I started getting into NVC about a year ago and at this point I’ve read the book, watched about 10 hours of workshop videos, and have tried to apply it in many real-life situations, though I feel that it takes a lot more practice than that—it is hard.
I appreciate that you are emphasizing on observations, because IME it is one of the components of NVC which can work well on its own, whereas a lot of its other lessons only work well together, e.g. if you were to completely cease using any “punitive force”, such as being upset as a punishment for them not keeping their word, then you also need to make your feelings and needs clear to them, which is very difficult to do, especially when you first need to infer theirs—otherwise they might not be aware that they even did anything wrong, if you avoid punishment but don’t communicate anything. (Although I’ve done this, and people who are my friend or my partner, aren’t abusing the lack of punishment and I usually can’t stop them from feeling guilty for what they’ve done because I believe that guilt is a very ineffective and painful way to bring about change. So this particular concept did work well on its own; but most other techniques don’t. I guess I picked a non-ideal example, but you get the point.)
I’ve decided to invest a lot more time in it in the future because I believe there is a lot of promise in the framework.
Hi Velizar, I’ve just finished reading the book, but I’m hoping to do more practice. However, the workshops on cnvc.org are pretty pricey and the timings aren’t great for my time zone. Do you have any suggestions? I might miss other practice opportunities.
Yeah, I strongly recommend going to a workshop, someone I practice together with has told me about NVC New York: https://www.nycnvc.org/
She went there and she seemed pretty good at it.
If you tell them that you are low on money then they might be willing to either offer you a discount or to let you do the workshop for free, I don’t remember which one it was.
In terms of practice, I tend to take it easy because there are so many things to master.
One of the easier things to get better at is to stop making things worse, by applying punitive measures in cases where it’s counter-productive.
One of the way harder (for me) things is to actually go through the entire observation-feelings-needs-request chain in a conflict, because I find it that during a conflict, I need empathy so my capacity for empathy towards others is limited, so the first step is to give yourself empathy. Don’t expect initial good results doing this, the book doesn’t warn you how hard it is, you could practice just the first step (observations), and also practice things in your own mind, without sharing them—Marshall Rosenberg says that the most important part of the process is not the words that you use, even if you do all of it silently it would still work well, but if you do it out loud and do it wrong then people might be pissed off at you, it has happened to me sometimes. I’ve also had good results, and it’s unreliable. So this takes a lot of practice.
Another great thing to practice is empathic listening.
I find it that coming up with the magical keywords for the correct emotions and needs is not as powerful as we might believe; instead, the powerful part comes when you are fully listening and you are connecting with the other person’s feelings and needs.
Rereading parts of the book is also worth it. Also watching their workshop videos on Youtube is both inspirational and instrumental.
Good luck! Workshops are expected to be totally worth it!
Thanks for the response! Coincidentally, I did reach out to a nearby NVC community after receiving the same suggestion from a coach. Let’s see how it goes. :)
because I find it that during a conflict, I need empathy so my capacity for empathy towards others is limited, so the first step is to give yourself empathy.
Yeah this is still very tough for me too. I remembered ruminating quite a lot when my need for respect wasn’t fulfilled in some online forums. After writing this down, I immediately went to reread some parts of the book. I don’t think I’ve internalised this yet, but small steps… :)
I started getting into NVC about a year ago and at this point I’ve read the book, watched about 10 hours of workshop videos, and have tried to apply it in many real-life situations, though I feel that it takes a lot more practice than that—it is hard.
I appreciate that you are emphasizing on observations, because IME it is one of the components of NVC which can work well on its own, whereas a lot of its other lessons only work well together, e.g. if you were to completely cease using any “punitive force”, such as being upset as a punishment for them not keeping their word, then you also need to make your feelings and needs clear to them, which is very difficult to do, especially when you first need to infer theirs—otherwise they might not be aware that they even did anything wrong, if you avoid punishment but don’t communicate anything. (Although I’ve done this, and people who are my friend or my partner, aren’t abusing the lack of punishment and I usually can’t stop them from feeling guilty for what they’ve done because I believe that guilt is a very ineffective and painful way to bring about change. So this particular concept did work well on its own; but most other techniques don’t. I guess I picked a non-ideal example, but you get the point.)
I’ve decided to invest a lot more time in it in the future because I believe there is a lot of promise in the framework.
Hi Velizar, I’ve just finished reading the book, but I’m hoping to do more practice. However, the workshops on cnvc.org are pretty pricey and the timings aren’t great for my time zone. Do you have any suggestions? I might miss other practice opportunities.
Yeah, I strongly recommend going to a workshop, someone I practice together with has told me about NVC New York: https://www.nycnvc.org/
She went there and she seemed pretty good at it.
If you tell them that you are low on money then they might be willing to either offer you a discount or to let you do the workshop for free, I don’t remember which one it was.
In terms of practice, I tend to take it easy because there are so many things to master.
One of the easier things to get better at is to stop making things worse, by applying punitive measures in cases where it’s counter-productive.
One of the way harder (for me) things is to actually go through the entire observation-feelings-needs-request chain in a conflict, because I find it that during a conflict, I need empathy so my capacity for empathy towards others is limited, so the first step is to give yourself empathy. Don’t expect initial good results doing this, the book doesn’t warn you how hard it is, you could practice just the first step (observations), and also practice things in your own mind, without sharing them—Marshall Rosenberg says that the most important part of the process is not the words that you use, even if you do all of it silently it would still work well, but if you do it out loud and do it wrong then people might be pissed off at you, it has happened to me sometimes. I’ve also had good results, and it’s unreliable. So this takes a lot of practice.
Another great thing to practice is empathic listening.
I find it that coming up with the magical keywords for the correct emotions and needs is not as powerful as we might believe; instead, the powerful part comes when you are fully listening and you are connecting with the other person’s feelings and needs.
Rereading parts of the book is also worth it. Also watching their workshop videos on Youtube is both inspirational and instrumental.
Good luck! Workshops are expected to be totally worth it!
Thanks for the response! Coincidentally, I did reach out to a nearby NVC community after receiving the same suggestion from a coach. Let’s see how it goes. :)
Yeah this is still very tough for me too. I remembered ruminating quite a lot when my need for respect wasn’t fulfilled in some online forums. After writing this down, I immediately went to reread some parts of the book. I don’t think I’ve internalised this yet, but small steps… :)