For a while (a long time ago) I asked people “When did you first realize you
were different?” Once a young woman I was on a date with said “But I’m not
different”!
Well, I knew it was a bad sign, but I didn’t want to write her off based on
just that one thing, so I did end up asking her out again. After two or so
dates she realized she wasn’t interested in me but apparently didn’t have the
guts to tell me that, so she stood me up and pretended she didn’t see or hear
me (!) when I went to her place of work. (We were both pretty young—just
out of high school.)
One thing I’ve learned from having mostly male friends who sometimes complain about their dating lives is no matter how much of an asshole I feel like when I turn someone down, it’s much less than the asshole I’m actually being if I don’t tell them. This is why I always respond to new messages on OKC that aren’t outright rude, offensive, or all textspeak (and even then I sometimes do).
Although, I will admit that, after an exchange has alerady gotten started, if I’ve been signalling “not interested” over a few messages (responding with minimum polite reply and not asking any new questions), and the other person persistently doesn’t get it, I may just trail off.
One thing I’ve learned from having mostly male friends who sometimes complain about their dating lives is no matter how much of an asshole I feel like when I turn someone down, it’s much less than the asshole I’m actually being if I don’t tell them.
Strongly agree in general...
This is why I always respond to new messages on OKC that aren’t outright rude, offensive, or all textspeak (and even then I sometimes do).
I might be unusual here, but I actually consider online dating to be kind of a special case. My usual strategy is to message anyone I’d want to go on a date with, and then forget I sent the message. This means if my mailbox turns pink, it’s a pleasant surprise, and there might be a date in the offing. Finding instead a polite rejection is a bit disappointing.
That is, IRL, if we’re friends/acquaintances, and I’m politely/vaguely suggesting that I’d like us to date, and you’re picking up on that, it is totally good for you to shoot me down, so that I can quit wasting mental/emotional energy. Online where things are more explicit, the only waste of mental/emotional energy is when I’m logging in to find a message, only to find a rejection.
My usual strategy is to message anyone I’d want to go on a date with, and then forget I sent the message.
I’m actually the same way, but I think a lot of people aren’t. Or even if they are, it’s kind of draining to put so much energy over time into writing messages and get nothing out of it. Being politely turned down is at least an acknowledgement.
In practice, I almost never get to the point of having to explicitly turn someone down, though. Either one-sided clicks don’t happen that often, or when they do, the other person gets the hint I’m not interested.
One thing I’ve learned from having mostly male friends who sometimes complain about their dating lives is no matter how much of an asshole I feel like when I turn someone down, it’s much less than the asshole I’m actually being if I don’t tell them.
Should I really message everybody back and tell people to go away if I don’t want to talk to them? If some guy in his thirties or forties sends me a message asking a question that I clearly answered in my profile and we have only a 40% match, what do I even say? “You are out of my age range, apparently did not read my profile, and have a low match percentage with me; please go away”? This sounds like an invitation for him to argue with me!
This policy may not scale to the point where I get a large volume of messages from people I have zero interest in engaging with; I wouldn’t know, because that’s not the case. However, in response to your example message, I might say no more than “That’s in my profile” or a one-sentence answer with no followup question or other remarks. If he doesn’t take the hint, I can either argue back if I feel like being snarky, or ignore him afterwards.
I want to upvote this more than once.
For a while (a long time ago) I asked people “When did you first realize you were different?” Once a young woman I was on a date with said “But I’m not different”!
Weird. How did that turn out?
Well, I knew it was a bad sign, but I didn’t want to write her off based on just that one thing, so I did end up asking her out again. After two or so dates she realized she wasn’t interested in me but apparently didn’t have the guts to tell me that, so she stood me up and pretended she didn’t see or hear me (!) when I went to her place of work. (We were both pretty young—just out of high school.)
Ouch. Classy.
One thing I’ve learned from having mostly male friends who sometimes complain about their dating lives is no matter how much of an asshole I feel like when I turn someone down, it’s much less than the asshole I’m actually being if I don’t tell them. This is why I always respond to new messages on OKC that aren’t outright rude, offensive, or all textspeak (and even then I sometimes do).
Although, I will admit that, after an exchange has alerady gotten started, if I’ve been signalling “not interested” over a few messages (responding with minimum polite reply and not asking any new questions), and the other person persistently doesn’t get it, I may just trail off.
Strongly agree in general...
I might be unusual here, but I actually consider online dating to be kind of a special case. My usual strategy is to message anyone I’d want to go on a date with, and then forget I sent the message. This means if my mailbox turns pink, it’s a pleasant surprise, and there might be a date in the offing. Finding instead a polite rejection is a bit disappointing.
That is, IRL, if we’re friends/acquaintances, and I’m politely/vaguely suggesting that I’d like us to date, and you’re picking up on that, it is totally good for you to shoot me down, so that I can quit wasting mental/emotional energy. Online where things are more explicit, the only waste of mental/emotional energy is when I’m logging in to find a message, only to find a rejection.
I’m actually the same way, but I think a lot of people aren’t. Or even if they are, it’s kind of draining to put so much energy over time into writing messages and get nothing out of it. Being politely turned down is at least an acknowledgement.
In practice, I almost never get to the point of having to explicitly turn someone down, though. Either one-sided clicks don’t happen that often, or when they do, the other person gets the hint I’m not interested.
I wish more people knew this.
Should I really message everybody back and tell people to go away if I don’t want to talk to them? If some guy in his thirties or forties sends me a message asking a question that I clearly answered in my profile and we have only a 40% match, what do I even say? “You are out of my age range, apparently did not read my profile, and have a low match percentage with me; please go away”? This sounds like an invitation for him to argue with me!
This policy may not scale to the point where I get a large volume of messages from people I have zero interest in engaging with; I wouldn’t know, because that’s not the case. However, in response to your example message, I might say no more than “That’s in my profile” or a one-sentence answer with no followup question or other remarks. If he doesn’t take the hint, I can either argue back if I feel like being snarky, or ignore him afterwards.