The relationship contract is very interesting. It’s good to have a concrete, realistic example of the ideas of polyamory put into practice.
Both parties have various veto powers. I imagine neither party has to explicitly use their veto power very often. As in politics, the possibility of a veto exists to ensure that both parties will always take the other’s desires into account.
There are two asymmetrical articles in that contract, and I was surprised to find that both of them are restrictions on what the woman can do. The first requires that her male secondary partners court her husband, and it’s explicitly stated that this is to allay his jealously. The second prohibits the wife from having penetrative sex with anyone besides her husband, and the explanation offered for this article doesn’t really explain why there isn’t a similar prohibition on the husband. I wonder if the real reason is the husband’s jealousy again. In any case, it seems the man in this relationship is more prone to jealousy than the woman.
I don’t know evolutionary psychology yet, but it’s a little astonishing to me how this asymmetry, particularly the emphasis on penetrative sex, seems to be precisely what the ev-psych stories told elsewhere in this thread tell us to expect.
Women are much less likely to be capable of achieving orgasm through penetrative sex than men, so the ban on penetrative sex for her may be less asymmetrical than you seem to think. After all, if she can easily achieve orgasm by several methods other than penetrative sex, but he prefers penetrative sex over other methods, then while there may be some jealousy active in the penetrative sex prohibition, it may also not be that much of a “sacrifice” for her.
It is also entirely possible that she feels more jealous when she knows her husband’s partners well, and therefore the requirement exists for him to know her partners, but not for her to know his partners. Different people react differently to these things.
It is also entirely possible that they have a BDSM relationship as well, and that he is the dominant partner. A lot of polyamorous BDSM relationships restrict the submissive partner more than the dominant partner.
Finally, I don’t personally read the veto as existing to ensure that both parties always take the other’s desires into account …. Remember that poly relationships tend to be much more highly-communicated, verbally, than the average mono relationship. I read it as intended for partners to be able to veto, not intended to force partners to think about each other. After all, if they weren’t thinking about each other, they wouldn’t have written this contract in the first place.
It is also entirely possible that she feels more jealous when she knows her husband’s partners well, and therefore the requirement exists for him to know her partners, but not for her to know his partners. Different people react differently to these things.
It is my hope that WrongBot’s next post will explore the varied facets of romantic jealousy.
While that contract isn’t unusual, it’s not typical either, in several ways.
First off, most poly relationships don’t have an explicit contract in place; negotiating rules and boundaries is standard, but putting them down on paper is uncommon, at least in part because many poly people want to change their rules as time goes on; for example, my girlfriend and I started off with quite a few rules, but we’ve been gradually removing those as she gets more and more comfortable with polyamory.
Second off, the contract creates a clear hierarchy, where one relationship is primary and any other relationships the two might form are necessarily less important. This is a pretty common arrangement, but far from universal.
Third, there’s a bit of controversy over veto rights in the poly community; they make some people feel more secure, but others argue that if your partner won’t take your preferences into account without veto power, then adding that power will only cause resentment. I lean towards the latter camp, but veto rights seem to be helpful for couples who are gradually transitioning from monogamy to polyamory, so my stance there is far from absolute.
My point is only that polyamory encompasses an incredibly broad array of relationship styles, all of which have proponents who will happily argue that theirs is the one true way.
The relationship contract is very interesting. It’s good to have a concrete, realistic example of the ideas of polyamory put into practice.
Both parties have various veto powers. I imagine neither party has to explicitly use their veto power very often. As in politics, the possibility of a veto exists to ensure that both parties will always take the other’s desires into account.
There are two asymmetrical articles in that contract, and I was surprised to find that both of them are restrictions on what the woman can do. The first requires that her male secondary partners court her husband, and it’s explicitly stated that this is to allay his jealously. The second prohibits the wife from having penetrative sex with anyone besides her husband, and the explanation offered for this article doesn’t really explain why there isn’t a similar prohibition on the husband. I wonder if the real reason is the husband’s jealousy again. In any case, it seems the man in this relationship is more prone to jealousy than the woman.
I don’t know evolutionary psychology yet, but it’s a little astonishing to me how this asymmetry, particularly the emphasis on penetrative sex, seems to be precisely what the ev-psych stories told elsewhere in this thread tell us to expect.
Women are much less likely to be capable of achieving orgasm through penetrative sex than men, so the ban on penetrative sex for her may be less asymmetrical than you seem to think. After all, if she can easily achieve orgasm by several methods other than penetrative sex, but he prefers penetrative sex over other methods, then while there may be some jealousy active in the penetrative sex prohibition, it may also not be that much of a “sacrifice” for her.
It is also entirely possible that she feels more jealous when she knows her husband’s partners well, and therefore the requirement exists for him to know her partners, but not for her to know his partners. Different people react differently to these things.
It is also entirely possible that they have a BDSM relationship as well, and that he is the dominant partner. A lot of polyamorous BDSM relationships restrict the submissive partner more than the dominant partner.
Finally, I don’t personally read the veto as existing to ensure that both parties always take the other’s desires into account …. Remember that poly relationships tend to be much more highly-communicated, verbally, than the average mono relationship. I read it as intended for partners to be able to veto, not intended to force partners to think about each other. After all, if they weren’t thinking about each other, they wouldn’t have written this contract in the first place.
It is my hope that WrongBot’s next post will explore the varied facets of romantic jealousy.
While that contract isn’t unusual, it’s not typical either, in several ways.
First off, most poly relationships don’t have an explicit contract in place; negotiating rules and boundaries is standard, but putting them down on paper is uncommon, at least in part because many poly people want to change their rules as time goes on; for example, my girlfriend and I started off with quite a few rules, but we’ve been gradually removing those as she gets more and more comfortable with polyamory.
Second off, the contract creates a clear hierarchy, where one relationship is primary and any other relationships the two might form are necessarily less important. This is a pretty common arrangement, but far from universal.
Third, there’s a bit of controversy over veto rights in the poly community; they make some people feel more secure, but others argue that if your partner won’t take your preferences into account without veto power, then adding that power will only cause resentment. I lean towards the latter camp, but veto rights seem to be helpful for couples who are gradually transitioning from monogamy to polyamory, so my stance there is far from absolute.
My point is only that polyamory encompasses an incredibly broad array of relationship styles, all of which have proponents who will happily argue that theirs is the one true way.