A lot of this is probably going to sound incredibly unconvincing. I’d assert that I would have found it unconvincing had I not gone through it.
The first time around it was mostly a matter of me realizing that it was hopeless with this girl and that I have better things to do than worry. Not particularly vertebral, but sort of significant for me nonetheless.
The next time was a bit weirder—there was someone who was a friend that I got a crush on, then we dated for a while, then split up, then at various times started dating again before I ultimately wound up in the friend zone. (I’d like to mention that she was pretty open about the whole non-interested not-seriousness of everything after the initial split, and it was more my pigheadedness that allowed it to continue). At various points during that, she would become somewhat interested in other guys.
After one incident (inviting one of said interests to a meeting with me), I had decided that I had enough of it and called her out on it. I then actually accepted that she wasn’t interested, and had backbone enough to stop trying to accommodate her in every way possible. Following up, I became more secure in myself in general, more assertive and demanding of my own interests, and less worried about the opinions that other people don’t actually have because they’re not on average interested enough to judge you. So overall less of a pushover.
Not much, it just didn’t seem in my opinion as important (though it felt that way at the time), and the backbone growth didn’t particularly propagate through my life, apart from ending that whole middle school/high school like-someone-but-never-do-anything-about-it thing.
Short answer, yes.
Long answer, we’re good friends now, and its working out much better with a backbone. The main issue with the relationship not working is that a lot of what Robin Hanson speculates about “mating behavior” is true with her (to the point that when I explained those ideas to her she thought I was just being ridiculously insightful and empathetic). Other than that, she’s really fun to be around.
A lot of this is probably going to sound incredibly unconvincing. I’d assert that I would have found it unconvincing had I not gone through it.
The first time around it was mostly a matter of me realizing that it was hopeless with this girl and that I have better things to do than worry. Not particularly vertebral, but sort of significant for me nonetheless.
The next time was a bit weirder—there was someone who was a friend that I got a crush on, then we dated for a while, then split up, then at various times started dating again before I ultimately wound up in the friend zone. (I’d like to mention that she was pretty open about the whole non-interested not-seriousness of everything after the initial split, and it was more my pigheadedness that allowed it to continue). At various points during that, she would become somewhat interested in other guys.
After one incident (inviting one of said interests to a meeting with me), I had decided that I had enough of it and called her out on it. I then actually accepted that she wasn’t interested, and had backbone enough to stop trying to accommodate her in every way possible. Following up, I became more secure in myself in general, more assertive and demanding of my own interests, and less worried about the opinions that other people don’t actually have because they’re not on average interested enough to judge you. So overall less of a pushover.
I’d have said that realizing in the first case that you were running your mind and your time was fairly vertebral. What am I missing?
Probably just curiosity at my end, but in the second case, did she turn out to be someone you wanted to spend time with at all?
Not much, it just didn’t seem in my opinion as important (though it felt that way at the time), and the backbone growth didn’t particularly propagate through my life, apart from ending that whole middle school/high school like-someone-but-never-do-anything-about-it thing.
Short answer, yes.
Long answer, we’re good friends now, and its working out much better with a backbone. The main issue with the relationship not working is that a lot of what Robin Hanson speculates about “mating behavior” is true with her (to the point that when I explained those ideas to her she thought I was just being ridiculously insightful and empathetic). Other than that, she’s really fun to be around.