Hey there amigo. I hope I can offer something resembling good advice for your 1⁄3 life crisis.
It appears to me these two statements are incompatible:
″...especially because my definition of failure included their definition of success: become some company manager, get an MBA, join the rat race”
“My 2004 self would have been quite impressed at how much I’ve achieved, but what I’m feeling right now is stagnation. Every time I hear of a new sensation writer under 30 I feel mortified that I haven’t been able to come up with anything half decent.”
In the first quote, you claim that you have no desire to “join the rat race”, and that the pressure to do so has caused myriad psychological issues.
In the second, you claim that you “feel mortified” when you “hear of a new sensation writer under 30″.
If the first statement is true, then why should the reality of the second make you feel anything? Do you want to be a sensation writer under 30 (or at 32)? Or do you not care about the rat race? Answering this question firmly and moving forward without regrets may aid your mental health!
To choose to be a writer cannot be to choose a life of fame. Fame does not necessarily come from good writing, nor are the institutions which decide who becomes famous set up to promote good writing—they are set up to make money. They are failed institutions in that regard, precisely for their successes. As zslastman pointed out, you may try being process, rather than results, oriented for this precise reason!
I think this next quote from you, in particular, shows that you entered something unaware of what it is you want:
“My second therapist said my chosen path as a writer was one that gave its best fruits in old age, but I don’t want more decades of dread and uncertainty.”
What does “best fruits” mean to you? Why does it come in old age? Why can’t it come right now? You want to be “a writer”, but your conception of what that means does not reflect reality. After all, aren’t you a “writer” right now? Or does being a “writer” mean being a sensation under 30? Or a sensation at 43 when you finally “make it”? Maybe you don’t want to be a “writer” at all. Maybe you want to be a sensation. That’s something else entirely. And given how arbitrary becoming a sensation is, and that the institutions which create sensations have little to do with individual (read: your) effort, if what you want is to be a sensation then you better also prepare for the price: decades of dread and uncertainty.
Something has to give. The nice thing about a “crisis” is that it implies a contradiction. Use the contradiction to illuminate the discrepancies within it between your conceptions and existing conditions. Hope this helps!
Very true. I hadn’t thought of it that way. By rejecting the corporate life of tie suits and promotions I’ve always liked to think I’m choosing a more genuine life, but maybe I just should admit I’m longing for another kind of prestige.
Your analysis reminds me of something Dale Carnegie said, that humans are ultimately defined by how they meet their need for greatness. I guess we can all agree that it’s not a bad thing to be uncomfortable with feeling unimportant.
However, the blurry difference between that aspiration and megalomania is one that worries me. I want to be excellent, to do something of value, to be admired; but I don’t want to delude myself. Reading LW has adjusted my estimate of my intelligence sharply downward, and currently one of my worst fears is that I’m only smart enough to not buy homeopathy, but not enough to actually improve my life.
currently one of my worst fears is that I’m only smart enough to not buy homeopathy, but not enough to actually improve my life.
That fear is pretty clearly unfounded—there are a LOT of stupid(er) people whose life is better than yours. I don’t think IQ is a binding constraint for you at the moment.
I want to be excellent, to do something of value, to be admired
From reading what you wrote I don’t believe you actually want to do something of value, rather it seems like you want to have done something of value. In the OP you said:
During that time it became clear to me that I wanted to be a writer.
All the writers whose blogs I read have very little respect for someone who “wants to be a writer”, as opposed to someone who wants to write. (This is not restricted to writing).
Incidentally, you wrote:
At their parties I feel alien, trying to understand conversations about authors and theories I ought to have read about but didn’t because I spent those formative years trying to not kill myself.
I don’t know what kind of theories are fashionable to talk about in Columbia, but if they’re anything like the ones similar people talk about in the US and Europe, they’re mostly nonsense, don’t worry that you don’t understand them.
Hey there amigo. I hope I can offer something resembling good advice for your 1⁄3 life crisis.
It appears to me these two statements are incompatible:
In the first quote, you claim that you have no desire to “join the rat race”, and that the pressure to do so has caused myriad psychological issues.
In the second, you claim that you “feel mortified” when you “hear of a new sensation writer under 30″.
If the first statement is true, then why should the reality of the second make you feel anything? Do you want to be a sensation writer under 30 (or at 32)? Or do you not care about the rat race? Answering this question firmly and moving forward without regrets may aid your mental health!
To choose to be a writer cannot be to choose a life of fame. Fame does not necessarily come from good writing, nor are the institutions which decide who becomes famous set up to promote good writing—they are set up to make money. They are failed institutions in that regard, precisely for their successes. As zslastman pointed out, you may try being process, rather than results, oriented for this precise reason!
I think this next quote from you, in particular, shows that you entered something unaware of what it is you want:
What does “best fruits” mean to you? Why does it come in old age? Why can’t it come right now? You want to be “a writer”, but your conception of what that means does not reflect reality. After all, aren’t you a “writer” right now? Or does being a “writer” mean being a sensation under 30? Or a sensation at 43 when you finally “make it”? Maybe you don’t want to be a “writer” at all. Maybe you want to be a sensation. That’s something else entirely. And given how arbitrary becoming a sensation is, and that the institutions which create sensations have little to do with individual (read: your) effort, if what you want is to be a sensation then you better also prepare for the price: decades of dread and uncertainty.
Something has to give. The nice thing about a “crisis” is that it implies a contradiction. Use the contradiction to illuminate the discrepancies within it between your conceptions and existing conditions. Hope this helps!
Very true. I hadn’t thought of it that way. By rejecting the corporate life of tie suits and promotions I’ve always liked to think I’m choosing a more genuine life, but maybe I just should admit I’m longing for another kind of prestige.
Your analysis reminds me of something Dale Carnegie said, that humans are ultimately defined by how they meet their need for greatness. I guess we can all agree that it’s not a bad thing to be uncomfortable with feeling unimportant.
However, the blurry difference between that aspiration and megalomania is one that worries me. I want to be excellent, to do something of value, to be admired; but I don’t want to delude myself. Reading LW has adjusted my estimate of my intelligence sharply downward, and currently one of my worst fears is that I’m only smart enough to not buy homeopathy, but not enough to actually improve my life.
LW is a pretty high IQ environment and most people at the lower end of intelligence on LW at still ahead of 90% of the population.
That fear is pretty clearly unfounded—there are a LOT of stupid(er) people whose life is better than yours. I don’t think IQ is a binding constraint for you at the moment.
From reading what you wrote I don’t believe you actually want to do something of value, rather it seems like you want to have done something of value. In the OP you said:
All the writers whose blogs I read have very little respect for someone who “wants to be a writer”, as opposed to someone who wants to write. (This is not restricted to writing).
Incidentally, you wrote:
I don’t know what kind of theories are fashionable to talk about in Columbia, but if they’re anything like the ones similar people talk about in the US and Europe, they’re mostly nonsense, don’t worry that you don’t understand them.