I’m assuming “relationship” here means something like “the explicit structure and boundaries of behavior as agreed upon by the parties”—friends, friends with benefits, marriage, polycule etc. People’s romantic feelings and expressions are rarely something that’s part of a relationship’s explicit structure, even if people often have a lot of implicit expectations about them. (And any of those named structures can include romantic feelings, or a lack thereof.)
I understand. So, just to be sure I’m not misinterpreting, the expression of romantic feelings isn’t a part of the explicit structure of the relationship, but the expression of the feelings of friendship is.
Nope—expression of feelings of friendship isn’t part of the explicit structure of friendship either. Lots of people are friends without saying anything about it.
All I’ve really said here is that the difference between VCFWB and a “romantic” relationship is difficult to discern, especially from the outside, and given that the nature of “romance” is both internal and optional to the relationship. If a pair of VCFWB’s stop having sex or hanging out or cuddling, it’s hard to say they’re still in a VCFWB relationship. But if people in a “romantic” relationship stop acting romantic with one another, they can still be said to be in a “romantic” relationship.
The overall point here is that describing “romantic” as if it is a property of a relationship rather than a property of people’s feelings is not a good carving of reality at the joints. People can have romantic feelings (or expression thereof) without having any relationship at all, let alone one with reciprocal romantic feelings.
(Indeed, romantic feelings are quite orthogonal to the type and nature of the relationship itself: the term “friend zone” highlights this point.)
So, from an epistemic view, my take is that it’s not only useless but confusing to describe a relationship as being romantic, since it’s not meaningfully a property of the relationship, but rather a set of feelings that come and go for (and about) parties in the relationship. How many feelings must happen? How often? Must they be reciprocal? Is it still romantic if neither party feels that way any more? What if they didn’t start out that way but are now?
I think that the bundle of things called “romantic relationship” are much better described structurally in terms of behavior, in order to avoid cultural projections and mismatched expectations between partners. One person might use it to mean “marriage for life”, while another might mean “passionate weekend affair”, after all! These more structurally-defined relationships can both be labeled a “romantic relationship” but this does not do a good job of defining a shared vision and expectations for the parties in said relationship.
IOW, I believe that everyone is better off taboo-ing the phrase “romantic relationship” in any serious discussion about relationships—especially a relationship they’ll personally be involved in!
I’m assuming “relationship” here means something like “the explicit structure and boundaries of behavior as agreed upon by the parties”—friends, friends with benefits, marriage, polycule etc. People’s romantic feelings and expressions are rarely something that’s part of a relationship’s explicit structure, even if people often have a lot of implicit expectations about them. (And any of those named structures can include romantic feelings, or a lack thereof.)
I understand. So, just to be sure I’m not misinterpreting, the expression of romantic feelings isn’t a part of the explicit structure of the relationship, but the expression of the feelings of friendship is.
Nope—expression of feelings of friendship isn’t part of the explicit structure of friendship either. Lots of people are friends without saying anything about it.
All I’ve really said here is that the difference between VCFWB and a “romantic” relationship is difficult to discern, especially from the outside, and given that the nature of “romance” is both internal and optional to the relationship. If a pair of VCFWB’s stop having sex or hanging out or cuddling, it’s hard to say they’re still in a VCFWB relationship. But if people in a “romantic” relationship stop acting romantic with one another, they can still be said to be in a “romantic” relationship.
The overall point here is that describing “romantic” as if it is a property of a relationship rather than a property of people’s feelings is not a good carving of reality at the joints. People can have romantic feelings (or expression thereof) without having any relationship at all, let alone one with reciprocal romantic feelings.
(Indeed, romantic feelings are quite orthogonal to the type and nature of the relationship itself: the term “friend zone” highlights this point.)
So, from an epistemic view, my take is that it’s not only useless but confusing to describe a relationship as being romantic, since it’s not meaningfully a property of the relationship, but rather a set of feelings that come and go for (and about) parties in the relationship. How many feelings must happen? How often? Must they be reciprocal? Is it still romantic if neither party feels that way any more? What if they didn’t start out that way but are now?
I think that the bundle of things called “romantic relationship” are much better described structurally in terms of behavior, in order to avoid cultural projections and mismatched expectations between partners. One person might use it to mean “marriage for life”, while another might mean “passionate weekend affair”, after all! These more structurally-defined relationships can both be labeled a “romantic relationship” but this does not do a good job of defining a shared vision and expectations for the parties in said relationship.
IOW, I believe that everyone is better off taboo-ing the phrase “romantic relationship” in any serious discussion about relationships—especially a relationship they’ll personally be involved in!