Is it a problem that anyone has put significant effort into? What’s the state of the evidence?
Now that I think about it, I’m a little surprised there isn’t a subculture of people trying to excel at sex, sort of the way pickup artist try an excel at getting sex.
Is this because there is no technique for for doing sex well? Because most people think there’s no technique for for doing sex well? Because sex is good enough already? Because sex is actually more about status than pleasure? Because such a subculture exits and I’m ignorant of it?
Data suggest that a fair number of woman don’t get orgasms during sex but the literature suggest that they could given the proper environment.
Squirting in women seems to happen seldom enough that the UK bans it in their porn for being abnormal. But of course sex is about more than just orgasm length and intensity ;)
Because such a subculture exits and I’m ignorant of it?
Yes. In general one of the think that distinguish the pickup artist community is that it’s full of people who rather sit in front of their computer to talk about techniques than interact face to face. That means you find a lot of information about it on the internet. Many of the people who are very kinesthetic don’t spend much time on the net.
But that doesn’t mean there no information available on the internet.
Getting ideas about how sex is supposed to work from porn is very bad. Porn is created to please the viewer, not the actors. Porn producers have to worry about issues like camera angles. Sensual touch can create feelings without looking good on the camera. Porn often ignores the state of mind of the actors.
Books on the other hand do provide some knowledge, even when they alone aren’t enough. Tim Ferriss has in it’s “The 4-Hour Body” book two chapters about the subject, including the basic anatomy lesson of how the g-spot works. Apart from that I’m not familiar with English literature on the subject but Tim Ferriss suggests among others http://www.tinynibbles.com/ for further reading.
The community in which I would expect the most knowledge are polyamorous people who speak very openly with each other.
Using our cherished rationality skills we can start to break the skill down into subareas:
1) Everybody is different. Don’t assume that every men or woman wants the same thing.
2) Consent: Don’t do something that your partner doesn’t want you to do to him. When in doubt, ask.
3) Mindset: Inconfidence and feeling pressure to perform can get in the way of being present. Various forms of “sex is bad”-beliefs can reduce enjoyment.
Authentic expression and doing in every moment what feels right, is a good frame. If you need something to occupy your mind, think in terms of investigation. Be curious about effects of your own actions. What happens in your own body? What happens in the body of your partner? How does it feel? Be always open for the present.
If you want to learn to be in that frame, classes in “Movement Science” (in dance studios) or contact improvisation can teach you to access that state of mind. In Berlin where I live that community also overlaps with the poly crowd.
4) Dominance
Higher testosterone and the behavior that it produces means better sex.
5) Open Communication
Creating a space where desires can be expressed without any fear of judgement is a skill that most people don’t have.
6) Fine control over your own body.
There are many ways to train those skills.
I’m a little surprised there isn’t a subculture of people trying to excel at sex.
I’m sure there is, but I don’t think it would want to be very… public about it. For one thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if competent professionals were very good (and very expensive).
Given Christianity’s prudishness (thank you, St.Augustine), you may also want to search outside of the Western world—Asia, including India, sound promising.
But as usual, one of the first questions is what do you want to optimize for. And don’t forget that men and women start from quite different positions.
Is “how do I get better at sex?” a solved problem?
Is it just a matter of getting a partner who will given you feedback and practicing?
I think “how do you get better”, mostly yes, but “how do you get to be very very good”, mostly no.
Ok. Is there a trick to that one or do you just need to have gotten the lucky genes?
“No”, as in “not a solved problem” implies that no one knows :-)
Whether you need lucky genes is hard to tell. Maybe all you need is lack of unlucky ones :-/
Is it a problem that anyone has put significant effort into? What’s the state of the evidence?
Now that I think about it, I’m a little surprised there isn’t a subculture of people trying to excel at sex, sort of the way pickup artist try an excel at getting sex.
Is this because there is no technique for for doing sex well? Because most people think there’s no technique for for doing sex well? Because sex is good enough already? Because sex is actually more about status than pleasure? Because such a subculture exits and I’m ignorant of it?
Data suggest that a fair number of woman don’t get orgasms during sex but the literature suggest that they could given the proper environment. Squirting in women seems to happen seldom enough that the UK bans it in their porn for being abnormal. But of course sex is about more than just orgasm length and intensity ;)
Yes. In general one of the think that distinguish the pickup artist community is that it’s full of people who rather sit in front of their computer to talk about techniques than interact face to face. That means you find a lot of information about it on the internet. Many of the people who are very kinesthetic don’t spend much time on the net.
But that doesn’t mean there no information available on the internet.
Getting ideas about how sex is supposed to work from porn is very bad. Porn is created to please the viewer, not the actors. Porn producers have to worry about issues like camera angles. Sensual touch can create feelings without looking good on the camera. Porn often ignores the state of mind of the actors.
Books on the other hand do provide some knowledge, even when they alone aren’t enough. Tim Ferriss has in it’s “The 4-Hour Body” book two chapters about the subject, including the basic anatomy lesson of how the g-spot works. Apart from that I’m not familiar with English literature on the subject but Tim Ferriss suggests among others http://www.tinynibbles.com/ for further reading.
The community in which I would expect the most knowledge are polyamorous people who speak very openly with each other.
Using our cherished rationality skills we can start to break the skill down into subareas:
1) Everybody is different. Don’t assume that every men or woman wants the same thing.
2) Consent: Don’t do something that your partner doesn’t want you to do to him. When in doubt, ask.
3) Mindset: Inconfidence and feeling pressure to perform can get in the way of being present. Various forms of “sex is bad”-beliefs can reduce enjoyment.
Authentic expression and doing in every moment what feels right, is a good frame. If you need something to occupy your mind, think in terms of investigation. Be curious about effects of your own actions. What happens in your own body? What happens in the body of your partner? How does it feel? Be always open for the present.
If you want to learn to be in that frame, classes in “Movement Science” (in dance studios) or contact improvisation can teach you to access that state of mind. In Berlin where I live that community also overlaps with the poly crowd.
4) Dominance Higher testosterone and the behavior that it produces means better sex.
5) Open Communication Creating a space where desires can be expressed without any fear of judgement is a skill that most people don’t have.
6) Fine control over your own body. There are many ways to train those skills.
7) Perceptions of the partner.
I’m sure there is, but I don’t think it would want to be very… public about it. For one thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if competent professionals were very good (and very expensive).
Given Christianity’s prudishness (thank you, St.Augustine), you may also want to search outside of the Western world—Asia, including India, sound promising.
But as usual, one of the first questions is what do you want to optimize for. And don’t forget that men and women start from quite different positions.
I don’t know what you mean by this.
The physiology of men and women is significantly different.