I don’t know if being “in love” is a thing that actually exists
What do you mean? There’s a word called love and there’s a reality that people refer to with the word. Words are replaceable.
I’d like to know if it corresponds to an internal state that I have experienced.
The problem is the same hormonal process doesn’t necessarily feel exactly the same in everyone’s body. I think it would be more reliable to inspect your thoughts and your behavior towards the person and compare them to other people in love.
In particular, how does romantic love differ from friendship?
That’s like asking how hot differs from cold, perhaps equally inexplicable, if you’re asking about being in love. If you would’ve experienced it, you’d know. More reasonable people look mainly for friendship in their life partners and therefore might use the words love and friendship interchangeably. They probably wouldn’t talk about being in love however.
As a data point I’ve been in love several times, also reciprocically. It hasn’t made me happier on the whole, since the state makes me short sighted and neglect more lasting sources of happiness, and therefore I’m not seeking it anymore.
I think it would be more reliable to inspect your thoughts and your behavior towards the person and compare them to other people in love.
Exactly. But I don’t know what the thoughts of other people are and I have reason to think that my external behaviors will differ from others, even if we are both motivated by the same feelings.
When I’m in love, my thoughts are obsessed with the person and other thoughts are put aside. My thinking is distorted by baseless optimism. I fail to notice flaws in them I would notice with a sober mind, and when I do notice flaws I accept flaws I wouldn’t normally accept. Since being in love feels so good, much of my thinking is dedicated to reinforcing my feelings through imagining situations with the person when they’re not around and of course nothing in those situations ever goes wrong. This creates unrealistic expectations. I plan my life with them optimistically way further than I would plan my life in any other regard. I can’t properly analyze my mental state while being in love, since analytical thinking would likely end it and that’s the last thing I want.
When I’m in love, my thoughts are obsessed with the person and other thoughts are put aside.
I’m not sure about obsessed but when I’m [state possibly reference by the phrase “in love”, and which I will represent by “X”] I do think about the person a lot, significantly more than anyone else in my life, despite not seeing this person with high frequency.
My thinking is distorted by baseless optimism. I fail to notice flaws in them I would notice with a sober mind, and when I do notice flaws I accept flaws I wouldn’t normally accept.
I quibble with “baseless.” When I’m X I certainly express great admiration for the person, bordering on a perception of perfection, but the individual in question has always been someone who is legitimately exceptional by objective measures. However, it does seem to a very strong halo effect.
Since being in love feels so good
Check.
imagining situations with the person when they’re not around and of course nothing in those situations ever goes wrong
I’m not sure what sort of imagining you’re doing, but I can relate to imagined conversations during which the person in question is impressed to the point of astonishment of some virtue of mine (my restraint, or my altruism, or something).
This creates unrealistic expectations.
I don’t think so, but then, I’ve never desired to have a romantic relationship with either of my objects of affection. I have desired to be close to them and spend time with them. I’m not really sure what “romantic” is.
I plan my life with them optimistically way further than I would plan my life in any other regard.
Nope. When I’m X, I’m not doing an planning.
I can’t properly analyze my mental state while being in love, since analytical thinking would likely end it and that’s the last thing I want.
No again. I have distinct meta-cognitive thoughts. For instance, I feel like I will love this person forever, because that is entailed in the feeling, but I am also aware that I have no real way of predicting my future mental states and that people who are in love frequently wrongly predict the immortality of the feeling. I laugh at myself and at how ridiculous I am. My ability to maintain a clear outside-view does nothing to squash the subjective feelings.
None of this has any extremely obvious effects on my decision making: I wouldn’t run off and get married for instance, because of that voice of rational meta-cognition, for example. However, It probably biases me in all sorts of ways that I can’t track as readily.
I should also note that I might sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy, but release it almost immediately.
So...Have I been “in love”? It sounds like I’ve had most (?) of the symptoms? How is this any differnat form just having “crush” on someone?
What do you mean? There’s a word called love and there’s a reality that people refer to with the word. Words are replaceable.
The problem is the same hormonal process doesn’t necessarily feel exactly the same in everyone’s body. I think it would be more reliable to inspect your thoughts and your behavior towards the person and compare them to other people in love.
That’s like asking how hot differs from cold, perhaps equally inexplicable, if you’re asking about being in love. If you would’ve experienced it, you’d know. More reasonable people look mainly for friendship in their life partners and therefore might use the words love and friendship interchangeably. They probably wouldn’t talk about being in love however.
As a data point I’ve been in love several times, also reciprocically. It hasn’t made me happier on the whole, since the state makes me short sighted and neglect more lasting sources of happiness, and therefore I’m not seeking it anymore.
Exactly. But I don’t know what the thoughts of other people are and I have reason to think that my external behaviors will differ from others, even if we are both motivated by the same feelings.
When I’m in love, my thoughts are obsessed with the person and other thoughts are put aside. My thinking is distorted by baseless optimism. I fail to notice flaws in them I would notice with a sober mind, and when I do notice flaws I accept flaws I wouldn’t normally accept. Since being in love feels so good, much of my thinking is dedicated to reinforcing my feelings through imagining situations with the person when they’re not around and of course nothing in those situations ever goes wrong. This creates unrealistic expectations. I plan my life with them optimistically way further than I would plan my life in any other regard. I can’t properly analyze my mental state while being in love, since analytical thinking would likely end it and that’s the last thing I want.
Comparing...
I’m not sure about obsessed but when I’m [state possibly reference by the phrase “in love”, and which I will represent by “X”] I do think about the person a lot, significantly more than anyone else in my life, despite not seeing this person with high frequency.
I quibble with “baseless.” When I’m X I certainly express great admiration for the person, bordering on a perception of perfection, but the individual in question has always been someone who is legitimately exceptional by objective measures. However, it does seem to a very strong halo effect.
Check.
I’m not sure what sort of imagining you’re doing, but I can relate to imagined conversations during which the person in question is impressed to the point of astonishment of some virtue of mine (my restraint, or my altruism, or something).
I don’t think so, but then, I’ve never desired to have a romantic relationship with either of my objects of affection. I have desired to be close to them and spend time with them. I’m not really sure what “romantic” is.
Nope. When I’m X, I’m not doing an planning.
No again. I have distinct meta-cognitive thoughts. For instance, I feel like I will love this person forever, because that is entailed in the feeling, but I am also aware that I have no real way of predicting my future mental states and that people who are in love frequently wrongly predict the immortality of the feeling. I laugh at myself and at how ridiculous I am. My ability to maintain a clear outside-view does nothing to squash the subjective feelings.
None of this has any extremely obvious effects on my decision making: I wouldn’t run off and get married for instance, because of that voice of rational meta-cognition, for example. However, It probably biases me in all sorts of ways that I can’t track as readily.
I should also note that I might sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy, but release it almost immediately.
So...Have I been “in love”? It sounds like I’ve had most (?) of the symptoms? How is this any differnat form just having “crush” on someone?
I was just rereading the sequences, and I wonder, is being “in love” just an application of the halo effect?