I can take a shot at it, having experienced something similar.
The general situation usually follows the pattern of “There is a group with easily-noticeable standards A, B, and C and less-easily-noticeable standards X, Y, and Z. I conform to A, B, and C (though probably for different reasons than they do), but not to (some subset of) X , Y, and Z, but since X and Y and Z don’t come up very often, 1) they haven’t figured out that I don’t fit them, and 2) I didn’t realize that those standards were significant until after I’d been accepted as a member of the group (which is where the ‘sense of belonging’ comes in). At no point did I actually mislead the group with regards to X, Y, or Z, but it’s very likely that if they find out that I don’t conform to them, they will assume that I did and there will be large amounts of drama.”
This usually leads to an inclination to hide facts relating to X, Y, and Z, which feels from the inside like being alienated and uncomfortable.
ETA: This isn’t necessarily something that a person would have to be consciously aware of in order for it to happen, and it can also be based on a person’s assumptions about X/Y/Z-like standards if a given group doesn’t make them explicit.
Adelene’s response strikes me as a similar experience. I should also admit that I’m having a lot of trouble actually getting a concrete description of the experience, as it’s primarily emotional/subconscious, but here’s my own go at it:
I suppose the short version is that while I have the social/emotional response of “belonging and acceptance”, I don’t actually feel safe relaxing and letting down my guard around those groups, which produces a secondary emotional response of feeling alienated and uncomfortable that I have to keep those defenses up.
There are various social behaviors that groups will exhibit to build a very strong “sense of belonging”, and it’s more an emotional evaluation than an intellectual one—although the other part is that I often 99% fit with a group, am clearly a valuable member of the group, and risk getting expelled if I reveal that other 1% of myself.
More specifically, I belong to a few groups where revealing one’s status can still result in fairly sharp social ostracization . Thus, once I’ve found a group where I “belong”, I run in to the choice of risking all of that to be accepted “for who I really am”, or just shutting up and keeping quiet about things that almost never come up anyways.
In the case of LessWrong, I feel safe because the community strikes me as much more likely to be tolerant of these things, because an online community has much less power to hurt me, and because these things are extremely unlikely to come up here to begin with (and, being an online forum, I can devote time to carefully crafting posts not to reveal anything; that’s still annoying, but gets written off as “I don’t want to post publicly about this” rather than “LessWrong is unsafe”)
The other aspect is simply that a lot of standard recruitment/retention techniques trigger a visceral aversion to me, even if I don’t view the group as a threat and genuinely do want to be a member.
I’ve got a streak of that, though of a different flavor. Some types of ceremonial efforts to solidify group cohesion don’t work for me, so I feel alienated from any group where there’s an assumption that I’ll feel good and devoted because of enforced symbolism.
To be less abstract about it all, I’m American, whatever that means. I can be defensive and even mildly jingoistic about America (though I consider the latter a failing)-- but I’d be a lot more comfortable with the place and the identity if it weren’t for all the damned flags.
In other news, I’ve been wondering lately whether it would be closer to the truth if, instead of thinking of myself as Jewish (ethnically), it would be better to frame it as “People kept telling me I was Jewish until I started believing it”.
I can be defensive and even mildly jingoistic about America
The US has one of the most effective brainwashing systems in the (first) world, patriotism-wise. I suspect that a part of it is the historical narrative of a real or imagined success against formidable odds, all in the last 200 years or so. The message “America is great” is also constantly all over the school system and the media. This is really hard to resist, no matter how often you repeat to yourself “I ought to keep my identity small”.
I’ve been wondering lately whether it would be closer to the truth if, instead of thinking of myself as Jewish (ethnically), it would be better to frame it as “People kept telling me I was Jewish until I started believing it”.
I heard that sentiment many times, not necessarily from people of Jewish descent, although the latter are an easy example. Jews in the early 20th century Germany thought if themselves as Germans, until “real Germans” disabused them of that notion in 1930s. Same happened in Russia in 1950s. Various Yugoslavian ethnicities suddenly realized in 1990s that they were not just Yugoslavians, but Serbs, Albanians, Croatians etc., and those who did not were quickly and forcefully reminded of it by their neighbors.
I somewhat relate to his comment, and for me it’s because of how much persona, holding myself back, and not letting myself go it requires to be accepted by others. When, and if, it actually does work, it feels like here all I was trying to do was be a nice guy, and now the ruse worked? Now it’s like you’ve committed yourself to it.
This sounds very odd. In fact, it sounds oxymoronic. Can you explain?
I can take a shot at it, having experienced something similar.
The general situation usually follows the pattern of “There is a group with easily-noticeable standards A, B, and C and less-easily-noticeable standards X, Y, and Z. I conform to A, B, and C (though probably for different reasons than they do), but not to (some subset of) X , Y, and Z, but since X and Y and Z don’t come up very often, 1) they haven’t figured out that I don’t fit them, and 2) I didn’t realize that those standards were significant until after I’d been accepted as a member of the group (which is where the ‘sense of belonging’ comes in). At no point did I actually mislead the group with regards to X, Y, or Z, but it’s very likely that if they find out that I don’t conform to them, they will assume that I did and there will be large amounts of drama.”
This usually leads to an inclination to hide facts relating to X, Y, and Z, which feels from the inside like being alienated and uncomfortable.
ETA: This isn’t necessarily something that a person would have to be consciously aware of in order for it to happen, and it can also be based on a person’s assumptions about X/Y/Z-like standards if a given group doesn’t make them explicit.
Adelene’s response strikes me as a similar experience. I should also admit that I’m having a lot of trouble actually getting a concrete description of the experience, as it’s primarily emotional/subconscious, but here’s my own go at it:
I suppose the short version is that while I have the social/emotional response of “belonging and acceptance”, I don’t actually feel safe relaxing and letting down my guard around those groups, which produces a secondary emotional response of feeling alienated and uncomfortable that I have to keep those defenses up.
There are various social behaviors that groups will exhibit to build a very strong “sense of belonging”, and it’s more an emotional evaluation than an intellectual one—although the other part is that I often 99% fit with a group, am clearly a valuable member of the group, and risk getting expelled if I reveal that other 1% of myself.
More specifically, I belong to a few groups where revealing one’s status can still result in fairly sharp social ostracization . Thus, once I’ve found a group where I “belong”, I run in to the choice of risking all of that to be accepted “for who I really am”, or just shutting up and keeping quiet about things that almost never come up anyways.
In the case of LessWrong, I feel safe because the community strikes me as much more likely to be tolerant of these things, because an online community has much less power to hurt me, and because these things are extremely unlikely to come up here to begin with (and, being an online forum, I can devote time to carefully crafting posts not to reveal anything; that’s still annoying, but gets written off as “I don’t want to post publicly about this” rather than “LessWrong is unsafe”)
The other aspect is simply that a lot of standard recruitment/retention techniques trigger a visceral aversion to me, even if I don’t view the group as a threat and genuinely do want to be a member.
I’ve got a streak of that, though of a different flavor. Some types of ceremonial efforts to solidify group cohesion don’t work for me, so I feel alienated from any group where there’s an assumption that I’ll feel good and devoted because of enforced symbolism.
To be less abstract about it all, I’m American, whatever that means. I can be defensive and even mildly jingoistic about America (though I consider the latter a failing)-- but I’d be a lot more comfortable with the place and the identity if it weren’t for all the damned flags.
In other news, I’ve been wondering lately whether it would be closer to the truth if, instead of thinking of myself as Jewish (ethnically), it would be better to frame it as “People kept telling me I was Jewish until I started believing it”.
The US has one of the most effective brainwashing systems in the (first) world, patriotism-wise. I suspect that a part of it is the historical narrative of a real or imagined success against formidable odds, all in the last 200 years or so. The message “America is great” is also constantly all over the school system and the media. This is really hard to resist, no matter how often you repeat to yourself “I ought to keep my identity small”.
I heard that sentiment many times, not necessarily from people of Jewish descent, although the latter are an easy example. Jews in the early 20th century Germany thought if themselves as Germans, until “real Germans” disabused them of that notion in 1930s. Same happened in Russia in 1950s. Various Yugoslavian ethnicities suddenly realized in 1990s that they were not just Yugoslavians, but Serbs, Albanians, Croatians etc., and those who did not were quickly and forcefully reminded of it by their neighbors.
I somewhat relate to his comment, and for me it’s because of how much persona, holding myself back, and not letting myself go it requires to be accepted by others. When, and if, it actually does work, it feels like here all I was trying to do was be a nice guy, and now the ruse worked? Now it’s like you’ve committed yourself to it.