As has been suggested by others: different people need different things to “feel special” in the sense you mean it here.
Some people have their sense of relationship-specialness diminished when their partner goes out to see a movie without them, or when their partner expresses the sense that someone else is attractive, or when their partner goes to the office instead of staying home with them, or when their partner chooses to spend holidays with his or her birth family, or when their partner socializes with someone other than them, or when their partner kisses someone other than them, or when their partner has sex with someone other than them, or when their partner establishes a long-term sexual or romantic relationship with someone other than them, or etc. or etc. or etc.
It’s not particularly helpful to talk about what ought to diminish my sense of relationship-specialness. If I know what does in fact diminish it, and I can find a way of operating in the world that meets my needs given that (either by changing my preferences to suit my current environment, or changing my environment to suit my current preferences, or a combination), then I will feel more special than if I don’t.
The idea that there’s some particular way of expressing relationship-specialness that is privileged, and people for whom that mode of expression is necessary and sufficient are somehow more correct than people for whom it is not, is often a consequence of mistaking one’s own personal state (or one’s culture’s preferred state) for an ineluctable human condition.
I agree with most of what you say here. I did not intend to imply you ought to feel or behave a certain way, so apologies if it seemed that way. I just don’t/didn’t understand, and would like to. Thanks for chiming in. (Didn’t realize how many poly folks were on the message board.)
Oh, don’t worry, I wasn’t feeling personally targeted. And just to avoid confusion: I’m not actually poly myself; I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for ~20 years and have no particular desire to alter that condition. But I live in a social circle where it is increasingly the default relationship option.
As has been suggested by others: different people need different things to “feel special” in the sense you mean it here.
Some people have their sense of relationship-specialness diminished when their partner goes out to see a movie without them, or when their partner expresses the sense that someone else is attractive, or when their partner goes to the office instead of staying home with them, or when their partner chooses to spend holidays with his or her birth family, or when their partner socializes with someone other than them, or when their partner kisses someone other than them, or when their partner has sex with someone other than them, or when their partner establishes a long-term sexual or romantic relationship with someone other than them, or etc. or etc. or etc.
It’s not particularly helpful to talk about what ought to diminish my sense of relationship-specialness. If I know what does in fact diminish it, and I can find a way of operating in the world that meets my needs given that (either by changing my preferences to suit my current environment, or changing my environment to suit my current preferences, or a combination), then I will feel more special than if I don’t.
The idea that there’s some particular way of expressing relationship-specialness that is privileged, and people for whom that mode of expression is necessary and sufficient are somehow more correct than people for whom it is not, is often a consequence of mistaking one’s own personal state (or one’s culture’s preferred state) for an ineluctable human condition.
I agree with most of what you say here. I did not intend to imply you ought to feel or behave a certain way, so apologies if it seemed that way. I just don’t/didn’t understand, and would like to. Thanks for chiming in. (Didn’t realize how many poly folks were on the message board.)
Oh, don’t worry, I wasn’t feeling personally targeted. And just to avoid confusion: I’m not actually poly myself; I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for ~20 years and have no particular desire to alter that condition. But I live in a social circle where it is increasingly the default relationship option.