Most people are terrible. It’s a lot of work to sort the awesome people from the terrible people. I’ve had good luck using “gamer” “geek”, “queer”, and “kinky” as labels that tend to more reliably apply to interesting people or people I’m happy to get along with, but your mileage may vary. Every single one of my room-mates plays or used to play Magic the Gathering, for example.
Not making friends with the random people around you in college who are into drinking, sports, and dehumanizing women is, in my mind, a good sign. You shouldn’t force yourself to try and make friends with people who don’t share interests with you, or at least are interesting to talk to. Try talking to the people you see who are actively weird.
Try talking to the people you see who are actively weird.
I tried that a week ago. I now have this kid who just might be repressing some homosexuality following me around whenever he sees me (it’s the repression that I have a problem with, it manifests itself by him scaring the hell out of me and talking about obscure mythologies and creepy myths all the time, he seems to have serious psychological problems. He’s one of those kids who no one will talk to, so he gets creepier and creepier the more he’s left in isolation, and then a feedback loop happens. I talked to him out of pity and regret it).
I like the advice, in general. Are there additional filters I can apply?
Not exactly a filter, but if you make friends with a person who is awesome and who seems to have a lot of friends you should try to hang out with them as much as possible. Most of my friends end up being from friends I already had.
People who are in bands or theater tend to be fun, I like most people I’ve met who play Capoeira, Women with piercings and dyed/shaved hair tend to be more fun to talk to, and most people I’ve met who are in math programs or math graduates are awesome. As always, your mileage may vary on this sort of advice.
You said in another comment that you like gaming. Local game stores often have websites where they post information about which days of the week they encourage people to come in and play various kinds of games, from boardgames to minis to TCGS. Some even have pickup roleplaying groups you can just drop in and out of. I definitely recommend googling {Your Town’s Name} + game store, or looking at clubs run by your college. Even if your college seems too small to support subcultures they probably exist anyway.
I think it’s also helpful to look outside your immediate age group for friends. Many of my friends and most of the people I like best are several years older than me, because when I was meeting them around age 18 or whatever i found everyone around my age intolerable. Similarly, though you probably don’t want to hang around high schools you shouldn’t necessarily dismiss someone because they’re younger than you. This will probably make it harder to date though.
people around you in college who are into drinking
When I was in college, I once thought that I didn’t enjoy drinking. Turns out, I didn’t enjoy drinking with people who I was not friendly with (and I had poor social skills and thus few friends). But I really only learned that after following the equivalent of your excellent advice.
Hang on. Most people are really nice. Most put a confident facade over a good nature. Most are a bit lonely, unsure of their own value, and mainly worried about how other people see them. Most are full of interesting thoughts that they are shy to express in front of strangers. Most young people are idealistic to the point of charming naivety.
dehumanizing women
And the women. The ones being dehumanized. Who are they hanging out with? The evil dehumanizers, or the self-righteous nerds, full of anger, staring sullenly and lustfully at them from the corners?
Terrible is hyperbole. Most people, even though they’re nice, or secretly have interesting thoughts or whatever feel good stuff you say is true about them, are not going to be fun for me to hang out with.
Since when did I recommend being a lustful sullen staring cornernerd?
And the women. The ones being dehumanized. Who are they hanging out with?
You are reading a little more judgment into the post that I think is intended.
The women (and people generally) that are going to be enjoyable to spend time with are not hanging out with the hyper-masculine jocks. There’s no shame in noticing that, and picking social groups accordingly in order to try to find social companions. Particularly because the jocks are particularly poor at being reflective about their own social skills and the social skills of others.
Most people are terrible. It’s a lot of work to sort the awesome people from the terrible people. I’ve had good luck using “gamer” “geek”, “queer”, and “kinky” as labels that tend to more reliably apply to interesting people or people I’m happy to get along with, but your mileage may vary. Every single one of my room-mates plays or used to play Magic the Gathering, for example.
Not making friends with the random people around you in college who are into drinking, sports, and dehumanizing women is, in my mind, a good sign. You shouldn’t force yourself to try and make friends with people who don’t share interests with you, or at least are interesting to talk to. Try talking to the people you see who are actively weird.
I tried that a week ago. I now have this kid who just might be repressing some homosexuality following me around whenever he sees me (it’s the repression that I have a problem with, it manifests itself by him scaring the hell out of me and talking about obscure mythologies and creepy myths all the time, he seems to have serious psychological problems. He’s one of those kids who no one will talk to, so he gets creepier and creepier the more he’s left in isolation, and then a feedback loop happens. I talked to him out of pity and regret it).
I like the advice, in general. Are there additional filters I can apply?
Not exactly a filter, but if you make friends with a person who is awesome and who seems to have a lot of friends you should try to hang out with them as much as possible. Most of my friends end up being from friends I already had.
People who are in bands or theater tend to be fun, I like most people I’ve met who play Capoeira, Women with piercings and dyed/shaved hair tend to be more fun to talk to, and most people I’ve met who are in math programs or math graduates are awesome. As always, your mileage may vary on this sort of advice.
You said in another comment that you like gaming. Local game stores often have websites where they post information about which days of the week they encourage people to come in and play various kinds of games, from boardgames to minis to TCGS. Some even have pickup roleplaying groups you can just drop in and out of. I definitely recommend googling {Your Town’s Name} + game store, or looking at clubs run by your college. Even if your college seems too small to support subcultures they probably exist anyway.
I think it’s also helpful to look outside your immediate age group for friends. Many of my friends and most of the people I like best are several years older than me, because when I was meeting them around age 18 or whatever i found everyone around my age intolerable. Similarly, though you probably don’t want to hang around high schools you shouldn’t necessarily dismiss someone because they’re younger than you. This will probably make it harder to date though.
Friends are a much higher priority right now. Thanks for the good advice.
You’re welcome. Having gone from basically no friends to quite a few I feel like I owe it to past-mes to help em out
When I was in college, I once thought that I didn’t enjoy drinking. Turns out, I didn’t enjoy drinking with people who I was not friendly with (and I had poor social skills and thus few friends). But I really only learned that after following the equivalent of your excellent advice.
Hang on. Most people are really nice. Most put a confident facade over a good nature. Most are a bit lonely, unsure of their own value, and mainly worried about how other people see them. Most are full of interesting thoughts that they are shy to express in front of strangers. Most young people are idealistic to the point of charming naivety.
And the women. The ones being dehumanized. Who are they hanging out with? The evil dehumanizers, or the self-righteous nerds, full of anger, staring sullenly and lustfully at them from the corners?
Terrible is hyperbole. Most people, even though they’re nice, or secretly have interesting thoughts or whatever feel good stuff you say is true about them, are not going to be fun for me to hang out with.
Since when did I recommend being a lustful sullen staring cornernerd?
You are reading a little more judgment into the post that I think is intended.
The women (and people generally) that are going to be enjoyable to spend time with are not hanging out with the hyper-masculine jocks. There’s no shame in noticing that, and picking social groups accordingly in order to try to find social companions. Particularly because the jocks are particularly poor at being reflective about their own social skills and the social skills of others.