HAMLET. Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not ‘seems.’
The people here are weird, even by the standards of other rationalist communities, which of course are a bunch of big weirdos themselves by the standards of the general population.
If you’re here, you’re a big weirdo by conventional standards. Get over it.
But know that there’s something a lot worse than being a weirdo—forgetting who you are, and trying to be something you’re not. I think I did that. It’s hard to be a weirdo alone. Always cutting against the grain. Never quite feeling understood. The worst is feeling that the best of you is not appreciated.
Harry Browne had a classic pop egoist book, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World. One very good bit of advice. Be who you are, and advertise who you are. Let your natural market come to you, instead of trying package yourself for a market that really doesn’t value you.
Lots of talk about akrasia here. In my case, I’m sure a big part of it was trying to package myself for the approval of others, instead of being and doing what I wanted. How could I possibly have motivation for a life I didn’t actually want?
We are not a Phyg! We are not a Phyg!
Stop worrying about how people with different values see this place, and start worrying about how to connect to people with the same values. Sell to your natural market.
“Want” seems insufficiently reflective, it suggests present opinion on the matter rather than an accurate estimate, whatever that turns out to be, and however well it can be known in practice (which is what I meant). To do as you should is to do the right thing (as opposed to the pebble-sorting thing, say).
To unpack a bit: there is this wanting/liking/approving distinction that already places “wanting” in the wrong corner, but even after that there is a level of reflection distinction between what more explicitly drives your behavior (or evaluation of your behavior) and how you would respond given more time and thought.
Certainly as an overarching strategy, when one considers that others’ opinions and reactions matter, this seems mostly suboptimal.
But in a variety of arenas (for me: amongst colleagues; with romantic partners; when making new friends) this can be extremely effective as an approximation for more ideal strategies such as “have confidence,” “be consistent,” and “demonstrate that you’re having fun.”
I’m pretty weird: when I first meet people I talk about the meaning of beauty in mathematics and problems with academic philosophy; I LARP and play pokemon and half of my T-shirts are references to obscure webcomics.
But when I teach, this gives me funny anecdotes to share with my students. When I date, this gives me confidence and happiness to share. When I study it gives me enthusiasm and keeps smart people interested in me.
So I would say, at the very least, try out the whole “be who you are, loudly and unapologetically” thing and see how it works. Maybe I live in a fantastic fantasy land but it often pays to try things out rather than countersignalling.
I would say it depends a lot on who I am and where I am.
For example… the “weird” behavior cluster you describe (focusing social interaction on academic topics, a fondness for LARPing and webcomics, clothing as a verbal messaging medium) is pretty standard around higher-end tech universities, for example, along with a few other traits (e.g., science-fiction fandom or a fondness for medieval reenactment). Back when I was a college student, I adopted a number of those mannerisms as a way of marking myself part of the “weird” tribe, and gave a number of them up after I graduated when there was no longer any particular benefit to them.
So someone for whom that “weird” cluster happens to express “who they really are” is in the incredibly fortunate position of happening to “really be” a way that has a lot of advantages within a particular subculture. If you haven’t already done so, I recommend becoming involved with that subculture, you will likely find it very affirming. (Science-fiction conventions are a good place to start, if you don’t have any appropriate university campuses near you.)
For people in the less fortunate position of being “weird” in a way that doesn’t have that kind of community support, different strategies can be optimal.
For context, my current companion is not openly gay at work because he (correctly) predicts that it will have a significantly negative net effect on his career, despite whatever social/legal framework exists to prevent that from happening.
So in short, yes, you do live in a fantastic fantasy land where you aren’t heavily punished for being who you are.
I’d say that I would try to enjoy my fantasy land even more due to the people who don’t share my circumstances, but I actually already knew all that and already do.
I hope your companion gets to find his own fantasy land some day.
HAMLET. Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not ‘seems.’
The people here are weird, even by the standards of other rationalist communities, which of course are a bunch of big weirdos themselves by the standards of the general population.
If you’re here, you’re a big weirdo by conventional standards. Get over it.
But know that there’s something a lot worse than being a weirdo—forgetting who you are, and trying to be something you’re not. I think I did that. It’s hard to be a weirdo alone. Always cutting against the grain. Never quite feeling understood. The worst is feeling that the best of you is not appreciated.
Harry Browne had a classic pop egoist book, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World. One very good bit of advice. Be who you are, and advertise who you are. Let your natural market come to you, instead of trying package yourself for a market that really doesn’t value you.
Lots of talk about akrasia here. In my case, I’m sure a big part of it was trying to package myself for the approval of others, instead of being and doing what I wanted. How could I possibly have motivation for a life I didn’t actually want?
We are not a Phyg! We are not a Phyg!
Stop worrying about how people with different values see this place, and start worrying about how to connect to people with the same values. Sell to your natural market.
Be who you are, Loudly and Unapologetically.
Keep your (status quo) identity small, don’t be who you are, strive to be who you should be.
Given the historical usage of “should”, I can’t endorse this. Instead, I’d go with “become who you want to be”.
“Want” seems insufficiently reflective, it suggests present opinion on the matter rather than an accurate estimate, whatever that turns out to be, and however well it can be known in practice (which is what I meant). To do as you should is to do the right thing (as opposed to the pebble-sorting thing, say).
To unpack a bit: there is this wanting/liking/approving distinction that already places “wanting” in the wrong corner, but even after that there is a level of reflection distinction between what more explicitly drives your behavior (or evaluation of your behavior) and how you would respond given more time and thought.
Seems like this is mostly suboptimal.
Certainly as an overarching strategy, when one considers that others’ opinions and reactions matter, this seems mostly suboptimal.
But in a variety of arenas (for me: amongst colleagues; with romantic partners; when making new friends) this can be extremely effective as an approximation for more ideal strategies such as “have confidence,” “be consistent,” and “demonstrate that you’re having fun.”
I’m pretty weird: when I first meet people I talk about the meaning of beauty in mathematics and problems with academic philosophy; I LARP and play pokemon and half of my T-shirts are references to obscure webcomics.
But when I teach, this gives me funny anecdotes to share with my students. When I date, this gives me confidence and happiness to share. When I study it gives me enthusiasm and keeps smart people interested in me.
So I would say, at the very least, try out the whole “be who you are, loudly and unapologetically” thing and see how it works. Maybe I live in a fantastic fantasy land but it often pays to try things out rather than countersignalling.
I would say it depends a lot on who I am and where I am.
For example… the “weird” behavior cluster you describe (focusing social interaction on academic topics, a fondness for LARPing and webcomics, clothing as a verbal messaging medium) is pretty standard around higher-end tech universities, for example, along with a few other traits (e.g., science-fiction fandom or a fondness for medieval reenactment). Back when I was a college student, I adopted a number of those mannerisms as a way of marking myself part of the “weird” tribe, and gave a number of them up after I graduated when there was no longer any particular benefit to them.
So someone for whom that “weird” cluster happens to express “who they really are” is in the incredibly fortunate position of happening to “really be” a way that has a lot of advantages within a particular subculture. If you haven’t already done so, I recommend becoming involved with that subculture, you will likely find it very affirming. (Science-fiction conventions are a good place to start, if you don’t have any appropriate university campuses near you.)
For people in the less fortunate position of being “weird” in a way that doesn’t have that kind of community support, different strategies can be optimal.
For context, my current companion is not openly gay at work because he (correctly) predicts that it will have a significantly negative net effect on his career, despite whatever social/legal framework exists to prevent that from happening.
So in short, yes, you do live in a fantastic fantasy land where you aren’t heavily punished for being who you are.
I’m sorry to hear that.
I’d say that I would try to enjoy my fantasy land even more due to the people who don’t share my circumstances, but I actually already knew all that and already do.
I hope your companion gets to find his own fantasy land some day.