I like that spelling “gracefwly”. It reads right phonetically while looking cooler than the usual.
I would unironically suggest discussing this type of shyness with a good therapist or counselor, because it can arise from some rather detrimental habits of thought that you might benefit from identifying and thus gaining the ability to choose whether you want to modify them.
Levels 2 and up in your graphic read to me as ultimately fears of immaturity, and misplacement of personal responsibility.
Consider framing level 2 as fear of interacting with someone who lies to you about their preferences for whatever reason. Nice people lie for good reasons sometimes; it doesn’t automatically make them bad people or something. But if you’re interacting with someone who chooses to lie to you, and then suffers as a result of having made that choice, do you really want to make that suffering your problem?
Consider framing level 3 as an extreme desire to control someone else’s experiences. By not approaching the person, you’re saying that your idea of what’s best for them is more important than giving them the choice of whether or not they want to interact with you. You’re doing something uncomfortable for yourself in an attempt to control another person’s experience in a way that doesn’t seem to me like it ought to be any of your business. Try generalizing this to other parts of life, to see its absurdity: what if the stranger next to you in the grocery store had a really bad experience with your favorite food one time? Should you try to protect them from being reminded of that bad experience by not buying your favorite food, lest they see it in your cart? Not a perfect example, for sure, but it’s another case of trying to control someone else’s experiences in a way that’s unreasonable to expect of yourself and ultimately not good for you.
Level 4 is like a combination of the two: fearing that you can’t let other people make their own decisions, and living in a world where adults shouldn’t be given choices lest they suffer due to the consequences of their own actions.
If you insist on holding a paradigm where you’re responsible for others’ experiences to the point of withholding choices from them, it seems you could turn it around as an argument for social interaction: What if these poor incompetent hypothetical people, who can’t be trusted to say what they think or do what they prefer, actually want your friendship but are too shy and untrustworthy to pursue it first? What harms are you bringing them to by withholding your company?
Think of the norms I’m proposing as cheap social interventions for mental health. You can say 2-4 are misplacements of responsibility. They’re symptoms of an overactive anxiety. But I think there’s a limit to how much we should care about where responsibility lies when considering how to behave in order to bring happiness. I think taking the anxieties into account (by being upfront with willingness to reject, and helping others reject you if they wish) can improve our relationships and communities regardless.
I like that spelling “gracefwly”. It reads right phonetically while looking cooler than the usual.
I would unironically suggest discussing this type of shyness with a good therapist or counselor, because it can arise from some rather detrimental habits of thought that you might benefit from identifying and thus gaining the ability to choose whether you want to modify them.
Levels 2 and up in your graphic read to me as ultimately fears of immaturity, and misplacement of personal responsibility.
Consider framing level 2 as fear of interacting with someone who lies to you about their preferences for whatever reason. Nice people lie for good reasons sometimes; it doesn’t automatically make them bad people or something. But if you’re interacting with someone who chooses to lie to you, and then suffers as a result of having made that choice, do you really want to make that suffering your problem?
Consider framing level 3 as an extreme desire to control someone else’s experiences. By not approaching the person, you’re saying that your idea of what’s best for them is more important than giving them the choice of whether or not they want to interact with you. You’re doing something uncomfortable for yourself in an attempt to control another person’s experience in a way that doesn’t seem to me like it ought to be any of your business. Try generalizing this to other parts of life, to see its absurdity: what if the stranger next to you in the grocery store had a really bad experience with your favorite food one time? Should you try to protect them from being reminded of that bad experience by not buying your favorite food, lest they see it in your cart? Not a perfect example, for sure, but it’s another case of trying to control someone else’s experiences in a way that’s unreasonable to expect of yourself and ultimately not good for you.
Level 4 is like a combination of the two: fearing that you can’t let other people make their own decisions, and living in a world where adults shouldn’t be given choices lest they suffer due to the consequences of their own actions.
If you insist on holding a paradigm where you’re responsible for others’ experiences to the point of withholding choices from them, it seems you could turn it around as an argument for social interaction: What if these poor incompetent hypothetical people, who can’t be trusted to say what they think or do what they prefer, actually want your friendship but are too shy and untrustworthy to pursue it first? What harms are you bringing them to by withholding your company?
Think of the norms I’m proposing as cheap social interventions for mental health. You can say 2-4 are misplacements of responsibility. They’re symptoms of an overactive anxiety. But I think there’s a limit to how much we should care about where responsibility lies when considering how to behave in order to bring happiness. I think taking the anxieties into account (by being upfront with willingness to reject, and helping others reject you if they wish) can improve our relationships and communities regardless.