I see two ways to hack the need for validation, but they sort of run in opposite directions: creating, or hanging around, a community where you’re the most or one of the most competent person around. This helps a lot because validation is fluid, is not necessarily related to romantic appreciation but also to social status. A second way that I sometimes practice is to go in a place full of attractive people and begin looking each in the eyes, smiling. More often than not, they will reciprocate and it doesn’t take much to fill your romantic validation meter, we are (at least, males are) very good at self-deluding. Bonus tip: calisthenics or a home-gym are effective ways of training, you do not need to necessarily run to train alone.
A second way that I sometimes practice is to go in a place full of attractive people and begin looking each in the eyes, smiling. More often than not, they will reciprocate...
This strikes me as weird. I think it’s generally a good thing to smile and look people in the eyes vs. not smiling and keeping your eyes low....but to find a place that is full of “attractive” people and then systematically smiling & eye contacting them for the purpose of boosting your “romantic validation level” seems off.
Can you elaborate on what you think this is accomplishing?
If a person I find attractive smiles at me, I tend to think that she finds me attractive, and the thought oozes into believing that I am attractive. Even when the smile came simply from reciprocation. True, it’s a long-ish chain of stimuli, but I noticed that it works for me, so I suggested it.
So, you get the sort of “romantic validation” you need from getting people to smile back at you? Even if you are aware it’s likely just polite reciprocation that you willingly delude yourself into believing is something more?
You are supposing that my conscious and unconscious mind are one and the same. I know that it’s probably politeness. My unconscious does not, and I get a kick out of it. It’s not even self-deception, they are two separate system altogether. As I said, it works for me.
You are supposing that my conscious and unconscious mind are one and the same.
No. Only that being consciously aware of the intentions of your smiling/eye-contacting targets must limit it’s value in being anything resembling authentic romantic validation. If it doesn’t—if you are actually able to game this in a significant way through some combination of self delusion and pure unconscious engagement—then that strikes me as weird. Because it is such a significant departure from the reality of what is going on when you smile at people and they smile back.
I guess I would accept this as “social validation”. And, you could say it’s “romantic” in nature if your smiling/eye-contacting targets were attractive to you in a romantic way, I guess. But this is soooooooooo far away from anything like the sort of “romantic validation” experienced in actual romantic relationships that it still seems weird to use as a suitable alternative given the context as I understand it.
Out of curiosity, can you use this romantic validation hack on people who are paid to be nice to you? Like a store clerk?
Only that being consciously aware of the intentions of your smiling/eye-contacting targets must limit it’s value in being anything resembling authentic romantic validation
Why?
But this is soooooooooo far away from anything like the sort of “romantic validation” experienced in actual romantic relationships
How do you know?
Note: it might be the case that I’m supremely weird. Who knows, it can be true. But what strikes me as odd is: as far as I can tell you have only your experience on romantic validation, how can you say that what you feel is the reality for everybody else? As I said for the nth time, it works for me. It might work for others, it’s a thing you can try and see if it works. It’s a hack, after all. What is weird for me is your sense of certainty regarding the way people should feel in such matters.
Out of curiosity, can you use this romantic validation hack on people who are paid to be nice to you? Like a store clerk?
Sure. I mistake politeness for interest every damn time :)
But what strikes me as odd is: as far as I can tell you have only your experience on romantic validation, how can you say that what you feel is the reality for everybody else?
You aren’t arguing over actual feelings, you are arguing over word labels to attach to them (“romantic validation” vs “social validation”).
Note: it might be the case that I’m supremely weird. Who knows, it can be true. But what strikes me as odd is: as far as I can tell you have only your experience on romantic validation, how can you say that what you feel is the reality for everybody else?
As I said for the nth time, it works for me. It might work for others, it’s a thing you can try and see if it works. It’s a hack, after all.
What is weird for me is your sense of certainty regarding the way people should feel in such matters.
I’ve had a romantic relationship. And I’ve smiled at and eye-contacted attractive people. They aren’t the same.
Normal people do this all the time. They just don’t verbalize it.
I get the sense that you’re not against the action but the phrasing. You agree that it’s generally a good thing to do what MrMind is suggesting, but that it seems off to… do exactly what MrMind is suggesting. Clearly you’re okay with someone subconsciously choosing to smile at people who pass because it makes them feel good, but you have a problem with someone explicitly describing the process with literal phrasing such as “romantic validation level”.
Normal people do this all the time. They just don’t verbalize it.
I don’t think so.
I think it’s a good idea to generally be assertive and friendly with your posture and eye contact. This will generally lead to better interactions socially. These interactions will sometimes include members of whichever sex you prefer. And these people will sometimes be attractive to you. (They might sometimes be attracted to you...)
But there is something distinct between this and the sort of “romantic validation” one might get from an actual relationship. You could argue the difference is only a matter of degree, but it is still significant...significant to the level it is weird to think you are getting anything resembling bona fide “romantic validation” from playing some kind of intentional eye contact/smile reciprocation game with strangers you deem to be “attractive” and then deluding yourself into believing there is a romantic connection happening.
creating, or hanging around, a community where you’re the most or one of the most competent person around.
I don’t recommend this. It leads to a variety of undesirable consequences, from letting your standards slip to developing unhealthy levels of arrogance.
How about getting a balance? Sometimes you could hang around a community where you’re one of the most competent people around, and at other times you could put yourself in a position where you’re a student to most of the other members.
This seems to get the benefit MrMind was describing without the drawback you’ve identified.
I see two ways to hack the need for validation, but they sort of run in opposite directions: creating, or hanging around, a community where you’re the most or one of the most competent person around. This helps a lot because validation is fluid, is not necessarily related to romantic appreciation but also to social status.
A second way that I sometimes practice is to go in a place full of attractive people and begin looking each in the eyes, smiling. More often than not, they will reciprocate and it doesn’t take much to fill your romantic validation meter, we are (at least, males are) very good at self-deluding.
Bonus tip: calisthenics or a home-gym are effective ways of training, you do not need to necessarily run to train alone.
Don’t overdo that. YMMV, but being around people much less competent than me makes me cringe a lot.
Don’t overdo anything!
Good point! (Though certain things are harder to not overdo than others.)
This strikes me as weird. I think it’s generally a good thing to smile and look people in the eyes vs. not smiling and keeping your eyes low....but to find a place that is full of “attractive” people and then systematically smiling & eye contacting them for the purpose of boosting your “romantic validation level” seems off.
Can you elaborate on what you think this is accomplishing?
If a person I find attractive smiles at me, I tend to think that she finds me attractive, and the thought oozes into believing that I am attractive. Even when the smile came simply from reciprocation.
True, it’s a long-ish chain of stimuli, but I noticed that it works for me, so I suggested it.
So, you get the sort of “romantic validation” you need from getting people to smile back at you? Even if you are aware it’s likely just polite reciprocation that you willingly delude yourself into believing is something more?
You are supposing that my conscious and unconscious mind are one and the same.
I know that it’s probably politeness. My unconscious does not, and I get a kick out of it.
It’s not even self-deception, they are two separate system altogether.
As I said, it works for me.
No. Only that being consciously aware of the intentions of your smiling/eye-contacting targets must limit it’s value in being anything resembling authentic romantic validation. If it doesn’t—if you are actually able to game this in a significant way through some combination of self delusion and pure unconscious engagement—then that strikes me as weird. Because it is such a significant departure from the reality of what is going on when you smile at people and they smile back.
I guess I would accept this as “social validation”. And, you could say it’s “romantic” in nature if your smiling/eye-contacting targets were attractive to you in a romantic way, I guess. But this is soooooooooo far away from anything like the sort of “romantic validation” experienced in actual romantic relationships that it still seems weird to use as a suitable alternative given the context as I understand it.
Out of curiosity, can you use this romantic validation hack on people who are paid to be nice to you? Like a store clerk?
Why?
How do you know?
Note: it might be the case that I’m supremely weird. Who knows, it can be true. But what strikes me as odd is: as far as I can tell you have only your experience on romantic validation, how can you say that what you feel is the reality for everybody else?
As I said for the nth time, it works for me. It might work for others, it’s a thing you can try and see if it works. It’s a hack, after all.
What is weird for me is your sense of certainty regarding the way people should feel in such matters.
Sure. I mistake politeness for interest every damn time :)
You aren’t arguing over actual feelings, you are arguing over word labels to attach to them (“romantic validation” vs “social validation”).
I’ve had a romantic relationship. And I’ve smiled at and eye-contacted attractive people. They aren’t the same.
Of course I’ve only experienced my experiences.
Normal people do this all the time. They just don’t verbalize it.
I get the sense that you’re not against the action but the phrasing. You agree that it’s generally a good thing to do what MrMind is suggesting, but that it seems off to… do exactly what MrMind is suggesting. Clearly you’re okay with someone subconsciously choosing to smile at people who pass because it makes them feel good, but you have a problem with someone explicitly describing the process with literal phrasing such as “romantic validation level”.
I don’t think so.
I think it’s a good idea to generally be assertive and friendly with your posture and eye contact. This will generally lead to better interactions socially. These interactions will sometimes include members of whichever sex you prefer. And these people will sometimes be attractive to you. (They might sometimes be attracted to you...)
But there is something distinct between this and the sort of “romantic validation” one might get from an actual relationship. You could argue the difference is only a matter of degree, but it is still significant...significant to the level it is weird to think you are getting anything resembling bona fide “romantic validation” from playing some kind of intentional eye contact/smile reciprocation game with strangers you deem to be “attractive” and then deluding yourself into believing there is a romantic connection happening.
I don’t recommend this. It leads to a variety of undesirable consequences, from letting your standards slip to developing unhealthy levels of arrogance.
How about getting a balance? Sometimes you could hang around a community where you’re one of the most competent people around, and at other times you could put yourself in a position where you’re a student to most of the other members.
This seems to get the benefit MrMind was describing without the drawback you’ve identified.
It’s hard to argue against balance :-) at this point we’re in the “it depends” situation. It could work or it could fail.
However this advice contradicts a heuristic I have: “Try not to spend time surrounded by idiots”.
A time-honored heuristic if there ever was one. But the opposite is just as depressing.
You can be happy in a group of peers… or as a teacher.