Thanks really helpful post. I’ve never had a close physical partner relationship and I’m not sure the kind of damage that has done to my affective state. I suspect an awful lot. But it has become the norm for me and find it extremely difficult to even relate to someone who is not in that situation. I’ve also developed a strong distaste(hatred) for normative behaviour w.r.t settling down and having kids even having a partner. I’m in a situation where it comes across as a personality death sentence. Also I struggle with the having of kids idea. So there’s a lot there that I don’t even no where to begin unravelling the problem especially since the problem has become a part of who I am.
As for the exercise front for example, I’d say I’m in the 90th+ percentile of my local society or even the world I’ve no data on the amount of people with 6 packs(me: 85kg 1.85meters body fat level where I can see my abs) but most men my age (30.5 rotations of the sun) have double chins. This does not seem to translate well w.r.t attracting females I find attractive. Maybe I don’t get out enough? My housemate tells me that the physical attractiveness of a man can be distorted when they open their mouth. I’m pretty sure my conversational behaviour and body language are rank with inadequacy, maybe even, juvenile.
The job situation is a crisis zone. I’m a software engineer, quelle suprise but I’ve never really embraced it, while I’m a good coder and have great grades and some decent experience, I’ve wasted a lot of opportunity in the world of s/w dev. My guess is the powerful, “call the shots” kind of people in the industry are usually people I don’t like, I find the developer, manager personality split nauseating (or maybe I’m imagining that split). On meta level I think my analytical skills could be put to better use somewhere else (MSc in CompSci, Machine Learning/CogSci). Pay isn’t so bad but definitely not good enough for me to have the lifestyle of my contemporaries in Dublin.
I’ve also developed a strong distaste(hatred) for normative behaviour w.r.t settling down and having kids even having a partner.
Not wanting them is ok too, you know.
My housemate tells me that the physical attractiveness of a man can be distorted when they open their mouth.
Most of male attractiveness today is determined by signals of intelligence, wealth and social power. It doesn’t matter if you look like Brad Pitt if your social skills suck. Don’t commit the typical mind fallacy when thinking about attraction. Women don’t think like you do.
No and probably not. Don’t get me wrong, there are also important similarities between men and women. Social skills are complex, and I recommend you improve them more generally if you really care about becoming better with women. This will get you actual social power, and help with getting a better job. You could also gain allies that can help you with women both directly and by teaching you by example.
Here’s a resource on social skills that might help you get started.
Improving your life in other ways will make it more interesting to other people.
Hi, just wanted to chime in with a recommendation for dealing with times of feeling depressed: try moodscope.com. It’s a site that offers a very short survey / game that you can take / play to register your current mood.
You can use it daily, or just log in whenever you’re feeling especially up or down. I think I usually come off as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I get depressed too. I found it to be surprisingly helpful to acknowledge and express those feelings. Tracking these moods on moodscope helps me to see that how I feel is very much related to temporary circumstances and is subject to change.
Another feature of the site that I recommend is sharing your scores with a trusted friend. My best friend and I do this, so we each get an email when the other registers a score. One of the ways that this is useful is that it lowers the barriers to reaching out for help. If I’m feeling down, I don’t have to track someone down and launch into a big explanation. I can just fill out a moodscope, which I find useful on its own, and then if my friend sees it he might also ask me how I’m doing, which makes me feel better too.
I actually use Moodscope, probably because you mentioned it before? Unfortunately my average score since I started using it is 30%, there are large gaps for the summer time and my mood was better when I started using it first but not great. See my Moodscope Graph for a pic that’s worth a 1000 words. I don’t think moodscope is appropriate for me tbh. I need to avail of a stronger mental health treatment I think. :(
Oh, did I? I’m sorry to hear that it hasn’t turned out to be helpful. It sounds like you are serious about getting the help you need though. Identifying the problem is obviously one of the most important steps to the solution. :) Good luck, friend!
Thanks really helpful post. I’ve never had a close physical partner relationship and I’m not sure the kind of damage that has done to my affective state. I suspect an awful lot. But it has become the norm for me and find it extremely difficult to even relate to someone who is not in that situation. I’ve also developed a strong distaste(hatred) for normative behaviour w.r.t settling down and having kids even having a partner. I’m in a situation where it comes across as a personality death sentence. Also I struggle with the having of kids idea. So there’s a lot there that I don’t even no where to begin unravelling the problem especially since the problem has become a part of who I am.
As for the exercise front for example, I’d say I’m in the 90th+ percentile of my local society or even the world I’ve no data on the amount of people with 6 packs(me: 85kg 1.85meters body fat level where I can see my abs) but most men my age (30.5 rotations of the sun) have double chins. This does not seem to translate well w.r.t attracting females I find attractive. Maybe I don’t get out enough? My housemate tells me that the physical attractiveness of a man can be distorted when they open their mouth. I’m pretty sure my conversational behaviour and body language are rank with inadequacy, maybe even, juvenile.
The job situation is a crisis zone. I’m a software engineer, quelle suprise but I’ve never really embraced it, while I’m a good coder and have great grades and some decent experience, I’ve wasted a lot of opportunity in the world of s/w dev. My guess is the powerful, “call the shots” kind of people in the industry are usually people I don’t like, I find the developer, manager personality split nauseating (or maybe I’m imagining that split). On meta level I think my analytical skills could be put to better use somewhere else (MSc in CompSci, Machine Learning/CogSci). Pay isn’t so bad but definitely not good enough for me to have the lifestyle of my contemporaries in Dublin.
Think there is a causal link from your observation #1 to your observation #2?
Can’t get the ones I’m interested in so I don’t want them, perhaps? Bit of a catch 22.
Not wanting them is ok too, you know.
Most of male attractiveness today is determined by signals of intelligence, wealth and social power. It doesn’t matter if you look like Brad Pitt if your social skills suck. Don’t commit the typical mind fallacy when thinking about attraction. Women don’t think like you do.
Ya that’s for sure. Does that mean I have to think like them to get with them? Am I even capable of that. Sorry for the off topic post.
No and probably not. Don’t get me wrong, there are also important similarities between men and women. Social skills are complex, and I recommend you improve them more generally if you really care about becoming better with women. This will get you actual social power, and help with getting a better job. You could also gain allies that can help you with women both directly and by teaching you by example.
Here’s a resource on social skills that might help you get started.
Improving your life in other ways will make it more interesting to other people.
Hi, just wanted to chime in with a recommendation for dealing with times of feeling depressed: try moodscope.com. It’s a site that offers a very short survey / game that you can take / play to register your current mood.
You can use it daily, or just log in whenever you’re feeling especially up or down. I think I usually come off as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I get depressed too. I found it to be surprisingly helpful to acknowledge and express those feelings. Tracking these moods on moodscope helps me to see that how I feel is very much related to temporary circumstances and is subject to change.
Another feature of the site that I recommend is sharing your scores with a trusted friend. My best friend and I do this, so we each get an email when the other registers a score. One of the ways that this is useful is that it lowers the barriers to reaching out for help. If I’m feeling down, I don’t have to track someone down and launch into a big explanation. I can just fill out a moodscope, which I find useful on its own, and then if my friend sees it he might also ask me how I’m doing, which makes me feel better too.
I hope that helps!
I actually use Moodscope, probably because you mentioned it before? Unfortunately my average score since I started using it is 30%, there are large gaps for the summer time and my mood was better when I started using it first but not great. See my Moodscope Graph for a pic that’s worth a 1000 words. I don’t think moodscope is appropriate for me tbh. I need to avail of a stronger mental health treatment I think. :(
Oh, did I? I’m sorry to hear that it hasn’t turned out to be helpful. It sounds like you are serious about getting the help you need though. Identifying the problem is obviously one of the most important steps to the solution. :) Good luck, friend!
I should really ring the GP today.
Sounds like a good plan!