Sounds like “five hours” might be something worth the pain of practicing to extend. Maybe not for you, but outlier time-brittle properties like that in me worry me.
Refraining from pushing the five hour limit harder than I have to is a very important part of my mood maintenance, which lets me not be on drugs, in danger of hurting myself, or just plain unhappy all the time. The farther I let myself get, the harder it is to muster the motivation to use my recovery strategies, and the longer they take to work.
From my point of view this state of being seems unstable and unhealthy. I cannot imagine having my personal state of mind being so reliant on others.
I love having a good conversation with a friend. But I could also probably go for weeks without having such a thing. Probably the longest I’ve been alone is a week and I enjoyed it.
I can’t see from your viewpoint, but from my viewpoint you should do everything in your power to change how reliant you are on others. It seems like if you are so reliant on others that you are going to, consciously or not, change your values and beliefs merely to ensure that you have people who you can associate with.
I’m dependent on many things, and the ability to chat with people is one of the easiest to ensure among them. If I decide that I’m too dependent on external factors, I think I’ll kick the brie habit before I try to make my friends unnecessary.
I’m not sure whence your concern that I’ll change my values and beliefs to ensure that I have people I can associate with. I’d consider it really valuable evidence that something was wrong with my values and beliefs if nobody would speak to me because of them. That’s not the case—I have plenty of friends and little trouble making more when the opportunity presents itself—so I’m not sure why my beliefs and values might need to shift to ensure my supply.
Perhaps I misunderstood what your “dependency” actually is. If your dependency was that you really need people to approve of you (a classic dependency and the one I apparently wrongly assumed), then it seems like your psyche is going to be vastly molded by those around you.
If your dependency is one of human contact, than the pressure to conform would probably me much less of a thing to worry about.
I would like to address your first paragraph...”making your friends unnecessary” isn’t what I suggested. What I had in mind was making them not so necessary that you have to have contact with them every few hours.
Anyway, it’s all academic now, because if you don’t think it’s a problem, I certainly don’t think it’s a problem.
ETA: I did want to point out that I have changed over time. During my teenage years I was constantly trying to be popular and get others to like me. Now, I’m completely comfortable with being alone and others thinking I’m wrong or weird.
From my point of view this state of being seems unstable and unhealthy. I cannot imagine having my personal state of mind being so reliant on others.
If you cannot so imagine then perhaps making judgements on what is ‘unhealthy’ for a person that does rely so acutely on others may not be entirely reliable. If someone clearly has a different neurological makeup it can be objectionable to either say they should act as you do or that they should have a different neurological makeup.
It is absolutely fascinating to me to see the ‘be more like me’ come from the less extroverted to the extrovert.
It is absolutely fascinating to me to see the ‘be more like me’ come from the less extroverted to the extrovert.
Well, in fairness, my particular brand of extroversion really is more like a handicap than a skill. The fact that I need contact has made me, through sheer desperation and resulting time devoted to practice, okay at getting contact; but that’s something that was forced, not enabled, by my being an extrovert.
Well, in fairness, my particular brand of extroversion really is more like a handicap than a skill.
Definitely. It could get you killed. It had me wondering, for example, if the ~5 hours figure is highly context dependent: You are on a hike with a friend and 12 hours from civilisation. Your friend breaks a leg. He is ok, but unable to move far and in need of medical attention. You need to get help. Does the fact that every step you take is bound up in your dear friend’s very survival help at all? Or is the brain like “No! Heroic symbolic connection sucks. Gimme talking or physical intimacy now. 5 hours I say!”? (No offence meant by mentioning a quirk of your personality as a matter of speculative curiosity. I just know the context and nature of isolation does make a difference to me, even though it takes around 5 weeks for such isolation to cause noticeable degradation of my sanity.)
If it was my handicap I would be perfectly fine with an FAI capping any distress at, say, the level you have after 3 hours. Similarly, if I was someone who was unable to endure 5 consecutive hours of high stimulus social exposure without discombobulating I would want to have that weakness removed. But many people object to being told that their natural state is unhealthy or otherwise defective and in need of repair and I consider that objection a valid one.
I would certainly endure the discomfort involved in saving my friend in the scenario you describe. I’d do the same thing if saving my friend involved an uncomfortable but non-fatal period of time without, say, water, food, or sleep. That doesn’t mean my brain wouldn’t report on its displeasure with the deprivation while I did so.
water ~ few days food ~ a few weeks sleep ~ a few days social contact ~ a handful of hours
Water depends on temperature, food on exertion both mental and physical. I speculate if the context influenced the rate of depletion in similar manner.
I very intentionally had qualifiers a-many in my comment to try and make it apparent that I wasn’t “judging” Alicorn. “I cannot imagine” is perhaps the wrong phrase. “I find it hard to imagine” would be better, I think.
Perhaps I’m crazy, but I don’t think pointing out the disadvantages of the way someone thinks/feels is or should be objectionable.
If someone differs from me in what kind of vegetables taste good, or if they like dry humor, or whatever, I’m not going to try and tell them they may want to rethink their position. There’s no salient disadvantages to those sort of things.
If Alicorn had said, “I really prefer human contact and I just get a little uncomfortable without it after 5 hours” I wouldn’t have even brought it up.
If someone has a trait that does have particular disadvantages, I just don’t see how discussing it with them is objectionable.
Perhaps the person to say whether it’s objectionable would be Alicorn. :)
Sounds like “five hours” might be something worth the pain of practicing to extend. Maybe not for you, but outlier time-brittle properties like that in me worry me.
Refraining from pushing the five hour limit harder than I have to is a very important part of my mood maintenance, which lets me not be on drugs, in danger of hurting myself, or just plain unhappy all the time. The farther I let myself get, the harder it is to muster the motivation to use my recovery strategies, and the longer they take to work.
From my point of view this state of being seems unstable and unhealthy. I cannot imagine having my personal state of mind being so reliant on others.
I love having a good conversation with a friend. But I could also probably go for weeks without having such a thing. Probably the longest I’ve been alone is a week and I enjoyed it.
I can’t see from your viewpoint, but from my viewpoint you should do everything in your power to change how reliant you are on others. It seems like if you are so reliant on others that you are going to, consciously or not, change your values and beliefs merely to ensure that you have people who you can associate with.
I’m dependent on many things, and the ability to chat with people is one of the easiest to ensure among them. If I decide that I’m too dependent on external factors, I think I’ll kick the brie habit before I try to make my friends unnecessary.
I’m not sure whence your concern that I’ll change my values and beliefs to ensure that I have people I can associate with. I’d consider it really valuable evidence that something was wrong with my values and beliefs if nobody would speak to me because of them. That’s not the case—I have plenty of friends and little trouble making more when the opportunity presents itself—so I’m not sure why my beliefs and values might need to shift to ensure my supply.
Perhaps I misunderstood what your “dependency” actually is. If your dependency was that you really need people to approve of you (a classic dependency and the one I apparently wrongly assumed), then it seems like your psyche is going to be vastly molded by those around you.
If your dependency is one of human contact, than the pressure to conform would probably me much less of a thing to worry about.
I would like to address your first paragraph...”making your friends unnecessary” isn’t what I suggested. What I had in mind was making them not so necessary that you have to have contact with them every few hours.
Anyway, it’s all academic now, because if you don’t think it’s a problem, I certainly don’t think it’s a problem.
ETA: I did want to point out that I have changed over time. During my teenage years I was constantly trying to be popular and get others to like me. Now, I’m completely comfortable with being alone and others thinking I’m wrong or weird.
Well, I like approval. But for the purposes of not being lonely, a heated argument will do!
If you cannot so imagine then perhaps making judgements on what is ‘unhealthy’ for a person that does rely so acutely on others may not be entirely reliable. If someone clearly has a different neurological makeup it can be objectionable to either say they should act as you do or that they should have a different neurological makeup.
It is absolutely fascinating to me to see the ‘be more like me’ come from the less extroverted to the extrovert.
Well, in fairness, my particular brand of extroversion really is more like a handicap than a skill. The fact that I need contact has made me, through sheer desperation and resulting time devoted to practice, okay at getting contact; but that’s something that was forced, not enabled, by my being an extrovert.
Definitely. It could get you killed. It had me wondering, for example, if the ~5 hours figure is highly context dependent: You are on a hike with a friend and 12 hours from civilisation. Your friend breaks a leg. He is ok, but unable to move far and in need of medical attention. You need to get help. Does the fact that every step you take is bound up in your dear friend’s very survival help at all? Or is the brain like “No! Heroic symbolic connection sucks. Gimme talking or physical intimacy now. 5 hours I say!”? (No offence meant by mentioning a quirk of your personality as a matter of speculative curiosity. I just know the context and nature of isolation does make a difference to me, even though it takes around 5 weeks for such isolation to cause noticeable degradation of my sanity.)
If it was my handicap I would be perfectly fine with an FAI capping any distress at, say, the level you have after 3 hours. Similarly, if I was someone who was unable to endure 5 consecutive hours of high stimulus social exposure without discombobulating I would want to have that weakness removed. But many people object to being told that their natural state is unhealthy or otherwise defective and in need of repair and I consider that objection a valid one.
I would certainly endure the discomfort involved in saving my friend in the scenario you describe. I’d do the same thing if saving my friend involved an uncomfortable but non-fatal period of time without, say, water, food, or sleep. That doesn’t mean my brain wouldn’t report on its displeasure with the deprivation while I did so.
water ~ few days
food ~ a few weeks
sleep ~ a few days
social contact ~ a handful of hours
Water depends on temperature, food on exertion both mental and physical. I speculate if the context influenced the rate of depletion in similar manner.
I very intentionally had qualifiers a-many in my comment to try and make it apparent that I wasn’t “judging” Alicorn. “I cannot imagine” is perhaps the wrong phrase. “I find it hard to imagine” would be better, I think.
Perhaps I’m crazy, but I don’t think pointing out the disadvantages of the way someone thinks/feels is or should be objectionable.
If someone differs from me in what kind of vegetables taste good, or if they like dry humor, or whatever, I’m not going to try and tell them they may want to rethink their position. There’s no salient disadvantages to those sort of things.
If Alicorn had said, “I really prefer human contact and I just get a little uncomfortable without it after 5 hours” I wouldn’t have even brought it up.
If someone has a trait that does have particular disadvantages, I just don’t see how discussing it with them is objectionable.
Perhaps the person to say whether it’s objectionable would be Alicorn. :)