Thanks, this is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.
This one is fairly easy to solve: flip the roles in your head.
I actually don’t agree with this, for reasons suggested by the power balance discussions going on elsewhere. The two people aren’t the same; notably, they have different needs, wants, and capabilities. Even in a roughly equal relationship, the participants are able to give each other different things; it’s reasonable to ask for something the other person can give, but which you could not give them.
This does a good job of defining the gray area in which it’s hard to answer this question, though: it’s when asking for something which one of you could give but the other could not. (If you could give it, it might seem reasonable when it isn’t; if the other could give it, it might seem unreasonable when it isn’t.)
When “flipping the role”, it is important to keep all the parameters identical! In other words: you have to be able to empathize enough with the other person to be able to incorporate their needs/wants/capabilities in your “mental model” of them.
A practical example: when I’m having beers with someone who is studying (and very low on cash because of that), I very frequently pick up the entire tab. Why? Because I can still imagine what it was like as a student myself and sort of even imagine that that person will hopefully do the same when they eventually start making money. Vice versa, I would never expect them to pay more than “their own consumption” and would flat-out refuse to let them pick up an entire tab. (Unless there is an obvious indication they are swimming in money.)
This is basically what empathy means: being able to incorporate a workable mental model of a different person and being able to think from that perspective. Of course, there are cases where you have no clue as to the other persons background/situation, etc. In this case I’d suggest expecting as little as possible, because it would be easy to go wrong there. But you can avoid this situation by being observant and by asking about them. A simple “how are you” is a good start.
I totally agree with you—I just find that a different enough thing from simple role reversal that I wouldn’t call it that.
Your example about money is one that comes up a lot for me. I’ve been a student for only a few weeks, but I’ve been unemployed and broke for more than a year, and do my best to avoid awkwardness about it—I’ll accept someone covering me but try to make sure they don’t feel obliged to. I do worry about it happening too often, though, because while I certainly would repay the favor given the means, I’m not going to have the means in the forseeable future.
Don’t worry about it, seriously. There is nothing awkward about being poor and it definitely is no reason to feel guilty, it just sucks. You’ve probably also experienced that people won’t necessarily help you out under these circumstances, even if you specifically ask for help and if you know they have the money. So, dignity is all you have going for you.
Also remember, there is wealth in other things as well besides money. Besides buying rounds when I could, I’ve always made a huge point out of volunteering and helping people in other ways. Throw your time, smarts and skills around like some people spend their money. Learn how to cook. Learn how to repair stuff. You’ll be fine.
True story: I have two best friends that I’ve known since kindergarten. When I was in a really difficult period a couple of months ago one of them said to me: “You know, if you really get in to trouble, I will always come and bail you out.” We’ve never had to try it out, but you can’t imagine the feeling of support that gave me. Now, I’ve just recently discovered that my other friend is actually insanely rich (compared to all the rest of us), he just never told us before. Guess who typically buys the rounds? Right, the first friend. Guess who is happier? Yup, still the first guy. But, I still love them both. Life is like that.
“You know, if you really get in to trouble, I will always come and bail you out.”
I am immensely grateful to also have a friend who’s said this to me in almost exactly those words. I haven’t ever had to be bailed out (knock on wood), but he lent me a substantial sum of money for textbooks at the beginning of this school year, against my financial aid. Given that I haven’t yet gotten the financial aid, I would be pretty stuck by now without his help.
I don’t feel guilty about being poor. Most of my friends have been there and are sympathetic. (Some haven’t and are still sympathetic.) It is socially awkward, though, because it bars me from certain occasions, and requires explicit discussion of payment beforehand in others. (If someone asks me out to dinner, I can only go if they will pay for me, and it’s not conventionally polite for either of us to bring that up beforehand!)
I am indeed sometimes able to use other skills in situations I might have otherwise needed money for. Last week a bunch of people were getting together at a friend’s house, and they were planning on ordering in a bunch of food. Since I wouldn’t have been able to do that, I offered to cook for the group instead, and ended up making a big pot of soup out of things the host already had in his kitchen. Several people thanked me for making their lives easier by taking charge of the dinner, when all I’d intended to do was make my own life easier. Everybody won, and I’m (obviously) still pretty pleased with myself about it.
Thanks, this is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.
I actually don’t agree with this, for reasons suggested by the power balance discussions going on elsewhere. The two people aren’t the same; notably, they have different needs, wants, and capabilities. Even in a roughly equal relationship, the participants are able to give each other different things; it’s reasonable to ask for something the other person can give, but which you could not give them.
This does a good job of defining the gray area in which it’s hard to answer this question, though: it’s when asking for something which one of you could give but the other could not. (If you could give it, it might seem reasonable when it isn’t; if the other could give it, it might seem unreasonable when it isn’t.)
When “flipping the role”, it is important to keep all the parameters identical! In other words: you have to be able to empathize enough with the other person to be able to incorporate their needs/wants/capabilities in your “mental model” of them.
A practical example: when I’m having beers with someone who is studying (and very low on cash because of that), I very frequently pick up the entire tab. Why? Because I can still imagine what it was like as a student myself and sort of even imagine that that person will hopefully do the same when they eventually start making money. Vice versa, I would never expect them to pay more than “their own consumption” and would flat-out refuse to let them pick up an entire tab. (Unless there is an obvious indication they are swimming in money.)
This is basically what empathy means: being able to incorporate a workable mental model of a different person and being able to think from that perspective. Of course, there are cases where you have no clue as to the other persons background/situation, etc. In this case I’d suggest expecting as little as possible, because it would be easy to go wrong there. But you can avoid this situation by being observant and by asking about them. A simple “how are you” is a good start.
I totally agree with you—I just find that a different enough thing from simple role reversal that I wouldn’t call it that.
Your example about money is one that comes up a lot for me. I’ve been a student for only a few weeks, but I’ve been unemployed and broke for more than a year, and do my best to avoid awkwardness about it—I’ll accept someone covering me but try to make sure they don’t feel obliged to. I do worry about it happening too often, though, because while I certainly would repay the favor given the means, I’m not going to have the means in the forseeable future.
Don’t worry about it, seriously. There is nothing awkward about being poor and it definitely is no reason to feel guilty, it just sucks. You’ve probably also experienced that people won’t necessarily help you out under these circumstances, even if you specifically ask for help and if you know they have the money. So, dignity is all you have going for you.
Also remember, there is wealth in other things as well besides money. Besides buying rounds when I could, I’ve always made a huge point out of volunteering and helping people in other ways. Throw your time, smarts and skills around like some people spend their money. Learn how to cook. Learn how to repair stuff. You’ll be fine.
True story: I have two best friends that I’ve known since kindergarten. When I was in a really difficult period a couple of months ago one of them said to me: “You know, if you really get in to trouble, I will always come and bail you out.” We’ve never had to try it out, but you can’t imagine the feeling of support that gave me. Now, I’ve just recently discovered that my other friend is actually insanely rich (compared to all the rest of us), he just never told us before. Guess who typically buys the rounds? Right, the first friend. Guess who is happier? Yup, still the first guy. But, I still love them both. Life is like that.
I am immensely grateful to also have a friend who’s said this to me in almost exactly those words. I haven’t ever had to be bailed out (knock on wood), but he lent me a substantial sum of money for textbooks at the beginning of this school year, against my financial aid. Given that I haven’t yet gotten the financial aid, I would be pretty stuck by now without his help.
I don’t feel guilty about being poor. Most of my friends have been there and are sympathetic. (Some haven’t and are still sympathetic.) It is socially awkward, though, because it bars me from certain occasions, and requires explicit discussion of payment beforehand in others. (If someone asks me out to dinner, I can only go if they will pay for me, and it’s not conventionally polite for either of us to bring that up beforehand!)
I am indeed sometimes able to use other skills in situations I might have otherwise needed money for. Last week a bunch of people were getting together at a friend’s house, and they were planning on ordering in a bunch of food. Since I wouldn’t have been able to do that, I offered to cook for the group instead, and ended up making a big pot of soup out of things the host already had in his kitchen. Several people thanked me for making their lives easier by taking charge of the dinner, when all I’d intended to do was make my own life easier. Everybody won, and I’m (obviously) still pretty pleased with myself about it.