There is also the somewhat related problem of how to transition from pleasantries and chit-chat to the real point of the conversation when someone calls you on the phone. Sometimes people can stay in this mode for several minutes, and it’s hard to convey the message “So, why are you calling me?” in language that is socially acceptable. My solution—which I believe I borrowed from Randy Pausch—is to say, in a friendly tone of voice, “What can I do for you?”
Thank them for their time, sincerely, making sure the beginning of the statement acknowledges the value of the current thread of thought (“that’s absolutely fascinating...and thank you for sharing that with me”) and make sure your tone of voice descends at the end of the sentence; if they respond with confusion at this abrupt ending (it may appear so to them) let them know why you must go now or soon.
If your reason is impolite (“you’re a boring jackass”) you may wish to omit what you specifically think of them (the reasons why you think they are a jackass may have less to do with them and more to do with you and how you see the world subjectively, it’s something that needs to be checked out at some point) and simply indicate that you are in disagreement with them and that you lack the time and energy to properly present your position and that you may or may not get back to them later.
Yes. You can look at your watch, phone, or appointment book. You can adjust your posture and body language to turn slightly away, step back, and shift your weight to the foot farther away from the person, as if you were getting ready to walk away.
You can make comments that summarize the conversation or comment on it more generally: this kind of abstraction is a natural signal that the conversation is winding down. “This is a really good conversation,” “It’s really good to talk to you,” “You’ve given me a lot to think about,” and so forth.
You can also mention other things you have going on, such as “I’m working on homework for X class,” “I’ve got a test coming up,” “I’ve been doing a lot of work getting my house ready to sell,” which gives the other person a natural close: “Well, I’ll let you get back to your work. Good luck with X.”
Well, there are specific cues that can be given which indicate non-specific information; descending tones in a sentence tend towards definitive announcements and represent an appearance of authority, while ascending tones are inducements of affirmation or agreement. They are both useful in their context...but when you need to communicate the end of your involvement in a conversation, you may find it less than useful to seek consensus (which is what you would communicate with the ascending tone); instead you may wish to firmly communicate your boundary or limit (which you are more likely to do with a descending tone).
Blueberry’s suggestions are methods of breaking rapport, which is usually established by full-body mirroring in most people (mirroring posture, hand position, leg position, head tilt etc); rapport is a method of gaining comfort with someone you are dealing with and people in rapport are usually reluctant to leave it. Making a deliberate choice to do so can be an important step in easing oneself out of a conversation.
However, there are people out there who associate breaking with rapport with rejection of sorts; the reasons vary greatly and it usually boils down to a lack of clear boundaries between involvement in one’s life and involvement in another’s and where the line of separation is supposed to lie in their model of the world. At times like this, clearly stating your stance and your priorities (I have enjoyed spending time with you; I have a lot going on and need to attend these other things) helps clear some of this up (or at least gives them something to work with and induce a learning in them if you’re lucky) as does declaring when you expect to see them next as you go. Just make sure you are congruently communicating to the other person as you do so; mixed signals, as always, confuse things.
I don’t know how polite or nice it is, but what I generally do is wait for it to be my turn in the conversation, visibly react to a timepiece of some sort, and claim an appointment or pressing task that requires my attention. “Oh, geez, is it that late already? I’m sorry, but I really do have to (get going, do X, finish what I’m doing).”
I’ve known some people who are oblivious to this and essentially reply “Sure, that’s fine. Say, let’s talk about this other thing!” I find them troublesome. The best solution I know is firmness—“No, I’m sorry, but I really do have to work on something else now.”
In one particularly extreme case, I actually had to say “I need you to go away now,” but by that point I’d given up on polite.
Make them laugh and walk away. The laughter distracts them long enough for you to get far enough away that you are not in conversational proximity. Even a chuckle is sufficient.
As an added bonus, people who are not introspective will often hold opinions based around the last emotion they experienced in your presence.
I don’t think this method is polite, but it seems to work pretty well.
Yeah, I walked into that question. Inducing laughter in general is too big a question to answer, but I will explain the technique.
As background reading, I would recommend Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land. Mostly because it validates my belief that humor is often cruel. Really it is great reading for any alienated smart person.
I tried to observed my actions today as I used humor to escape conversation, and I was conscious of using the technique five times. I have concluded that actual clever wordplay or other comedic art is not necessary. While I have gotten in trouble for not “speaking like a human” before, this conversational strategy seems surprisingly effective at work or office situations (US, east coast).
Do not attempt this technique in situations when you can not guess at the social hierarchy or on solemn occasions.
Be adequately certain that the dominant member of the group you are trying to escape from is not disagreeing with you.
Demonstrate through tracking eye movement, reactive micro-expression, and body stance that you are engaged in the conversation. Failing that, watch the mouth of the person speaking focusing on the formation of words and sounds.
Wait for a pause in speaking, lean forward and start to smile with the edge of your mouth and eyes.
Magic part: Any inane thing you say will be taken as a joke. It’s the setup that triggers the response allowing the escape. If you don’t want your listeners to think you a moron, say something sarcastic or hyperbolic about yourself, about the topic being discussed if it is innocuous, or about the task you are going to perform. Remember not to step on their memes and to respect their status hierarchies.
Walk away at a leisurely pace if you want. If they are laughing with you, you may want to stay.
Thanks. This reminds me of something I’ve found which works well in the short run. I admit I haven’t checked for long term consequences.
It makes me crazy when people repeat themselves in short succession. If you listen, it’s possible to discover that Waiting for Godot is more realistic than a lot of more interesting theater.
Hypothesis: People repeat themselves if they aren’t sure they’re being heard, or, oddly (and I’ve done this myself) if they’re unsure of how what they’re saying will be received.
Solution: Smile at the person and repeat back what they said. Your body language is “I was so interested I remembered what you were saying” not “I heard it already and I’m bored”.
Observation: People stop repeating that particular thing. Yay!
However, they tend to seem a bit taken aback, though not hostile. I don’t know to what extent they feel comforted and heard and possibly surprised because they weren’t expecting that, and to what extent they’ve been embarrassed that their amount of repetition has been noted.
Hypothesis: People repeat themselves if they aren’t sure they’re being heard, or, oddly (and I’ve done this myself) if they’re unsure of how what they’re saying will be received.
I have worked hard to stop doing this. As a teen I’d often repeat something when it wouldn’t provoke a response. This is silly. I now realize that 9 out of 10 times the other person heard you perfectly well, so repeating what one said is counterproductive.
Also I’ve figured out that I should be louder. Everyone knows that one person who nobody likes because ze is too loud, but being too quiet is low status.
Observation: People stop repeating that particular thing. Yay!
Awesome I’ve tried this and it totally works. Thank you!
I hated it when it was done to me in my youth, and I still hate it when it’s done to me now. In fact, most repetitious and nagging patterns of speech make me shut up like a clam. I’m hardly as loquacious in person as I can be through text.
Except… I teach piano and guitar to children. And, in my teaching of habits of practice, I tend to repeat myself maybe a bit too much. I’m really trying to improve.
And also… hehe… I noticed myself introducing rationality techniques. ^_^; How to analyze and target your confusion and lack of understanding whilst reading new music that contain hitherto unseen musical notations or phrases. That’s how I’m used to learning.
In a work context, we have a useful convention that we can warn people that we have a “hard stop” at a particular time. Typically we say this at the start of a meeting, typically when we have another meeting (or some similar immovable obligation) at the scheduled end (or if we have to depart partway through).
I wish I knew how to politely and nicely end conversations, either with friends, strangers, whatever.
I know this one!
Shake their hand!
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/c7wby/ok_reddit_lets_make_itthe_list_of_real_life_cheat/c0qq9c6
There is also the somewhat related problem of how to transition from pleasantries and chit-chat to the real point of the conversation when someone calls you on the phone. Sometimes people can stay in this mode for several minutes, and it’s hard to convey the message “So, why are you calling me?” in language that is socially acceptable. My solution—which I believe I borrowed from Randy Pausch—is to say, in a friendly tone of voice, “What can I do for you?”
This is a pretty big one.
Thank them for their time, sincerely, making sure the beginning of the statement acknowledges the value of the current thread of thought (“that’s absolutely fascinating...and thank you for sharing that with me”) and make sure your tone of voice descends at the end of the sentence; if they respond with confusion at this abrupt ending (it may appear so to them) let them know why you must go now or soon.
If your reason is impolite (“you’re a boring jackass”) you may wish to omit what you specifically think of them (the reasons why you think they are a jackass may have less to do with them and more to do with you and how you see the world subjectively, it’s something that needs to be checked out at some point) and simply indicate that you are in disagreement with them and that you lack the time and energy to properly present your position and that you may or may not get back to them later.
Works 5⁄6 of the time.
This overlaps something I was wondering—whether there are subtle clues you can give that the conversation is winding down.
Yes. You can look at your watch, phone, or appointment book. You can adjust your posture and body language to turn slightly away, step back, and shift your weight to the foot farther away from the person, as if you were getting ready to walk away.
You can make comments that summarize the conversation or comment on it more generally: this kind of abstraction is a natural signal that the conversation is winding down. “This is a really good conversation,” “It’s really good to talk to you,” “You’ve given me a lot to think about,” and so forth.
You can also mention other things you have going on, such as “I’m working on homework for X class,” “I’ve got a test coming up,” “I’ve been doing a lot of work getting my house ready to sell,” which gives the other person a natural close: “Well, I’ll let you get back to your work. Good luck with X.”
Well, there are specific cues that can be given which indicate non-specific information; descending tones in a sentence tend towards definitive announcements and represent an appearance of authority, while ascending tones are inducements of affirmation or agreement. They are both useful in their context...but when you need to communicate the end of your involvement in a conversation, you may find it less than useful to seek consensus (which is what you would communicate with the ascending tone); instead you may wish to firmly communicate your boundary or limit (which you are more likely to do with a descending tone).
Blueberry’s suggestions are methods of breaking rapport, which is usually established by full-body mirroring in most people (mirroring posture, hand position, leg position, head tilt etc); rapport is a method of gaining comfort with someone you are dealing with and people in rapport are usually reluctant to leave it. Making a deliberate choice to do so can be an important step in easing oneself out of a conversation.
However, there are people out there who associate breaking with rapport with rejection of sorts; the reasons vary greatly and it usually boils down to a lack of clear boundaries between involvement in one’s life and involvement in another’s and where the line of separation is supposed to lie in their model of the world. At times like this, clearly stating your stance and your priorities (I have enjoyed spending time with you; I have a lot going on and need to attend these other things) helps clear some of this up (or at least gives them something to work with and induce a learning in them if you’re lucky) as does declaring when you expect to see them next as you go. Just make sure you are congruently communicating to the other person as you do so; mixed signals, as always, confuse things.
I don’t know how polite or nice it is, but what I generally do is wait for it to be my turn in the conversation, visibly react to a timepiece of some sort, and claim an appointment or pressing task that requires my attention. “Oh, geez, is it that late already? I’m sorry, but I really do have to (get going, do X, finish what I’m doing).”
I’ve known some people who are oblivious to this and essentially reply “Sure, that’s fine. Say, let’s talk about this other thing!” I find them troublesome. The best solution I know is firmness—“No, I’m sorry, but I really do have to work on something else now.”
In one particularly extreme case, I actually had to say “I need you to go away now,” but by that point I’d given up on polite.
Point behind them and say “Look, a three-headed monkey”, then run away.
“I’ve got to head out soon, anything else going on?”
For more formal/professional occasions, “I’ve got to head out in about 10 minutes, anything else we need to cover?”
Make them laugh and walk away. The laughter distracts them long enough for you to get far enough away that you are not in conversational proximity. Even a chuckle is sufficient.
As an added bonus, people who are not introspective will often hold opinions based around the last emotion they experienced in your presence.
I don’t think this method is polite, but it seems to work pretty well.
How do you make people laugh?
Yeah, I walked into that question. Inducing laughter in general is too big a question to answer, but I will explain the technique.
As background reading, I would recommend Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land. Mostly because it validates my belief that humor is often cruel. Really it is great reading for any alienated smart person.
I tried to observed my actions today as I used humor to escape conversation, and I was conscious of using the technique five times. I have concluded that actual clever wordplay or other comedic art is not necessary. While I have gotten in trouble for not “speaking like a human” before, this conversational strategy seems surprisingly effective at work or office situations (US, east coast).
Do not attempt this technique in situations when you can not guess at the social hierarchy or on solemn occasions.
Be adequately certain that the dominant member of the group you are trying to escape from is not disagreeing with you.
Demonstrate through tracking eye movement, reactive micro-expression, and body stance that you are engaged in the conversation. Failing that, watch the mouth of the person speaking focusing on the formation of words and sounds.
Wait for a pause in speaking, lean forward and start to smile with the edge of your mouth and eyes.
Magic part: Any inane thing you say will be taken as a joke. It’s the setup that triggers the response allowing the escape. If you don’t want your listeners to think you a moron, say something sarcastic or hyperbolic about yourself, about the topic being discussed if it is innocuous, or about the task you are going to perform. Remember not to step on their memes and to respect their status hierarchies.
Walk away at a leisurely pace if you want. If they are laughing with you, you may want to stay.
Well, at least I tried to answer the question.
Thanks. This reminds me of something I’ve found which works well in the short run. I admit I haven’t checked for long term consequences.
It makes me crazy when people repeat themselves in short succession. If you listen, it’s possible to discover that Waiting for Godot is more realistic than a lot of more interesting theater.
Hypothesis: People repeat themselves if they aren’t sure they’re being heard, or, oddly (and I’ve done this myself) if they’re unsure of how what they’re saying will be received.
Solution: Smile at the person and repeat back what they said. Your body language is “I was so interested I remembered what you were saying” not “I heard it already and I’m bored”.
Observation: People stop repeating that particular thing. Yay!
However, they tend to seem a bit taken aback, though not hostile. I don’t know to what extent they feel comforted and heard and possibly surprised because they weren’t expecting that, and to what extent they’ve been embarrassed that their amount of repetition has been noted.
I have worked hard to stop doing this. As a teen I’d often repeat something when it wouldn’t provoke a response. This is silly. I now realize that 9 out of 10 times the other person heard you perfectly well, so repeating what one said is counterproductive.
Also I’ve figured out that I should be louder. Everyone knows that one person who nobody likes because ze is too loud, but being too quiet is low status.
Awesome I’ve tried this and it totally works. Thank you!
My word, I do it too, and I never realized!
I hated it when it was done to me in my youth, and I still hate it when it’s done to me now. In fact, most repetitious and nagging patterns of speech make me shut up like a clam. I’m hardly as loquacious in person as I can be through text.
Except… I teach piano and guitar to children. And, in my teaching of habits of practice, I tend to repeat myself maybe a bit too much. I’m really trying to improve.
And also… hehe… I noticed myself introducing rationality techniques. ^_^; How to analyze and target your confusion and lack of understanding whilst reading new music that contain hitherto unseen musical notations or phrases. That’s how I’m used to learning.
What kind of issues do you have at present with ending conversations? How is your current technique deficient?
In a work context, we have a useful convention that we can warn people that we have a “hard stop” at a particular time. Typically we say this at the start of a meeting, typically when we have another meeting (or some similar immovable obligation) at the scheduled end (or if we have to depart partway through).