Strongly agreed. To expand on this—when I see a comment like this:
If I am bluntly told I am wrong (even if I agree, even in private—but especially in public), I will feel attacked (if only at the S1 level), threatened (socially), and become defensive.
The question I have for anyone who says this sort of thing is… do you endorse this reaction? If you do, then don’t hide behind the “social monkey” excuse; honestly declare your endorsement of this reaction, and defend it, on its own merits. Don’t say “I got defensive, as is only natural, what with your tone and all”; say “you attacked me”, and stand behind your words.
But if you don’t endorse this reaction—then deal with it yourself. Clearly, you are aware that you have it; you are aware of the source and nature of your defensiveness. Well, all the better; you should be able, then, to attend to your own involuntary responses. And if you fail to do so—as, being only human, you sometimes (though rarely, one hopes!) will—then the right thing to do is to apologize to your interlocutor: “I know that my defensiveness was irrational, and I regret that it got the better of me, this time; I will endeavor to exercise more self-control, in the future.”
But if you don’t endorse this reaction—then deal with it yourself.
I agree with the above two comments (Vaniver’s and yours) except for a certain connotation of this point. Rejection of own defensiveness does not imply endorsement of insensitivity to tone. I’ve been making this error in modeling others until recently, and I currently cringe at many of my “combative” comments and forum policy suggestions from before 2014 or so. In most cases defensiveness is flat wrong, but so is not optimizing towards keeping the conversation comfortable. It’s tempting to shirk that responsibility in the name of avoiding the danger of compromising the signal with polite distortions. But there is a lot of room for safe optimization in that direction, and making sure people are aware of this is important. “Deal with it yourself” suggests excluding this pressure. Ten years ago, I would have benefitted from it.
To be clear I agree with the benefits of politeness, and also think people probably *underweight* the benefits of politeness because they’re less easy to see. (And, further, there’s a selection effect that people who are ‘rude’ are disproportionately likely to be ones who find politeness unusually costly or difficult to understand, and have less experience with its benefits.)
This is one of the reasons I like an injunction that’s closer to “show the other person how to be polite to you” than “deal with it yourself”; often the person who ‘didn’t see how to word it any other way’ will look at your script and go “oh, I could have written that,” and sometimes you’ll notice that you’re asking them to thread a very narrow needle or are objecting to the core of their message instead of their tone.
I think that’s a good complaint and I’m glad Vaniver pointed it out.
The question I have for anyone who says this sort of thing is… do you endorse this reaction? If you do, then don’t hide behind the “social monkey” excuse; honestly declare your endorsement of this reaction, and defend it, on its own merits. Don’t say “I got defensive, as is only natural, what with your tone and all”; say “you attacked me”, and stand behind your words.
I think this is a very good question. Upon reflection, my answer is that I do endorse it on many occasions (I can’t say that I endorse it on all occasions, especially in the abstract, but many). I think that myself and others find ourselves feeling defensive not merely because of uncleared bucket errors, but because we have been “attacked” to some lesser or greater extent.
You are right, the “social monkey” thing is something of an excuse, arguably born out of perhaps excessive politeness. You offer such an excuse when requesting someone else change in order to be polite, to accept some of the blame for the situation yourself rather than be confrontational and say it’s all them. Trying to paint a way out of conflict where they can save face . (If someone’s behavior already feels uncomfortably confrontational to you and you want to de-escalate, the polite behavior is what comes to mind.)
In truth though, I think that my “monkey brain” (and those of others) pick up on real things: real slights, real hostility, real attempts to do harm. Some are minor, but they’re still real, and it’s fair to push back on them. Some defensiveness is both justified and adaptive.
Upon reflection, my answer is that I do endorse it on many occasions
The salient question is whether it’s a good idea to respond to possible attacks in a direct fashion. Situations that can be classified as attacks (especially in a sense that allows the attacker to remain unaware of this fact) are much more common.
I agree with that. Granting to yourself that you feel legitimately defensive because of a true external attack does not equate to necessarily responding directly (or in any other way). You might say “I am legitimately defensive and it is good my mind caused me to notice the threat”, and then still decide to “suck it up.”
Some defensiveness is both justified and adaptive.
This seems right but tricky. That is, it seems important to distinguish ‘adaptive for my situation’ and ‘adaptive for truth-seeking’ (either as an individual or as a community), and it seems right that hostility or counterattack or so on are sometimes the right tool for individual and community truth-seeking. (Sometimes you are better off if you gag Loki: even though gagging in general is a ‘symmetric weapon,’ gagging of trolls is as asymmetric as your troll-identification system.) Further, there’s this way in which ‘social monkey’-style defenses seem like they made it harder to know (yourself, or have it known in the community) that you have validly identified the person you’re gagging as Loki (because you’ve eroded the asymmetry of your identification system).
It seems like the hoped behavior is something like the follows: Alice gets a vibe that Bob is being non-cooperative, Alice points out an observation that is relevant to Alice’s vibe (“Bob’s tone”) that also could generate the same vibe in others, and then Bob either acts in a reassuring manner (“oh, I didn’t mean to offend you, let me retract the point or state it more carefully”) or in a confronting manner (“I don’t think you should have been offended by that, and your false accusation / tone policing puts you in the wrong”), and then there are three points to track: object-level correctness, whether Bob is being cooperative once Bob’s cooperation has been raised to salience, and whether Alice’s vibe of Bob’s intent was a valid inference.
It seems to me like we can still go through a similar script without making excuses or obfuscating, but it requires some creativity and this might not be the best path to go down.
Strongly agreed. To expand on this—when I see a comment like this:
The question I have for anyone who says this sort of thing is… do you endorse this reaction? If you do, then don’t hide behind the “social monkey” excuse; honestly declare your endorsement of this reaction, and defend it, on its own merits. Don’t say “I got defensive, as is only natural, what with your tone and all”; say “you attacked me”, and stand behind your words.
But if you don’t endorse this reaction—then deal with it yourself. Clearly, you are aware that you have it; you are aware of the source and nature of your defensiveness. Well, all the better; you should be able, then, to attend to your own involuntary responses. And if you fail to do so—as, being only human, you sometimes (though rarely, one hopes!) will—then the right thing to do is to apologize to your interlocutor: “I know that my defensiveness was irrational, and I regret that it got the better of me, this time; I will endeavor to exercise more self-control, in the future.”
I agree with the above two comments (Vaniver’s and yours) except for a certain connotation of this point. Rejection of own defensiveness does not imply endorsement of insensitivity to tone. I’ve been making this error in modeling others until recently, and I currently cringe at many of my “combative” comments and forum policy suggestions from before 2014 or so. In most cases defensiveness is flat wrong, but so is not optimizing towards keeping the conversation comfortable. It’s tempting to shirk that responsibility in the name of avoiding the danger of compromising the signal with polite distortions. But there is a lot of room for safe optimization in that direction, and making sure people are aware of this is important. “Deal with it yourself” suggests excluding this pressure. Ten years ago, I would have benefitted from it.
To be clear I agree with the benefits of politeness, and also think people probably *underweight* the benefits of politeness because they’re less easy to see. (And, further, there’s a selection effect that people who are ‘rude’ are disproportionately likely to be ones who find politeness unusually costly or difficult to understand, and have less experience with its benefits.)
This is one of the reasons I like an injunction that’s closer to “show the other person how to be polite to you” than “deal with it yourself”; often the person who ‘didn’t see how to word it any other way’ will look at your script and go “oh, I could have written that,” and sometimes you’ll notice that you’re asking them to thread a very narrow needle or are objecting to the core of their message instead of their tone.
I think that’s a good complaint and I’m glad Vaniver pointed it out.
I think this is a very good question. Upon reflection, my answer is that I do endorse it on many occasions (I can’t say that I endorse it on all occasions, especially in the abstract, but many). I think that myself and others find ourselves feeling defensive not merely because of uncleared bucket errors, but because we have been “attacked” to some lesser or greater extent.
You are right, the “social monkey” thing is something of an excuse, arguably born out of perhaps excessive politeness. You offer such an excuse when requesting someone else change in order to be polite, to accept some of the blame for the situation yourself rather than be confrontational and say it’s all them. Trying to paint a way out of conflict where they can save face . (If someone’s behavior already feels uncomfortably confrontational to you and you want to de-escalate, the polite behavior is what comes to mind.)
In truth though, I think that my “monkey brain” (and those of others) pick up on real things: real slights, real hostility, real attempts to do harm. Some are minor, but they’re still real, and it’s fair to push back on them. Some defensiveness is both justified and adaptive.
The salient question is whether it’s a good idea to respond to possible attacks in a direct fashion. Situations that can be classified as attacks (especially in a sense that allows the attacker to remain unaware of this fact) are much more common.
I agree with that. Granting to yourself that you feel legitimately defensive because of a true external attack does not equate to necessarily responding directly (or in any other way). You might say “I am legitimately defensive and it is good my mind caused me to notice the threat”, and then still decide to “suck it up.”
This seems right but tricky. That is, it seems important to distinguish ‘adaptive for my situation’ and ‘adaptive for truth-seeking’ (either as an individual or as a community), and it seems right that hostility or counterattack or so on are sometimes the right tool for individual and community truth-seeking. (Sometimes you are better off if you gag Loki: even though gagging in general is a ‘symmetric weapon,’ gagging of trolls is as asymmetric as your troll-identification system.) Further, there’s this way in which ‘social monkey’-style defenses seem like they made it harder to know (yourself, or have it known in the community) that you have validly identified the person you’re gagging as Loki (because you’ve eroded the asymmetry of your identification system).
It seems like the hoped behavior is something like the follows: Alice gets a vibe that Bob is being non-cooperative, Alice points out an observation that is relevant to Alice’s vibe (“Bob’s tone”) that also could generate the same vibe in others, and then Bob either acts in a reassuring manner (“oh, I didn’t mean to offend you, let me retract the point or state it more carefully”) or in a confronting manner (“I don’t think you should have been offended by that, and your false accusation / tone policing puts you in the wrong”), and then there are three points to track: object-level correctness, whether Bob is being cooperative once Bob’s cooperation has been raised to salience, and whether Alice’s vibe of Bob’s intent was a valid inference.
It seems to me like we can still go through a similar script without making excuses or obfuscating, but it requires some creativity and this might not be the best path to go down.
That is pretty much my picture. I agree completely about the trickiness of it all.
At some point I’d be curious to know your thoughts on the other potential paths.