I think a decent litmus test for a “friend” is someone who you enjoy spending time with, and who you can reliably invite to hang out with you. You could rephrase this I suppose as someone who you enjoy spending time with, who enjoys spending time with you, where this knowledge is mutually available. Right now I only have one friend who clearly meets the criteria for this definition, though I have a few that come close. My tentative goal is to have five such friends, maybe by Thanksgiving break or so in college.
I’ll admit that it’s hard for me to find people who I genuinely relate to, enjoy spending time with and can feel comfortable “being myself” around, and I’m not sure if this has something to do with my own social strategies or if this is an unchangeable thing.
Popularity is a little more hard to pin down. I think what I want includes a mix of these qualities:
In general, people like me
In general, people respect me
I have a wide range of acquaintances that I can talk to on friendly terms
To the extent that my social group resembles a tribe, I have a relatively high level of tribal status. (I’m not sure if college social groups will resemble a tribal hierarchy to the same extent that high school does or this is something people leave behind.)
I am seen as high-status, i.e. someone who it is desirable to be friends with.
My friends value me—i.e. people will invite me to parties and the like because they will enjoy my presence there.
Obviously some of this is kind of unrealistic and selfish but it’s an ideal, I guess.
These goals are not as hard as you’d think to achieve. I’ve basically gotten all of these by being active in several organizations on campus.
Just doing that gave more opportunities to talk to people, which as drethelin said, is very useful. If you take charge in organizing things, it helps a huge amount with social respect/status. The wide range of acquaintances happens by default.
You do have to make the effort to start hanging out with people outside the regular meetings though. It’s pretty easy to do that if the meeting is just before a meal time, because then there’s the convenient suggestion of eating together. In other cases, invite them to a party, along with several other people. Being known as the one who organizes groups is very useful for your goals.
These goals are not as hard as you’d think to achieve. I’ve basically gotten all of these by being active in several organizations on campus.
This is comforting.
Out of curiosity, what kind of organizations are you active in? I’m trying to think of stereotypical campus organizations and isolate ones that I would enjoy, and I can’t come up with too many. I like chess, so I guess if there’s a chess club on campus I’ll at least check it out, but that’s all I can think of.
I speak from experience: Go to something new every week, or every day early when classes are light. As much as you can stand. You figure out what you like by trying things and not going back to lame events.
I am an introvert, and I found it easy to make friends in college in the right clubs. When everyone shares an interest, it’s easy repeatedly meet people and interact.
I’m in Secular Alliance, Queers and Associates, my school’s circus club, massage, and our BDSM club. There are a few others that I go to when I can, but those are the main ones.
I second BrassLion’s advice. Also, look at all the clubs ones that seem interesting, and sign up for their listhost as a reminder to go to them.
I think a decent litmus test for a “friend” is someone who you enjoy spending time with, and who you can reliably invite to hang out with you. You could rephrase this I suppose as someone who you enjoy spending time with, who enjoys spending time with you, where this knowledge is mutually available. Right now I only have one friend who clearly meets the criteria for this definition, though I have a few that come close. My tentative goal is to have five such friends, maybe by Thanksgiving break or so in college.
I’ll admit that it’s hard for me to find people who I genuinely relate to, enjoy spending time with and can feel comfortable “being myself” around, and I’m not sure if this has something to do with my own social strategies or if this is an unchangeable thing.
Popularity is a little more hard to pin down. I think what I want includes a mix of these qualities:
In general, people like me
In general, people respect me
I have a wide range of acquaintances that I can talk to on friendly terms
To the extent that my social group resembles a tribe, I have a relatively high level of tribal status. (I’m not sure if college social groups will resemble a tribal hierarchy to the same extent that high school does or this is something people leave behind.)
I am seen as high-status, i.e. someone who it is desirable to be friends with.
My friends value me—i.e. people will invite me to parties and the like because they will enjoy my presence there.
Obviously some of this is kind of unrealistic and selfish but it’s an ideal, I guess.
These goals are not as hard as you’d think to achieve. I’ve basically gotten all of these by being active in several organizations on campus.
Just doing that gave more opportunities to talk to people, which as drethelin said, is very useful. If you take charge in organizing things, it helps a huge amount with social respect/status. The wide range of acquaintances happens by default.
You do have to make the effort to start hanging out with people outside the regular meetings though. It’s pretty easy to do that if the meeting is just before a meal time, because then there’s the convenient suggestion of eating together. In other cases, invite them to a party, along with several other people. Being known as the one who organizes groups is very useful for your goals.
Thank you for the advice!
This is comforting.
Out of curiosity, what kind of organizations are you active in? I’m trying to think of stereotypical campus organizations and isolate ones that I would enjoy, and I can’t come up with too many. I like chess, so I guess if there’s a chess club on campus I’ll at least check it out, but that’s all I can think of.
I speak from experience: Go to something new every week, or every day early when classes are light. As much as you can stand. You figure out what you like by trying things and not going back to lame events.
I am an introvert, and I found it easy to make friends in college in the right clubs. When everyone shares an interest, it’s easy repeatedly meet people and interact.
I will strongly consider doing this. Thank you.
I’m in Secular Alliance, Queers and Associates, my school’s circus club, massage, and our BDSM club. There are a few others that I go to when I can, but those are the main ones.
I second BrassLion’s advice. Also, look at all the clubs ones that seem interesting, and sign up for their listhost as a reminder to go to them.
Wow, that must be interesting.
Yep, I enjoy it a lot. Came my first year in college because I was vaguely curious, and it ended up becoming a pretty big part of my life!