If you’re honest and say, “Your breasts are too small,” the person in question might seek a guy who likes smaller breasts next time. Or she might fall into a deep self-loathing in which she believes that her body is imperfect and nobody could be attracted to her, thus sabotaging her own future potential relationships. Or she could run out and get breast implants, even though she doesn’t really want them, in hopes that you / other future guys will find her more attractive—which is much more expensive and possibly less rewarding than simply finding people who like small breasts.
In my view it’s better to keep it vague. Guessing over dozens of possible flaws is likely to be less harmful than obsessing over one particular flaw, since it’s difficult to figure out / change whatever possible flaw you think may exist.
(Disclosure: I have been dumped once and did the dumping once. The dumper kept it vague; I kept it specific but lied. I can’t judge how keeping it specific while lying worked, since the person in question was bipolar and therefore not at all a normal test subject. I can judge how keeping it vague went: I obsessed over dozens of flaws for a while, until I found other people who were interested, at which point I decided it was probably just a bad match and nothing really to do with absolute flaws at all. I do not know how a completely honest dumping pans out.)
If you’re honest and say, “Your breasts are too small,” the person in question might seek a guy who likes smaller breasts next time. Or she might fall into a deep self-loathing in which she believes that her body is imperfect and nobody could be attracted to her, thus sabotaging her own future potential relationships.
In which case the honest answer would clearly have in fact been “you are too psychologically unstable, needy and difficult to communicate with honestly”.
That answer isn’t feasible—it’s based on behaviors after the breakup, so they can’t be the cause of the breakup, even if they were present (perhaps in less extreme form) before the breakup.
Also, it’s at least possible that the man would have tolerated the same difficult behavior from a woman with larger breasts—he may have been accurate about his preferences.
What about being accurate about difficult behaviors which are at least theoretically easier to change than basic body features?
I know a woman whose husband had been taking her office supplies, leaving her to think that her memory was seriously erratic. When she found her office supplies in her desk and confronted him about it, he told her off for violating his privacy.
I don’t know whether she mentioned this during the breakup, but would it have been a good idea to do so?
That answer isn’t feasible—it’s based on behaviors after the breakup, so they can’t be the cause of the breakup, even if they were present (perhaps in less extreme form) before the breakup.
Disagree, it is most certainly feasible—and something I would consider a rather wise reason to break up with someone. Being in a position where you can do enormous amounts of permanent psychological damage to someone by telling them they have small breasts is not a good place to be.
Psychological vulnerability insecurity and a tendency toward self loathing are traits of a person (in the medium term) and are not impossible to predict. When you are breaking up with someone for this reason you are not obliged to wait until they actually spiral into self loathing so you can justify your decision.
The very decision to refrain from telling someone that you are breaking up with them because they have small breasts is based off their predicted response. So it is clearly just as possible to make the same prediction and have it influence your decision to break up with them because of their psychological fragility.
What about being accurate about difficult behaviors which are at least theoretically easier to change than basic body features?
That sounds like a very good idea all else being equal. Focusing on what you can change is usually the best strategy and providing others with information about what they can change is probably going to be more useful.
I know a woman whose husband had been taking her office supplies, leaving her to think that her memory was seriously erratic. When she found her office supplies in her desk and confronted him about it, he told her off for violating his privacy.
Wow, that guy is a dick!
I don’t know whether she mentioned this during the breakup, but would it have been a good idea to do so?
I don’t see anything in it for her and nor do I see why she should feel any need to do things for his benefit. Do kind things for people who aren’t dicks.
My response in that situation would be to make no particularly extravagant reaction at the time of the incident, calmly make all the relevant preparations such as hiring a divorce lawyer and finding another place to live then break up via having someone else serve him a divorce notice. But I think most other people may be a little less extravagant in their responses (and less practical). My strategy when breaking up with a spouse for reasons like their diminished attractiveness or excessive more justifiable conflict would be entirely different and much more social.
I don’t see anything in it for her and nor do I see why she should feel any need to do things for his benefit. Do kind things for people who aren’t dicks.
If he’s capable of eventually acquiring a clue, this is also kindness to the people he’ll be dealing with later on. I don’t know whether the cost to her is worth the possible benefit.
In which case the honest answer would clearly have in fact been “you are too psychologically unstable, needy and difficult to communicate with honestly”.
That’s a very big one for me. Someone who can’t handle the truth is not someone for me.
I think you’re assuming too rational a partner.
If you’re honest and say, “Your breasts are too small,” the person in question might seek a guy who likes smaller breasts next time. Or she might fall into a deep self-loathing in which she believes that her body is imperfect and nobody could be attracted to her, thus sabotaging her own future potential relationships. Or she could run out and get breast implants, even though she doesn’t really want them, in hopes that you / other future guys will find her more attractive—which is much more expensive and possibly less rewarding than simply finding people who like small breasts.
In my view it’s better to keep it vague. Guessing over dozens of possible flaws is likely to be less harmful than obsessing over one particular flaw, since it’s difficult to figure out / change whatever possible flaw you think may exist.
(Disclosure: I have been dumped once and did the dumping once. The dumper kept it vague; I kept it specific but lied. I can’t judge how keeping it specific while lying worked, since the person in question was bipolar and therefore not at all a normal test subject. I can judge how keeping it vague went: I obsessed over dozens of flaws for a while, until I found other people who were interested, at which point I decided it was probably just a bad match and nothing really to do with absolute flaws at all. I do not know how a completely honest dumping pans out.)
In which case the honest answer would clearly have in fact been “you are too psychologically unstable, needy and difficult to communicate with honestly”.
That answer isn’t feasible—it’s based on behaviors after the breakup, so they can’t be the cause of the breakup, even if they were present (perhaps in less extreme form) before the breakup.
Also, it’s at least possible that the man would have tolerated the same difficult behavior from a woman with larger breasts—he may have been accurate about his preferences.
What about being accurate about difficult behaviors which are at least theoretically easier to change than basic body features?
I know a woman whose husband had been taking her office supplies, leaving her to think that her memory was seriously erratic. When she found her office supplies in her desk and confronted him about it, he told her off for violating his privacy.
I don’t know whether she mentioned this during the breakup, but would it have been a good idea to do so?
That’s called gaslighting.
I haven’t seen a wikipedia article look more like it belongs on tvtropes!
TVTropes has its own page on the subject.
Disagree, it is most certainly feasible—and something I would consider a rather wise reason to break up with someone. Being in a position where you can do enormous amounts of permanent psychological damage to someone by telling them they have small breasts is not a good place to be.
Psychological vulnerability insecurity and a tendency toward self loathing are traits of a person (in the medium term) and are not impossible to predict. When you are breaking up with someone for this reason you are not obliged to wait until they actually spiral into self loathing so you can justify your decision.
The very decision to refrain from telling someone that you are breaking up with them because they have small breasts is based off their predicted response. So it is clearly just as possible to make the same prediction and have it influence your decision to break up with them because of their psychological fragility.
That sounds like a very good idea all else being equal. Focusing on what you can change is usually the best strategy and providing others with information about what they can change is probably going to be more useful.
Wow, that guy is a dick!
I don’t see anything in it for her and nor do I see why she should feel any need to do things for his benefit. Do kind things for people who aren’t dicks.
My response in that situation would be to make no particularly extravagant reaction at the time of the incident, calmly make all the relevant preparations such as hiring a divorce lawyer and finding another place to live then break up via having someone else serve him a divorce notice. But I think most other people may be a little less extravagant in their responses (and less practical). My strategy when breaking up with a spouse for reasons like their diminished attractiveness or excessive more justifiable conflict would be entirely different and much more social.
If he’s capable of eventually acquiring a clue, this is also kindness to the people he’ll be dealing with later on. I don’t know whether the cost to her is worth the possible benefit.
That’s a very big one for me. Someone who can’t handle the truth is not someone for me.