So basically, my hypothesis is, the reason intelligent people are so often socially clumsy is because it’s a facade, a self-imposed handicap they keep up because evolution has programmed us to have repulsion towards unfairly manipulating others. Because they can make others do anything, they choose to do nothing. This manifests as being easily led, a kind of “doormat”, lacking their own will or ego, even.
This is more or less true of me, though I don’t know why evolution is being singled out etiologically, it seems like even a blank slate mind could learn to be inhibited this way. Anyhow I avoid meeting people’s eyes or generally looking at people’s faces because my automatic inclinations are to nod along, smile, make them feel like I’m their ally &c., even when I don’t actually agree with them or think what they’re doing or saying is right. Like when someone tells a self-deprecating joke and they expect you to smile or laugh, or when they fish for a compliment, or when they tell you about something they think is important that you don’t think is important. Those are obvious examples that everyone notices, but human conversation is chock full of subtler games that are harder to be reflective about and have bright line rules for. You either implicitly lie to them or you constantly disappoint them. This is extremely salient to me because I’m abnormally good at reading people’s facial expressions. Not meeting their eyes and being generally evasive is a way to keep myself honest. I still stand by this decision, even if it means constantly handicapping my status, attractiveness, and generally my life. Integrity is important.
Go one step farther. Do that compulsion to agree and be mellow with people you don’t agree with mean you’re a dishonest jerk who’s trying to manipulate them, or does it mean you’re not feeling comfortable with disagreeing with them (for instance because you feel like they’d reject you if you did, which might be painful, or because you do not want to hurt their feelings, or because you feel like you don’t have the social status to do that). Don’t necessarily assume you’re evil.
For instance I know I hate lying mostly because I am feeling insecure enough to think I wouldn’t get away with it. This stems from a difficulty to put myself in other’s shoes. If I know how and what I lied about, then surely I can imagine many ways in which they’ll eventually uncover my lie.
Another reason why I may come to dislike social relationships is because I harbor few illusions about human motivation and drives. Most interactions with people can be interpreted as manipulation to get your way, if you try hard enough to see it that way. My issue with that is, however, that I don’t want to have such a relationship with others. I naively crave a natural, hassle-free relationship where I’m being liked and like others unconditionally. So whenever I think in terms of what strings I need to pull to move others, I feel bad about it because I don’t want to have a relationship with puppets, I want to have a relationship with real people. Yet, I can’t exactly believe relationships are magical in that way—nothing is for free or unconditional, and there are definite winning and losing moves in social relationships. So I’m torn between what I want (not over analyzing stuff and just getting along with people) and what I believe (that if I don’t do that, then I may fail at being adequately social).
Having spoken with you in person (unaware that this was a consciously chosen practice) my experience was mostly that it was cognitively burdensome and that I was mostly worried for you. I suspect this isn’t what you’re shooting for! (I also classified it alongside my “Will is a troubled genius” model, which may or may not be what you’re going for.)
My personal experience is that I tend towards terrible self-destructiveness when I don’t get enough human warmth, so this strategy would not be a good debiaser for me. But if you can make it work… actually, this seems like a good thing to get external feedback on whether you make it work. Have you?
This is more or less true of me, though I don’t know why evolution is being singled out etiologically, it seems like even a blank slate mind could learn to be inhibited this way. Anyhow I avoid meeting people’s eyes or generally looking at people’s faces because my automatic inclinations are to nod along, smile, make them feel like I’m their ally &c., even when I don’t actually agree with them or think what they’re doing or saying is right. Like when someone tells a self-deprecating joke and they expect you to smile or laugh, or when they fish for a compliment, or when they tell you about something they think is important that you don’t think is important. Those are obvious examples that everyone notices, but human conversation is chock full of subtler games that are harder to be reflective about and have bright line rules for. You either implicitly lie to them or you constantly disappoint them. This is extremely salient to me because I’m abnormally good at reading people’s facial expressions. Not meeting their eyes and being generally evasive is a way to keep myself honest. I still stand by this decision, even if it means constantly handicapping my status, attractiveness, and generally my life. Integrity is important.
Go one step farther. Do that compulsion to agree and be mellow with people you don’t agree with mean you’re a dishonest jerk who’s trying to manipulate them, or does it mean you’re not feeling comfortable with disagreeing with them (for instance because you feel like they’d reject you if you did, which might be painful, or because you do not want to hurt their feelings, or because you feel like you don’t have the social status to do that). Don’t necessarily assume you’re evil.
For instance I know I hate lying mostly because I am feeling insecure enough to think I wouldn’t get away with it. This stems from a difficulty to put myself in other’s shoes. If I know how and what I lied about, then surely I can imagine many ways in which they’ll eventually uncover my lie.
Another reason why I may come to dislike social relationships is because I harbor few illusions about human motivation and drives. Most interactions with people can be interpreted as manipulation to get your way, if you try hard enough to see it that way. My issue with that is, however, that I don’t want to have such a relationship with others. I naively crave a natural, hassle-free relationship where I’m being liked and like others unconditionally. So whenever I think in terms of what strings I need to pull to move others, I feel bad about it because I don’t want to have a relationship with puppets, I want to have a relationship with real people. Yet, I can’t exactly believe relationships are magical in that way—nothing is for free or unconditional, and there are definite winning and losing moves in social relationships. So I’m torn between what I want (not over analyzing stuff and just getting along with people) and what I believe (that if I don’t do that, then I may fail at being adequately social).
Having spoken with you in person (unaware that this was a consciously chosen practice) my experience was mostly that it was cognitively burdensome and that I was mostly worried for you. I suspect this isn’t what you’re shooting for! (I also classified it alongside my “Will is a troubled genius” model, which may or may not be what you’re going for.)
My personal experience is that I tend towards terrible self-destructiveness when I don’t get enough human warmth, so this strategy would not be a good debiaser for me. But if you can make it work… actually, this seems like a good thing to get external feedback on whether you make it work. Have you?