I have one issue, though. It may be poor form to alter your opening paragraph at this stage, Paul, but I’d appreciate it if you did. While it makes a very good ‘hook’ for those of us inclined to take cryonics seriously, it means that posting a link for other friends (as I’d otherwise do) will have the opposite effect than it should. (I am fairly sure that a person inclined to be suspicious of cryonics would read the first few lines only, departing in the knowledge that their suspicions were confirmed.)
An introduction that is at first glance equivocal would be a great improvement over one that is at first glance committed to the anti-cryonics viewpoint, for that reason.
I am inclined to agree, but I can’t work out how. I found it pretty difficult to get started writing that, and that way seemed to work. If you can give me any more specific ideas on how best to fix it, I might well try. Have saved first version in version control!
turn the opening sentence into a question, “Is cryonics pseudoscience ?”
change “is nothing more than wishful thinking” into “could be nothing more”, etc.
change “If you don’t believe that, you can read” into “This is the point of view argued in”
strike “This makes me sad, because”, so the sentence starts “To my naive eyes”
This way your hook is neutral enough to draw everyone in.
ETA: I would be careful with the £25/mo quote, until and unless you get a quote from Rudi Hoffman or elsewhere. At least mention that the pricing is one of those logistical issues you’ve promised to cover in further posts.
Cryonics is controversial. Critics claim the idea that we could freeze someone today in such a way that future technology might be able to re-animate them is nothing more than wishful thinking on the desire to avoid death, dressed up in scientific-sounding language. Criticisms include …
The Feynman anecdote actually seems to me like the best place to begin, both for literary interest and for a clearer introduction. If you started there, you could take the rest of that paragraph almost unchanged (inserting the parenthetical definition of cryonics from your current first paragraph) before introducing the skeptics’ links and continuing as before?
An excellent post.
I have one issue, though. It may be poor form to alter your opening paragraph at this stage, Paul, but I’d appreciate it if you did. While it makes a very good ‘hook’ for those of us inclined to take cryonics seriously, it means that posting a link for other friends (as I’d otherwise do) will have the opposite effect than it should. (I am fairly sure that a person inclined to be suspicious of cryonics would read the first few lines only, departing in the knowledge that their suspicions were confirmed.)
An introduction that is at first glance equivocal would be a great improvement over one that is at first glance committed to the anti-cryonics viewpoint, for that reason.
Thanks!
I am inclined to agree, but I can’t work out how. I found it pretty difficult to get started writing that, and that way seemed to work. If you can give me any more specific ideas on how best to fix it, I might well try. Have saved first version in version control!
Suggested edits:
turn the opening sentence into a question, “Is cryonics pseudoscience ?”
change “is nothing more than wishful thinking” into “could be nothing more”, etc.
change “If you don’t believe that, you can read” into “This is the point of view argued in”
strike “This makes me sad, because”, so the sentence starts “To my naive eyes”
This way your hook is neutral enough to draw everyone in.
ETA: I would be careful with the £25/mo quote, until and unless you get a quote from Rudi Hoffman or elsewhere. At least mention that the pricing is one of those logistical issues you’ve promised to cover in further posts.
Suggested edit:
I did something like this in the end.
The Feynman anecdote actually seems to me like the best place to begin, both for literary interest and for a clearer introduction. If you started there, you could take the rest of that paragraph almost unchanged (inserting the parenthetical definition of cryonics from your current first paragraph) before introducing the skeptics’ links and continuing as before?
Just had a go, but I can’t quite make it work; the skeptic’s links seem hard to introduce.
Agreed.