straight, look towards the horizon, walk with a certain pace.
Avoid the places with high density of scammers, if you can. (For example in my city it would around the train station.)
Did you notice immediately that the person is lying to you (pretending to care about time, but actually not caring), therefore you have no social obligation to interact with them?
I keep an attitude that if someone is manipulating me like this, I owe them nothing socially… I give myself permission to just walk away without any explanation or interaction, or to lie to them (even in a very transparrent manner: “sorry, I don’t have any money”; they did it first, so they have no right to complain). Saying “sorry, I am in a hurry” and walking away without looking at them should work in most cases (and is even socially acceptable if you care about that aspect).
More meta, I have problem giving you good advice, because I have no idea why do you behave this way. I don’t know what precisely happens in your head during the interaction, which is why I can’t be specific about which parts of that you need to change (because it starts in the head). It is an interaction: they are playing their parts of the script, you are playing your part. The key is to stop playing your part (because obviously, they have no motivation to stop playing theirs).
Is it difficult for you to realize that you are being scammed? Or do you suspect this, but you don’t feel certain about your judgement? Or are you pretty sure about your judgement, but you don’t know how to stop the interaction without… feeling bad about yourself? Seems to me the last one is more likely. If that is true, please explain the details. Do you believe you should feel bad about yourself for not giving money to strangers (because you imagine some person would consider you bad)? Would you also feel guilty about stopping a thief from taking your wallet? Where is the difference? Can you write the words that go in your head and keep you cooperating in the scenario you described?
It just, you know, feels like yes they could use this money more than I could. I know that there’s a good chance they’re lying, but they’re lying to spice it up but probably do need this for one reason or another. It’s not entirely rational choice, I admit, but it always seems like a rather minor favor that really won’t hurt me much this time. It’s just that it happens far too frequently for my own comfort that I consider it a problem. I don’t even feel bad about having given them the money, even in retrospect. I just know that I can’t give everyone money who asks for it and that by conceding I’m encouraging even more of this exploitation. (But neither do I think I get a significant ‘warm fuzzies’ feeling for giving as it seems to be cancelled by the “what am I doing?” in the back of my head.)
I guess that EY’s tale here about holding open doors and letting people know they left the car trunk open is why I keep doing this. If I modify myself to completely ignore these little things… what will I lose? Can I really just not ever give anyone the time? What about all those times when they really did just need to know the time, or wanted to charge their phone, or whatever? Those happen, probably more often than times when they’re just tricks for scammers. That’s why I was looking at solutions like not carrying cash—a way that I can not ignore it but still can’t fall for it.
For the record, this was the first time I’ve given out more than a dollar or two. My original post has probably made it seem like I do this more often and more egregiously than I do, partly because I was carried away by that particular exchange and partly because prior to moving this never happened so anything seems like a lot.
Edit: In fact, now I can think of at least one situation in which I had to ask strangers for some quarters in order to be able to pay to park and catch my train. The only difference in this situation being that I obviously had money on me and just didn’t expect their to be automated pay booths taking only quarters. And in retrospect I had some quarters in the car I could have gotten. But regardless, there is value in having people be generally kind to strangers. And I don’t think I looked particularly less like a scammer than the last guy who got me, nor was I in a less scam-likely place (possibly the opposite).
An idea: Next time try to estimate how much money such person makes. As a rough estimate, divide the money you gave them by the length of your interaction. (To get a more precise estimate, you would have to follow them and observe how much other people give them, but that could be pretty dangerous for you.)
Years ago I made a similar estimate for a beggar on a street (people dropped money to his cap, so it was easy to stand nearby, watch for a few minutes and calculate), and the conclusion was that his income was above average for my country.
By the way, these people destroy a lot of social capital by their actions. They make life more difficult for people who genuinely want to ask for the time, or how to get somewhere, or similar things. They condition people against having small talk with people they don’t know. -- So if you value people being generally kind to strangers, remember that these scammers make their money by destroying that value.
it feels like it, but it’s wrong. And you are actively making the situation worse. Better melt your cash and burn your bills. These people could use food, shelter and some skills to earn an honest living. There are charitable organizations providing these services, find the best ones and donate to them. Next time you give a dollar to a beggar, think of how your selfish feel-good act makes the world a worse place to live.
Thanks, this is probably the tact I need to take.
Don’t visit the third world. Ever.
On the contrary, a visit to an actually poor place might give him the context to reevaluate the first world poor.
Too late multiple times over, sorry. Though I haven’t since I was old enough to really have any money on me.
People don’t leave their car trunks open for deception unless they’re kidnappers. If you can’t tell if people are lying or not, please just ignore them. Otherwise you’re encouraging the dishonest ones to harass other people too.
I’ll be willing to help out if I hear anything other than a request for money, or if I see an obvious problem I can help with (like a cyclist with a flat tire when I have a patch kit in my pocket). I just categorically don’t allow “kindness to strangers” to translate to “giving money to strangers,” and as soon as money comes up I say I’m broke (which is not true, but not that far from it either), figuratively close my ears, and walk away.
I suppose it helps that most panhandlers in my area have signs. Most non-sign-carriers who approach me want directions or some such. Maybe I just look like a bad scam target though.
Yes, that’s what I usually do. (Sometimes I give them trivial amounts of money like €0.50 instead.)
Yep… People trying to dishonestly manipulate me trigger a heckuva memetic immune response, akin to refusing an offer in the Ultimatum game.
I hate feeling I have to walk by a person pandhandling and not respond at all—it makes me feel like a bad person. I had been told not to make eye contact unless you’re going to give money, but I’ve recently changed my strategy and started smiling before giving my standard, “no, sorry” to the request for cash. Recently I flashed a smile as I strode by a man on the sidewalk. He smiled back and said, “God bless you for that smile.” It felt like we connected, which is what people are generally going for when they give money (unless it’s just to avoid feeling guilty).
Yvain’s take on all this: http://squid314.livejournal.com/340483.html
This is usually what I do.
Let me suggest a world view which is much less negative than the other replies: I view panhandlers as vendors of warm fuzzies and therefore treat them as I would any other street vendor whose product I am most likely not interested in. In particular, I have no reason to be hostile to them, or to be disrespectful of their trade.
If they engage me politely, I smile and say “No thanks.” I think the second word there is helpful to my mindset and also makes their day a little better. If they become hostile or unpleasant, I feel no guilt about ignoring them; they have given me good reason to suspect their fuzzies are of low quality. If they have a particularly amusing approach, and I feel like treating myself, I give them money. (EG The woman who offered to bet me a dollar that she could “knock down this wall”, gesturing at a nearby brick building. It was obviously a setup, but it was worth paying a dollar to learn the punchline, and she delivered it well.)
I developed this mindset while living in Berkeley, CA near Telegraph and walking everywhere, which I suspect means that I was encountering panhandlers at a rate about as high as anyone in the first world.
I also, of course, contribute significant portions of money to charities which can do a lot more good with it. If you are looking for a charity which specifically aids people in a situation similar to the ones you are refusing, you may want to consider the HOPE program http://www.thehopeprogram.org/ . In 2007, Givewell said about them “For donors looking to help extremely disadvantaged adults obtain relatively low-paying jobs, we recommend HOPE.” http://www.givewell.org/united-states/charities/HOPE-Program . There is an argument (and Givewell makes it) that helping extremely disadvantaged adults in the first world obtain relatively low-paying jobs is so much harder than helping poor people in the third world that it should not be attempted. Without taking a side on that, if you feel guilty that you are not helping extremely disadvantaged adults in the first world, contributing to the HOPE project would do more to actually address this issue than giving to panhandlers.
I was cured after I naively gave money to a street beggar, and was pursued for more money, to the point that I felt threatened.
My usual procedure in the US is to actively pretend that beggars, and those who look like them, don’t exist. Phil Collins wouldn’t like it, but after that occasion and one or two like it, I feel scared. I truly admire a certain friend who can chit-chat on a friendly basis with a street person.
As I got older and more confident, I developed other practices:
Someone asked for money for food, so I handed her a bag of fancy chocolate almonds I had in my hand. She looked like that wasn’t what she was expecting.
In a friendly way, I told a collector for some ineffective charity that, in honor of his request, I would give 100 NIS more than usual to my regular charity, but not his. Chutzpah.
When a collector for some ineffective charity comes up to me, I solicit him, in a friendly way, to give money to my favorite charity before he has a chance to ask. Once I got 1 NIS this way, so I felt obliged to give him a (different) shekel. I then had fun ceremonially taking that 1 NIS coin to the treasurer, along with my usual donation.
Once I asked a phone collector for some ineffective charity, in a friendly way, to decide on my behalf: Should I give 100 NIS to a certain truly worthy cause, or deny it to that worthy cause and give it to her charity. She got quite tangled up trying to answer.
In short, I became a little obnoxious. The fact that I regularly give a good amount to charity is probably what gave me the psychological leeway to do this.
(And I wouldn’t do any of that to a more-or-less worthy charity, or if a friend asked.)
A few months ago I was with a co-worker in the centre of a foreign capital, waiting for some other people, and some guy approached us offering to sell us some marijuana. I told him “I quitted smoking five years ago” and we kept talking about that for about half a minute before he left.
My co-worker was very annoyed that I didn’t just ignore the guy.
That is freakin’ awesome.
Remind yourself that the panhandler is defecting (in the Prisoner’s Dilemma sense) by putting you in that situation. Remind yourself that they are actively and premeditatedly manipulating you through a set of known exploitable psychological levers. There is a strain of Dark Arts to this advice, because you are choosing to preemptively deflect your empathy with a feeling of defensiveness. It is nonetheless true that the panhandler is being rude, definitionally, and that you are being tricked.
I’m terribly sorry for my strong reaction but this whole post reeks of abuser attracting vulnerability so much that it’s making me angry. It’s not difficult to imagine beggars can sense you a mile away.
What the hell? People are robbing your time in the street and lying to your face to get your money too, and you are considering to inconvenience your own life to accommodate them? Just learn to tell a white lie like the rest of humanity, it doesn’t even matter if you do it badly in a case like this. All you need is an attitude change, not a bag of tricks.
I’m going to appeal to your altruism. You’re making lying for money profitable. When you give away your hard earned money it doesn’t hurt just you or the potential charities.
I’m not sure what makes me so angry about this… it just seems that submissiveness seems to be a relatively common failure mode for otherwise smart people.
ETA: in Europe, begging is highly organized so you would likely be financing organized crime.
ETA2:
Yes, stop giving money to these people. Of course they recognize you, it’s their job.
It seems like your problem might be too in having much empathy for strangers, which (at least when dealing with panhandlers) shouldn’t theoretically be too hard to deal with. If you cultivate a mindset of viewing beggars as parasites and degenerates you ought to be able to resist any impulses of sympathy which come up, especially since you already know that you’re not helping them and many are in fact con-artists. It shouldn’t really affect your other charity giving much either, since my understanding is that EA mostly focuses on giving medical aid to foreigners rather than dealing with poverty in areas with high costs of living like American cities.
On the other hand, it’s very possible empathy isn’t your real problem here. The feeling of gratitude (even faux-gratitude) and generosity from handing a few bucks to a hobo is a big rush; I certainly get more utility out of my spare change that way than I ever would buying junk food with it. If that’s your issue than it might be smart to do what you’re doing now and poison the good feeling by re-framing it as something shameful.
Instead of thinking about stopping giving the money think about stopping giving them the time to tell you a long story.
Don’t turn your head in their direction. Don’t change your pace. Don’t make eye contact. It gets easier.
Does your city have transit passes or RFID stored-value cards? It may be possible for you to be prepared to take the bus without carrying cash. As for lunch, is it uncommon for restaurants in your area to accept credit cards?
“Sorry man, I don’t have cash.”
If you feel bad about lying (given that it’s not a good idea to give money to panhandlers, you shouldn’t), take a note of how much money you would have given them and donate double that to your nearest food bank/shelter. There, now you actually helped them.
Others have recommended keeping your eyes away from them, I’ll add the possibility of wearing headphones and sunglasses to give you plausible deniability which will probably make you feel better psychologically even though it should have no impact.
Another idea is you could keep a few quarters in your pocket and just give them a quarter from your pocket as quickly as you can, then at least you are limiting the damage to a trivial amount. I have never tried this idea.