I agree that responses that imply genuine interest in the topic are better than ones that imply willingness to listen only as a favor to the other person, but I am not sure how to create such responses without losing some appropriateness for cases where the other person doesn’t want to give details. Could you give some examples of responses that don’t imply the favor, and possibly guidelines for creating them?
(For reference, the 4 cases I’m currently considering are: just mentioned it for honesty, only wants acknowledgement/platitudes, actually wants to talk about it, and other.)
Also, I second Nornagest’s request (in the sibling to this post) for elaboration on why you dislike Captain Awkward. I personally have found it useful, but if there’s something to be wary of about it I’d like to know.
Having read a bunch of recent posts, I think that most of the things the Captain says (or has been saying lately, at least) are more or less reasonable. The undercurrent of eyes-narrowing, head-tilting, and nagging suspicion is mild to nonexistent for me, for most of these posts; and indeed much of the content seems like useful advice in general and potentially helpful to me personally.
However, I did find an example of one of the things I remember strongly, almost violently disliking about her views:
You: ”Hey, that was really mean” (see also: uncalled for, not cool, not okay, hurtful)
and Mean Guy:
Mansplains why it was actually funny
Doubles down on the jerky sentiments
Calls you too sensitive or questions your sense of humor
Blames his depression or makes it about some issue he has where he somehow can’t help it
ESPECIALLY if at the end of the above conversations you end up apologizing to him in some way
Or he says anything that is not in the vicinity of “I’m sorry, you’re right”–
(then, says Captain Awkward, you should not be friends with this person.)
This falls into the now-classic pattern of “I assert that you have spoken/acted Badly and Wrongly, and that I have been injured by your words/actions! You do not have the right to question that assertion; in fact, if you do anything other than meekly apologize and otherwise express your guilt and submission, you are a Bad Person.”
I have a very strong dislike of such thinking.
As an added bonus, I find the word “mansplain” to be repulsive, and anyone using it to be a big red flag. In this case, the red flag is for views/behaviors that are evident in any case.
ETA:This post, and the comments (including the Captain’s responses in the comments), actually demonstrates even more starkly why I antirecommend this blog.
ETA 2:The Site Policies page explains that misogyny in a comment will cause that comment to be deleted. In the next sentence, it’s stated that talking about misandry will also cause a comment to be deleted. “Misandry” is apparently a “code-word” that indicates the speaker is a Men’s Rights Activist (And That’s Bad™). (“Misogyny”, presumably, is not a “code-word”.)
It is clear, sadly, that this blog has far too much toxic ideology mixed in with the useful advice.
I didn’t know about Captain Awkward before this comment, and after reading those links I antirecommend it too for similar reasons. I suppose just antirecommending her gender-heavy posts could mitigate the problem. Ideology and advice is a bad mix.
… I am not sure how to create such responses without losing some appropriateness for cases where the other person doesn’t want to give details.
Yeah, that’s the problem. I have no solution, I’m afraid, other than to know the person you’re speaking with, and being able to predict what they prefer based on your knowledge of their personality.
As for Captain Awkward… I’m having a hard time verbalizing the reasons for my distaste… I will maybe read a post or two and see if I can elaborate/explain my view.
Interesting.
I agree that responses that imply genuine interest in the topic are better than ones that imply willingness to listen only as a favor to the other person, but I am not sure how to create such responses without losing some appropriateness for cases where the other person doesn’t want to give details. Could you give some examples of responses that don’t imply the favor, and possibly guidelines for creating them?
(For reference, the 4 cases I’m currently considering are: just mentioned it for honesty, only wants acknowledgement/platitudes, actually wants to talk about it, and other.)
Also, I second Nornagest’s request (in the sibling to this post) for elaboration on why you dislike Captain Awkward. I personally have found it useful, but if there’s something to be wary of about it I’d like to know.
Update re: my views on Captain Awkward:
Having read a bunch of recent posts, I think that most of the things the Captain says (or has been saying lately, at least) are more or less reasonable. The undercurrent of eyes-narrowing, head-tilting, and nagging suspicion is mild to nonexistent for me, for most of these posts; and indeed much of the content seems like useful advice in general and potentially helpful to me personally.
However, I did find an example of one of the things I remember strongly, almost violently disliking about her views:
(Captain Awkward suggests a test to determine whether you should stay friends with a “mean” person)
(then, says Captain Awkward, you should not be friends with this person.)
This falls into the now-classic pattern of “I assert that you have spoken/acted Badly and Wrongly, and that I have been injured by your words/actions! You do not have the right to question that assertion; in fact, if you do anything other than meekly apologize and otherwise express your guilt and submission, you are a Bad Person.”
I have a very strong dislike of such thinking.
As an added bonus, I find the word “mansplain” to be repulsive, and anyone using it to be a big red flag. In this case, the red flag is for views/behaviors that are evident in any case.
ETA: This post, and the comments (including the Captain’s responses in the comments), actually demonstrates even more starkly why I antirecommend this blog.
ETA 2: The Site Policies page explains that misogyny in a comment will cause that comment to be deleted. In the next sentence, it’s stated that talking about misandry will also cause a comment to be deleted. “Misandry” is apparently a “code-word” that indicates the speaker is a Men’s Rights Activist (And That’s Bad™). (“Misogyny”, presumably, is not a “code-word”.)
It is clear, sadly, that this blog has far too much toxic ideology mixed in with the useful advice.
I didn’t know about Captain Awkward before this comment, and after reading those links I antirecommend it too for similar reasons. I suppose just antirecommending her gender-heavy posts could mitigate the problem. Ideology and advice is a bad mix.
Yeah, that’s the problem. I have no solution, I’m afraid, other than to know the person you’re speaking with, and being able to predict what they prefer based on your knowledge of their personality.
As for Captain Awkward… I’m having a hard time verbalizing the reasons for my distaste… I will maybe read a post or two and see if I can elaborate/explain my view.