If someone wanted lifetime monogamy, and they got married at a somewhat young age to their first serious romantic partner, and they and their partner were very happy with the relationship for several years, up to and including the present day, what would you expect about this person regarding their relationship skills? Would you guess that they just lucked out, or that they are good at partner selection, or that they are good at relationship maintenance, or all/some/none of those?
If the person attributes their relationship success to very good partner selection skills, would you find that believable?
I am such a person*. I feel very lucky, but we’ve put a lot of thought and effort into our relationship. So a little from column A, and little from column C.
On partner selection, I think Dan Savage nailed it, on finding “the one”: “There ain’t no one. There’s a .67 or a .64 that you round up to one” (Although I think those are conservative numbers—shoot for a .8). More here.
My parents were also such people, and my wife’s parents have been married for a long time. I suspect, as children, we internalize relationship heuristics from our parents, but I doubt there’s anything unlearnable. Although, if these conjectures are true, and both partners are children of failed relationships, it might make it hard to navigate challanges.
Also, I think GabrielDuquette is on to something with “anti-fragile” in his post below.
* - Qualifiers: depends what you mean by “young” and “serious”. Also, we lived together/common-law for 5 years before we were “married.”
Oh, definitely, partner selection is not about finding “the one”. I do have to say, though, that Dan Savage’s outlook is much more “settley” than mine. I also think the .67 is way low, and I can’t relate to what he says about “relationships built on lies” in that video.
Since you bring it up, my parents have a terrible marriage (though they are still together) and my husband’s parents are divorced. His brother also divorced shortly after marrying. My brother had a shotgun wedding and then came close to divorce, but his marriage seems to be ok for now.
FWIW, our siblings’ success/failure ratio is 3⁄4 - I have one sibling who is having a little trouble. He was in an otherwise good relationship, but they had mismatched long-term goals, and couldn’t find a compromise. There’s a lot of variables that have to come together, and I think that’s where luck comes in...
Yeah, that’s pretty much what I hear from most people. I’m so lucky! It can’t be that I put careful thought into it at that young age. Even when people don’t chalk it all up to chance, their first thought is that I have learned to apply good relationship maintenance (they’re less likely to think that the relationship maintenance is my husband’s doing).
Not that relationship maintenance isn’t important, but I really believe that I have a happy marriage because I had a clear idea of what someone well-suited to be my husband would be like. I’m not sure I’d call it luminosity, but it’s along those lines.
As I was starting to hint at with the “luminosity” reference, I think a long habit of introspection helped me to figure out that, yes, marriage is for me. And what particular kinds of marriage are for me. And what sort of spouse would be suited to having that kind of marriage with me. And how I needed to change in order to be a good spouse in return. And which criteria are more crucial than others.
As a teen I was glad to be able to learn from the mistakes of my peers, instead of going through that heartache myself. It seems like not everyone can do this, though? At least, I can think of a few people who always seem to have to touch the hot stove before they learn that it burns.
I was that teenager, too. I didn’t want to date until I had observed enough to do it well. It worked out well—it taught me to love without needing to possess. That’s been a huge life skill for me.
If someone wanted lifetime monogamy, and they got married at a somewhat young age to their first serious romantic partner, and they and their partner were very happy with the relationship for several years, up to and including the present day, what would you expect about this person regarding their relationship skills? Would you guess that they just lucked out, or that they are good at partner selection, or that they are good at relationship maintenance, or all/some/none of those?
If the person attributes their relationship success to very good partner selection skills, would you find that believable?
I am such a person*. I feel very lucky, but we’ve put a lot of thought and effort into our relationship. So a little from column A, and little from column C.
On partner selection, I think Dan Savage nailed it, on finding “the one”: “There ain’t no one. There’s a .67 or a .64 that you round up to one” (Although I think those are conservative numbers—shoot for a .8). More here.
My parents were also such people, and my wife’s parents have been married for a long time. I suspect, as children, we internalize relationship heuristics from our parents, but I doubt there’s anything unlearnable. Although, if these conjectures are true, and both partners are children of failed relationships, it might make it hard to navigate challanges.
Also, I think GabrielDuquette is on to something with “anti-fragile” in his post below.
* - Qualifiers: depends what you mean by “young” and “serious”. Also, we lived together/common-law for 5 years before we were “married.”
What a clever quote? Do you have it in verbatim? I’d like to recite it elsewhere.
Oh, definitely, partner selection is not about finding “the one”. I do have to say, though, that Dan Savage’s outlook is much more “settley” than mine. I also think the .67 is way low, and I can’t relate to what he says about “relationships built on lies” in that video.
Since you bring it up, my parents have a terrible marriage (though they are still together) and my husband’s parents are divorced. His brother also divorced shortly after marrying. My brother had a shotgun wedding and then came close to divorce, but his marriage seems to be ok for now.
Ya, “lies and deceit” seem a bit hyperbolic.
FWIW, our siblings’ success/failure ratio is 3⁄4 - I have one sibling who is having a little trouble. He was in an otherwise good relationship, but they had mismatched long-term goals, and couldn’t find a compromise. There’s a lot of variables that have to come together, and I think that’s where luck comes in...
.
Yeah, that’s pretty much what I hear from most people. I’m so lucky! It can’t be that I put careful thought into it at that young age. Even when people don’t chalk it all up to chance, their first thought is that I have learned to apply good relationship maintenance (they’re less likely to think that the relationship maintenance is my husband’s doing).
Not that relationship maintenance isn’t important, but I really believe that I have a happy marriage because I had a clear idea of what someone well-suited to be my husband would be like. I’m not sure I’d call it luminosity, but it’s along those lines.
.
As I was starting to hint at with the “luminosity” reference, I think a long habit of introspection helped me to figure out that, yes, marriage is for me. And what particular kinds of marriage are for me. And what sort of spouse would be suited to having that kind of marriage with me. And how I needed to change in order to be a good spouse in return. And which criteria are more crucial than others.
As a teen I was glad to be able to learn from the mistakes of my peers, instead of going through that heartache myself. It seems like not everyone can do this, though? At least, I can think of a few people who always seem to have to touch the hot stove before they learn that it burns.
I was that teenager, too. I didn’t want to date until I had observed enough to do it well. It worked out well—it taught me to love without needing to possess. That’s been a huge life skill for me.