I’ve struggled with insecurity for a while. Here are my most effective two techniques.
First, whenever I become self conscious I remind myself that I think mostly about myself. Other people are probably like me, so they are probably uncaring about whatever I’m concerned with.
Oh my gosh, I didn’t wash my face this morning, everyone will think I”m a slob.
When I see someone with a dirty face it doesn’t change my opinion of them. Other people will also not care how dirty my face is.
Hmm, this guy isn’t responding to my text. Maybe he could have come to the conclusion that I’m a vicious racist!
I don’t think about whether acquaintances are racists all the time. Other people are also not thinking about me when I’m not talking to them.
I’m not going to be on time. Everyone will think I’m being deliberately late in order to emphasize my own importance by making them late.
I may not be the latest one, and most people will be concerned with their own reasons for attending. My tardiness will be overlooked, or I will be asked for an explanation.
My other trick is that if I’m in a private place (and most often when I’m insecure I’m at least mostly in private. I have little time for such ruminations when I”m distracted by socializing.) I’ll verbalize my insecurities. Then I’ll respond out loud to the insecure statements.
Doing so seems to activate the parts of my personality that decide who I back in an argument, and the response is invariably more confident/assured than the insecurity (almost by definition). I find my thoughts falling into agreement with my responses rather than my insecurities.
To put it more simply, many insecure worries sound really odd when spoken aloud. This springs from the same root as the first tip. My insecure thoughts are not the sort of thing I imagine that other people have, so hearing them out loud makes explicit the contrast.
Insecure Walter: I spent too much on that online game which I didn’t play very much. That’ll become a trend and then I’ll go broke and lose my house and die in a gutter.
Response: I’ve spent too much before and never spent everything, and even if I went broke I could take out a loan. Principle of Mediocrity says this won’t be too different. I’ll just spend less in the future.
Thoughts: Yeah, I shouldn’t spend so much.
Somewhat relatedly, I often find that even when I don’t know what is causing me to feel anxious (which I often don’t), saying out loud that I’m feeling anxious for no reason I understand is oddly helpful.
My shorthand for this used to be “I’m afraid demons will eat my children,” but I stopped using that when I noticed that I had stopped treating it as an absurd statement (despite not having children, among other things).
I’m not going to be on time. Everyone will think I’m being deliberately late in order to emphasize my own importance by making them late.
When it comes to a thought like that, I would ask: “How bad would it be if other people think that I’m to late to emphasize my own importance?”
How much negative utility would be created? How much money would I pay to prevent that this effect happens?
Hmm, this guy isn’t responding to my text. Maybe he could have come to the conclusion that I’m a vicious racist!
If a person thinks that I’m a vicious racist based on what I say, than that person is crazy and we aren’t a good match. I would rather spend my time with other people so it’s no problem that the guy isn’t texting me.
I like those techniques and I’ve used variations of them myself in the past. They can definitely make the worry vanish if you hit the right note. I’m really after something more though. I’ve got this idea that the worries in the first place are the result of learned automatic emotional responses that can be unlearned. I’m not trying to force this idea on anyone but the desire to discuss this possibility is what motivated this post. If a particular worry is the result of a learned automatic emotional response and that response can be unlearned then they won’t have to do any of those things. Not that those aren’t good techniqes—they are.
I’ve got this idea that the worries in the first place are the result of learned automatic emotional responses that can be unlearned.
I share this idea. And I experience pretty significant insecurity and social anxiety (mingling makes me sweat bullets).
I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the techniques mentioned as not the “something more” you are looking for.
If the model for cultivating the “learned automatic emotional responses” that leads to worry involved years of subconcious, negative, irrational self-talk (e.g. “everyone is looking at me and thinks I’m overdressed and has concluded I’m a social moron! Ah!’), then I think it is at least plausible that the reciprocal—conscious, rational, postitive self-talk—may improve the situation over time and with substantial practice. The reality is most people don’t care to criticize us nearly as much as insecure people perceive they do… but it can take time to correct your perception once it has gone askew.
Is there a quick-fix/mind-hack? Maybe. Is it possible this is the sort of thing that requires patience and consistent effort to overcome? I think it is very possible.
I’ve struggled with insecurity for a while. Here are my most effective two techniques.
First, whenever I become self conscious I remind myself that I think mostly about myself. Other people are probably like me, so they are probably uncaring about whatever I’m concerned with.
Oh my gosh, I didn’t wash my face this morning, everyone will think I”m a slob.
When I see someone with a dirty face it doesn’t change my opinion of them. Other people will also not care how dirty my face is.
Hmm, this guy isn’t responding to my text. Maybe he could have come to the conclusion that I’m a vicious racist!
I don’t think about whether acquaintances are racists all the time. Other people are also not thinking about me when I’m not talking to them.
I’m not going to be on time. Everyone will think I’m being deliberately late in order to emphasize my own importance by making them late.
I may not be the latest one, and most people will be concerned with their own reasons for attending. My tardiness will be overlooked, or I will be asked for an explanation.
My other trick is that if I’m in a private place (and most often when I’m insecure I’m at least mostly in private. I have little time for such ruminations when I”m distracted by socializing.) I’ll verbalize my insecurities. Then I’ll respond out loud to the insecure statements.
Doing so seems to activate the parts of my personality that decide who I back in an argument, and the response is invariably more confident/assured than the insecurity (almost by definition). I find my thoughts falling into agreement with my responses rather than my insecurities.
To put it more simply, many insecure worries sound really odd when spoken aloud. This springs from the same root as the first tip. My insecure thoughts are not the sort of thing I imagine that other people have, so hearing them out loud makes explicit the contrast.
Insecure Walter: I spent too much on that online game which I didn’t play very much. That’ll become a trend and then I’ll go broke and lose my house and die in a gutter. Response: I’ve spent too much before and never spent everything, and even if I went broke I could take out a loan. Principle of Mediocrity says this won’t be too different. I’ll just spend less in the future. Thoughts: Yeah, I shouldn’t spend so much.
Hope this helps.
Somewhat relatedly, I often find that even when I don’t know what is causing me to feel anxious (which I often don’t), saying out loud that I’m feeling anxious for no reason I understand is oddly helpful.
My shorthand for this used to be “I’m afraid demons will eat my children,” but I stopped using that when I noticed that I had stopped treating it as an absurd statement (despite not having children, among other things).
When it comes to a thought like that, I would ask: “How bad would it be if other people think that I’m to late to emphasize my own importance?”
How much negative utility would be created? How much money would I pay to prevent that this effect happens?
If a person thinks that I’m a vicious racist based on what I say, than that person is crazy and we aren’t a good match. I would rather spend my time with other people so it’s no problem that the guy isn’t texting me.
I like those techniques and I’ve used variations of them myself in the past. They can definitely make the worry vanish if you hit the right note. I’m really after something more though. I’ve got this idea that the worries in the first place are the result of learned automatic emotional responses that can be unlearned. I’m not trying to force this idea on anyone but the desire to discuss this possibility is what motivated this post. If a particular worry is the result of a learned automatic emotional response and that response can be unlearned then they won’t have to do any of those things. Not that those aren’t good techniqes—they are.
I share this idea. And I experience pretty significant insecurity and social anxiety (mingling makes me sweat bullets).
I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the techniques mentioned as not the “something more” you are looking for.
If the model for cultivating the “learned automatic emotional responses” that leads to worry involved years of subconcious, negative, irrational self-talk (e.g. “everyone is looking at me and thinks I’m overdressed and has concluded I’m a social moron! Ah!’), then I think it is at least plausible that the reciprocal—conscious, rational, postitive self-talk—may improve the situation over time and with substantial practice. The reality is most people don’t care to criticize us nearly as much as insecure people perceive they do… but it can take time to correct your perception once it has gone askew.
Is there a quick-fix/mind-hack? Maybe. Is it possible this is the sort of thing that requires patience and consistent effort to overcome? I think it is very possible.